Incognito

by Nick Payne

  Lisa-Scott Oh, okay.

  Harvey I, uh, I kinda went through – I’m kinda recently separated, uh, divorced. I’m kinda recently divorced.

  Lisa-Scott I’m sorry to hear that, Thom.

  Harvey Thank you, ’preciate that.

  Lisa-Scott If it helps, I’m in exactly the same boat.

  Harvey What? No. You gotta be … kidding me, right?

  Lisa-Scott ’Fraid not, Thom.

  Harvey You mind if I ask your age?

  Lisa-Scott Top secret information I’m afraid, Thom.

  Harvey No, I get that. That was rude.

  Lisa-Scott I’m yanking ya chain, Thom, relax.

  Harvey Got it.

  Lisa-Scott So what can I get for you, Thom?

  Harvey Lisa-Scott, I would love a short stack o’ pancakes with a side o’ bacon.

  Lisa-Scott Bad news I’m afraid, Thom; we finished servin’ breakfast ’bout an hour ago.

  Harvey You make an exception for a local boy?

  Lisa-Scott ’Fraid not.

  Harvey What time is it?

  Lisa-Scott It’s a quarter after three.

  Harvey What?

  Lisa-Scott A quarter after three.

  Harvey My watch has stopped.

  Lisa-Scott Guess that explains it.

  Harvey Dammit.

  Lisa-Scott Interest you in a cheeseburger, Thom?

  Harvey Sure, maybe.

  Lisa-Scott Whaddaya say?

  Harvey Sure.

  Lisa-Scott You want fries?

  Harvey You bet.

  Lisa-Scott Any sides with that?

  Harvey Kinda sides you got?

  Lisa-Scott We got every kinda side.

  Harvey Oh yeah?

  Lisa-Scott Coleslaw, potato salad, whipped potatoes, baked potato, homemade potato chips, cottage fries, fried okra, fried cornmeal mush, fried apples, apple sauce, soup o’ the day, fried cheese sticks, onion rings … you name it.

  Harvey Wow. Well. May I please have a side of cottage fries … and a side of fried cornmeal mush?

  Lisa-Scott Coming right up.

  Harvey Actually, sorry, you know what? I might see if I can find somewhere else open that’s still serving pancakes.

  Lisa-Scott Thom, ya breaking my heart right now.

  Harvey I didn’t mean to cause any offence –

  Lisa-Scott Tell you what? You wait around maybe an hour or so, and I’ll be done.

  Harvey Oh, okay.

  Lisa-Scott And if you wanna come back to my place, I’ll make you a short stack myself.

  Harvey Is this – Are you – Is my chain being – Earlier on –

  Lisa-Scott No yanking involved whatsoever this time. Cross my heart.

  Harvey Okay, well, wow. Sold.

  Margaret Hello Henry.

  Henry Hello my love.

  Margaret Hello.

  Henry It’s good to see you.

  Margaret You too.

  Henry I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather.

  Margaret In what way?

  Henry I’m not sure, tell you the truth.

  Margaret How have you been sleeping?

  Henry Not too bad.

  Margaret What about last night?

  Henry Tell you the truth, I didn’t stay awake to find out.

  Margaret (smiles, then) Henry?

  Henry Yes, my love.

  Margaret I need you to really listen to me. I … I have to go away for a day or two. Perhaps longer.

  Henry Can I come with you?

  Margaret Not this time.

  Henry That’s a shame.

  Margaret It won’t be very long.

  Henry I understand.

  Margaret I’m going to leave you with a book of crossword puzzles.

  Henry That’s very kind of you.

  Margaret When I see you again, you can read me the answers.

  Henry Are you sure you don’t need me to come with you?

  Margaret I’m sure. (Beat.) Henry?

  Henry Hello my love.

  Margaret Hello Henry.

  Henry Where have you been?

  Margaret Henry, I need you to really listen to me. I have to go away. For a day or two. Perhaps longer.

  Henry Can I come with you?

  Margaret Not this time.

  Henry That’s a shame.

  Margaret I’m going to leave you with a book of crossword puzzles.

  Henry That’s very kind of you.

  Margaret When I see you again, you can read me the answers.

  Henry Are you sure you don’t need me to come with you?

  Margaret I’m sure. (Beat.) Henry?

  Henry Yes, my love.

  Margaret I love you.

  Henry I know.

  Margaret Good. (Kisses Henry, then:) Goodbye, Henry.

  Martha (a little drunk) Her name’s Patricia.

  Ben How’d you meet?

  Martha You’re not allowed to laugh at me. Guardian Soulmates.

  Ben That’s great.

  Martha You’re not gonna call me a loser?

  Ben I’m not gonna call you a loser, no, because it’s not the eighties and people don’t use that word any more.

  Martha Don’t be ironic. It isn’t clever or interesting.

  Ben Nor is turning up drunk at –

  Martha I am not drunk.

  Ben Aren’t you?

  Martha I am not drunk.

  Ben Fine. What d’you want?

  Martha I thought we ought to catch up.

  Ben What?

  Martha How are you, Ben? Thank you for the CD; I enjoyed it very much.

  Ben I’m gonna be doing a couple of gigs, actually

  Martha When?

  Ben Couple of weeks’ time.

  Martha Why didn’t you tell me?

  Ben I only just found out.

  Martha You need to keep me better informed.

  Ben Mum, I only just found out.

  Martha Where?

  Ben Borderline, Union Chapel, couple of others.

  Martha I don’t know those places but I feel confident that both they and you will be brilliant.

  Ben Thanks.

  Martha Will you email me the dates?

  Ben I will.

  Martha How’s Claire?

  Ben She’s good.

  Martha Good, is that all I get?

  Ben Mum, what’re you doing here?

  Martha What?

  Ben What d’you want? It’s late.

  Martha Tough.

  Ben What?

  Martha Tough shit. How – Do you have any idea how many times – Well, you know what, it’s about time we turn the tables, my friend –

  Ben I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  Martha When you used to pitch up at the house, middle of the morning, wailing about some girl or some something-or-other, I never – Can you imagine –

  Ben I was –

  Martha ’Magine if I’d turned you away –

  Ben I was a –

  Martha I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry.

  Ben What does she do?

  Martha Who?

  Ben I’ve forgotten her name already, sorry?

  Martha Patricia. Solicitor. Was.

  Ben How many dates’ve you been on?

  Martha Two. Three.

  Ben You really like her?

  Martha nods.

  (Beat.) Do you want something to eat?

  Martha What’ve you got?

  Ben What d’you fancy?

  Martha Have you got any Nutella?

  Ben No.

  Martha Call yourself a host …

  Ben Does she know about me?

  Martha No. The straight marriage was enough of a bombshell.

  Ben laughs a little.

  Do you wish I hadn’t left your father?

  Ben Mum.

  Martha What?

  Ben Don’t ask me things like that.

  Martha Sorry.

  Ben I saw Dad last week.


  Martha And?

  Ben D’you really wanna know?

  Martha Was he good or bad?

  Ben He was good.

  Martha Then, no, I don’t want to know.

  Ben Got it.

  Martha Fuck him.

  Ben Understood.

  Martha Did I fuck up our family?

  Ben No.

  Martha Okay. Can I go to sleep now?

  Freddy (stoned) Oh my God, you’re the guy?

  Lisa-Scott (stoned) He’s the guy.

  Anna (stoned) No way?

  Freddy You’re the guy?

  Harvey I am.

  Freddy Fuckin’ A, man, fuckin’ A.

  Anna My mom was obsessed with that story.

  Lisa-Scott Right?

  Freddy You totally took that guy’s brain, man. Fuckin’ stole it.

  Harvey I didn’t steal it.

  Freddy Fuckin’ brain thief.

  Harvey I didn’t steal it.

  Anna (laughs) He didn’t steal it …!

  Freddy Oh my God, I don’t even know where to begin with this guy …

  Harvey I obtained the brain entirely legitimately.

  Anna How’d you do it?

  Harvey I’m a pathologist.

  Lisa-Scott Thom, you sure you don’t wanna smoke some pot?

  Harvey No thank you.

  Freddy I wanna fuckin’ salute you, man. Fuckin’ royalty right here!

  Lisa-Scott Tell ’em how you did it.

  Anna How’d he die?

  Freddy This shit is so fucked up.

  Harvey How did the professor die?

  Anna Yes.

  Harvey Internal bleeding.

  Anna That is so sad.

  Freddy (reflective) Internal bleeding, God damn.

  Lisa-Scott Tell ’em ’bout the brain.

  Freddy Hold up: you mean you still got it?

  Harvey Sure.

  Anna You still got the brain?

  Harvey Sure.

  Lisa-Scott He keeps it in these little jars?

  Freddy I swear to God, if you’re lyin’ to me –

  Lisa-Scott Tell ’em.

  Harvey I … still have the brain, yes.

  Freddy Sir, you are a god damn legend.

  Anna What’s it look like?

  Harvey Well. Kinda like a brain.

  Freddy I knew it.

  Anna Do brains rot?

  Harvey Excuse me?

  Anna Does it rot, you know, decompose?

  Harvey Well, it’s preserved.

  Anna Oh yeah?

  Harvey Sure.

  Freddy ‘Preserved’.

  Harvey You gotta … I used a paraformaldehyde solution. Freddy Exactly.

  Harvey You have to work quickly. By submerging the brain in the formaldehyde, you capture it, you freeze it, midstream. You capture the brain cells almost as if in mid-thought, so that when it comes to slicing the brain up, what you’re lookin’ at is as close to a living brain as –

  Anna You sliced it up?

  Harvey Sure.

  Anna You actually sliced up the brain?

  Freddy Salami, man, I’m tellin’ you.

  Harvey Well, it’s not quite salami, but I, uh, I take your point.

  Anna Then what? Once you sliced it up.

  Harvey We sealed each of the slices in a mixture of paraffin and water … then we, uh, we photographed the various, uh, slices.

  Freddy I gotta shake your hand.

  Anna Can we see it?

  Harvey Way-ell …

  Lisa-Scott He’s pretty protective. I haven’t even seen it.

  Anna What’re you, I mean whattayou even gonna do with it?

  Harvey Well. We’re gonna study it. We are studying it.

  Freddy Exactly.

  Harvey And let me tell you, it has not been easy. You know when Einstein first submitted the, uh, his Special Theory of Relativity as his doctoral thesis, it was rejected. There was a lot of animosity around that whole area.

  Freddy God damn it.

  Harvey But you know he worked at it, and he worked at it, and he changed our understanding of the entire universe. But it did not happen overnight.

  Freddy Amen to that.

  Anna But what’re you actually doing?

  Freddy Exactly.

  Harvey Excuse me?

  Anna You, you, what are you actually doing?

  Freddy Exactly.

  Harvey Well. I’m in charge. I’m in charge of the research.

  Anna But I mean, who gives a shit?

  Freddy Exactly my point.

  Harvey I’m not sure I understand the question?

  Lisa-Scott Leave him alone. Ignore ’em, Thom.

  Harvey I don’t mind.

  Anna Science, fuckin’ science, I mean enough already, right?

  Freddy Kansas has more rainbows than any other US state. Fact. Science.

  Harvey Would you like me to respond to your –

  Anna Sure. Go right ahead.

  Harvey But are you actually going to listen to me?

  Anna I am all of my ears.

  Freddy ‘Ears’.

  Harvey A hundred years ago, okay –

  Anna I’m listening.

  Harvey A hundred years ago we thought the universe was static. We had no idea of its scale, its extraordinary scope. We used to believe that our galaxy was the only galaxy. And then all of a sudden we realised we were simply one of hundreds, thousands, just hanging there. We went from being the centre of the universe to just some little piece. But it sure as hell didn’t happen overnight. Science confounds and enlightens through its continued and systematic observation of our world, exactly as it is.

  Freddy Exactly.

  Harvey I believe the next great endeavour is the mapping of the brain. Exactly as we have mapped the cosmos, we now need to map out the human brain. Because if you can understand the ingredients, the components, that make us who we are, then my God you can understand everything. And there is no bit of the brain that can’t be studied, or weighed, or measured, or cut open; there isn’t a gland or a ventricle inaccessible to the surgeon’s knife. And what better place to start, what better place to begin, than by examining the brain of one of the greatest scientific minds of the twentieth century. ‘Chance favours the prepared mind’, you know who said that?

  Beat. Then Anna bursts out laughing.

  Freddy bursts out laughing.

  Why are they laughing?

  Anna Oh my God, where did you find this guy?

  Harvey I don’t understand?

  Lisa-Scott Guys, come on.

  Freddy ‘Chance favours the prepared mind’!

  Lisa-Scott Leave him alone.

  Anna Where did you find this guy?

  Freddy Man, you are some kinda freak. Mean I like you, but you are like … (Beginning to calm down, beginning to stop laughing.) I gotta eat.

  Anna Yes.

  Freddy Doc, you hungry?

  Harvey doesn’t respond.

  Lisa-Scott I think he’s ignoring you.

  Freddy What’d we do?

  Harvey I would like to leave now.

  Freddy Hey, Doc, come on, siddown.

  Harvey Don’t you tell me what to do, you little, you little prick.

  Anna Whoa –

  Freddy Hey –

  Anna That is uncalled for.

  Freddy Like, so uncalled for.

  Anna Like, oh my God so uncalled for.

  Harvey (crestfallen) This is my … life, it is my …

  Lisa-Scott (beat) Guys, I think we’re gonna shoot.

  Victor Henry, we have already spoken about this. Margaret won’t be coming to see you again. I’m sorry.

  Henry Does she know where I am?

  Victor It’s … It’s all rather complicated, I’m afraid, Henry.

  Henry She will only worry if we don’t tell her where I am, you see.

  Victor I understand, but –

  Henry I hope you’re not misinforming me?

  Victor Most certainly not. Henry
, I don’t wish to speak to you about Margaret again, I wish to speak to you about something else entirely. I’m … Concerns have recently been raised about my health and, as such –

  Henry I’m very sorry to hear that.

  Victor Yes. As such –

  Henry Is there anything I can do?

  VictorHenry, will you listen to me for goodness sake! I need to stop working, for a short while. You will be left in very good hands, I’ve no doubt. Indeed, I will make sure of it. Do you understand? Henry?

  Henry …

  Victor Henry?

  Henry Hello.

  Victor Hello Henry.

  Henry I’m sorry I don’t think we’ve met?

  Victor …

  Henry You’re not related to Janet Fletcher are you?

  Victor I’m afraid I’m not.

  Henry I wonder if you might be able to help me find my wife? Margaret?

  Victor Henry, my name is Dr Milner. Dr Victor Milner. I –

  Henry Doctor …?

  Victor Milner. Dr Victor Milner.

  Henry I wonder if you might have your wires crossed?

  Victor Henry: Margaret won’t be coming to see you.

  Henry We’re supposed to travelling to London?

  Victor Margaret … Margaret isn’t coming to see you, Henry. Nor – Indeed nor can I. I am hopeful my absence will be temporary. But I am sorry that I cannot say the same for Margaret.

  Henry I’m a bit confused?

  Victor You will be extremely well looked after, Henry, do you understand? That much I can promise you.

  Henry …

  Victor Henry …?

  Henry Hello.

  Victor Hello Henry.

  Henry I’m sorry I don’t think we’ve met?

  Victor As a matter of fact, we have.

  Henry Oh. My apologies.

  Victor You mustn’t apologise. Take care of yourself, Henry.

  Patricia Hi.

  Martha Hi.

  Patricia (beat) How’s it going?

  Martha Good. Thanks. You?

  Patricia Okay.

  Martha Do you want to come inside?

  Patricia No thanks. Haven’t got long. Meeting some friends. Nearby. So thought I’d.

  Martha Where are you meeting them?

  Patricia That was a lie. I was tryina play it cool. Which, clearly …

  Martha Why don’t you come in?

  Patricia I have two things to say. The first one is unrelated to us and the second is entirely about us.

  Martha Why don’t you start with the first thing?

  Patricia A guy I went to law school with is looking for an expert witness and I was talking to him about you and – Anyway you can prob’ly guess where this is going: I was wondering if I could put you two in touch?