Forever Breathing (Just Breathe #3)

by Heather Allen

  He breaks our connection and lifts my chin up so my eyes meet his and tells me softly, “Hey, what are you doing here? It’s still the middle of the night. You should be sleeping.”

  I mumble, “I couldn’t sleep and I want to be here. I need to be a part of this.”

  He shakes his head and smiles, “Have I ever told you how stubborn you are?”

  I smile easily remembering this claim from him many times before and follow him into the room. He gestures for me to sit at the table laden with layers of maps. I glance across the table as I settle in and meet Jaspen’s yellow stare. He smirks and looks back down at the maps in front of him. Jack slides into the seat next to me and grabs my hand.

  Jaspen clears his throat and asks while still staring down, “So, Ever, my granddaughter, what is it that you think you can contribute to this discussion?”

  His use of granddaughter takes me by surprise and my confidence falters. I have to get this under control if I’m going to be any help at all. To reassure me, Jack squeezes my hand. I look up and gaze across the table. Jaspen is still either ignoring me or waiting for a response, so I clear my throat. Jaspen ignores me. I look over at Jack and he nods, somehow knowing my intentions. I place my hand in the middle of the map Jaspen is reading and clear my throat once again.

  This time he l chisp Jooks up amused and waits.

  I stutter, “I…I..ah…I think…”

  I feel Jack’s squeeze again and this seems to give me strength.

  “I can help plan how we will defend the city. I think we need to go about it in a roundabout way.”

  Jaspen frowns, “What do you mean by that?”

  I look over to Jack and he nods again.

  “I think we need to fight here where we are comfortable and where we can attack with the element of surprise. I’ve been thinking about it. We don’t have the manpower they will have so we’ll have to be careful how we use what we do have.”

  My momentary confidence wavers and I’m tired all of the sudden. Obviously standing up to Jaspen is high on my list of nerve breakers.

  “Yes, Ever, Jack and I were discussing this right before you came in. We both agree that surprise is the only way we will have a chance for any kind of success.”

  He looks down and over to Jack. Jack withdraws his hand and by the sudden change in his face, I can tell he is uncomfortable or upset with something.

  Jaspen continues but my eyes don’t’ stray from Jack’s face. He won’t look at me which alarms me to what could possibly upset him so suddenly.

  “Ever, I’m so glad you came of your own accord. This would have been a lot more difficult if I were to force you. No worry though.”

  I frown at Jack through this whole speech but I can’t figure what has him so spooked.

  Force me what? I’m confused.

  Jaspen places his hand over mine. I pull my hand away quickly and stare at him accusingly. Somehow I missed something.

  Jaspen laughs his little sinister laugh and explains, “You are our element of surprise, Ever. We need you to go to the city near Peru and…how do you put it on land? Oh yes, become a spy. They won’t suspect a thing because of your, ah, past with Alex.”

  My heart stops and I look at Jack, panicked. He doesn’t look my way. Instead he lowers his head, resting it in his hands. Suddenly I have the feeling that things are about to get really bad.

  I was doing such a great job but that did it. The tingle rises in me and I’m at once happy for it. I look over at Jack again but it’s as if he’s in a trance. It overtakes me and sadness for Jack consumes me right before the darkness.

  Chapter 11

  Ever

  “Ever, Ever, wake up.”

  I hear Jacks voice. It sounds distant but then it gets closer. I realize I’ve been sleeping and I panic thinking I called out in my sleep again. But then I think about the last thing I remember. No, I fainted again. Oh Ever, you gotta stop this. I remember why I fainted and stop chastising myself.

  I open my eyes slowly and see troubled green staring back at me. Of course, he’s troubled. Jaspen is asking him to feed me to the wolves, so to speak. He caresses my cheek and smiles slowly. It doesn’t reach his eyes. What have I done to you?

  I sit up carefully and glance around. We’re in the blue room back in Amber’s dwelling. This helps to calm me. Some sort of semblance before everything is turned inside out literally.

  Staring at him solidifies what I’ve done to him all the way around and how everything is falling apart around us, once again. That annoying thing, guilt, has reared its ugly head once again.

  He breaks the silence that seems to spread, distancing us from each other. “Are you feeling alright?”

  “Yeah, I am.” I try to lighten the mood, “I really thought I was past this fainting business.”

  My tactic doesn’t work. His eyes are fierce and angry.

  “Ever, I’m so sorry. I told him no. He can’t expect you to do that after all you’ve been through.”

  He softens and quietly adds, “And if you go, then I can’t protect you.”

  He sinks into the bunk and gathers me in his arms. I rest my head on his chest and savor the rise and fall of his breathing.

  You know when you struggle with choices and decisions and you waver back and forth forever never knowing what the wisest choice is? Then one day you wake up, it’s as if the answer was there all along and all you had to do was grasp it. This happens to me as I relax into my rock, my one constant. We are so good together and because of that fact I know what I have to do. I’m terrified and sad but more importantly I know that it’s the right decision for Jack. I owe him so much. He has saved me in every way possible. It’s my turn to save him.

  I glance up at him and smile softly as our eyes lock. Blue seeps through his eyes matching the water around us. He lowers his head so our lips barely graze one another. So much feeling in such a slight touch. I linger, feeling every part of my body that is touching him. Finally, I pull away and try to shake off the fact that I want to curl up in his arms and forget about the crumbling world around us. I pull back ever further and look away.

  His hand comes up under my chin and forces me to look at him.

  “Hey, what was that?”

  My gaze wavers and so does my courage. This is going to be so much harder than I thought.

  I shake my head deciding now isn’t the moment, “Nothing.”

  I curl back up against him and l knstw isisten to his heart beat once again. The constant thumping that is my life line now. I smile thinking that my best friend Gabbi would so disapprove of this. She would ask, “What ever happened to women’s liberation? Why can’t I live without a man?” I miss her so much. Times like this make me want to go back and bounce my thoughts around with her. She would help me decide if I’m doing the right thing or not.

  Jack slowly leans back into the bunk and I find a cozy spot in the crook of his arm. I am so going to miss this.

  Chapter 12

  James

  I wake up thinking about the unexpected visit from Sara yesterday. Once I gave in and wrapped my arms around her, I knew I was a goner. Today though, I have a clearer head without her presence and I’m feeling okay about it. Yes, if Ever knew she came to visit, I’d get hell. But this is my life and I have some big decisions to make.

  Sara asked me to come back to the sea with her. I know I’m a nut case if I go so I probably deserve anything she has to dish out. I fell asleep with a bit of clarity shining through in the whole mess I’ve made. I can actually help Ever if I do go. I can actually play the Sara card so to speak. It will be hard and just judging from yesterday, I’d easily fall under her spell but it will be worth it if I can help Ever out and Jack.

  I hear a slight knock on my bedroom door.

  “Come in.”

  My mom peeks her head through as the door swings open, “Hey, you awake?”

  I nod, “Yep, what’s up?”

  She frowns and comes into the room, stopping a few
feet from my bed. The look on her face is one I know so well. One of her troubled, heartfelt talks is coming. I push myself up to a sitting position leaning back against my headboard. I grab a pillow and squeeze it under my arm, bracing for the guilt that is coming or the tears.

  “James, I was just wondering, we haven’t heard from Ever in a while. How did she seem before you left Gam-aw’s?”

  Oh, so that’s what this is about. Ever isn’t keeping a very good façade for the parents. And once again I’m here to smooth it all over.

  I tell her soothingly, “Mom, don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll call soon. She was really busy when I left.”

  Her frown smoothes a little and she seems sad.

  I add, “I know she misses you. She’s just taking a class and working, so she is tired when she gets back to Gam-aws.” I kick myself, Damn James, you’re giving out too much info, sounding like a girl.

  This seems to do it though.

  “Maybe I’ll call her tonight, see if I can catch her.”

  I nod, agreeing with her.

  She backs out and turns to the door but stops and turns back toward me asking, “What are your plans for today?”

  “I um… have practice with Garrett and Davis tonight but that’s about it.”

  Really now I have to let my sister know a phone call is in order. Why do I have to always do the right thing? This decides it for, me; I’m going back with Sara. This is the right thing, I know, but to everyone else it will seem wrong. I can handle that for a while.

  My mom brings me back from my thoughts, “Dad wants your help out in the yard. He’s building a raised bed for me to start a garden.”

  “Yeah, I’ll help. Tell him I’ll be down in a little bit.”

  Leave it to my mom to get my dad to build a garden in the middle of summer in the desert. I know he does it just to appease her but come on. What a waste. Nothing is going to grow.

  I sigh and get out of bed as my mom leaves. Suddenly I have a shit ton of things to do today.

  I glance at my watch as I climb back up the steps, three o’clock, after helping my dad all day. I have a little bit of time before I have to be at Garrett’s. Really, after the hard labor, all I want to do is go to bed but I steer to the shower. The water refreshes me and I decide a visit to Ever is in order.

  After getting dressed and letting my parents know I’m going to Garrett’s I head for the jeep. Hopefully Sara won’t be at the lake.

  ***

  The lake and field are empty again. I climb out and focus on Amber’s dwelling. Hopefully they are there. I really have no desire to confront Jaspen on my short visit back. As the air around me turns to cool saltwater, I shift my legs to my fin. As soon as the water hits my lungs, I take a deep breath and savor the feel of the water. I didn’t realize I missed this. It feels so good to be back in this form. If I had to describe how I feel as a mer-man, it would have to be singularly, free. No other word captures everything it gives me.

  I swim up to the dwelling in front of me and knock. I’ve decided not to tell them about my decision. It would do nothing but bring arguments and anger. Both of which my sister doesn’t need right now.

  The door swings open but no one is there. I smile, she must be home.

  “Ever, you around?”

  I see her face peek around the corner. A smile spreads and she bounds through the water knocking me back out the door to the dwelling. I laugh so hard and she giggles.

  “Sorry, James, guess I don’t know my own strength.”

  “No worries, I guess you’re happy to see me?”

  She nods and laughs, “Yep, of course I am.”

  Her eyes squint, “You said you aren’t coming back, why are you here?”

  I widen s="+ sq my eyes and point at her, “You owe mom a phone call. She came in to my room this morning about to get emotional.”

  She chuckles, “Oh boy, how’d you handle that one?”

  I fake insult, “What, you don’t think I can handle mom?”

  “Actually at this point, you’re probably better at it than I am.”

  “That’s right, I am. But that doesn’t mean I want to handle her though. Especially at the hands of whatever is going on with you.”

  She sighs, “I know James, I’m sorry. I just haven’t been able to get away to call her. This battle thing…”

  “What is going on with that? Have you and Jack discussed things with Jaspen?”

  She nods but doesn’t say anything else. I can tell she’s not telling me something.

  I probe, “What did he say?”

  “Just that we need to get ready for another battle.”

  She hesitates, “I…I’m a little scared. What if we don’t win this time?”

  If I was undecided before, the look on my sister’s face just decided it for me. She looks scared and helpless. Both of which I never want to see my sister experience again.

  I reassure her rubbing her arm, “Hey, you know it will all work out. It always does.”

  She gathers a little strength and smiles a sure smile, “I know, thanks James.”

  I smile again hoping it’s convincing and scold her, “Go call mom tonight before she calls Gam-aw and gives her hell.”

  “I will.”

  I gather her in my arms for a hug. We part and I tell her, “See you soon.”

  She smiles and pinky waves as I travel back to the lake.

  When the air changes around me, a sweet smell hits my nostrils before my eyes can focus on the beautiful person belonging to it. I knew she’d be back to get my answer. I just thought she’d give me at least a day.

  I look down at her beautiful face and lower mine. Her lips meet mine and I’m very happy with the decision that I’ve made.

  &n s sit>

  Chapter 13

  Ever

  I wake with a start, unsure where I am. Something terrible happened in my dream but I can’t seem to remember it. Heat is seeping into my right side. I try to shake the sleep from my eyes and glance over to find myself wrapped in Jack’s arms. I watch his beautiful face for a few minutes. Today is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. Unfortunately, the one thing I never wanted to do, I must do to this unbelievable person, yet again. He will be so hurt. I try to focus on something else and squirm my way out of his grasp, not wanting to wake him.

  As I swim to the door leading to the hall, I glance back and try to ingrain the sight of him so peaceful, into my brain for later.

  I swim out into the hall and realize how famished I am. Amber is sitting at the table as I enter the kitchen. She looks over and greets me, “Good morning. How did you sleep?”

  “Great! Any fruit left?”

  She holds up an apple smiling.

  I take it from her and sink into the seat across from her.

  She takes me completely by surprise, “You do know that you can’t go.”

  I look up at her as I take a bite of apple, preventing me from answering. What is she talking about?

  I frown giving her a questioning look.

  “Jack came out after you fell asleep last night and told me about Jaspen’s plan.”

  I look at her surprised but decide to stay silent or I’ll lose my resolve.

  She almost pleads with me, “He was just a shell before. You do remember your brother telling you how he could barely function, when you were apart, don’t you?”

  I just stare at her wide-eyed. This is probably not my best move but if I speak, I know my voice will betray me. I take another bite of apple and focus on the sweetness mixed with saltiness. Anything to drown out how my insides are turned inside out right now.

  She continues, “You can’t even consider it, Ever. He would be lost without you and I suspect you would be lost without him. At least you were before, I know this first hand.”

  I nod agreeing with her but I still don’t respond. I will be lost without him. But it has to be done for him.

  She falls silent staring at me, waiting.

  I look a
way and focus on the window across the room. Vibrant fish glide past oblivious to us or probably even their purpose in this grand world. Their existence is so minor yet so major. We are all here for a reason. Mine, I’m finding, is way more complicated than I could have imagined ten short months ago.

  I look back over and meet Amber’s very green eyes. She obviously knows already, or thinks she does.

  I roll my eyes at that trait, seeming to annoy me a lot lately and start out slowly, “Amber, I love your brother more than anything. v sit>>I rollYou are so right, I can’t exist without him and I know he cares very deeply for me, maybe to the same point as me.”

  I pause, choosing my words carefully.

  “He has given everything up for me, to be with me. You already know this.”

  She nods glaring at me. Oh great. This is not going to be easy.

  “For that reason I have to do this… for him. I have to do this for what he has now so that he can keep it.”

  She begins shaking her head.

  I look down and finish not able to see the horror in her face.

  “If we don’t do something, it will go back to the way it was before and we will never be allowed to be with each other.”

  I plead with her this time, “Don’t you see, it’s for him, for us.”

  When I look up she is still shaking her head. The look on her face is unbelieving.

  “I can’t believe you, I thought of you as a sister and you’re going to betray us.”

  I stare at her unable to respond to such harsh words.

  Suddenly her face changes, and a light tinge of blue creeps into her eyes.

  Then I feel strong arms wrap around me from behind and I hear his beautiful voice.

  “Hey sweetness, good morning.”

  His lips meet my neck and I lean over giving him more places to kiss, savoring this moment as a tear runs down my cheek, mixing with the saltiness of the sea.