Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  I’m in love with you.

  I froze. My lungs ached for air and the floor disappeared from under me. Tremors ran through my body and at the same time, I was disconnected. Almost as though I was floating with my back pressed against the ceiling and looking down at myself. For a while I glared at him, forcing myself to sneer and ridicule each one of his imperfections, but they sounded so false even in my head.

  I love you.

  I drew in a deep breath and tried not to let my eyes burn. My stomach flipped and after I was sure my brain was calmer, I looked down and saw Casper for everything he was and by extension, everything he was to me.

  My body suddenly felt so heavy.

  I clenched my jaw and winced at how swollen and thick everything felt. I shifted down until I was practically lying on the padded gurney opposite Casper, leaving enough room between us so there was no risk of us touching. We were close enough that I could feel his breath on my face. I felt my eyelids begin to droop. I let it drag me away from the bright lights and the sterile smell of the room. I could barely remember the feel of something hooking around my pinky finger before I succumbed to sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The following week, the end of the Spring Term, was spent mostly in the confines of my dorm. In the early hours of the morning after Ethan’s party, Camilla had helped Casper and I back up to my room. Instead of spending time alone in his room, Casper obediently came to mine, his arms huddled around the jumper he’d borrowed from lost property. Sometime during the previous evening, he’d vomited down the front of his shirt.

  We’d spent most of that Sunday sleeping in my bed. I’d woken up late on the Sunday afternoon with a thumping headache. I’d downed two ibuprofen and half a liter of water before slumping in my chair and waiting for the chalky tablets to force their way into my stomach.

  I’d sat there a while, focusing my attention on my breathing. When I felt the tablets kick in and start to soften the headache a little, I’d let my eyes drift over to Casper; I’d placed a pillow between our bodies so as not to accidentally touch him during the night. I didn’t know how he was going to react when he remembered just how much I’d touched him whilst he was intoxicated.

  He had looked so beautiful in that moment; bathed in the thin shaft of afternoon sunlight creeping in through the gap in blinds. His skin looked like chipped alabaster and his long black lashes fluttered gently as he dreamed. His hair was fanned a little over my pillow. His lips were parted and his chest rose and fell gently. He really was handsome in a subtle sort of way. Not that I minded; I’d never really been into huge, muscled men. He was a fairly svelte guy, I hadn’t noticed before as his body had always been drowning in his slightly-too-big shirts now bundled at the bottom of my hamper. Running my fingers through my hair I was suddenly sparked with energy and felt a grin stamp itself on my face as I watched Casper sleep, completely unaware of the cogs that turned in my head. I reached out for his phone and after fumbling around a bit I set an alarm to wake him in half an hour with a little title reading ‘RISE AND SHINE!’ before creeping out of the bedroom.

  The kitchen at the end of the hallway was communal and rarely used by me or Casper. It was kept clean by some of the other members on our floor and whenever I used it I made sure to clean up straight away. As it was a Sunday afternoon and most people were either milling around aimlessly or still sleeping off their hangovers, I opted to keep the noise to a minimum. I set about making a proper breakfast; I felt a little queasy but munched on some toast as I moved around making the first decent meal in weeks. My stomach churned as I fried the bacon and eggs. I shuddered as I dished everything up and then poured two cups of coffee. Once the tray was piled high with food and balancing both cups on the end, I carefully started to make my way back to my room.

  I hovered outside so I could listen for the sound of the alarm. When it went off, I nudged the open door with my foot and went inside. Casper was fumbling with his phone, a heavy frown on his face. He yawned and stretched and then caught sight of me. “What’s this?” he asked his voice thick with sleep.

  “Thought you could use some decent food for a change.”

  Taking the mug from the tray he opened his mouth as though to say something, but instead took a sip of the coffee. He hummed as the steam hit his face and I smiled as I reached for my own cup. “Thank you,” he rasped out, “Very sweet of you.”

  I grimaced, “Please call me anything but sweet.”

  He gave me a tired smirk, “Okay, it’s very mind-numbingly crippling of you.”

  I raised my cup in a mock-salute, “You’re very welcome!”

  As he settled about eating the food, I nursed my coffee until only the bitter black dregs were left. My stomach gurgled a little but I ignored it. Everything seemed to taste like cardboard lately. I watched Casper as he ate; he looked quite grey in the afternoon light, bags under his eyes and his nose looked a little raw. “Are you feeling alright?” I asked as he leaned over the edge of the bed and placed the tray on the carpet.

  He nodded his head as he shimmied down against the pillows, “Yeah why?”

  “You look a little peaky.”

  He rolled his eyes and tugged my duvet higher up to his chin. “By all means, mother me,” he drawled, narrowing his eyes, “God knows I can see you twitching enough to do it.”

  I reached out a hand then hesitated. Our eyes didn’t waver from one another. “Can I check your temperature?”

  He watched me through heavy lidded eyes before sighing and nodding. The tight muscles ticked in his jaw. My arm quaked as I smoothed my palm against his forehead and winced. His skin was clammy and a little greasy with the first ghost of sweat.

  “Are you feeling hot?”

  He shook his head, leaning back completely against the pillows. I pressed my lips together. I could feel the heat from his neck radiating against my forearm. “I’ll get you a cool cloth, okay?”

  Without waiting for a response I went into the bathroom, soaked a flannel under the cold tap and wrung it out. Casper drifted on the cusp of sleep once again before I pressed the flannel on his forehead. His brow creased but that was the only reaction I got from him that afternoon.

  Over the next couple of days Casper spent most of his time either in my bed burning or sluggishly glaring at me whenever I deigned to utter something stupid, which was all the time according to him. I’d tried to get him to listen to me when his fever peaked but he’d been stubborn, insisting that my own experience with fevers was only good for petulant arseholes. He’d even gone as far as to weakly kick his leg at me when I’d tried to press another flannel on his head.

  By that Wednesday night though I’d had enough. I hadn’t been feeling great myself; most of it was due to staying awake to make sure that Casper was comfortable enough during the night, and trying to pack my things quietly into my large suitcase without disturbing him. I had a little plastic bag filled with all my old leather bracelets and cuffs that I used to wear before I got ‘bad’. I glanced over at Casper lying on my bed, his pale arms curled against his sides. The silvery scars gleamed in the dull light. Perhaps he wouldn’t mind wearing a few with some short shirts, instead of being stuck in the long sleeved ones all the time? What else did I need to take to my parents? It was going to be three whole weeks. That’s when my phone bleeped.

  Sighing heavily, I down a pill with stale water before heading into the en-suite to run a bath for him. The bath was a rather pathetic little thing, so narrow at best but it would serve its purpose. It was more the size of a walk-in shower cubicle. As the sound of water gushing down into the porcelain filled the air, I went about adding some shower gel into the mix, watching as the bubbles frothed and foamed. Back into the bedroom I noticed that Casper had turned onto his side of the bed, stretching out over the mattress. He was so handsome. It made my heart ache in my chest.

  Hovering about, I kept one eye on the bath as it steadily filled up and one eye on my reflection, or more importantly the heavy bags unde
r my eyes and the prominence of my cheeks and collarbones. My skin was a little grey. Perhaps getting out of school for a while would do me some good. Hopefully it would do us both some good. As soon as the water was just over half-way, I turned the taps of and went back to wake Casper up. Leaning over him as he shifted in his sleep, I rested a hand on his chest, the thick duvet padding the space between us. Gently shaking him awake proved to be even more difficult than I’d thought. It took a while before he groaned and tried to bat my hands away. I kept shaking until he whimpered and cracked his eyes open.

  “What?” he croaked out, his voice strained and rasping as he dragged himself out of sleep.

  “Come on, you need to get up,” I replied softly, swaying slightly on my feet as I tugged the duvet back.

  “Piss off!” he snapped as he dragged a pillow over his head.

  “Just get up,” I demanded. I bundled the covers up at the end of the bed, exposing his pale body, long legs and narrow feet. He curled into a tight ball. I kicked the mattress with my knee, “Get up!”

  He flipped me off.

  “Casper I swear to God if you don’t get up I will drag you out of bed and I will carry you into the bathroom!”

  “I don’t want a fucking bath, Fletcher, now piss off and let me sleep!”

  “You’ve had enough sleep,” I stated dryly. “Now get up. I’ve run you a bath and you’re going to damn well take it.”

  looked like a puppet being pulled about on his strings as he eventually dragged himself off the bed and moved into the bathroom. He brushed by, his arm barely skimming me as he ducked into the warm room and closed the door behind him. I couldn’t help but feel a little relieved when I didn’t hear the sound of the lock snick into place.

  Listening to the water slushing around as he washed himself, I couldn’t help but think that we needed to have some proper food. A light went off in my head. Grabbing my phone from the bedside table I quickly scrolled through my contacts and called Camilla’s number. She answered on the third ring. “Hello?”

  “Hey Camilla are you busy tonight?”

  “No I’m free as of three o’clock this afternoon. Why, is something wrong?”

  “Oh no, nothing’s wrong,” I tried to laugh it off as I paced back and forth in the room, “I just wanted to know if Casper and I were able to join you for dinner tonight?”

  She laughed then, a rich, warm sound that made me smile. “Well what an interesting invitation. That sounds good. Anywhere in particular you want to go?”

  “Whatever you fancy; I have money to chip in, too. Casper looked like he was ready to rip a wolf apart.”

  She chuckled, “Okay then well if you want we can all meet in the car park at about six and I’ll drive us all down.”

  “Sounds good … Thanks,” I added as an after-thought.

  “You’re welcome. See you soon, Avery.” She ended the call.

  I knocked on the bathroom door. “Casper?”

  “Yeah?”

  “We’re going to go out for dinner with Camilla is that okay?”

  Silence. The rustling of a towel as he dried himself. I tried not to let my mind conjure the image of what was going on beyond that door. “I guess,” he replied, “It’s not like I have much of a choice is it?”

  “Well you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

  There was silence again. I jumped out of the way as he opened the door and stood there looking up at me. At least he looked healthier than before. His eyes still looked a little droopy from sleep but other than that he looked fairly refreshed. “Feel better?” I asked as I rested back against the doorframe.

  He nodded and passed further into the room, droplets dripping down from his hair and trickling down his naked back. My mouth ran dry. I had to drag my eyes away from him as I scanned the room for jeans and a clean, warm shirt. We dressed in silence, Casper having asked to borrow one of my tighter shirts. A part of me wanted to ask what his aversion to his room was, but I decided to leave it. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him tug on one of my casual shirts that doubled as a hooded jacket. He took a deep calming breath. I had to bite back a smile as I grabbed my wallet and key-card and asked, “You ready?”

  With a nod he followed me to go and meet Camilla.

  “So what have you two boys been up to since the weekend?”

  Glancing up over my menu I held my breath, wondering what Casper’s reaction to the aforementioned night would be. We hadn’t spoken about it since my last failed attempt on Monday. Either he didn’t remember most of it or he didn’t want to remember. Maybe he felt uncomfortable at how vulnerable he’d been? It was a possibility with Casper that I sometimes forgot about. I chewed on my lip the silence hanging heavy between us, until Casper finally broke it. “It’s been okay. I think I got a bit of a fever but nothing that nurse Fletcher can’t fix.” He turned a rather sour expression towards me before he dropped his chin in his hand and went back to scanning the menu.

  “Nurse Fletcher?” Camilla chuckled.

  Rolling my eyes I flattened the menu on the table. I knew what I wanted anyway. “Casper’s just PMS-ing because I forced him to take a bath this afternoon to bring down his fever,” I tossed a glare at him, “And now he’s pissed because he needs to buy me a new mattress.”

  “A new mattress?” she gasped out, trying so hard not to laugh at us. “What on earth have you two been up to, to need a new mattress?”

  Finally my own sardonic smile got out of control as I leered a little over at Casper, “Somebody’s body temperature went molten today, and he almost fell through to the floor.”

  “Oh piss off, you arse-wipe!” he grumbled into his palm, “You’re just annoyed you got stuck with a shitty mattress to begin with.”

  “Boys, boys! Not that I don’t love to hear about how deep and meaningful your friendship is now, but I’d like to order some food.” That was the great thing about Camilla; she always knew when to step in.

  As soon as we ordered and the drinks were served we moved onto other, less awkward topics. She didn’t bring up the Easter holiday trip looming over my head and I didn’t volunteer any information. It was as though there were a silent agreement between the three of us that we wanted the meal to be peaceful. Instead, Camilla surprised me by trying to weasel information about Casper’s family and what their plans were for the three week break and if he planned to visit them before returning to school. I waited for an answer, holding my breath as the waitress came by and placed our plates in front of us.

  Casper simply shrugged as he spearing a chip with his fork, “Don’t know. Haven’t really thought about it much.”

  I frowned heavily before forcing myself to look at my own food. My stomach churned and I forced the bile back down my throat. I really wasn’t hungry but I needed to maintain that I still ate regularly. It wouldn’t do anyone any good if they thought my weight loss was getting critical. Despite my mind telling me I should at least force-feed myself something, the look of the grease and oil glistening in the bright lights made my stomach turn even more violently. I was almost grateful when Camilla excused herself to the toilet because it meant I could breathe a little easier. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as invisible as I’d liked to have been.

  “Why aren’t you eating?” Casper murmured out of the corner of his mouth as he cut into his burger. I watched as the grease oozed out of the burger and puddled on the plate. My stomach lurched again and I felt saliva flood my mouth.

  I swallowed thickly and slumped back. “Just not hungry,” I grumbled.

  “You need to eat,” he stated.

  I shook my head. Picking at my finger nails was a bad habit I needed to stop. Casper’s hand suddenly came into view and I jumped as he scraped a small portion of my chips onto his own plate and then cut about a third of my burger and slid it over before starting to eat them. I frowned in confusion. His face was the picture of innocence as he cocked an eyebrow at me. “Eat,” he ordered, jabbing a fork at my plate, “Now. Camilla’s com
ing back.”

  Sure enough I could just see Camilla walking back from the bathroom. I ground my teeth and lifted my burger to my mouth. My stomach growled and readily accepted the food I forced down. The portion looked so much more manageable even if it did taste like a meat-soaked cereal box. Camilla smiled over at me as she sank back into her seat and started eating her own food, her rich voice filling the air between us as we ate. My mind was blank; nothing but clouds rolled about in my skull for most of the meal. I had to focus on every bite, every swallow and the urge I felt to run to the bathroom.

  Towards the end of the meal as the waitress brought over a dessert menu for Casper and Camilla to look over, I still struggled to force the last few mouthfuls down. It was almost like my gag-reflex had been reborn purely to spite me. Shuddering, I lowered my head over the last few cold lumps of food that taunted me. My breath hitched in my lungs when I felt warm fingers lacing through mine and squeezing lightly. Through my fringe I watched at how nonchalant Casper seemed to be about holding my hand, even if it was out of sight under the table. My throat was rough and dry but he didn’t loosen his grip on my hand as I reached for my drink and swallowed a small lump of ice. I hadn’t realised just how clammy and sweaty I felt until his thumb stroked over my knuckles. He didn’t even make a big show; he simply acted as though it was normal. When my fingers started to tremble again, through nerves or too many emotions I couldn’t tell, he gave another soft squeeze and I had to try and blink tears out of my eyes.

  “Avery?” I jerked my head around to see Camilla frowning over at me, “Avery, are you alright?”

  I nodded my head, “Yeah I’ll be alright. Probably just need an early night.”