Feeling This

by Blue, Casey

  I stare down at the floor, not meeting his eyes and tell him in a rushed breath, “This is my momma. She has MS; this is her second fall in six months. It was the worst of them, they had to pin a broken hip. She is dying, not only from her disease but also because she’s an alcoholic.”

  My voice strengthens and I look up at him intently, “I am the only person she has in this world. I work to pay the bills and I take care of her. “

  As I utter these last words, I decide to give him an out after hearing about my pathetic life. “Jordan, I don’t have any time in my life for a relationship. Now that Momma has broken her hip, she is going to need around the clock care.”

  I look away and ready myself for him to turn around and high tail it out of here but he stands still for a moment longer before closing the distance between us. When he is only a foot in front of me he reaches out and lifts my chin to look into his eyes. I force myself to meet his gaze.

  “Kimber Maguire, last night I told you I want to take care of you. This doesn’t change that. In fact, it proves that you need me to take care of you.”

  Tears start rolling down my cheeks, at his words.

  “I’ve fallen in love with you and you aren’t going to push me away. I won’t let you.”

  He leans in brushing my lips with his as my tears turn the kiss salty.

  He pulls away reminding me, “And I need you, to help me heal.”

  He gathers me into his arms and I rest my head on his shoulder, memorizing the feel of him. His words repeat in my mind, he’s fallen in love with me. A part of me, deep inside, burns with passion at his profession, a feeling I’ve never experienced in my life. I want to savor this moment.

  A few minutes later while I’m still in Jordan’s arms, my reality comes crashing back as her voice rings through the room, “Kimber, what you doin’ girl? Don’t you be trampin’ around like that Heidi girl.”

  I pull back from Jordan and apologize quietly. He smirks as if she amuses him. Well, just wait, that smile will be gone in no time. I step up to the side of the bed and ask, “Hey Momma, how are you feeling?”

  “I really need a drink. You better be gettin’ me somethin’ or I’m gonna call Jenna.”

  My anger surfaces, I’ve just about had it with her. Then I feel Jordan’s hand rest on my shoulder and I put on my fake smile, telling her sweetly, “Now Momma, you know that’ s not possible. You just had your hip pinned and we’re in the hospital. You’re not allowed to drink in here.”

  She waves me away, “I see how you’re gonna be. I’m callin’ Jenna.”

  I take step forward but Jordan’s grip on my shoulder tightens, causing me to step back into his warmth. His arms embrace me and calm pours through me. Where has he been all these years?

  Momma seems to suddenly remember he’s here. She calls out, “Who the hell is that? Why are you bringin’ strange men into my room? I’m callin’ security.”

  I tell her slowly, “Momma, this is Jordan. He is my, friend.”

  She looks from him then to me and starts laughing, “No he isn’t, you’re fuckin’ him jus’ like that worthless girl you call a best friend.”

  I start to yell as the tears start again, “Momma, you have no right! I do everything for you and this is what I get. You are rude and hurtful. Why can’t you just be nice for once?”

  Jordan grabs my arm gently before I can go on. He pulls me out of the room as Momma calls out behind us, “If I’m such a burden, I’ll go and live somewhere else. I see how you really feel about me, the woman who gave you life.”

  She continues but I tune her out. I look away shaking my head claiming, “See this is my reality. You should just leave now. Nobody wants this shit in their life.”

  He puts his hands on my cheeks, making me look up at him. A small dimpled smile spreads across his lips.

  “Kimber, you are the strongest woman I have ever met. I am here for you and for your mom. I’m not going anywhere.”

  He adds chuckling, “She is quite the feisty one, isn’t she?”

  A small smile meets my lips as I start to relax, “You have no idea.”

  He nods to her room, “That explains a lot. Now I know where you get it.”

  I hit his arm softly at his teasing. He gathers me in his arms again and whispers in my ear, “I meant every word that I said. I’ve been lucky to find you. I thought I lost my chance but I’ve been given another one. I’m holding on tight to you.”

  He squeezes for a moment and loosens his grip. I back away and grab his hand. When my stare meets his I can see how serious he is. It amazes me in that moment that in a mere two weeks, I have found the person I want for the rest of my life. I never believed in love at first sight but somehow I’ve happened upon it.

  A nurse coming down the hall brings me down from my high. She scurries to the door in a panic, “Ms. Maguire pushed the call button about fifty times after we answered her. Is she alright?”

  I roll my eyes and turn to the door. I mutter over my shoulder to Jordan, “Are you sure? This is your last chance to run.”

  He squeezes my hand and says, “Let’s go take care of that momma of yours.”

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Jordan

  When I found Kimber in the room with her mom, she seemed so small and helpless. It cemented in my mind that I made the right decision to come here. Her mom is definitely nothing like I’ve ever experienced before but I’m willing to do anything for Kimber. I don’t want her to feel pain, ever again.

  I was a little apprehensive about professing my feelings to her. I knew she was vulnerable at this point. She is still wearing the same clothes from last night so I know she hasn’t even had a chance to go home yet. I took advantage anyway. It was hard to hold back seeing her hurt so much and the brief resentment for me surface. I had to make sure she clearly knew my intentions. The fact that I told her that I am falling in love with her, made its way from my lips on its own, but it felt so right.

  When the nurse scuttled down the hall to check on Ms. Maguire, we followed her in to be greeted with non-stop ranting. She chastised Kimber again and implied things about my presence there. I wanted so badly to defend Kimber and tell her where she could go but that wasn’t even an option, so I smiled the whole time letting Kimber do what she does. She handled her so well. I was amazed at her strength.

  After meeting with the doctor to find out when her mom can leave, I was able to talk Kimber into going home to get cleaned up and sleep a little. The only way she would leave was if I would stay here with her mom. I agreed that I wouldn’t leave. I think she is afraid her mom will wake up to no one. The fear that crossed her face when I made the suggestion convinced me that being alone is something that causes her anxiety.

  Now I sit in the lone chair beside her mom’s bed as she sleeps. This reminds me of my own mom. I’ve never had the burden of taking care of any of my family members. They’ve always made sure my sister and I always had everything we needed. In return I’ve pretty much treated them the same way Kimber’s mom treats her, not appreciative and ungrateful. Getting this tiny glimpse of Kimber’s life makes me love her even more deeply and want to take care of her.

  The blanket in front of me starts to stir. Her mom rolls to her back and blinks momentarily while breathing deeply. She must sense my presence because she turns her head looking at me, it seems without seeing me, her eyes look empty. I perch on the edge of the chair ready to stand if I need to.

  Finally, she blinks again and the same stormy color as Kimber’s eyes acknowledge me, “Who are you? Where is that girl? I need a cigarette.”

  I slowly stand, telling her, “I’ll go and get a nurse to see if that will be okay.”

  She continues staring not saying anything. Either the medication they have her on has made her disoriented or she has turned over a new leaf. I think it’s the medicine, what I saw earlier can’t be quelled that quickly.

  I rush out to the nurses’ station down the hall and ask, “Um, Ms. Maguire needs to
smoke a cigarette. Can I take her outside?”

  One of the nurses, a thin woman with a short grey bob turns as her eyebrows go up in surprise, “Do you really want to attempt that? You seem like such a nice young man, she is extremely difficult.”

  I chuckle, “I know but she needs this or I think she’ll cause even more trouble.”

  She nods agreeing with me and grabs a wheel chair at the end of the hall pushing it to the room. When we enter, Ms. Maguire starts ranting, “Well that took long enough. Good for nothing…”

  The nurse interrupts her, “Hello Ms. Maguire. You might be a little bit thankful for the help you’re getting . Not everyone has someone like your daughter to take care of them.”

  She looks blankly at the nurse and diverts her attention to me, “And what is your name again? Where is Kimber? Did she leave me?” Her voice comes out strangled at the last word. I think being left is a fear for Kimber and her mom.

  “Ms. Maguire, Kimber will be right back. I made her go home and get some fresh clothes. My name is Jordan, I’m Kimber’s friend, remember?”

  “I ain’t stupid.”

  I help the nurse lift her into the wheel chair. She gives me instructions about elevators and floors. The smoking area is on the ground level out the side doors of the hospital. We begin our trek down the hall to the elevators. When the doors slowly close causing the car to descend, she turns slightly in her chair wincing. I move more in line with her vision. She eyes me suspiciously and states, “You ain’t here cause yer just fucking her?”

  I shake my head uncomfortable with her choice of words. She waits but I don’t give any other information. She turns forward, seeming satisfied for the moment with my lack of an answer. The doors ping open and we make our way down the hall to the side doors. As soon as we are surrounded by the heat outside, she lights up pulling deeply on her fix. I find a bench and push her over; locking the wheels once it’s situated next to the bench. I sink down, placing my elbows on my knees, staring at the ground. We are the only people here for the moment. The silence spreads for about ten minutes. Finally, she whispers so quietly I have to look up to make sure she is talking.

  “Kimber is my baby. She shouldn’t have to take care of me. I’m supposed to be taking care of her or at least her coward of a sister should.”

  I sit up leaning against the bench and stare at her, waiting for her to say more.

  “She wanted to go away to college and be somthin’. I don’t think she even really had any idea what, I got sick so early. She didn’t get the chance. Now she’s stuck, but she’s all I have. We are all we both have. ‘cept that little tramp who lives ‘cross town in that ridiculous mansion.”

  I smirk at her mention of Heidi. She’s obviously not an approved friend. I lean in and tell her, “Ms. Maguire, Kimber is a wonderful woman. She is strong and beautiful. I admire her for all she has done for you and I can tell that you do too.”

  She nods looking at her hands folded in her lap. She takes the opportunity to light up another cigarette. Through the smoke she glares at me and asks, “What do you want with my Kimber?”

  I smile at her possessiveness and confess, “Ms. Maguire, I’ve fallen in love with your daughter. I agree with you and I think it’s time she had someone to take care of her. I want to be the one to take on that task.”

  She takes another drag, her eyes widening looking me up and down. She asks, “What makes you worthy of my daughter, Jordan?”

  I look away because I wasn’t expecting this question. What does make me worthy? I’m not whole and I don’t know that I ever will be. I look back over at her gaze. She is squinting at me, waiting patiently.

  “I’m not Ms. Maguire. I don’t know that anyone is worthy of Kimber, but I want to try and prove to her that I care enough. I may not be your first choice but will you give me a chance?”

  This is the second time since I’ve been here that I have asked to be given a chance to prove myself. I have a purpose again and it feels so right. She nods at me. I think this is her way of not really making any commitments but I’ll take it. If I can convince her mom, then maybe she can be swayed as well.

  When I push her into her hospital room, we find Kimber sleeping in the chair. The nurse comes in and helps me get her mom into the bed. She looks over at Kimber with fear in her face before addressing the nurse, “Can’t I get just a little touch of a drink, just a little?”

  The nurse frowns reprimanding her, “Now Ms. Maguire, you know that is not allowed. I think your doctor needs to talk to you about quitting.”

  This is the last thing she should have said because Ms. Maguire’s voice raises and she yells.

  ”I ain’t seein’ no doctor fer drinkin’. I ain’t got a problem.”

  Kimber stirs in the chair and looks up, alarm painted across her face. I step toward her and grab her hand kneeling down, ‘Don’t worry, it’s okay. The nurse just said something your mom didn’t agree with.”

  The nurse huffs at Ms. Maguire and storms out of the room. Kimber rises and settles on the bed next to her mom. She grabs her hand and tells her, “Momma, you gotta calm down or they’re gonna kick us outta here. You can’t go home for another day yet.”

  She pleads, grabbing Kimber’s hand in both of hers, “C’mon Kimber, I really need just a sip.”

  “I can’t Momma. It’s best this way.”

  She drops Kimber’s hand as if it is diseased and hisses, “Well, you just don’t care about me.”

  She crosses her arms across her chest. Kimber takes a deep breath and gets up. Her eyes meet mine and I can see how tired she is. I move closer to the bed and grab the remote control for the television. I place it in Ms. Maguire’s hand and ask, “Do you think I can take Kimber home so she can get some sleep? I promise we’ll be right back in the morning.”

  I check my watch and see that it’s already eight o’clock.

  “We’ll be here at eight in the morning.”

  She reaches out and pats my cheek smiling. “Okay Jordan, you go take care of my girl, I’ll see you two at eight.”

  I step back to see Kimber staring at me with a puzzled expression. She turns to her mom and asks, “Momma, are you sure? I can stay here if you want me to.”

  “Kimber Maguire, you go with this nice boy and make sure he feeds you. You’re gettin’ too skinny. I’ll see you in the mornin’.”

  I grab Kimber’s hand and lead her out of the room. She stops forcing me to face her and asks, “What did you say to my momma?”

  I shrug my shoulders and tell her, “Nothing really, except that I want to take care of you.”

  She looks up shyly with incredulity claiming, “Jordan Rhodes, I think you just might be irresistible.”

  I smile, devouring her pouty little lips for a minute. Then I pull away stating, “Let’s go and feed you, your Momma’s orders.”

  Chapter Thirty Four

  Kimber

  The scene that played out before my eyes between Jordan and Momma amazed the hell out of me. I don’t think I’ve seen Momma that nice in a long time. The fact that it wasn’t toward me pissed me off though. Of course Jordan doesn’t deserve her wrath but neither do I and she just met him.

  As he pulls out of the hospital parking lot, I stare at him still unbelieving of what just transpired. He glances over bringing my hand to his lips for a lingering kiss. A smile spreads as he faces the road again and he asks, “What?”

  “I can’t believe she didn’t chew you out. That’s her specialty.”

  He chuckles, “She did a little but I took her out to smoke a cigarette and I guess we bonded a little.”

  My mouth gapes open as I ask, “Bonded how? Momma hasn’t ever bonded with anyone.”

  He slows the car and presses the brake as the light turns red. He turns his head to me and admits, “I told her I’m falling for you and that I intend on taking care of you.”

  My heart speeds up at his words. I had doubts when I went home to change today. Part of me was scared to death that I�
��d go back to the hospital to find him gone. I thought maybe he didn’t want to admit that this is too much for him, to my face. But I was completely wrong. He was still there and now hearing these words from him again, astounds me that this is actually real.

  He averts his gaze forward and accelerates as the light changes. I’m still at a loss for words. Silence spreads but he still grasps my hand rubbing small circles with his thumb.

  “Kimber, where do you want to go and eat?”

  “How does pizza sound? If you drive past the Duck and past your motel, there is a pizza place in the next plaza.”

  “Sounds perfect. I was afraid I was going to have to brave the shepherd’s pie again.”

  A smile spreads across my lips. This wonderful man, actually wants me. He wants to be with me and he is choosing to do so, knowing all about the crap. I’m still so stunned.

  Once we pull in, he walks around the car and lets me out pulling me into his arms while sinking a kiss into the crook of my neck.

  He whispers into my ear, “Kimber, I really do want to take care of you. I have no intention of ever leaving you so I think I need to find a more permanent place to live. What do you think?”

  I pull away quickly grasping his shoulders, “You’re staying? You don’t want to go back home? What about your family?”

  He takes a step back and stares at me, “I want to be here. There is nothing for me there.”

  I nod, knowing it is still hard for him. I have to keep this in mind. He went through one of the worst things to ever happen to a person, someone he loves, died. When Momma goes, I will be heart broken. I can sympathize with him.

  I pull his hand toward the narrow restaurant. He follows, not speaking again. We place our order at the counter for a large cheese pizza and find a booth. He slides in one side and I slide in beside him holding his hand under the table. A minute later, his phone rings. He pulls it out glancing at the screen. His eyes look over at me as he places it to his ear uttering the words, “Hi Mom.”

  My heart beats double time, afraid that this call will make him leave me. God, I have to get this under control. He said he isn’t going to leave me. I need to believe him. I listen to his side of the conversation.