Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

  He raised an eyebrow. “You feelin’ okay?”

  “Yeah, fine.” She tried to walk past him, but he grabbed her wrist.

  “You’re lying to me. Tell me what’s really goin’ on with you.”

  “It’s just a routine check-up.” Except there was nothing routine about this, and she sensed he knew it.

  “Why don’t I believe you?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “You need a lift there? You shouldn’t be drivin’.”

  She frowned. “Why would you say that?”

  He looked at the hand he was now holding. “You’re ice cold and your hands are shaking.”

  Damn. She thought she was doing such a good job of holding it together, but this man had an uncanny ability of knowing when something was troubling her. She tried to pull free, but he wouldn’t let her. “Just let me check the thermostat.”

  “The problem isn’t with the thermostat. It’s with you. Are you gonna tell me what the hell’s goin’ on?”

  She wanted to scream and cry, kick or throw something, but more than anything, she wanted to fall into his arms and have him tell her everything was going to be all right. She wanted him to promise her she wasn’t going to die, at least not yet, but she knew he couldn’t make that promise. No one could. Her life was up for grabs, and in a few short hours, she’d find out her fate. And when she did, she’d deal with it, just like she had the last time. Stage three ovarian cancer should have been a death sentence, but it wasn’t. She’d survived. And she would again. She hoped.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  He sighed as she released her hand. “Fine, but I’m not lettin’ you drive in this condition. I’ll take you.”

  “No!” She pointed to the medical building on the corner. It was less than a five minute walk from the studio. “Dr. Dalton’s office is right there. I can walk.”

  “Maybe you just need someone to hold your hand,” he said softly. “At least let me do that.”

  No one had ever offered to accompany her to a doctor’s appointment before. Some patients had relatives or friends with them during their chemo treatments, to talk or pass the time, but she’d always gone alone. The nurses often took pity on her, she assumed because they always saw her alone, so they would come in to chat with her on their breaks. But she would shut them down, offering only one word responses when they tried to engage her in conversation. She didn’t want them to waste their breaks on her. She could survive on her own. She’d been doing it all her life.

  She closed her eyes and a single tear slid down her cheek. “No, thank you. I’ll be fine.”

  It hit Jay like an avalanche. He was falling in love with this woman. He knew it was crazy. His mind rallied to present him with all the reasons it was impossible: he hadn’t known her long enough, they hadn’t even kissed, she was seeing his brother, and she was his employee. But none of that seemed to matter now. The only thing he cared about was making sure she was okay. He’d never had such a strong impulse to take care of another person in his life.

  “You don’t have to pretend with me, sweetheart.” He framed her face with his hands and he felt her body sway in his direction. “Come here.” He pulled her into his arms, supporting her weight as she leaned into him. Her body felt limp, lifeless, and that scared the hell out of him. That phone call had obviously shaken her to the core.

  “I’m tired,” she whispered, laying her head on his chest. “I don’t know why I’m so tired all of a sudden.”

  He felt it, almost as though the energy was draining from her body and she was relying on him to keep her upright. “Do you need to sit down?”

  She shook her head. “Can you just hold me for a minute?”

  He’d be content to hold her forever. “Sure, whatever you need.” She needed him. There was no doubt in his mind. His self-centered, egotistical brother couldn’t begin to meet her needs the way he could.

  “This is nice,” she said, sighing. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone to lean on like this.”

  He questioned whether she’d ever let herself lean on someone like this. It made him happy to think he’d earned a place in the select group of people she counted on. “I’m here, as long as you need me.”

  She wrapped her arms around his waist and held him tight. “You’re such a good man, Jay.”

  Victoria made him want to be a better man. No one had ever made him feel that way before.

  She tipped her head back to look at him. “Mike told me about Lily, the woman you were with at Jimmy’s.”

  Jay frowned. His ex-girlfriend was the last thing on his mind. Why would she bring her up now, when they were finally getting closer?

  “She’s very beautiful, and it’s obvious she still has feelings for you.” Her full mouth tipped up at the corners. “She was shooting daggers at me.”

  He didn’t want to talk about Lily right now. Hell, he didn’t even want to think about her ever again. The only thing that mattered to him right now was Victoria and finding out why she was using his ex-girlfriend and brother to try and create a barrier between them. “I don’t care about her. I care about you.”

  She shook her head, trying to deny his claim. “You can’t. You don’t even know me.”

  He stepped back, holding her hands in his. “Don’t I?”

  They’d spent a lot of time talking yesterday, and he got the sense she’d opened up to him more than she had any other man in her life. “You told me about your childhood, how hard you fought to get an education, how you got interested in martial arts, your work at the shelter…” He smiled when he knew he had her. “What else? Oh yeah, you told me you’d love to open your own studio someday. Your favorite foods are pasta and cheesecake, but you rarely overindulge. You’d love to have a dog, but you’re allergic. You can’t swim because a near miss when you were a kid made you terrified of the water…”

  Victoria’s mouth fell open. “I can’t believe you remembered. What’s more, I can’t believe I told you all that. My best friend doesn’t even know I can’t swim.”

  He smiled. “Don’t tell me I don’t know you. I think I do.” He’d gladly shared as much with her. He wanted to know everything about her, and he wanted her to be confident she knew enough about him to reciprocate his feelings.

  “Maybe you’re right,” she said, quietly. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with unshed tears. “But we all have our secrets, Jay.”

  Chapter Nine

  Victoria was reading the same paragraph in her magazine for the fourth time when the door opened and Jay walked into the waiting room.

  Several of the women seated around the L-shaped room looked up when he walked in. One young woman even gaped at him from behind her magazine until he claimed the seat beside Victoria and took her hand.

  “What are you doing here?” she whispered, trying desperately to blink back the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. What was wrong with her lately? Ever since she’d met him, it was as though the floodgates had opened and she couldn’t keep her emotions in check.

  “I knew you needed me.”

  She couldn’t deny he was right. “You shouldn’t be here.”

  “Yes, I should.”

  She didn’t want to argue with him, not here. “Thanks.” She knew she should let go of his hand, but she couldn’t bring herself to break the connection.

  “My pleasure.”

  “It shouldn’t be much longer.” She didn’t even want to think about how true that might be. “I think I’m next.”

  “It doesn’t matter how long it takes.”

  She loved him for offering to stay, but she knew how busy he was. The phone had been ringing off the hook all day with people wanting a piece of him, and he was putting everything on hold to be here for her. How could a man who didn’t even know her know how much she needed his support?

  “It’s gonna be okay, Victoria,” he said gently.

  It was then she realized the terror she’d be
en trying so hard to hide must have been reflected in her eyes, because he looked as though his heart was breaking for her. “You don’t have to say that.” But she was so grateful he had. He had no way of knowing what she was facing or what she’d already been through, but just knowing he believed she was going to be okay put her mind at ease somehow.

  She leaned her head on his shoulder and looked at their joined hands. His was big and strong. Hers was paler and much smaller. He was the picture of health, and she felt so weak right now. She didn’t know if it was because she felt so emotionally drained, but she was so scared she wouldn’t have the strength to face this battle again.

  “Mike called a few minutes after you left.”

  She didn’t want to talk about his brother right now. Everything outside of this room seemed so insignificant. “Did you tell him I had a doctor’s appointment?” She didn’t want Mike to know about this. If it came down to it, she’d rather fight this battle alone; like she had the last time she faced it. It seemed so unfair to drag other people into her private hell. It was bad enough Jay was here with her now.

  Victoria would never let Jay see her the way she’d been then. Too weak to get out of bed and too tired to care. She was a mere shell of the young, vibrant woman she’d once been, and the treatments they’d given her, the same ones that eventually healed her, had slowly eradicated the insidious disease, but not before they almost took her will to fight for another day.

  “No. I just told him you had to step out for a bit. Would you rather he was the one here with you?”

  There’s no one else she’d rather have by her side right now. She thought about where she’d be if Jay hadn’t come into her life. She’d still be here, but she’d be alone, without his strong shoulder to lean on. “No, I’m glad you’re here.”

  He squeezed her hand. “Me too.”

  A young nurse in brightly colored scrubs rounded the corner and smiled at her. “Victoria, the doctor will see you now.”

  She looked up at Jay, wishing there was something she could say to make him understand how much it meant to her that he was there. “You don’t have to stay. I can just meet you back at the studio when I’m finished.”

  He picked up a magazine from the stack on the end table. “And miss out on the opportunity to read this issue of Sports Illustrated?” He grinned. “It’s only six months old.”

  She laughed, and the sound surprised her when it escaped her lips. How had he made her laugh when her life as she knew it may be over? “Okay… well, enjoy.”

  He winked. “Don’t worry, I will.”

  She turned back to look at him before she walked down the narrow hallway toward the private offices. Sure enough, his nose was buried in the magazine, as though he’d been waiting forever to read it. She was grateful; if he’d looked up at her, she may have burst into tears and run screaming from the office.

  Victoria didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to face the truth. She’d much rather crawl under the covers and pretend everything was fine. Pretend she was normal, that she could have a husband, a few kids, and a long, happy, healthy life. But she wasn’t normal. She never had been. Since the day she was born, she’d faced struggle, and evidently she was bound to die the same way: struggling, begging, pleading for another minute, another hour, another day. For what… to find happiness? As far as she was concerned, happiness was just an illusion.

  “Dr. Dalton will be in shortly. Just have a seat.”

  “Thank you,” Victoria whispered.

  The door closed at the same time she closed her eyes. She was finally alone, alone to process her feelings and wallow in her terror. Her stomach clenched and her hands were cold and clammy. If she were prone to panic attacks, she surely would have had one then, but she forced herself to stay calm, at least on the outside.

  “Hello, Victoria,” Dr. Dalton said as he entered the room. He had been her family doctor for twelve years. He’d seen her through the surgery and treatments. He’d consulted with her oncologist. He’d offered her a reassuring smile when she was ready to give up hope.

  “Hello.”

  She looked at the manila folder in his hands. She knew most doctors favored computer files nowadays, but Dr. Dalton was old-fashioned and she loved that about him. He was the kind of father she wished she’d had… if she’d been blessed with a father at all.

  “I’m sorry you had to come in early. I got called out of town unexpectedly.” He smiled. “My daughter’s having her first baby, my first grandbaby.”

  “Congratulations.” It took a moment for her to process his words. He’d called her into his office today because he had to leave town? Did that mean—?

  “Now, let’s see what we have here.” He opened the file and reviewed her test results.

  Minutes seemed like hours as the only sound in the room was the second hand on the wall clock marking the passing of time.

  “Everything looks good.”

  Those three little words sounded like an echo in her eyes. “It does?”

  He frowned. “You sound surprised? Have you been feeling okay?”

  She’d been feeling great, until she got the call from his office. “Yes, fine.”

  “Excellent.” He looked her in the eye. “Victoria, there is one other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

  Here it comes, she thought. This was the bad news she’d been waiting for.

  “The last time we met, you made a comment about living on borrowed time. It stuck with me.” He closed her file and leaned back in his swivel chair. “Is that how you really feel?”

  She barely remembered making the comment. Given how many patients he’d likely seen since then, she was surprised he even remembered her name, much less an innocent remark made during a weak moment. “Sometimes.” She looked down at the hands clasped in her lap as she admitted, “Most of the time.”

  He reached into his desk and extracted a card. “It’s not unusual for patients who’ve faced life-threatening illnesses to have difficulty coming to terms with it.” He passed the embossed business card across his desk. “Dr. Greene is a colleague and friend of mine. I think it might help you to talk to her about this.”

  She looked at the fancy script on the card before asking, “You really think I need a shrink?”

  He chuckled. “I think you need to talk to someone, a professional.” He set his silver-rimmed glasses down on the desk. “This may not be my place to say, but I’ve known you a long time, so I feel I’d be doing you a disservice if I wasn’t honest with you…”

  She didn’t know which was worse, being physically sick or having her doctor think she was coming unglued.

  “Victoria, your life didn’t end with your diagnosis. On the contrary, your remission is a second chance. Do yourself a favor, make the most of it.”

  She considered what that would mean, making the most of the time she had left instead of living in fear her body may betray her again. There was no question it would be liberating to step outside of her comfort zone and learn to live again. “I’ll think about it.” She held the card tighter. “I’ll think about calling Dr. Greene, I promise.”

  Dr. Dalton smiled as he stood up. “Glad to hear it.” He pointed to the small room beside his office. “Why don’t you slip into a gown so we can finish up your exam, and I can send you on your way?” He winked at her. “With a clean bill of health.”

  Jay’s stomach was tied up in knots as he waited for Victoria. He didn’t know what was wrong, but something definitely was. Ever since she’d received the call from the doctor’s office, she’d been walking around in a daze. Whatever it was, there was no way he was going to let her go through it alone. No matter how determined she was to push him away, he was going to be there to support her, whether she liked it or not.

  He felt her presence filling the room before he even looked up. He was almost afraid of what her reaction might be. After the panic he’d seen clouding her eyes earlier, he didn’t know what to expect now. Whatever he’d been a
nticipating, the reality was completely unexpected. She looked radiant, as though the doctor had given her a new lease on life in the mere minutes she’d spent with him.

  “Hi,” she said, beaming. “Are you ready to go?”

  “Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here.”

  He slid his hand in hers and led her out of the office. He felt like he did the first time he went sky-diving. He was terrified before he took the leap, but the adrenaline rush from facing his fear and coming out the other side left him weak with relief. That’s how he felt now, holding Victoria’s hand as they stepped onto the elevator: inexplicably relieved. He didn’t know what had just happened, but he felt like she’d just dodged a bullet, and he was just so grateful her smile told him she was going to be okay.

  She frowned when she looked up at him. “Hey, are you all right?”

  He punched the stop button and backed her into the mirrored wall. “No, I’m not okay.” He thrust his hands into her hair. “I was scared to death. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I just wanted to protect you, to keep you safe. I hated that I couldn’t. I felt so damn helpless…” His breath was coming out in gasps and his heart was pounding in his chest. He felt more winded than he had when he ran the 10K last month. “I hate feeling like things are beyond my control.”

  But he knew the way he felt about her was beyond his control. It defied logic, broke down every barrier he’d ever erected, and laughed in the face of everything he thought he knew about relationships.

  It was supposed to take time to build a relationship, to fall in love. You weren’t supposed to meet someone and be struck speechless. You weren’t supposed to waste every minute thinking about them, especially when you had a business to run. You sure as hell weren’t supposed to be interested in a woman who was dating your brother. But he was.

  His mouth came down on hers, stealing the words hovering on her lips. He didn’t want to hear her protest. There were no words to describe the avalanche that had torn through his life and nearly brought him to his knees in recent days. Nothing else mattered in that moment as he explored her mouth, not his brother or her doctor, the studio or the fact she was his employee. The only thing he cared about was exploring this incredible connection that had them clinging to each other and pouring everything they had into a single kiss.