Hopeless

by Cheryl Douglas

  “Tori?”

  “Hell no! What makes you think I’d wanna see her again? I told you, what happened with her never should’ve happened.”

  “What’s your problem with her? She’s a sweetheart. You’d see that if you were willin’ to give her half a chance.”

  Mike tipped the bottle to his lips and took a deep swallow before he said, “She’s loud and obnoxious.”

  “So are you.”

  Mike scowled. “She thinks she knows everything.”

  “So do you.” Jay grinned. “So far, you two sound perfect for each other.”

  “She sleeps around.”

  Jay narrowed his eyes as he tried to figure out whether his brother was fishing for information. He and Tori were friends, but they didn’t share intimate details of their lives. Even if they did, he wouldn’t break her confidence by telling his brother. “You don’t really believe the shit you read in those rags, do you?”

  “Can you say for sure it isn’t true?”

  “So you’re not willin’ to give it a chance because you don’t think you’re man enough to compete with all those other guys who’re after her, huh?” Jay chuckled. “I know there’ve been a couple of professional athletes, an actor, a race car driver—”

  “Shut the hell up!”

  It wasn’t often Jay got to see his brother rattled. If not for his concern about Victoria’s whereabouts, he may have been able to take pleasure in it. “You’re an idiot if you don’t call her right now and beg her to let you make up for bein’ such an ass, throwin’ her outta here the way you did.”

  “Are you crazy? I’m not apologizin’ to her.”

  “So… was it hot?” It wasn’t unusual for them to talk about sex, but there were certain lines they wouldn’t cross, and when either of them was in a committed relationship, what happened between them and their partners remained behind closed doors.

  “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

  “Really?” Jay smiled. “Why?”

  “Same reason you don’t wanna talk about Victoria.”

  “Man, just back off.”

  Mike sighed. “So, you heard from her since she left town, or what?”

  “How did you know she left?”

  “I stopped by the studio a few minutes after you left. Karen told me.”

  Leave it to Karen. She couldn’t keep a secret if her life depended on it. “No, I haven’t heard from her. No idea where she is.”

  “You want me to track her down?”

  This was one time when having a detective in the family could prove invaluable, but Jay wasn’t going to try and lure Victoria back. He wanted to, but he knew it wouldn’t help his cause. He may be able to convince her to come home with him, he may even be able to get her back into bed, but the problems that drove her away would still exist. Until she was willing to fight to overcome them, he knew he couldn’t win.

  “Thanks, but I need to let her figure this out on her own. If she comes back, it has to be because she wants to.”

  “Man, since when did you get so mature?”

  Jay smiled, even though it was the last thing he felt like doing. His life had to go on, with or without Victoria. “I’ve always been the mature one.”

  Mike started peeling the label off his bottle, refusing to look at him. “You in love with her, or what?”

  “I think so.” He sighed. There was no sense lying to his brother or himself. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Then how the hell can you just let her go? I don’t get it. If it were me, I’d be huntin’ her down right now.”

  His brother was typically jealous and insecure, so his attitude didn’t surprise Jay. “What good would it do, man?” He leaned his head back on the couch. “We’d still be right back where we were when she left. She’s afraid to make a commitment, afraid to let herself fall in love with me or that baby…” He hesitated when he realized he’d said too much.

  “It’s okay, Karen already told me about Lena.”

  “Why am I not surprised?”

  Mike laughed. “You sure you don’t want me to track her down for you?”

  Jay would have been lying if he said he wasn’t tempted by the offer. “Right now, no. If she hasn’t come back in a week or so, ask me again.”

  “You got it.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Victoria was afraid to face Jay again. She had no idea how he was feeling or what he was thinking, but she’d run as far and as fast as she could. Now it was time to stop running and face what she was feeling.

  She’d done some healing in the weeks since she’d last seen him, but she knew she had a long road ahead of her. Given the choice, she didn’t want to travel it alone anymore.

  Just as she raised her hand to knock on his door, it flew open and Jay almost bowled her over in his haste to leave his apartment.

  His face drained of color and he took a step back. “Victoria.”

  “I hope you don’t mind? I snuck into the building behind another guest.” When he didn’t say anything, she said, “If this isn’t a good time, I can come back later.” When he still didn’t respond, she said, “Or not.”

  “Gimme a minute,” he said, punching a button on his phone. “Karen, something’s come up. You’re gonna have to reschedule those meetings for me. Yeah, I don’t know when. I’ll let you know. Thanks, bye.”

  She stood on the threshold, waiting, praying he was ready to invite her in. “I’m sorry. I know I should have called first.”

  Jay beckoned her inside before closing the door behind her. The muscle in his jaw was flexing when he turned around to face her. “I’m not gonna lie. I’m surprised to see you. When I didn’t hear from you, I just assumed you weren’t comin’ back.”

  He seemed so cold, so distant, so different from the man who’d pleaded with her to listen to reason that day at the hospital. Maybe it was too late to go back. Perhaps she’d waited too long to reach out to him. “I wanted to call, but I needed to figure a few things out first.”

  “And? Did you?”

  Victoria started pacing, walking the length of the Persian runner covering the short hallway leading to the bedrooms and bathrooms. “I’ve been talking to someone… a therapist. It’s helped a lot.”

  “I’m glad.”

  His curt responses told her it would be a long time before she heard the warmth and understanding she’d come to expect from him, if ever. “She helped me to realize some things, things I’ve been avoiding for a long, long time.”

  “Like?”

  “I’m alone because I choose to be, not because I have to be.”

  He didn’t say anything in response to her revelation, and the way he was staring at her so intently almost made Victoria wish she hadn’t decided to put her heart on the line. If he told her it was too late for them, she didn’t know how she would react. All of the hopes and dreams she’d been building her life around for the past few weeks were centered on this man. Without him, none of it made sense.

  “I want to make different choices.” She raised her chin, hoping she looked braver than she felt. “Better choices.”

  He stuck his hands in the pockets of his faded jeans before saying, “Is that so?”

  Jay obviously wasn’t going to make this easy on her, not that she expected him to. “I went to the shelter before I came here. Lindsay told me what you did for Lena. She said you arranged for her to stay at Trey’s house… that you’d been checking in on her every day.” If she’d had any doubt about her feelings for this man before, they’d been erased the moment she found out the lengths he’d gone to helping a girl he barely knew.

  “Lena’s a good girl. I like her a lot.”

  “She is a good girl,” Victoria said, quietly. “I hate the way I left her… when she needed me the most.”

  “I’ve been there for her.” There was a hard edge to his voice when he said, “So has Lindsay, Trey, Sierra, Alisa… she hasn’t been alone.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. Thank you for stepping up t
o help her. You didn’t have to.”

  “I know.” He glared at her. “I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to.”

  She was almost afraid to ask the next question. “Has she decided what she’s going to do about the baby?” If she learned Lena had found another home for her baby in the weeks since she’d left, Victoria would be crushed. She’d already held that baby in her mind a million times, rocked her to sleep, given her a bottle, and sang her a lullaby. There was a huge part of her heart that already belonged to a baby girl who hadn’t even been born yet.

  Jay shrugged. “I haven’t asked her. If she wants to talk about it, she knows I’m here.” He looked her in the eye, unable to conceal his hostility. “Unlike you.”

  She felt the force of his words like a physical blow. “I’m sorry I let her down. I’m sorry I let you down.”

  “I can take care of myself, but Lena thought you were her friend.”

  It felt like he was spewing venom with every word lancing her. “I am her friend.” The fighter in her wouldn’t allow him to continue reprimanding her without at least trying to defend herself. “Why do you think I came back?”

  “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

  This was the moment of truth. Did she have the courage to tell him the truth, even in the face of his anger? “I came home for Lena and the baby. And Lindsay…” She looked him in the eye. “And you, I came home because I missed you.”

  “But you never thought to call? Hell, you didn’t even bother to text me. You know how many nights I’ve wasted wonderin’ if you were okay?”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, daring to take a step closer. “I needed time.” She found the courage to touch his forearm, praying he wouldn’t lash out or retreat. “I know what I want now, Jay.”

  Jay knew he seemed cold and distant, but it was only because he was trying so hard to resist the urge to pull her into his arms and erase the fear and doubt plaguing the beautiful eyes that had been haunting his dreams. He wanted to lash out, to punish her for the hell she’d put him through, but more than anything, he wanted to hit his knees and thank the God of fates for bringing her back to him.

  “I think you’d better tell me what you want.” He fisted his hands at his side, when he would have preferred to thrust them into her hair, tip her head back, and ravage her mouth.

  “You,” she whispered. She licked her lips as she let her hand fall to her side. “I want you, if you’ll have me?”

  Those were the sweetest words he’d ever heard, falling from the sweetest lips he’d ever kissed, but having her grace his life only to leave again so soon made him realize the trip from heaven to hell was a short one, and he had no intention of letting her take him to the promised land until he knew she wouldn’t be leading him back to the dark side with her next breath.

  “What changed your mind?” He needed to know beyond a doubt her feelings rivaled his before he could let himself step off that cliff.

  “I thought about you every minute of every day.” Her voice broke. “I’d fall asleep thinking about you and wake up thinking about you.” She smiled up at him. “I got a job as a waitress in a truck stop. I can’t tell you how many angry truckers left wearin’ their soup or chili ‘cause I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about you long enough to deliver a damn meal.”

  Jay hated thinking about her out there alone, putting herself in precarious situations, just to make a buck. A gorgeous woman surrounded by all those men. “You were okay out there by yourself, weren’t you? I mean, no one tried to step out of line, did they?” He knew she could take care of herself. He loved that about her, but if he found out one of those guys touched a hair on her head, he’d hunt them down and make them wished they’d just kept driving.

  She shrugged. “Some of them flirted; a few asked me out, but…”

  “But…?” He held his breath, waiting for her to continue. He couldn’t even stand the thought of another man putting his hands on her. She was his.

  “After the night we made love…” She ran her hands up his chest. “I couldn’t even think about being with anyone else.” She ran her tongue over her bottom lip as she lowered her eyes. “Just thinking about the way you touched me, the way you made me feel…”

  He groaned as he pulled her against his chest and thrust his hands into her hair. There was nothing sweet or tender about the kiss. It was born of pain and frustration, and the aching nearly split his chest in two when he let himself think about her too long.

  Victoria slipped her hands under his T-shirt, grazing his back with her nails as she moaned into his mouth.

  Jay walked her toward the bedroom as they hungrily demanded more from each other with each sweet slide of their tongues. “Yesss,” he hissed, pulling the straps of her sundress over her shoulders.

  She tipped her head back, granting him access to her neck. “God, I want you… I need you.”

  There were no words to describe how much Jay needed her in that moment. It was all-consuming, claiming all sense of reason with every breath he took. He pushed forward when the bed entered his line of vision, knowing she would have a soft place to land when he finally came down on top of her.

  “Clothes… off… now.” He tore his T-shirt off just before reaching for his belt buckle. Gone was the controlled, focused martial arts master the world knew him to be. In his place was a savage, intent on claiming the one thing he needed to ensure his survival. Her.

  She wasted no time sliding the dress off and baring herself to him. She looked as aroused as he felt, and it was a heady aphrodisiac, knowing he could make her feel things no one ever had. “I love you.” He was tired of holding back, pretending he had a clue how to control the powder keg set to erupt between them.

  “I love you, too,” she whispered, reaching up to stroke the stubble on his cheek. “I’ve never said that to anyone before. I’ve always been so afraid to let myself go there.” She smiled. “No more fear. I love you… I love you… I love you.”

  He closed his eyes as he turned his cheek into her palm. He knew he would never get tired of hearing her say those words, no matter how many years they spent together; those three little words would always be the soothing balm that made bad days better.

  The physical and emotional barriers were suddenly gone, and they lay there, staring at each other, reveling in the freedom of finally being able to say what they felt without fear of pain or recrimination.

  “I’m never gonna let you go,” he whispered, forcing her to look him in the eye. “If the goddamn cancer comes back, we’ll fight it together, you and me. And we’ll beat it.”

  She slipped her hands through his and smiled. “I know. Just like I’ll be there to help you face every single battle you have to face.”

  Victoria made him a better man, a stronger man. The magazine articles always depicted him as this mysterious, fearless, warrior type, but until he’d met her, he felt like he was just playing a role, being the persona people expected to see when he donned the uniform that set him apart from the masses. Now, he finally felt the strength of her courage infusing him, making him feel as though there was no force in the world strong enough to tear him down as long as he had her by his side.

  “Make love to me,” she whispered.

  Jay reached into his nightstand for a condom, but she grabbed his wrist. “No more barriers. I want you to love me, just you, just me, with nothing between us.”

  He’d never thought to make love to a woman without the benefit of protection, but with her it seemed so right, so natural, as though that’s the way it was meant to be. He leaned down to kiss her and she raised her hips, urging him to give her what she needed.

  When they finally came together, her mouth taking his at the same time his body claimed hers, he knew it was different than the last time they made love. She was so guarded then, trying to protect both of them from getting hurt, but this time, she met him thrust for thrust, fearlessly. She poured all of her love, courage, and strength into it, giving him
her heart and her body without reservation.

  “I want you here with me, every night,” he whispered in her ear as he tried to prolong the pleasure just a few more minutes. His tongue darted out to lick the shell of her ear as her nails skimmed his shoulders. “I want you by my side at work every day…” There was no part of his life he didn’t want her to share.

  “I want that too.” Her breath was coming harder, faster, and he knew she was getting closer to the invisible peak.

  He licked her neck, drawing the sensitive skin into his mouth. “Let go for me, baby.”

  She moaned and surrendered to her release at the same time his body passed the point of no return. They lay together for a long time, waiting for their breathing to return to normal, searching for the strength to break the connection they’d finally found the courage to seek in each other’s arms.

  The cell phone in Jay’s pocket rang and he groaned. He was tempted to ignore it, but his business was in a period of transition, growing beyond his wildest expectations, which meant he was on call whenever the studios were open. “Sorry, sweetheart, I should get that.”

  She smiled as he eased off of her and reached for the jeans he’d tossed on the floor. “No worries, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Jay frowned when he saw the number flash on the screen. “It’s Lena.”

  Victoria sat up. “Hurry, answer it.”

  “Hey, kiddo, what’s up?”

  “Jay… I need … you. Please, I… don’t… have a …coach. I was… gonna ask… you, but there’s… no time. The … baby’s… coming now!”

  The words were ripped from her throat between huge gasps and Jay knew she must be already be in active labor. “Okay, just try and relax. Where are you?”

  “On… way… to … hospital.”

  “Okay, just hang on, Lena. I’m on my way. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He hung up the phone and jumped out of bed, thrusting his legs into his jeans.