Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

  The color drained from his face at the mention of her name and he swiped his palm over his damp forehead. “I, uh, didn’t know she was a friend of yours. If I had, I never would’ve…” He started swallowing convulsively. “Shit, she’s not your girlfriend, is she?”

  Jay smirked. “If she was, you’d be spittin’ out teeth by now. You lay one hand on my woman, and I can promise you that hand will wind up in a cast for a good long time.”

  “I understand.” He skirted around the bookcase and tried to make his way around the room toward the door.

  “Where the hell do you think you’re goin’? I’m not finished with you yet.” Jay knew he wouldn’t have to lay a hand on him. They both knew he could render him immobile if he chose to, but the threat of what he could do was more than enough to drive his point home.

  “I’m sorry.” He sank into a guest chair positioned by the door.

  “I care about Victoria, and if you cross someone I care about, you have to answer to me. Understood?”

  “Yes, yes, sir. I won’t bother her again. I promise.”

  Jay smirked. “Good, ‘cause if you do…” He let the threat hang in the air, knowing they both knew what he could do if someone was stupid enough to cross him.

  “I won’t. Victoria will never see or hear from me again. You have my word.”

  “Good.” Now if only he could get his brother out of Victoria’s life so easily.

  Chapter Eight

  Victoria had a few hours to spare before Jay was expecting her at the studio, so she decided to stop into the shelter to find out if there was anything she could do to help. She knew they were nearing the end of the month, and they’d had more women and children checking in over the last six days than they’d anticipated. The problem with government subsidized shelters was they often provided enough money to keep the doors open, but beyond that, the employees were on their own to figure out how to meet the needs of their residents.

  The volunteers routinely had to solicit food donations from local grocery stores and restaurants just to get them through the month.

  Lindsay looked up from her computer screen when Victoria walked into the small office. “Hey, I was gonna call you today. How was your date last night?”

  “It was good.”

  It hadn’t taken long for Victoria to realize Jay’s brother was a great guy. Once they agreed their relationship would never be romantic, they let their guards down and had fun getting to know each other. He regaled her with stories about some of the outrageous cases he’d worked over the years, and they talked, laughed, and danced until it was time for J.T. to throw them out.

  “So you’ll be seeing him again?”

  She sat down in the chair across from her friend. “Definitely.”

  “How does his hot brother feel about that?”

  Victoria shrugged. She knew she was terrible at feigning indifference, but she felt she should at least try to pull it off before she caved in and told her friend the truth. “I haven’t told him yet. I’m due at the studio in a little bit. I assume he’ll ask.” When he did, she was ready with a response that would surely shut him down.

  Lindsay spun her chair around to face Victoria. “There’s something you’re not telling me. You went out with a hot guy, said you had a great time, yet you don’t seem too happy about it. Why?”

  Her friend was too perceptive and she was a terrible liar. She only hoped Jay wouldn’t be able to see through her as easily. “I do like Mike… as a friend.” Lindsay looked so dejected Victoria had to laugh. “It’s okay, a girl can never have too many friends, ya know?”

  “Yeah, but when are you gonna meet the guy? The one who’s gonna force you out of your comfort zone… who’ll be worth taking a risk for?”

  Lindsay was the only person on the planet who knew Victoria’s life story in its entirety and she’d only confided in her because Lindsay could relate. She’d grown up in the system too, which led them both here, to the shelter, trying to help other kids who were suffering to find their place in a world that had left them beaten up and battered when they had nowhere else to turn.

  “I’d never want to put anyone else through what I went through. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  She and Lindsay hadn’t been friends during Victoria’s lengthy hospital stay, but her friend knew the whole ugly story of her fight for her life.

  Lindsay leaned forward and reached across the desk. “Honey, you don’t know how long you have. None of us do. Hell, I could walk out of here and get hit by a car; so could you. We can’t assume the Grim Reaper is waiting around every corner.”

  She knew her friend was only trying to help, but she couldn’t possibly understand what Victoria had been through. “He wants a family.” She looked Lindsay in the eye. “Jay told me he wants a family.”

  Lindsay closed her eyes and leaned back in her seat. “There are lots of ways to have a family, Vic. Hell, we both know there are tons of kids out there who need a good home.”

  If her situation had been different, Victoria wouldn’t have hesitated to adopt a baby. But she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving a helpless baby alone in the world to fend for him or herself, the way her mother had left her. “I know, but…”

  Lindsay held her hand up. “I don’t want to hear it. I’ve known you for five years, and I’ve watched you turn away dozens of great guys—guys who were really starting to care about you- just because you were afraid to take a risk. Everyone thinks you’re so fearless, but I’m not buying it. I think you’re scared to death of everything.”

  Victoria glared at her. “You have no idea—”

  “Yes, I do.” She sighed. “Okay, maybe I don’t know exactly what you’ve been through, but I do know you’re using your past as an excuse not to plan for your future.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “You know I love you. I just want you to be happy, and it bugs me when I see you reject one great guy after another because you’re too afraid to let someone love you.”

  “I almost died.” She was fighting a losing battle to maintain control. “Thankfully, there was no one to give a damn back then, but what if I’d had a husband or kids? How the hell could I have left them behind the way my parents left me behind?”

  “Your parents chose to leave you, Vic. Just like my parents chose to become drug addicts and dump me with a grandmother who died before I turned eight. People who die don’t choose to leave their kids behind. They have no choice.”

  Victoria covered her face with her hands. She hadn’t thought about that dark period in her life in a long time, but meeting Jay and knowing her annual check-up was only days away was wreaking havoc with her sense of reason. “Do you think it matters to the kids who are left behind, Lindsay? All they know is their mommy or daddy is gone. They don’t understand why.”

  “If you were to go to the palliative care unit right now and ask any of the mothers and fathers lying in those beds whether they would have traded one moment they spent with their kids if they knew how it was all going to end, I can guarantee you they’d all tell you their kids were the best damn thing to ever happen to them.”

  Victoria knew her friend was right. She’d spent enough time in the hospital getting to know the other patients. No one ever came to visit her, so when she got tired of staring at the same four walls all day, she’d take her walker or wheel chair and venture down the hall to visit some of the other patients. She got to know some of them quite well. So well they’d left a huge hole in her heart when she eventually walked in to each and every room to find their beds empty. Some of her new friends passed on in their sleep, all alone. Others slipped into a coma with family and friends crowding their bedside. Some were children with their whole lives ahead of them. Others were senior citizens with a good life behind them. But they all told stories of the things they wished they’d done, people they wished they’d met, trips they wished they’d taken while they still had enough life left in them.

  Victoria was one of the
lucky ones who got to leave propelled by the strength of her own two legs. She was ‘in remission’ according to her doctors, but in her mind, it felt like she was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  She did everything she could to buy time. She ate well, exercised every day, drank plenty of water, and took her vitamins, but she hadn’t been able to shake the feeling there was a dormant beast lying in wait inside her body, ready to strike when she finally let her guard down. So she couldn’t let her guard down. Ever.

  “Hey, I’m sorry,” Lindsay whispered, leaning in to hold her hand.

  She didn’t realize she’d started crying until the tears fell on her bare legs. Crying twice in as many days was a new record for her. She hadn’t cried this much since she was a kid who still thought there might be someone out there somewhere waiting to dry her tears, hoping to find a little girl like her to make their life complete.

  “Don’t be sorry.” She reached for a tissue on the desk and blotted her eyes. “You were right.”

  “I was?”

  “Yeah, I live in fear every single day.” She pressed her closed fist against her mouth, willing her body to stop trembling. “And I don’t know when or if I’m ever gonna feel safe again.”

  “Oh, honey…” Lindsay got up and came around the desk to draw her into a hug. “You deserve to be happy. More than anyone I know, you’ve earned it.”

  She laid her head on her friend’s shoulder and let her stroke her hair. “You don’t earn the right to be happy. You either are or you’re not.”

  Lindsay pulled back to look her in the eye. “Have you ever been happy? I mean, really happy?”

  She tried to smile when she said, “I can’t say I have.”

  “If you were to die tomorrow, wouldn’t that be your greatest regret… you’d never allowed yourself to steal even a few moments of happiness?”

  It was difficult to be happy when death was a real and present danger every day. It was the first thing she thought about when she woke up in the morning and the last thing she thought about before she fell asleep at night. It was the voice in her head while she was driving. It was the pain in her stomach when she was lying on the couch watching TV. It was the five pounds the scale told her she lost last week. It was the meal she couldn’t finish. It was the day she couldn’t drag herself out of bed because she was too tired. The threat of death was constant, and it was everywhere.

  “I’d have a lot of regrets if I were to die tomorrow, but wouldn’t we all?”

  “You deserve to be loved, honey. Just because your parents were too screwed up to love you doesn’t mean there isn’t some great guy out there just waiting to fall in love with you.”

  Victoria forced a smile. “Those are just fantasies, hon. I can’t afford to waste time fantasizing.”

  Jay was counting down the minutes until Victoria’s shift started. He was eager to find out how her date with Mike went, but he knew he had to play it cool. He couldn’t let her know the thought of her kissing his brother, or worse, making love to his brother, had been eating him up inside since she walked out last night.

  Victoria pushed through the door and lit his world up with her smile. He hadn’t had it this bad for a woman ever. “Hey, beautiful.”

  “Hey, yourself.” She looked around at the artwork he’d hung that morning. “Looking good.”

  Wielding a hammer had done little to ease his tension, but the sight of her gorgeous face gave him hope the day was going to get better just because she’d walked back into his life. “Thanks.” He grinned. “I think we just might be ready for the grand opening, after all.”

  “Was there ever any doubt?”

  “No.” He set the hammer down on a nearby chair. “We make a pretty great team, don’t we?”

  She gestured to the open space surrounding them. “I can’t take credit for this. All I did was unpack a few boxes. This is all you.” She smiled. “I really admire what you’ve accomplished here.”

  He tried not to let the compliment go to his head, but it did. Her opinion of him mattered, a lot. “Thanks. It’s easy when you love what you do, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  He reached for the one of the take-out cups he’d bought from the café around the corner minutes earlier. “Black, just the way you like it.” Working side by side all day, he’d learned a lot about her, but there was so much more he wanted to know. He wanted to know everything.

  She reached for the cup, brushing her fingertips over his, and he felt the heat practically sear his hand. “Thanks.”

  “My pleasure. I could use a break.” He gestured to one of the stools pushed against the tall counter. “Have a seat. Tell me about your date with my brother.” He promised himself he wasn’t going to ambush her as soon as she walked in the door, but if their night was a disaster, he wouldn’t have to waste any more of his time worrying about it.

  She laughed. “I just got here. I can’t take a break.”

  He winked. “Your new boss is a pretty cool guy. I don’t think he’d mind if you finished your coffee before you dug into those boxes.”

  She smiled as she slid up on the tall stool and peeled back the plastic lid on her cup. “I’m not gonna lie, just the smell of caffeine is making my mouth water.”

  “Late night, huh?” He was going for nonchalance, but he knew he fell way short.

  “Yeah, we closed Jimmy’s down. Poor J.T. had to practically throw us out.”

  He took a sip of his coffee and tried not to let his disappointment show. He was hoping she would tell him they’d had nothing in common and called it a night early. “Really?”

  “Yeah.” She smiled over the rim of her cup. “Your brother’s a great guy.”

  Dozens of women had said the same thing to him over the years, but never before had it made him feel nauseous. “Yeah, I guess he is…when he’s not bein’ a pain in the ass.”

  She chuckled. “You’re just saying that ‘cause he’s your brother. Don’t all siblings feel the same way?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just know it’s true.” In reality, Mike was one of his closest friends, and she was right, he was a great guy, but in that moment, Jay hated his guts. “So, you plan on seein’ him again?”

  She nodded. “He invited me to the birthday party at your dad’s house tomorrow night.”

  Jay closed his eyes briefly as he processed her words. Mike didn’t bring girls home to meet their family unless it was serious, which was rare. “He invited you to meet the family after one lousy date?”

  She tipped the cup to her lips and took a sip before she said, “It was a pretty incredible first date. I haven’t felt so comfortable with someone in a long time.”

  He tried to ignore the sharp stab of pain. Jay knew she wasn’t trying to hurt him. She was just being honest, letting him know their attraction paled in comparison to what she felt for his brother. Now he just had to figure out how the hell he was going to start treating her like Mike’s new girlfriend when everything in him was dying to pull her into his arms for the kiss he’d been robbed of yesterday. “Good to know.” He pointed to the boxes stacked in the corner. “I’ve got some things to take care of in the office. Would you mind unpacking those brochures and business cards?” He pointed to the Plexiglas wall racks he’d installed that morning. “You can just put them in there.”

  She jumped off her stool and set her coffee down on the glass counter. “Not a problem.”

  He wanted to say more. He wanted to ask her if she had the choice, would she choose him. But he was too afraid of what that answer might be, so he decided to lock himself in his office and pretend his biggest concern was the grand opening of his new studio.

  Victoria released a sigh when she heard Jay’s door close with a soft click. She hadn’t lied to him. Her connection with Mike was easy and natural, but she knew he assumed it was a romantic connection, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

  She hated seeing the disappointment on his face when she tried so
hard to let him down gently. She would give anything if things could be different, but…

  Her cell phone rang and she pulled it out of the back pocket of her denim shorts. Oh God. It was her doctor’s office. She’d had the routine tests he’d ordered weeks ago in anticipation of this appointment. What if they’d found something?

  “Hello.”

  “Victoria, this is Dr. Dalton’s office.”

  She couldn’t utter a word as she waited for the receptionist to deliver her fate. From her experience, if the doctor wanted to see her right away, it meant bad news… very, very bad news.

  “Would it be possible for you to come in this afternoon?”

  She was gripping the edge of the counter, trying to keep her knees from buckling when she felt Jay’s presence behind her. “Um… I could come on my break.” It’s not like she’d be able to eat anything anyways. As it was, her breakfast was sitting in her stomach like a lead weight.

  “Does 3:00 work for you?”

  “Yes, that would be fine. Thank you.”

  She pressed the button and stared at the blank screen, trying to make sense of what just happened. Had she brought this on herself? She’d watched a TV program about the Law of Attraction just last week. Had her dark thoughts caused the disease to take over her body again? Had the hours she’d spent fearing a tumor growing inside of her actually resulted in her worst fear coming true?

  “Are you okay?” Jay asked, moving in behind her. When she didn’t respond right away, he repeated, “Victoria, is everything all right?”

  She couldn’t tell him the truth. He had enough to worry about with his grand opening. She didn’t want to burden him with her problems, too. She turned around to face him, plastering a smile on her face. “Everything’s fine. I have an appointment later. I hope that’s okay?”

  His light eyes darkened in an instant. “I hope it’s nothing like the appointment you had yesterday?”

  “No, not at all.” What happened yesterday paled in comparison to this. “It’s just a doctor’s appointment.”