The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves

by T. Smollett

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CONTAINING THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE KNIGHTS OF THE GRIFFIN AND CRESCENT.

  Mr. Sycamore, alias the knight of the Griffin, so denominated from agriffin painted on his shield, being armed at all points, and his friendDawdle provided with a certain implement, which he flattered himselfwould ensure a victory over the novice Crowe, they set out from theGeorge, with their attendants, in all the elevation of hope, and prancedalong the highway that led towards London, that being the road which ouradventurer pursued. As they were extremely well mounted, and proceededat a round pace, they, in less than two hours, came up with Sir Launcelotand his company; and Sycamore sent another formal defiance to the knightby his trumpeter, Dawdle having, for good reasons, declined that office.

  Our adventurer hearing himself thus addressed, and seeing his rival, whohad passed him, posted to obstruct his progress, armed cap-a-pee, withhis lance in the rest, determined to give the satisfaction that wasrequired, and desired that the regulations of the combat might beestablished. The knight of the Griffin proposed, that the vanquishedparty should resign all pretensions to Miss Aurelia Darnel, in favour ofthe victor; that, while the principals were engaged, his friend Dawdleshould run a tilt with Captain Crowe; that Squire Crabshaw and Mr.Sycamore's servant should keep themselves in readiness to assist theirrespective masters occasionally, according to the law of arms; and thatMr. Clarke should observe the motions of the trumpeter, whose provincewas to sound the charge to battle.

  Our knight agreed to these regulations, notwithstanding the earnest andpathetic remonstrances of the young lawyer, who, with tears in his eyes,conjured all the combatants, in their turns, to refrain from an actionthat might be attended with bloodshed and murder; and was contrary to thelaws both of God and man. In vain he endeavoured to move them by tearsand entreaties, by threatening them with prosecutions in this world, andpains and penalties in the next. They persisted in their resolution, andhis uncle would have begun hostilities on his carcase, had he not beenprevented by Sir Launcelot, who exhorted Clarke to retire from the field,that he might not be involved in the consequences of the combat. Herelished this advice so well, that he had actually moved off to somedistance; but his apprehensions and concern for his friends co-operatingwith an insatiable curiosity, detained him in sight of the engagement.

  The two knights having fairly divided the ground, and the sameprecautions being taken by the seconds on another part of the field,Sycamore began to be invaded with some scruples, which were probablyengendered by the martial appearance and well-known character of hisantagonist. The confidence which he derived from the reluctance of SirLauncelot now vanished, because it plainly appeared, that the knight'sbackwardness was not owing to personal timidity; and he foresaw that theprosecution of this joke might be attended with very serious consequencesto his own life and reputation. He therefore desired a parley, in whichhe observed his affection for Miss Darnel was of such a delicate nature,that, should the discomfiture of his rival contribute to make herunhappy, his victory must render him the most miserable wretch uponearth. He proposed, therefore, that her sentiments and choice should beascertained before they proceeded to extremity.

  Sir Launcelot declared that he was much more afraid of combatingAurelia's inclination, than of opposing the knight of the Griffin inarms; and that if he had the least reason to think Mr. Sycamore, or anyother person, was distinguished by her preference, he would instantlygive up his suit as desperate. At the same time, he observed, thatSycamore had proceeded too far to retract; that he had insulted agentleman, and not only challenged, but even pursued him, and blocked uphis passage in the public highway; outrages which he (Sir Launcelot)would not suffer to pass unpunished. Accordingly, he insisted on thecombat, on pain of treating Sycamore as a craven, and a recreant. Thisdeclaration was reinforced by Dawdle, who told him, that, should he nowdecline the engagement, all the world would look upon him as an infamouspoltroon.

  These two observations gave a necessary fillip to the courage of thechallenger. The parties took their stations. The trumpet sounded tocharge, and the combatants began their career with great impetuosity.--Whether the gleam of Sir Launcelot's arms affrighted Mr. Sycamore'ssteed, or some other object had an unlucky effect on his eyesight,certain it is he started at about midway, and gave his rider such aviolent shake as discomposed his attitude, and disabled him from usinghis lance to the best advantage. Had our hero continued his career, withhis lance couched, in all probability Sycamore's armour would have provedbut a bad defence to his carcase; but Sir Launcelot perceiving hisrival's spear unrested, had just time to throw up the point of his own,when the two horses closed with such a shock, that Sycamore, alreadywavering in the saddle, was overthrown, and his armour crashed around himas he fell.

  The victor, seeing him lie without motion, alighted immediately and beganto unbuckle his helmet, in which office he was assisted by the trumpeter.When the headpiece was removed, the hapless knight of the Griffinappeared in the pale livery of death, though he was only in a swoon, fromwhich he soon recovered by the effect of the fresh air, and the aspersionof cold water, brought from a small pool in the neighbourhood. When herecognised his conqueror doing the offices of humanity about his person,he closed his eyes from vexation, told Sir Launcelot that his was thefortune of the day, though he himself owed his mischance to the fault ofhis own horse; and observed, that this ridiculous affair would not havehappened, but for the mischievous instigation of that scoundrel Dawdle,on whose ribs he threatened to revenge this mishap.

  Perhaps Captain Crowe might have saved him the trouble, had the waghonourably adhered to the institutions of chivalry, in his conflict withour novice. But on this occasion, his ingenuity was more commendablethan his courage. He had provided at the inn a blown bladder, in whichseveral smooth pebbles were enclosed; and this he slyly fixed on the headof his pole, when the captain obeyed the signal of battle. Instead ofbearing the brunt of the encounter, he turned out of the straight line,so as to avoid the lance of his antagonist, and rattled his bladder withsuch effect, that Crowe's horse, pricking up his ears, took to his heels,and fled across some ploughed land with such precipitation, that therider was obliged to quit his spear, and lay fast hold on the mane, thathe might not be thrown out of the saddle. Dawdle, who was much bettermounted, seeing his condition, rode up to the unfortunate novice, andbelaboured his shoulders without fear of retaliation.

  Mr. Clarke, seeing his kinsman so roughly handled, forgot his fears, andflew to his assistance; but, before he came up, the aggressor hadretired; and now perceiving that fortune had declared against his friendand patron, very honourably abandoned him in his distress, and went offat full speed for London.

  Nor was Timothy Crabshaw without his share in the noble achievements ofthis propitious day. He had by this time imbibed such a tincture oferrantry, that he firmly believed himself and his master equallyinvincible; and this belief operating upon a perverse disposition,rendered him as quarrelsome in his sphere, as his master was mild andforbearing. As he sat on horseback, in the place assigned to him andSycamore's lacquey, he managed Gilbert in such a manner, as to invadewith his heels the posteriors of the other's horse; and this insultproduced some altercation which ended in mutual assault. The footmanhandled the butt-end of his horsewhip with great dexterity about the headof Crabshaw, who declared afterwards, that it sung and simmered like akettle of cod-fish; but the squire, who understood the nature of longlashes, as having been a carter from his infancy, found means to twinehis thong about the neck of his antagonist, and pull him off his horsehalf strangled, at the very instant his master was thrown by SirLauncelot Greaves.

  Having thus obtained the victory, he did not much regard the punctiliosof chivalry; but, taking it for granted he had a right to make the mostof his advantage, resolved to carry off the spolia opima. Alighting withgreat agility, "Brother," cried he, "I think as haw yawrs bean't abutcher's horse, a doan't carry calves well--I'se make yaw knaw yourchurning days, I wool--what
, yaw look as if yaw was crow-trodden, you do--now, you shall pay the score you have been running on my pate, youshall, brother."

  So saying, he rifled his pockets, stripped him of his hat and coat, andtook possession of his master's portmanteau. But he did not long enjoyhis plunder. For the lacquey complaining to Sir Launcelot of his havingbeen despoiled, the knight commanded his squire to refund, not withoutmenaces of subjecting him to the severest chastisement for his injusticeand rapacity. Timothy represented, with great vehemence, that he had wonthe spoils in fair battle, at the expense of his head and shoulders,which he immediately uncovered, to prove his allegation. But hisremonstrance having no effect upon his master, "Wounds!" cried he, "an Imun gee thee back the pig, I'se gee thee back the poke also; I'm adrubbing still in thy debt."

  With these words, he made a most furious attack upon the plaintiff withhis horsewhip, and, before the knight could interpose, repaid the lacqueywith interest. As an appurtenance to Sycamore and Dawdle, he ran therisk of another assault from the novice Crowe, who was so transportedwith rage at the disagreeable trick which had been played upon him by hisfugitive antagonist, that he could not for some time pronounce anarticulate sound, but a few broken interjections, the meaning of whichcould not be ascertained. Snatching up his pole, he ran towards theplace where Mr. Sycamore sat on the grass, supported by the trumpeter,and would have finished what our adventurer had left undone, if theknight of the Crescent, with admirable dexterity, had not warded off theblow which he aimed at the knight of the Griffin, and signified hisdispleasure in a resolute tone. Then he collared the lacquey, who wasjust disengaged from the chastising hand of Crabshaw, and swinging hislance with his other hand, encountered the squire's ribs by accident.

  Timothy was not slow in returning the salutation with the weapon which hestill wielded. Mr. Clarke running up to the assistance of his uncle, wasopposed by the lacquey, who seemed extremely desirous of seeing the enemyrevenge his quarrel, by falling foul of one another. Clarke, thusimpeded, commenced hostilities against the footman, while Crowe grappledwith Crabshaw; a battle-royal ensued, and was maintained with greatvigour, and some bloodshed on all sides, until the authority of SirLauncelot, reinforced by some weighty remonstrances applied to thesquire, put an end to the conflict. Crabshaw immediately desisted, andran roaring to communicate his grievances to Gilbert, who seemed tosympathise very little with his distress. The lacquey took to his heels;Mr. Clarke wiped his bloody nose, declaring he had a good mind to put theaggressor in the Crown-office; and Captain Crowe continued to ejaculateunconnected oaths; which, however, seemed to imply that he was almostsick of his new profession. "D--n my eyes, if you call this--start mytimbers, brother--look ye, d'ye see--a lousy, lubberly, cowardly son ofa--among the breakers, d'ye see--lost my steerage way--split my binnacle;bawl away--O! d--n all arrantry--give me a tight vessel, d'ye see,brother--mayhap you may n't--snatch my--sea-room and a spanking gale--odds heart, I'll hold a whole year's--smite my limbs; it don't signifytalking."

  Our hero consoled the novice for his disaster, by observing that if hehad got some blows he had lost no honour. At the same time he observed,that it was very difficult, if not impossible, for a man to succeed inthe paths of chivalry, who had passed the better part of his days inother occupations, and hinted that, as the cause which had engaged him inthis way of life no longer existed, he was determined to relinquish aprofession which, in a peculiar manner, exposed him to the mostdisagreeable incidents. Crowe chewed the cud upon this insinuation,while the other personages of the drama were employed in catching thehorses, which had given their riders the slip. As for Mr. Sycamore, hewas so bruised by his fall, that it was necessary to procure a litter forconveying him to the next town, and the servant was despatched for thisconvenience, Sir Launcelot staying with him until it arrived.

  When he was safely deposited in the carriage, our hero took leave of himin these terms: "I shall not insist upon your submitting to the terms youyourself proposed before this rencontre. I give you free leave to useall your advantages, in an honourable way, for promoting your suit withthe young lady of whom you profess yourself enamoured. Should you haverecourse to sinister practices, you will find Sir Launcelot Greaves readyto demand an account of your conduct, not in the character of a lunaticknight-errant, but as a plain English gentleman, jealous of his honour,and resolute in his purpose."

  To this address Mr. Sycamore made no reply, but with a sullen aspectordered the carriage to proceed; and it moved accordingly to the right,our hero's road to London lying in the other direction.

  Sir Launcelot had already exchanged his armour for a riding-coat, hat,and boots; and Crowe, parting with his skull-cap and leathern jerkin,regained, in some respects, the appearance of a human creature. Thusmetamorphosed, they pursued their way in an easy pace, Mr. Clarkeendeavouring to amuse them with a learned dissertation on the law,tending to demonstrate that Mr. Sycamore was, by his behaviour on thatday, liable to three different actions, besides a commission of lunacy;and that Dawdle might be prosecuted for having practised subtle craft tothe annoyance of his uncle, over and above an action for assault andbattery; because, for why? The said Crowe having run away, as might beeasily proved, before any blows were given, the said Dawdle, by pursuinghim even out of the highroad, putting him in fear, and committing batteryon his body, became to all intents and purposes the aggressor; and anindictment would lie in Banco Regis.

  The captain's pride was so shocked at these observations, that heexclaimed with equal rage and impatience, "You lie, you dog, in BilcumRegis--you lie, I say, you lubber, I did not run away; nor was I in fear,d'ye see. It was my son of a bitch of a horse that would not obey thehelm, d'ye see, whereby I cou'd n't use my metal, d'ye see. As for thematter of fear, you and fear may kiss my--So don't go and heave yourstink-pots at my character, d'ye see, or--agad I'll trim thee fore andaft with a--I wool." Tom protested he meant nothing but a littlespeculation, and Crowe was appeased.

  In the evening they reached the town of Bugden without any fartheradventure, and passed the night in great tranquillity.

  Next morning, even after the horses were ordered to be saddled, Mr.Clarke, without ceremony, entered the apartment of Sir Launcelot, leadingin a female, who proved to be the identical Mrs. Dolly Cowslip. Thisyoung woman, advancing to the knight, cried, "O Sir Launcelot! my dearleady, my dear leady!"--but was hindered from proceeding by a flood oftears, which the tender-hearted lawyer mingled with a plentiful shower ofsympathy.

  Our adventurer starting at this exclamation, "O heavens!" cried he,"where is my Aurelia? speak, where did you leave that jewel of my soul?answer me in a moment--I am all terror and impatience!"

  Dolly, having recollected herself, told him that Mr. Darnel had lodgedhis niece in the new buildings by May Fair; that, on the second nightafter their arrival, a very warm expostulation had passed between Aureliaand her uncle, who next morning dismissed Dolly, without permitting herto take leave of her mistress, and that same day moved to another part ofthe town, as she afterwards learned of the landlady, though she could notinform her whither they were gone. That, when she was turned away, JohnClump, one of the footmen, who pretended to have a kindness for her, hadfaithfully promised to call upon her, and let her know what passed in thefamily; but as he did not keep his word, and she was an utter stranger inLondon, without friends or settlement, she had resolved to return to hermother, and travelled so far on foot since yesterday morning.

  Our knight, who had expected the most dismal tidings from her lamentablepreamble, was pleased to find his presaging fears disappointed; though hewas far from being satisfied with the dismission of Dolly, from whoseattachment to his interest, joined to her influence over Mr. Clump, hehad hoped to reap such intelligence as would guide him to the haven ofhis desires. After a minute's reflection, he saw it would be expedientto carry back Mrs. Cowslip, and lodge her at the place where Mr. Clumphad promised to visit her with intelligence; for, in all probability, itwas not for want of inclination that he had n
ot kept his promise.

  Dolly did not express any aversion to the scheme of returning to London,where she hoped once more to rejoin her dear lady, to whom by this timeshe was attached by the strongest ties of affection; and her inclinationin this respect was assisted by the consideration of having the companyof the young lawyer, who, it plainly appeared, had made strange havoc inher heart, though it must be owned, for the honour of this bloomingdamsel, that her thoughts had never once deviated from the paths ofinnocence and virtue. The more Sir Launcelot surveyed this agreeablemaiden, the more he felt himself disposed to take care of her fortune;and from this day he began to ruminate on a scheme which was afterwardsconsummated in her favour. In the meantime he laid injunctions on Mr.Clarke to conduct his addresses to Mrs. Cowslip according to the rules ofhonour and decorum, as he valued his countenance and friendship. Hisnext step was to procure a saddle-horse for Dolly, who preferred this toany other sort of carriage, and thereby gratified the wish of heradmirer, who longed to see her on horseback in her green joseph.

  The armour, including the accoutrements of the novice and the squire,were left in the care of the inn-keeper, and Timothy Crabshaw was sometamorphosed by a plain livery-frock, that even Gilbert with difficultyrecognised his person. As for the novice Crowe, his head had almostresumed its natural dimensions, but then his whole face was so coveredwith a livid suffusion, his nose appeared so flat, and his lips sotumefied, that he might very well have passed for a Caffre or Ethiopian.Every circumstance being now adjusted, they departed from Bugden in aregular cavalcade, dined at Hatfield, and in the evening arrived at theBull and Gate Inn in Holborn, where they established their quarters forthe night.