Always on My Mind (The Dawson Brothers, #1)

by Jessica Mills

  “I don’t know where to start,” I said, slouching over the table and resting on my elbows.

  Jenn ran her hand through her long, black hair. The tips looked to have been dipped in hot pink paint, but it was just her color of the month. I wished I could do that edgy look, but I hadn’t been brave enough to dye my hair since high school, and that was one memory I tried to forget since. “You can start by telling me how you went to Texas and ended up spending so much time in Oklahoma on your way back home.”

  “I just needed to drive, I guess. To get lost. Get away from everything. I know it sounds crazy.”

  “It sounds dangerous and irresponsible,” she said. “Now tell me more. Who’s this David you mentioned. Your message was a bit frantic, and I’m hoping I don’t have to go all the way to Oklahoma to kick his ass.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you.” I waved the waitress over. Caffeine was a must, especially if I was going down this dark road of recollection.

  “What can I get you, hun?” The waitress flashed a crooked toothy grin and poised her pen against her pad.

  “Coffee, thanks.” As she walked away I took a deep breath and stared into Jenn’s eyes as my own began to water. Before she could do more than take my hand I went into my recap of the days before. How I’d left Texas and got lost on my way home. By the time I got to the part about pulling into Kinsey’s, my coffee had arrived. I sipped the bitter black swill and winced while reaching for the sugar.

  “So what was this Kinsey’s like?” she prodded.

  “Just your average hole in the wall; a dive bar. The hotel next door is more of a motel, but, I guess the small towners don’t know the damned difference. The owner is a real piece of work. Kept hitting on me from the moment I sat at the bar.”

  “Was he hot?” She grinned wide like that cat from Wonderland and then giggled as I frowned.

  “He most certainly was not, and he stank like cheap aftershave and stale sweat.” We shared a shiver at the thought and then I continued. “Suddenly they introduced this singer—”

  “Was he hot?” asked Jenn leaning in closer.

  “Oh yeah, he was smoldering. And could he sing? Oh, girl.” I fanned myself remembering his mouth on me and I crossed my legs, pinching my knees tight.

  “So you want to be his agent, right?” She squeezed my hand.

  I pulled it away and waved it dismissively. “I screwed everything up.” My heart sank as I continued. “I slept with him.”

  Her eyes widened and she sat back in her seat as if putting distance between us would give her a better grasp on what I’d just said. “What! Girl!” She looked at me like I’d just lost my mind, but in true Jenn fashion she leaned in and grinned. “Was he good?”

  “Yeah, he was amazing, and like a big fool I fell hard and fast.”

  “So, how does he feel?”

  “He’s in love.” I glanced up to the ceiling as if it suddenly interested me.

  “So what’s wrong with that?” Jenn huffed, then she took a big sip of her coffee.

  “He’s in love with his fiancée.” My eyes met hers as she gulped and her face twisted. I knew it wasn’t from the bitter coffee.

  “Oh shit, Sarah.” She shook her head and stared. I didn’t feel like she was judging me, I knew her better than that, but it still stung to have to admit it.

  “Yeah. Shit.”

  “Well, look, we’ve all had one-night stands. It happens.” She shrugged and waved it off casually.

  “It wasn’t just once. It wasn’t like that. I mean, it didn’t feel like that. I thought he was opening up to me and that he cared for me. He even punched that smelly guy for me.”

  “Was that before or after you gave him the goods?”

  “After, why?” I shook my head and she shrugged as if she had no good reason for asking.

  “Still, he’s a liar and a cheat. It’s not your fault.”

  “His mother and fiancée seemed to think it was when they were chewing my ass out.”

  Her cup clanked against the saucer and she choked down another sip. “His mother and the fiancée caught you hooking up?”

  “Well, no. He brought me home and after we made love in his barn he told me to go up to his room and shower and take a nap. When I got done, his mother had called his girlfriend over to their house to put me in my place.”

  She gave me another strange look. “He lives with his mother?”

  “They all live on a ranch. A huge one. He’s got three brothers and they all still live at home and work the ranch. It’s like a way of life for those people.”

  Jenn nodded that she understood, but then paused and shook her head. “Something isn’t adding up. If he was cheating on his girl, why would he bring you home and around his family? That’s a little bold, if you ask me.”

  I hadn’t understood that part either, but it didn’t matter. He was a son-of-a-bitch and a cheat and he obviously didn’t care about anyone but himself. “Who knows? I got the hell out of there. I didn’t even leave my number. I did leave my makeup bag though, so I get to replace all of that. My best damned lipstick was in that bag.”

  She placed her hand over her heart. “Not the coral cocoa.”

  I nodded and let out a long breath. “I am so messed up inside. I need to get my head on straight and focus on work, but I just feel so terrible. I feel foolish. I thought he was the one. Not just the one for me, but the talent I needed as well. I’m not sure I can take many more hits to my battered career.”

  She met my eyes. “Look, you need to just think of it as a getaway. You went on an adventure, had some hot sex and a little fun. You’re better off without that lying cowboy.”

  I played with the spoon in my lukewarm coffee. “He taught me how to ride a horse.”

  “Oh, I bet he did,” she said. As our eyes met and my reddened cheeks gave me away, we shared a laugh.

  Despite my time with Jenn, my heart still stung. I decided I couldn’t face my boss just yet, and called in. After stopping by the drugstore and replacing all of my makeup, except for the coral cocoa lipstick, I went home to spend the rest of the day wishing I had kept things professional.

  Chapter 9

  David

  Ranching is a never-ending job and my father was a pro at making more work for me and my brothers. I’d done rubbed him the wrong way by sleeping in till five a.m. and I’d decided to try my damnedest to be out of his sight for most of the day. He made it easier by heading across town after giving me my orders.

  I put on my gloves and headed out to find my brothers waiting on me in the supply shed. Round pens don’t build themselves, especially when your father won’t hire outsiders to do what his boys can. Mason and Luke both turned away from me and made busy with the lumber we’d had delivered a week ago, but Ted met me with a hard stare.

  “Bout damned time you showed up. Late night?” he said.

  I ignored him and started hauling boards to the lowboy. He knew damned well it had been a late night at Kinsey’s and I couldn’t do a single set without him making an issue of it the next day. I’d shot myself in the ass by sleeping in, but Ted didn’t have to be a dick about it. He knew I was raw with what happened the day before, and that was the only reason it had happened. I’d never been late before and was usually the first one up and out to work. It wasn’t like I’d gotten a good night’s sleep. Sarah had been on my mind all night.

  I still couldn’t believe she’d left. All she had to do was come get me out in the barn and I would’ve set things straight. My mama had pulled some stunts in my lifetime, but this was a doozy. Inviting Ella? What was she thinking? Though I guess I could blame myself for never explaining what had happened with Ted.

  Ted had mumbled a few more words at me before getting to work, but I didn’t hear him. I’d been trying to tune him out and forget he was my brother for most of his life. You’d think he was the oldest with his ability to torment his siblings, but that was my birthright. Sure, I’d done my fair share of picking on the others, w
e all had. Brotherly ribbing was natural, it strengthened our bonds, but Ted had overstepped his boundaries and broken those sacred bonds when he’d slept with Ella. The thought of the two together had once turned my stomach, but now I know they were made for each other. We hadn’t been right since and probably never would be.

  Mason loaded the last few boards and we drove out to the patch of dirt we’d designated for the round pen. Ted and Luke stayed behind to gather the rest of our supplies and joined us minutes later on the side-by-side.

  “Let’s see if we can have this done before Mama rings the lunch bell,” I said, tossing the first posts to the ground. We’d built fences all our lives and this round pen would go quickly if everyone kept it steady.

  Mason unloaded the tools and Luke grabbed the post-hole diggers, while Ted and I dropped the posts along the circumference we’d marked the day before. We started setting the posts and made good time, measuring and digging.

  About two hours into our work, Ted closed his measuring tape and released a long sigh. “Who forgot to mark the post settings?”

  “No one forgot, it’s just as easy to mark those as we go.” I tried to keep working, but he kept on.

  “No, it would have been easier to just mark the damned settings yesterday. If your mind wasn’t on your music and that Tennessee pussy, you’d have gotten your work done.”

  My temper flared and I found myself in his face with my nose so close to his, you’d think we were about to kiss. “I didn’t mark them on purpose.”

  Ted stepped away. “Should have known you’d let her get in your head. Just like the last one. We saw how devoted she was, didn’t we?” He laughed, taunting me.

  He’d never bragged about his romp with Ella much, but he knew I was still bitter and liked to bring it up now and then just so I wouldn’t forget. It’s like he wanted me to hate him.

  “Get to work, fellas. Lunch bell will be ringing before we know it,” Luke said.

  Ted narrowed his eyes at Luke and then turned back to me for one last jab. “Yeah, no need to bring up the past. I mean, I did do him a favor. Maybe if that little agent pops back into town, I’ll show her who has the better talent in the family.”

  Mason stepped over and put his hand on my chest, knowing I was about to wail on our brother. Ted laughed and threw out his hands as if challenging me. I stepped forward and took a swing, but Mason grabbed my waist from behind and wrestled me back before I made contact.

  “Easy, big brother. I did you a favor. Ella was a lousy lay. Never shut up the entire time. I honestly don’t know how you could stand her.”

  “Man, shut the hell up,” said Luke. He and Mason were doing their best to diffuse the situation, but I only relaxed enough for Mason to loosen his hold on me and then I charged for Ted, knocking him face first to the ground. That smirk he’d been flashing was full of dirt and he spat on the ground at my feet once he’d regained his composure.

  “Sucker punched like a pussy,” he said, spitting another taste of sand.

  I didn’t mind him rattling on about Ella. Those wounds were long healed and though it still pissed me off for my own brother to betray me, the idea that he’d go after Sarah had my blood boiling. “I’ll show you pussy.” I swung again and this time Luke pulled me off as Mason and Ted stormed away toward the house.

  “Don’t let him get to you,” Luke said, taking up the post diggers where Mason had left off. He pushed the ends into the ground and then cut me a look. “That woman really got to you, didn’t she?”

  “Yeah, she did. I’ve never had anyone so interested in me. Not just me, but my singing too. I kind of liked the idea of it going further, with her and the music. I really, for a minute there, thought I might get the hell out of here and away from this ranch and all that comes with it.”

  “You hate it that much?” Luke gave me a quizzical glance and kept digging and the hole was almost ready for me to set the post.

  “It’s not that I hate it, Luke. Don’t think I hate any of it. I just didn’t want my life to be here. Don’t you ever think about getting out of here?” Of course he didn’t. When he looked up at me with that sandy hair, much lighter than the rest of ours, and those big hazel eyes that matched Teds, only with less contempt, I knew he would always stay right here on this ranch and work for the rest of his life. Just barely out of school, he didn’t know any better. He should be in college, partying his ass off and going through more women than Ted, but he wasn’t as hard. Maybe that’s why we’d always been the closest despite our age difference.

  Luke shrugged. “I don’t think it’s so bad. Maybe you just need a break. I mean, not a permanent one, we need you here too bad. Have you thought about going after her?” My brother set the diggers down and I set the pole as he filled the hole he’d just dug.

  “No, I don’t know where to start. She didn’t leave me a number or anything. I think I need to just give it a rest. Not really get away from here, but get away from myself and my dreams, refocus myself on the ranch and my job here. Once I’ve good and forgotten her, maybe I’ll try again.”

  I looked up to see Mason and Ted coming back out to join us. Ted didn’t speak to me the rest of the morning, and with the delay it wasn’t until after lunch that we finished screwing the last board in place.

  After cleaning up our mess, we put the tools away. I wiped my brow on my sleeve and then dusted off my pants and headed toward the house.

  *

  After a nice long shower, I stepped out of my steamy bathroom and sat on the bed. The damp towel around my waist loosened as I sat. I opened my nightstand drawer where I’d put Sarah’s little makeup bag. Her scent wafted from the bag and I breathed it in as my heart sank. I wondered if she’d come back for it. Women loved their girly stuff and especially makeup, or at least Ella always had. I unzipped the silky purple bag and peeked inside. I took out the small pink tube of lipstick. The little thing was so tiny in my hands and that reminded me of Sarah and how tiny she was. I loved the feel of her tucked up against me, she fit so perfectly. I opened the tube and peeked in at the shade. Those lips of hers had been beautiful in it, and even sexier when I’d kissed it off.

  Curiously, I twisted the tube and ran the color across my fingertip, then I closed my eyes and brought my fingers to my lips. I could smell her there and taste her again too, if I thought hard about it. I pulled my hand away and opened my eyes knowing I had to look as pathetic as I felt. I rubbed the lipstick on my towel and then tucked the lipstick and the bag back into the drawer.

  I leaned over and grabbed my guitar. The thing had always been another extension of me. I adored it like a familiar friend and I’d let it be my escape for so long and I knew what I had to do. If I was going to get over her, and focus on my duties, I had to give it up; at least for a while. I laid it on my bed and crossed the room to my closet where I shrugged into some jeans and a soft cotton t-shirt. I pulled on my boots and raked my hands through my hair and checked myself in the mirror over my dresser. Finally, releasing a long breath, I grabbed my guitar and took it to the attic. Leaving the old friend behind was tough, but it had to be done. But I wasn’t done yet.

  I drove out to Kinsey’s and went inside. I gave Lucy a half smile and ordered myself a beer. All I wanted was a drink to drown my sorrows in and a little time to work up the courage for my next move, but dammit all to hell, Norm came over to the bar and sat next to me.

  “So, guess you got all territorial for nothing. Don’t worry, apology accepted.” Norm’s sarcasm wasn’t lost on me, and neither was his attempt to get a rise. I just wasn’t in the mood and neither were my knuckles after their earlier encounter with Ted.

  I cut my glance his way and took a swig of beer before responding. “Fuck off, Norm.”

  “Fuck off? That’s how you want it, huh? Gonna let some city snatch come between old friends. I guess I don’t blame you. She was a little firecracker.”

  I thought of Norm getting close to her and gritted my teeth and my grip on my beer. He’d been
handsy with her and made her uncomfortable. I’d wanted her to stay with me. Maybe if he hadn’t been such an ass that I had to bring her home, Mama wouldn’t have taken such drastic measures and called Ella. She’d be here with me right now and not in Tennessee.

  “I bet she was a firecracker in bed too,” said Norm. He let out a cackle that could have shaken the roof if the jukebox wasn’t already.

  I looked over to see his stupid grin and all the sound in the room ceased as my adrenaline flowed through me, blurring out not only the sound in the room, but everything else but his stupid laughing face. Before I knew it, my fist connected with his face and Norm fell ass up off the barstool and landed on his upper back, folding like a taco on Tuesday.

  Lucy and Kinsey rushed over as I casually sipped at my beer. They helped him to his feet, dusted him off and Lucy took him to the other end of the bar to keep a safe distance. Kinsey bellied up beside me.

  “Sorry about that, Kinsey. I didn’t mean to make a scene.”

  Kinsey let out a chuckle. “Don’t fret it, it’s the most action we’ve seen in a while.”

  “Look, I’m quitting music for a while so I won’t be singing here anymore. At least until I can get my head on straight and maybe not even then.” It hurt like hell to say it, but I had to get it off my chest.

  Kinsey released a long breath and rubbed his chin. “I understand, Davey. Anytime you want to come back to it, you just let me know. There’s always a place for you here. Take some time off and go back to it. Maybe another one of them agents will come and hear you. You should be singing in much bigger places than this one.”

  “I appreciate it, but I don’t think I’ll have time for it. I’m going to concentrate on running the ranch and learning a little bit more from my father while I can. He’s not getting any younger and he’s always telling me I’ll have to step up when he’s gone. There won’t be any other agents and no place bigger than the ranch for me.”