If You're Willing

by Ivy Symone

  “Why are you even here? Who invited you?” she asked.

  “Ricky told me about it. But I came with someone else. It’s not completely private Cassie. The club is open to everybody.”

  “Well, you need to go find whoever you came here with and harass them,” she cut her eyes.

  “Why you act like you can’t talk to me?”

  “Because…How would that look? Jazz is here. I don’t want her seeing me talking to you, but it’s too late and now I gotta look stupid trying to come up with a lie. I told you we can’t talk like that out in the open.”

  “It’s not that serious Cassie,” he said.

  She caught a glimmer of the ring on his hand. “What’s that?”

  “Nothing,” he replied.

  Cassie pulled away from him and pushed her way around people until she got to the bottom of the stairs leading her back up to the others. He was following her anyway.

  She stopped before ascending the steps. “Will you stop please?”

  “You don’t have to be that way. I just wanna ask you something.”

  “What?”

  “Are you with him?”

  “Who?”

  “Eli.”

  “Why is everybody concerned about me and Eli?” she asked annoyed. She narrowed her eyes at him with suspicion. “You’re jealous?”

  Sean started laughing. “Would I be wrong if I said I was?”

  She shook her head as she tried to suppress the smile threatening to form on her face.

  “You look cute,” he said as his eyes danced about her body.

  She blushed then remembered where they were. “I gotta get away from you.”

  “Come holla at me before you leave,” he called after her.

  She waved over her shoulder. When she turned around, a few of her friends were standing by the rails overlooking the lower level. She looked at Rock with his cold expression as if he was ready to punch her.

  She cautiously went up the steps keeping her eyes on them.

  “How the fuck you gon be all in Sean’s face like that?” he asked angrily.

  She was thrown off. She looked past Rock at Tanya who seemed to be waiting for an answer. Coming up the stairs behind her, was Jazmin and Jah.

  “He just came up and started talking to me,” she explained. “I didn’t know he was here.”

  “It looked like more than that,” Rock said.

  “Why are you watching me like that anyway?” she retorted.

  Tanya interjected. “Don’t nobody fuck with that mothafucka like that. Cass, that don’t look good.”

  She pointed down to the lower floor. “Well, Ricky’s the one that told him about the party being here. And the club is open to the public, but I asked Sean myself what was he doing here. It wasn’t shit to that. So stop making it seem like I’m doing some dirty shit behind ya’ll’s back.”

  “It seemed like ya’ll were having a little lover’s fight,” Jazmin said with disappointment.

  “No!” Cassie responded as if she was appalled. “Jazz, don’t do that. I wouldn’t do that.”

  “That’s foul Cass,” Rock said.

  Eli’s face scrunched up with confusion. “Foul? But ain’t you—”

  Jah walked up in time to pull Eli away before he could get out the rest. “Nigga, shutcho ass up!”

  “Well, I would hope you wouldn’t be falling for his shit,” Tanya said. “The way you dogged him out and now ya’ll buddy-buddy.”

  Cassie couldn’t believe this. It was infuriating her. This was the exact reason why she didn’t need Sean talking to her. “This is supposed to be a celebration of our birthdays and ya’ll wanna ruin it?”

  “You ruining it by talking to the enemy,” Jazmin spat. She added, “I knew something was up when we ran into him at Saint Anejo’s.”

  Cassie’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “I’m leaving,” Cassie said angrily. She stormed away from them. She had no idea where anything was or what led to what. She ended up at a corner table in the dining area of the club.

  “Hey!”

  She looked up and saw Jazmin and Tanya.

  “We weren’t trying to upset you,” Jazmin explained. “It’s just him popping up here was unexpected. He knew better than to creep his ass in this party. And Jah bout to smack the shit out of Ricky.”

  Cassie chuckled giving Jazmin the side eye. “Jazz, you been drinking? You know you be sounding like Jah sometimes.”

  “Yeah, she been drinking,” Tanya said. “But back to you. What was that all about? What did he say to you?”

  “He came on purpose knowing none of us would like that shit,” Jazmin snarled. “He’s caused enough problems amongst us. But just tell me this Cassie…Are you messing with his dirty dick ass?”

  Cassie released a deep frustrated and defeated sigh. “Let me explain, but I’m asking that you be understanding and don’t judge me.”

  Tanya groaned with disappointment. “I know you not fucking him Cassie!”

  “Remember when we went to that club?” Cassie asked.

  “The nasty one?” Jazmin asked.

  Cassie nodded. She went on to explain. “Sean was there. And me and Tanya kinda took some shit that got us all horny. He was—”

  Tanya gasped. “It’s him? He’s the one you’ve been sneaking around seeing. Why didn’t you tell me Sean was there that night?”

  Jazmin threw her hands in the air with exasperation. “I’m done. I don’t wanna hear no more.”

  Before she could walk away, Cassie stopped her. “No, just hear me out. I need to get this out cause some days I think I’m gonna explode holding it all in.”

  With reluctance, Jazmin stayed. She folded her arms across her chest and looked at Cassie with a disinterested face. “Talk.”

  Chapter 15

  Cassie asked Jazmin and Tanya to keep what she disclosed to themselves. Surprisingly, they both understood and had nothing bad to say after she told them. She explained that it was a mistake that just kept going. And now it had turned into something else. Of all people, Cassie expected Jazmin to understand.

  The remainder of the party, Cassie chose to stay to herself and work through her thoughts. She wasn’t enjoying the party as much. She was glad everyone else was though. Rock acted like he was still upset with her. Jah had let it go. As long as Sean stayed away from them, he was straight. Eli took Romyn where Kreme was and he has been MIA ever since. Tanya and Jazmin were getting completely wasted.

  She continued sitting at the table. It was dark but where it was situated, she could still people-watch if she could stay focused. Her mind began to wander and the people became a blur.

  She needed to get rid of Colette. She didn’t know why she felt a need to help her or even be concerned about her. Colette only cared about one thing: Colette. And she wasn’t even going to entertain the idea of her and Rock making another attempt at a relationship. And now that Jazmin and Tanya knew what was going on between her and Sean, she didn’t feel as stressed. He didn’t have anything to hold over her head anymore.

  She wished she could have a relationship with her father. Maybe it was time to seek him out and try. It’s been years. She was now thirty and she remembered seeing him only one time when she was five. She remembered hearing him say to Colette that he couldn’t take her and that his wife couldn’t know about her. He looked at Cassie and smiled giving her a teddy bear. He told her to be a good girl and to take care of her mama.

  Between a party-going, alcoholic sex fiend for a mother and a wealthy lawyer father who didn’t want to claim her, Cassie felt like she didn’t have a chance. But because of friends like Jazmin and Tanya, she felt like somebody. She couldn’t mess up things with them.

  “Can I sit right here?”

  She was snapped out of her thoughts and realized Eli was standing before her.

  “Yeah,” she said lowly.

  “Why you sitting over here in the dark?” he asked. He sat beside her in the booth making sure to put space between the
m.

  “Just thinking,” she mumbled.

  “Why you so bipolar Cassie?”

  “You got your nerves. You moody too,” she argued.

  “I’ve been dealing with some shit. But you’re moody all the time. I think I can agree with Rock when he says you’re hot one day and then you’re cold the next. Mixing those temperatures like that can cause a storm.”

  “Okay, I admit I’m bipolar. But I be dealing with stuff too.” She looked at him with question. “Why are you over here talking to me anyway? Where’s Romyn?”

  “He’s in good hands. And I came over here because you looked all sad. Did they make you feel bad earlier?”

  “I don’t wanna talk about that,” she mumbled.

  “Can I ask you something? I guess you don’t have to answer because it’s none of my business, but what’s going on with you and Rock?”

  “Nothing. He keeps asking me what’s going on with me and you. He suspects that we’re fooling around.”

  “Rock is just paranoid and insecure,” he said. Then he contemplated his next words. “We’ve been around each other for the past couple of months right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And in that time we’ve grown close. I believe we share mutual feelings when it comes to the other. And I don’t wanna see you get hurt by him. He ain’t no good. If you need to be with somebody, try stepping outside this circle and find someone new. I think you deserve that.”

  Where was all of this coming from? It left her confused and somewhat hurt. What were these mutual feelings he spoke of? Hell, she was attracted to him, and if they could take it to another level she would seriously give it some thought.

  She felt herself getting emotional and looked away from him. “I guess I need to fix me before I attempt anything else. I want a relationship but I don’t know how to be. My moodiness push them away. I ain’t never been in relationship longer than four months. And most of those were nothing but a lot of sex. It’s like I can’t offer nothing else but my ass. I’m just like Colette.”

  “Don’t compare yourself to that woman,” he said with disgust. “And I think you have a problem with letting someone love you. I used to be like that and that’s why I never had a real relationship until Kris. And even that took a while. I used to only want to think of me. I didn’t really want to do love, but I think I grew up when I became somebody’s daddy. And I wasn’t afraid to give love a try anymore.”

  “Okay and as soon as you gave it a try, look what happened,” she pointed out.

  “Yeah and maybe I acted too soon when I made her my wife. I felt like it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t exactly in love with her, but I loved her. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t be hopeful of ever being in love one day. Like you told me that one night…it’s somebody out there for me besides Kris. Just like it’s somebody out there that will understand you and have a little patience—cause God they gon need it!”

  “Whatever Eli,” she grumbled.

  There was a moment of silence. So many thoughts were racing through Cassie’s head. And whenever anybody had kind things to say about her, it made her mushy.

  Eli cleared his throat with uneasiness. He said, “I’m leaving in the morning.”

  “Where to?”

  “Italy. I’m going with Lu for about two weeks. Cosimos ain’t doing that well. Remember, I am that man’s son and Lu is my brother.”

  “Two weeks?” That was all Cassie heard.

  “Maybe three. I’ll be back…I think. I might get over there and don’t wanna come back.”

  “What will I do at work?” she asked as she fought back tears.

  “Work. Gio will be there to help. So will the others. You’ll have stuff to do. And if I don’t come back, I’ll make sure you’ll have a position somewhere.”

  “Are you taking your kids?” she wanted to know.

  “Yeah, they’re going with me.”

  In a sullen tone, she said, “I wish I could go.”

  “You need a passport first,” he told her.

  “Yeah, I guess I gotta take care of that. You tell Kris you’re leaving?”

  “I signed and returned those papers. Kris is no longer my concern; not until we go to court. I have no words for her.”

  She fell quiet. She then mumbled, “You won’t be here for my actual birthday.”

  “I know. It wasn’t my original plans, but…I just need to get my head straight. My emotions are all over the place and I don’t want to make any impulsive decisions; especially based on the wrong things.”

  “I guess I understand,” she said solemnly.

  “Oh I wanted to tell you that you look nice tonight. Whoever done your hair is a miracle worker. She got them edges looking like baby hair.”

  Cassie laughed and nudged his side. “Oh shut up!”

  “I’m so serious,” he said. He touched her face at her hairline, and let his finger trace the fine hairs that swirled.

  His touch made her body hairs elevate and she tried to resist the shiver that went through her. She turned to him and her heart began pounding. The way he was looking at her was as if he wanted to devour her right there. Her leg began to bounce out of control. He placed a hand on her knee and squeezed to make her stop. His touch was about to make her scream.

  She begged with her eyes. “Don’t.”

  “Cassie…” His voice was low and desperate.

  She looked away and said, “You’re leaving, so don’t.”

  “But—”

  She slid out of the booth seating and tried to get as far away from him as she could. She wasn’t ready to go there just yet; especially with him leaving her the following day. Why would he pick that night? She needed for him to keep how he felt to himself.

  _____

  The following day when Cassie awaken, she felt dispirited. She felt alone. She felt empty. Most of all, she was in pain. Not physical pain, but the kind a person suffered from heart break.

  She thought back to the night before. After walking away from Eli, she decided to leave altogether. She went to say her goodbyes although Jazmin, Desiree, and Tanya tried to convince her to stay. They argued that she hadn’t even gotten any cake. Jazmin cut a big chunk of cake and insisted she take it with her.

  When she got home, she was surprised Colette wasn’t there fucking somebody. She had her apartment to herself and it was so quiet, and so still. Then she thought about him. She had never considered having him at her place because of how nosy Colette was, but that night she didn’t care. She just wanted to be with him. She sent him a text: I need you

  It took him a while, but he text back: I’m not doing this with you anymore

  Seeing those words sent her spiraling. She text back: please!

  Him: no

  Cassie: I love you

  Him: stop

  She grew irate. I hate you

  Him: exactly

  Cassie: come to my place

  Him: go to sleep

  Cassie: I’m sorry. I’m stupid. I’m scared. I don’t know how to let a man love me. I don’t know how to love a man. I need you. teach me

  No response. Then there was a knock on the door. Startled, she jumped up from her sofa and looked through the peephole. He had to have been on his way before she even started texting him because he was standing outside her apartment door. She tried to compose herself before opening the door.

  Before she could say anything, he came in and shut the door behind him. His vexation shown on his face as he attacked her aggressively with kisses. He tugged at her clothes, groped her breasts, and rubbed on her yoni. Before she knew it, she was completely naked in her hallway.

  He backed her up against the wall. Now it was his turn to come out of his clothes while they hungrily devoured one another. As soon as he tossed the last article of clothing, Cassie lowered to a squatting position, grabbed his erection and guided it to her mouth.

  “That’s all the fuck you want,” he said angrily. “You just want the dick.”


  His tone only drove her to get lost in pleasing him.

  He wanted to be angry, but she made him weak. He groaned, “Cassie…Dammit! I can’t stand you.” He grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her off of him. She looked up at him with desperate wet eyes. He took her face into his hands, leaned down, and placed a delicate kiss on her lips as he helped her to stand to her full height.

  “I love—” she started but he silenced her with another kiss that evolved into a deeper passionate one. While they tongue wrestled and lip suckled, he was lifting her legs to place around him. She held onto him while pinned under his weight against the wall. He leaned into her guiding his dick to her wetness. Before sliding inside her, he rubbed his dick head in between her slit arousing her clit and stirring her honey.

  She moaned in his mouth as he caressed her insides. He was being gentle and loving. Each deep stroke caused small orgasms to ripple through her body. She knew she loved him. She didn’t want to let him go, so she held onto him tightly.

  The pace picked up. The strokes deepened and got harder. Her body bounced up and down against the wall in an even rhythm as he dug into her.

  He panted into her ear, “Hold onto me Princess.”

  She held tight both around his waist and neck as he carried her into her bedroom with his dick still inside her. He lay her on her bed, still in position, and didn't hesitate to start grinding into her again.

  “Yes…baby…” she breathed heavily with pleasure. “Please...don't stop.”

  He raised on his haunches while holding her legs high and wide apart, rocking in and out of her. He admired the sight of his dick being gripped by her ridiculously wet pussy.

  He commanded, “Rub on that pussy for me.”

  Cassie began to rub on her clit as she was told. She watched him as he delighted in the sight of her touching herself.

  Releasing her legs, he moved over her to kiss her. He asked, “Do you want to hurt, Princess?”

  She nodded with desperation and eagerness. She closed her eyes as he pushed her legs back and began to plow into her.

  She began to cry and couldn’t even form a comprehensible word. Her arms tried to push him back but his weight wouldn’t budge. He knew her. He knew she would resist. Her face would contort into one expressing pain and discomfort. She would beg with her eyes for him to stop. But it wasn’t what she truly wanted. She needed him to continue. She needed him to hurt her. It wasn’t one hundred percent satisfying if she didn’t hurt.