Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

  Her features softened.

  I took in a long breath then let it out along with all my madness. “I’m also sorry for snapping.” I shouldn’t treat her as if she had been the one to beat the fuck out of me. I tipped my head inside as I opened the door wider. “Come in.”

  She moved her jaw around as she eyed the lake behind her. Then, as though the water had spoken to her, she waltzed inside. “I was out riding, and I thought I would find out why you were at my house.” She went over to the couch under the window but didn’t sit.

  My place had been set up as a game room with a pool table and card table at one time. Now the small space donned a bed, a couch, a small table near the tiny kitchen, and a half bath. I had to venture up to the house to take my showers. One reason I should get my career off the ground was so I could get my own place. Dad did like me living there, though. He wanted someone close to Mom when he had to leave town on business trips.

  “So what do you want?” Her big browns were clear, not red like they had been earlier.

  “Why do you cry a lot?” I was sounding like Raven. At the moment, I didn’t give a shit. I had to be certain Mack wasn’t hurting Jessie. Otherwise, I would probably give him a taste of what he’d done to me even though the woman seemed to be able to take care of herself. She did look badass in her biker gear with that eyebrow piercing and skull tat on her ring finger. Not to mention, she had those long, shiny nails that I would love to feel scrape my body.

  She eased down on the couch near my guitar. “It’s impolite to answer a question with a question.”

  I full-on laughed. “Sorry. I teach Raven not to pry into others’ business, and yet I’m doing the same.” Please answer me, though. She was upset over something. I didn’t think her mom was the reason since she’d died a few years ago. Again, Donovan came to mind.

  She picked up my guitar and placed my baby in her lap then strummed a chord.

  I sat down on the other side of her. “Do you play?”

  “I can. I’m not as good on the guitar as I am on the piano.”

  The pain in my gut that I’d had earlier vanished when she continued to pick at the chords like an expert guitarist. Damn. Music always took away the pain, even more so with a beautiful girl holding my baby.

  “I came to your house today for a couple of reasons,” I said. “You didn’t show up yesterday, and I wanted to make sure you were all right.” That wasn’t a lie. Again, Donovan could’ve hurt her. “I also wanted to see if you would consider cutting a demo with me.”

  She stopped playing and choked. “You mean, you want me to sing?”

  “Yes. You have a killer voice.” I didn’t have any new material at the moment, but I had several of those brooding songs in my wheelhouse. She might be able to make one of them sound different with her voice.

  With the tips of her fingers, she traced the curves of my guitar, and I imagined doing the same to her body.

  Her big browns brightened. “Why? Are you trying to break into the music industry?”

  I followed her fingers as she absently continued to pet my baby. “Something like that.”

  “Then ask your friend, Jake, to help you. Isn’t his brother a big-time lead singer? Or Mr. Robinson owns a label.”

  “It’s not as simple as you might think. Besides, it would be that much sweeter if no one gave me a free ride.”

  She picked at a string. “It’s not something I want to do. I have a great job. I like being a surgical nurse. I also don’t have time to jet all over the world. I’m Lowell’s caretaker.”

  A smile broke out on my face. “It’s just a demo. No jetting around the world, unless of course someone signs you, and even then, it’s not a guarantee.” With her voice, I could see that happening. I went over to the fridge. “So what happened to Lowell?”

  “Motorcycle accident back when he was nineteen,” she said.

  Suddenly, that pain I had in my gut roared back, stabbing me over and over again as I remembered Mandy. “Would you like a beer?”

  “No thanks. I don’t drink and operate any type of machinery.”

  Neither had Mandy, but she’d died all the same. I snagged a beer then twisted off the cap and guzzled a few mouthfuls.

  Jessie placed my guitar gently on the couch as though she knew how special that instrument was to me. “I should go. I have to cook dinner.”

  After one more gulp of beer, I set the bottle on the counter. “Would you at least think about my offer?”

  She sashayed over to the door. Streaks of sunlight filtered in through the window, catching the various colors in her hair. “I don’t have time.” Her tone was firm.

  I crossed the small room. “Jessie, your voice is perfect for today’s music.” Your body would be perfect in my hands, against me, and underneath me. “Would you at least consider a small jam session? I’ll ask Mr. Robinson if we can use the club since the piano is already set up.”

  When she swept her languid gaze over me, I broke out in goose bumps and warmth as though she were licking every part of my body.

  She covered the doorknob with her hand. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  Suddenly, I felt like she had thrown me into a tub of ice, and I wanted to ask “can’t or won’t.” Instead, I had another burning question that trumped everything else. “Why did you kiss me the other night at The Cave?” I didn’t want pity, which I’d seen in her eyes at the time.

  She hardened her features. “Why did you hurt Mack’s friend? He said you sent his friend to the hospital too.”

  I grinned. “It’s not polite to answer a question with a question.”

  She smiled from ear to ear.

  My knees weakened like they had the first day I’d laid eyes on her. I inched closer until we were a foot apart, my gaze on her sensuous mouth.

  She reached out and scraped a long nail across my bottom lip, avoiding the cut Mack had given me.

  My voice was gravelly when I spoke. “If you kiss me again, I won’t walk away this time. So make sure you know what you’re doing.”

  Her cheeks darkened to a pink color, when knuckles rapped on the door.

  In less than a second, that veil of lust vaporized as if a magical being had zapped the spell connecting us.

  “That’s my cue to go.” She opened the door and came face-to-face with Ms. Sharp.

  My former teacher smiled as her gray gaze looked past Jessie to me without an ounce of jealousy. I couldn’t see Jessie’s face since her back was to me, but she lifted her shoulders to her ears.

  Ms. Sharp slid out of the way. Then Jessie ran.

  I shouldn’t chase her. She was with Donovan. She rode motorcycles. Yet I was desperate to seek out more of what had passed between us a moment earlier or even to replay that kiss at The Cave.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said to Ms. Sharp, who seemed amused at what was going on.

  I caught up to Jessie as she was rounding the garage to her motorcycle. “Wait.”

  She snagged her helmet off her bike. “Coming here was a mistake.” She sounded as though she was about to cry.

  I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. “Mistake? All I asked you was to sing one of my songs. Or are you upset over Ms. Sharp?”

  She reared back. “You call your girlfriend by her last name?”

  Man, this conversation could only go downward. “Will you think about my offer to sing?”

  She put on her helmet. “Not at all. Mack was right. You’re not good for me.” She straddled her bike as she fired the engine.

  His name on her lips made me close my hands into fists. I wanted to tell her the same about Donovan, but she sped away.

  I trudged back to the boathouse, my mind fuzzy about what had just happened.

  Ms. Sharp sat outside on the top step, texting on her phone. I was surprised she wasn’t inside, already undressed and lying across my bed. She finished her text then rubbed her hands along her jeans. “New girl? I take it you haven’t told her about our open relationship.”
>
  Ms. Sharp and I were no one’s business.

  I settled a hip against the rail post. “I don’t kiss and tell. You know that.” I would bet Jessie would never believe or understand that two people could have a relationship with great sex and no strings. “Anyway, Jessie and I would never work.”

  “Kody.” Ms. Sharp said my name in her teacher tone, which was sexy. “I adore you. You’ve got to find a way to free your inhibitions that any woman would be taken away from you or even hurt you. You have such a big heart. Let someone in.”

  Ms. Sharp sounded as though she were more than seven years older than me. I appreciated her advice, and during the last year, she’d given me a ton of it. In some respects, she’d replaced Dr. Davis, not that Ms. Sharp was a psychiatrist. Still, she’d said many times that I had to let people in. But I’d erected a stone wall around me, and it would take a special lady to break through that wall. Ms. Sharp wasn’t that lady. I wasn’t in love with her. She didn’t rattle my heart, or make my stomach do weird things, or even make my knees weak when she smiled.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked. “You didn’t call yesterday on your way back from the Cape.”

  She fixated on her pink nails. “I got caught up, which is one of the reasons I wanted to see you tonight. I told you about Rich, the man I’ve been seeing on and off for the last two years?”

  I nodded.

  “Anyway, he was down at the Cape and proposed yesterday.” Her voice was a tad shaky.

  She’d mentioned several times that she wanted to settle down. When she’d first told me that, I’d almost left the room until she had politely explained she was searching for someone closer to her age or older.

  I walked up three steps and grabbed her hand. “That’s awesome. Why do you sound hesitant?” She’d told me so much about Rich that I felt as though I knew him without even having met him.

  “We have a good thing going, you and I. And I don’t want to hurt you.”

  I plucked a few strands of her red hair that were stuck to her lips and moved them out of the way. “Hey, we agreed to no strings, no feelings. Do you love him?”

  Her small hand went around mine. “I do. I didn’t realize it until about a week ago. I’d been fighting the pull toward him since he’s kind of a playboy. We talked at length yesterday, and he’s ready to settle down, and so am I.”

  I guided her to stand before I wrapped my arms around her. “Then you should marry him.”

  She squeezed me hard. “Will you come to the wedding?”

  I eased back. “I wouldn’t miss it.” I was serious. I believed with all my heart that Ms. Sharp was the person who’d kept me from going insane during the last year. I considered her one of my best friends. “You’re special to me, Audrey. I want to see you happy.” I meant every word, although I was kind of sad that I wouldn’t see her quite as much anymore.

  She giggled. “You finally called me by my first name.”

  I sighed. “It’s time for me to get over one of my hang-ups. I always saw you as my teacher, but you’ve turned out to be one of my great friends. I would like to continue our friendship.”

  She pressed a soft palm to my cheek, tears pooling in her eyes. “I wouldn’t want anything less. Only now, no more sex.”

  We both laughed as I caught a tear of hers. I wouldn’t have minded one more time with Audrey, but she was engaged, and my mind was distracted, thanks to the beautiful chocolate-eyed woman who’d peeled out of my driveway.

  “It’s your turn, Kody. Find someone that makes your heart race, your palms sweat, and your stomach giddy.”

  I kissed her on the lips one last time. “I’m not sure I’m ready.”

  She put her hand over my heart. “You’re ready here.” Then she touched my temple. “It’s your brain that’s getting in the way. Quiet your brain for one moment and dare to live.”

  Maybe it was time to not think that God would take away anyone I fell in love with. Maybe it was time to free my inhibitions, and maybe, just maybe, I could start with Jessie.

  Chapter 11

  Jessie

  I was monitoring a young woman in the recovery room who’d just had an appendectomy. It seemed as though Dr. Gibbs had performed several appendectomies in the last month. After I checked the woman’s vitals, I moved on to the next patient, who’d had her gallbladder removed earlier that day. I’d just entered the older woman’s room, when my phone dinged. I stuck my hand in the pocket of my scrubs and fumbled with the phone as I slipped out into the main area of the recovery wing. I held the phone to my ear as I walked closer to the nurses’ station, which sat in the middle of the room.

  “Jessica Ryan?” the pleasant female voice on the line asked. “This is Ms. Franklin. I wanted to let you know that I’ve sent you an email with the name and number of the person who has agreed to meet with you. She actually lives in Lancaster, which I think is not far from you.”

  My heart skipped a beat. When I’d met with the genetic counselor, I’d asked her if she knew of anyone I could speak with who’d been in my position. She’d said she would check with her clients but cautioned me that some women might not be up to talking to a stranger about what they’d gone through.

  “That’s fantastic,” I said in a low voice. “Thank you.”

  Other nurses milled around, and I wasn’t ready to share my news about my abnormal DNA test. My coworkers could be empathetic, but I didn’t want the whole hospital knowing yet.

  “Ms. Harold is in her early thirties and was in the same situation as you,” Ms. Franklin said. “I think you two will get along. Also, Jessica, have you set up an appointment to get a mammogram like we discussed?”

  Ira, a nurse in her fifties, headed in my direction with a chart in her hand.

  “I haven’t yet. But I will.” The last couple of days had been hectic at work, and by the time I’d even thought about scheduling a mammogram, it had been too late in the day.

  “Good. Please keep me posted on things.”

  “I will. Again, thank you.” I tapped the off button.

  Ira dropped a patient’s chart in a doctor’s inbox behind me. “Everything okay?”

  I pocketed my phone. “Yeah. I’m going to check Mrs. Corbett’s vitals, then I’m off to lunch.”

  After I finished up with Mrs. Corbett, I slipped into the ladies’ room and washed my hands. Then I pinged Roxanne as I headed for the elevator to let her know I was on my way down to the cafeteria. As soon as I stepped off the elevator, that husky voice that made me tingle all over called my name. Immediately, a frisson of heat coursed through my body.

  I hadn’t seen or spoken to Kody since I’d torn out of his driveway two days ago, jealous and pissed. I’d never thought of him having a girlfriend, particularly not when he’d kissed me back in the restroom at The Cave, and not when we’d shared some intense sexual need for each other at his place.

  Sliding out of the way of traffic, I debated on whether to ignore him and meet Roxanne. But he’d already seen me, and he would only follow me. So I leaned against the wall, watching his tall, muscled body stalk down the hall with a sense of purpose and determination. He gave me a predatory grin as though he was thinking about undressing me. I shivered at the thought. I wouldn’t have minded seeing him without his low-slung jeans or the Van Halen band T-shirt he was wearing. I would also have bet the two nurses who passed him, drooling his way, wanted to see the same thing.

  Thank God for the wall. Otherwise, I might have been laid out on the floor.

  Kody settled next to me, smelling like pine, fresh and clean. He hadn’t lost that hunger in his expression. “I’m glad I caught you. I tried to have you paged, but the lady at the info desk said you were in surgery. Anyway, I wanted to see if you had a minute where we could talk.”

  Talk or get naked. Oh shut up! That voice in my head was out of control. Straightening, I checked the time on my phone. “I’m supposed to meet Roxanne for a quick bite, then I need to get back upstairs.” My tone wasn’t as rude a
s it had been when I’d left his house, but it wasn’t exactly swimming with glee, either.

  A muscle fluttered along his jaw.

  I had to erase Kody Maxwell from my mind, body, and soul. But I was failing miserably, as his presence seemed to cloud any notion I had of staying away from him. I also couldn’t forget something he’d said to me at his place. “If you kiss me again, I won’t walk away this time. So make sure you know what you’re doing.” Those words were one of the reasons goose bumps had a permanent home on my body, especially with the way his blue eyes were piercing through me as though he wanted to take me right then in the hall, amid the people walking by. That certainly couldn’t happen with his girlfriend in the picture.

  “Can we go somewhere quiet? I promise I won’t take too much of your time.” His tone was slightly rougher than before, and not in a sexy way, either.

  The lust coursing through my body vanished. It was best if we did talk. That way, I could let him know I wasn’t interested in him or in singing, if that was the reason he was there. Sure, I enjoyed singing, but I loved being a nurse. More importantly, I had so much other stuff going on in my life.

  I fixated on the thick tangle of hair that fell over his forehead, itching to run my fingers through the strands. But when I raked my gaze down a mere inch, I swallowed hard.

  He had those puppy-dog eyes that I was a sucker for. I would bet he used that expression on his mom when he wanted to get his way.

  I wanted to say, “not fair,” but instead I said, “Let me text Roxanne. We can sit outside on the benches.” Easy much? I was screwed if I ever had kids. One look from them like Kody’s, and they would play me like a fiddle.

  Silence crawled between us as we walked and I texted Roxanne. Kody wants to talk. I’ll meet you after shift.

  She quickly responded. Oh my. I definitely want to hear the details.

  I’d explained to Roxanne what had happened when I’d been at Kody’s that past Monday. Of course my friend was one to play the devil’s advocate. Are you sure that woman was his girlfriend? And why didn’t you just kiss him again? That way he would know without a doubt that you want him.