Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

  She rested her hand on his back. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you. Victoria’s cancer has been in remission for a long time, but…”

  Remission. She was in remission. Thank God. “Jesus,” he whispered, scraping his hands over his face. “You scared the hell out of me.”

  Lindsay tipped her head to look at him. “I can see that. You really care about her, don’t you?”

  The fear of losing Victoria brought all of those feelings closer to the surface, and he didn’t even think about censoring his thoughts when he said, “You have no idea.”

  She smiled. “Victoria and I have been friends for a long time. I kept hoping she’d meet someone like you. Someone who’d be willing to see past the cancer and the fact that she can’t have a family to the amazing person she is on the inside. She deserves someone who’s going to love her...” Lindsay must have seen that look in his eye again. “What’s wrong?”

  Talk about a one-two punch. Jay was still reeling from the news about the cancer, and she nonchalantly tells him Victoria can never have a family. What the hell was he supposed to say? “She can’t have children?”

  Lindsay put her hand over her mouth, wide-eyed with panic. “Oh God, I’m sorry. Oh, Victoria is gonna kill me for telling you. Just forget I said anything.”

  “Just tell me.”

  She stared at the dark brown liquid in the bottom of her Styrofoam cup. “I’ve come this far, I may as well fill you in on the rest.” She sighed. “She was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer when she was twenty. The prognosis wasn’t good.”

  He tried to process the news that the strong, vital woman he’d been making love to last night had almost lost her life. “But she beat it?”

  “She’s a fighter. Hell, she’s the strongest woman I’ve ever known.”

  Jay smiled. He would have described her the same way, especially knowing what she’d been through. “She went through it all alone?” He couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like for her, not having anyone to lean on or share her fears with.

  “Yeah.” She took a sip of her coffee. “She never forged a relationship with any of her foster families. They all treated her as a means to a monthly check, nothing more.”

  Jay thought they all must have been blind not to see the incredible woman he saw when he looked at her. “It’s their loss,” he muttered.

  Lindsay grinned. “That’s what I told Victoria, but she had a hard time believing it. When your parents abandon you, and you grow up in the system…” She shrugged. “You never really get over it, you know?”

  No, he didn’t know. He’d been blessed with two loving parents who wouldn’t have thought twice about laying down their lives for him or his brother. “You grew up in foster care, too?”

  “Yeah.” She nodded. “The system’s a fierce bitch. Once it gets you in its clutches, it never lets go. You grow up, learn to take care of yourself, but it’s always there, in the back of your mind. Every day you look in the mirror and you have to face the fact no one loved you, no one wanted you.”

  He reached for Lindsay’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”

  She offered him a watery smile. “Thanks.” She sighed. “Things changed for me when I met my fiancée. I was hoping the same would happen for Victoria someday, that she’d find someone who’d help her move beyond the cancer scare and—”

  “I can’t believe you told him.”

  Jay turned around to see Victoria standing behind them, looking devastated. He jumped up, anxious to comfort her. “Sweetheart, I—”

  Victoria held her hand up as she took a step back. “Don’t touch me.” She pointed a trembling finger at Lindsay. “I trusted you. You were the only person I’ve ever trusted with my secrets. How could you do this to me?”

  “Honey, I’m sorry.” Tears started streaking Lindsay’s face and she brushed them away. “I thought he knew about the cancer and the fact you couldn’t have a family—”

  Her mouth fell open as hurt gave way to shock. “You told him everything?”

  “Baby, listen to me…” He was desperate to touch her, to pull her into his arms and tell her he didn’t give a damn about any of it, but the wild look in her told him she would bolt if he dared to come any closer.

  “You…” She glared at him. “You couldn’t get the details you wanted from me, so you thought you’d come here and pump my so-called friend for information about my past? You think one meaningless night gives you the right to insinuate yourself into my life this way?”

  Jay told himself she was hurt and angry, she didn’t mean what she was saying, but it still stung.

  A middle-aged doctor wearing a white lab coat approached them. “Pardon me, are you Victoria Pierce?”

  She turned to face him. “Yes, sir.”

  “We’re ready to do the ultrasound now. Ms. Wright said she’d like you to be with her.”

  “Of course, I’ll be right there.” She waited for the doctor to walk away before she turned back to Lindsay and Jay. “I don’t want either of you to be here when I come out of Lena’s room. Understood?”

  She looked so cold, so detached. Jay knew there was no way he was going to be able to reason with her until she had time to calm down. “Fine, I’ll call you later.”

  “Don’t bother.”

  He reached for her wrist when she turned to walk away. “You don’t really think I’m going to give up on you so easily?”

  She peeled his fingers off her wrist before she looked up at him with eyes so emotionless it broke his heart. He knew somewhere between hurt and anger, she’d slipped on her mask of indifference and he feared that would be the hardest layer of all to penetrate.

  “You don’t have a choice.”

  Victoria took a deep breath before she stepped into Lena’s hospital room. The last thing the young girl needed was to bear the burden of Victoria’s problems on top of her own.

  She couldn’t believe the only two people she’d ever allowed herself to trust betrayed her in one fell swoop.

  Lena looked terrified as the doctor spread the gel on her protruding stomach.

  Victoria set her own problems aside as she took the girl’s hand and smiled. “Everything’s going to be fine.” Of course, she had no way of knowing that, and during her illness she always resented it when nurses and doctors tried to sugar coat things to spare her, but she could tell Lena was nearing her breaking point.

  “What’s if it’s not?” she whispered fiercely, digging her short nails into Victoria’s hand. “What if I did something wrong? What if I hurt my baby?”

  “Sssh,” Victoria said, brushing Lena’s hair off her face. She’d never had any experience being maternal, and she’d certainly never had an example to follow, but the other counselors at the shelter told her she had a way of putting traumatized children at ease. They’d always told her she’d make a wonderful mother someday. When they said it, they had no way of knowing how deep the offhand compliment sliced her.

  They sat in silence, waiting and praying for the tiny blip to appear on the screen. They both watched the doctor’s face as he focused all of his attention on the screen, trying to read his reaction, looking for some hint everything was as it should be.

  Victoria was stunned at how invested she was. She hadn’t even known this baby existed twenty-four hours ago, yet she knew she’d be devastated if she found out it was no more. Lena wasn’t ready to be a mother. It may be a blessing in disguise, but Victoria couldn’t help but feel every baby was a gift to be treasured, especially after she’d seen so many beautiful infants being cast aside like unwanted waste.

  “Is everything okay?” Lena whispered, staring at the screen. “Is my baby okay?”

  “Everything looks fine. Judging by this, I’d say you’re about thirty weeks.” He looked to Lena for confirmation. “Does that sound right?”

  “Yes, sir, I think so.”

  Victoria and Lena both stared on, in awe, as the doctor pointed out the blip on the screen. The tiny little bli
p with a strong heartbeat and a stronger will to live had already beat the odds, already established him or herself as a fighter.

  “I can tell you the baby’s gender, if you’d like to know.”

  Lena looked up at Victoria and smiled. “Yes, please.”

  “It looks like it’s going to be a girl. We don’t like to say with absolute certainty. Of course, there’s always room for error, but in this case, I’m 98% percent certain.”

  “A girl,” Lena whispered, clenching Victoria’s hand tighter. “I’m going to have a baby girl.”

  Victoria couldn’t stem the flow of tears if she’d wanted to. The last twenty-four hours had taken her on a rollercoaster ride from heaven to hell and back again. “I’m sure she’s gonna be beautiful, just like her mama.”

  “You know, you’re a very lucky young lady,” the doctor said. “This far into your pregnancy, without prenatal care…” He shook his head. “It could have been disastrous.”

  “I understand,” Lena said, quietly.

  Victoria wanted to speak out, to defend Lena, to tell the doctor she was barely more than a kid herself who’d had to deal with more in her short time on this earth than most adults could deal with in a lifetime, but she held her tongue. She knew Lena was going to have to learn to take care of herself if she had a prayer of being able to take care of her baby.

  “Would you like a photo?” the doctor asked, getting up from the stool he was perched on.

  “Yes, please.”

  Victoria watched the doctor print the image and push the ultrasound machine aside. He’d probably done this hundreds of times in his career, but this was the first time Victoria had ever witnessed the miracle of life growing inside someone’s body and she was stunned to realize it had shaken her to the core.

  The doctor passed the image to Lena. “I’ll send you home with a prescription for prenatal vitamins. You should set up an appointment with your family doctor as soon as possible.”

  Lena remained quiet until the doctor left the room. “I don’t have a doctor. I don’t have insurance. What am I gonna do?”

  Victoria knew what it felt like to feel helpless and alone. She knew what it felt like to be hungry and be scared. “It’s okay,” she said, squeezing Lena’s hand. “The shelter has a reserve fund for medical emergencies, and I’ll ask my doctor if he can see you.”

  Lena stared at the picture in her hand for a long time before she said, “I came back for a reason, Victoria.”

  “I don’t need to know why you came back, honey. I’m just so glad you did.”

  “I’ve never had a mother or big sister to take care of me…” She cleared her throat, obviously trying to get the words out. “Ever since I met you, you made it a point to take care of me. You’d visit me at my foster homes, come in to my room and talk to me when I was at the shelter, help me with my homework before I started skippin’ school.” She choked back a sob. “Hell, you even came out to look for me on the streets once. Do you remember?”

  Victoria remembered being terrified at the thought of a twelve-year-old girl being out on the streets at night with no one to protect her. She’d hunted every dark alley, dumpster, bridge, park, and abandoned house in the city, all night long, until she finally found her huddled in the corner of a store, trying to keep warm.

  “Of course I remember.”

  “You were the first person to ever give a damn about me, to care whether I’d be dead or alive come morning.”

  Victoria tried in vain to blink back the tears. She’d tried so hard to protect her heart, to prevent anyone from getting too close, but without even realizing it, this scared, lonely teenager wore her down. “You have so much potential, Lena. You could do or be anything you want to be.”

  “I want to be just like you,” she said, looking up at Victoria shyly, under the veil of her long, dark eyelashes. “Strong and fearless.”

  Victoria almost laughed out loud at her inaccurate description. She felt as weak and helpless as she’d ever felt. Her best friend had turned on her. The first man she’d ever thought to let her guard down with betrayed her, and she felt hopelessly alone in the world. It never bothered her before, the thought of being alone, but today, for some unknown reason, it terrified her.

  “Victoria, I have something to ask you.” She took a deep breath. “I know I don’t have the right to ask this. It isn’t your problem to fix…”

  “Honey, you can ask me anything. You know I’ll try to help any way I can.”

  With trembling fingers, Lena handed Victoria the image the doctor had given her mere moments before. “I’d like you to adopt my baby.”

  A rush of nausea came over Victoria at the same time the room began to spin. “What did you say?” She prayed she’d heard her wrong. She must have heard her wrong. Anyone in their right mind could see she wasn’t fit to be a mother. She was sick and… okay, maybe she wasn’t sick anymore, but she could be, any time… tomorrow, the next day… no one knew for sure.

  “I want you to take my baby.”

  “No!” Victoria jumped up out of her seat, almost knocking it over in her haste to get out of the small hospital room. The walls were closing in on her, trying to trap her. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t stay. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… so sorry. You don’t want me.” She covered her mouth when a sob escaped. “You wouldn’t want me. You don’t understand. Your baby deserves better, someone who can promise to be there for her.” She slowly backed out of the room. “I can’t. I’m so sorry… I just can’t.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Jay knew he should just go home and hope Victoria would call or stop by when she was ready to talk, but he didn’t trust himself to give her the space she needed if he was left alone with his thoughts.

  When he pulled into his dad’s driveway, he almost thought about completing the circle and leaving again. He didn’t know what to say, how to explain what was going on with him. But then he realized this was his dad, so he probably wouldn’t have to. Josh had always known what he was thinking and when he was struggling without ever needing a clue. That’s what made him the kind of dad Jay always hoped he’d be someday. But he never imagined a family wouldn’t be in the cards for him. With Victoria, it was an either / or proposition, and he already knew he’d be willing to make any sacrifice to make her his. He thought he could live without kids, but he didn’t want to think about living without her.

  Jay knew he could just walk in, but he rang the doorbell instead. He needed another minute to collect himself.

  His step-mother, Lexi, pulled the heavy wood door open and grinned when she saw him. She put a hand on her hip. “Hey, since when do you ring the doorbell?”

  He couldn’t respond, couldn’t get the words past the lump in his throat. It was so damn unfair. He’d always had a huge circle of people who loved him, family, friends, extended family, and Victoria had no one. “I’m sorry, Lex,” he whispered, holding his hand up. “Just gimme a minute.”

  She pulled him over the threshold and into her waiting arms. “It’s okay,” she said, stroking his back through his leather jacket. “Whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay, honey.”

  Jay had always had a close relationship with his step-mother, but he’d never felt so grateful to have her in his life. She seemed to sense a hug was exactly what he needed to help him say what he needed to say. “I’ve got a problem, Lex.” He cleared his throat. “A big problem.”

  She stepped back and stroked his cheek. “Your dad’s out back, honey.” She grabbed his hand when he stepped past her. “Listen, if you need a woman’s perspective, you come back in and talk to me, okay?”

  He forced a smile. “Will do, thanks.”

  Jay took his time walking out to the patio, trying to collect his thoughts. He didn’t want to betray Victoria’s confidence by sharing her personal story with someone else, but if he didn’t talk about this, it was going to continue eating away at him until it impacted every area of his life.

  Josh wa
s cleaning debris from the pool, but looked up and smiled when he saw his son. “Hey, buddy, this is a nice surprise. What’s up?”

  Jay slipped his leather jacket off and set it on the back of one of the loungers by the pool. “You got a minute, Dad? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

  Concern drew sharp lines between Josh’s dark eyebrows. “Yeah, of course.” He sat down on the chair beside Jay. “What’s goin’ on? When I stopped by the studio, they said you’d slipped out for a bit. I gotta admit I was kind of surprised. You’re usually there from sun up ‘til sun down on openin’ day.”

  He cleared his throat. “Today was different. I had other things on my mind.”

  Josh laced his fingers. “Does this have anything to do with Victoria?”

  “How’d you know?”

  Josh laughed as he got up and walked to the mini-bar flanking the outdoor kitchen. He poured a shot of scotch into two highball glasses before handing one to his son.

  Jay hesitated before taking it. “I probably shouldn’t. I brought the bike tonight.”

  “So you’ll spend the night.” Josh grinned. “Come on, when was the last time you tied one on with your old man?”

  Jay eased back in the lounge chair, tipped his head back, and closed his eyes. “It’s just all comin’ down on me at once, ya know?” He sighed. “The new studio, tryin’ to grow the business… I thought I was doin’ okay, but…”

  “Then you met Victoria, and everything changed?”

  “Yeah, kind of feels like somebody ripped the rug out from under me. A few weeks ago, I knew what I wanted, where I was headed, now… hell, I don’t know which end is up anymore.”

  Josh claimed the lounge chair beside him. “I know what that’s like.”

  He opened one eye and tipped his head to the side. “You do?”

  “Sure. Don’t you remember what a mess I was right around the time me and Lexi got together?”

  Jay took a deep swallow of the liquor, savoring the slow burn on the way down. He’d welcome anything to numb his pain and confusion, even though he knew it would only be temporary. “It was different with you guys. You’d known each other a long time. You were friends, good friends, before you ever thought about takin’ your relationship to the next level. That’s how relationships are supposed to be, right?”