Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

  My body definitely wanted Kody. My brain, however, was on a different journey. I didn’t need to build a relationship with a guy who seemed to be a walking contradiction of passion and despair. I hadn’t seen all sides of him, but the parts I had seen scared me and pushed me closer to him. His puppy-dog eyes, badass quality, tenderness, and a body that exuded power and control were like magnets pulling me to him. Yet I got the impression that the power and control he seemed to wield were ready to burst, maybe because he’d held restraint when we had kissed. Or maybe his anger at Mack scared me. Good or bad, I wasn’t sure I was ready for all of Kody.

  Daylight jarred me back to reality, or maybe it was Kody’s heated touch on my lower back that seemed to burn a hole through my scrubs. We ambled over to the small lounging area in between the emergency wing and the main wing of the hospital. I hadn’t been outside since I’d started my shift that morning at six when the weather had been cool and breezy. Now with the sun high in the sky at noon, the air was thick and humid.

  We sat on the only available bench, which faced the parking lot. Darn. I’d wanted a table to create a barrier between us. But they were full of staff and visitors, who were absorbed in conversations and reading on their phones.

  As soon as we sat down, I said, “Okay, talk.” I hadn’t meant to sound snarky, but my nerves were all over the place. I wanted Kody. I wanted to feel him pressed up against me like he’d been that night at The Cave. I wanted to kiss him again. If I were being honest with myself, I wanted one glorious night where I didn’t have to worry about my brother, or my decision to have my breasts removed, or money, or bills, or the shop, or even the future.

  Sadly, for many reasons, including the fact that Kody had a girlfriend, I would never be able to experience any of that.

  “Are you not having a good day?” he asked.

  Words escaped me when his thigh touched mine. I inhaled a fresh pine scent, or maybe I was smelling the cut grass beneath my feet.

  Covering his face with both hands, Kody sneezed. “Sorry. I have bad allergies.”

  So cut grass for the win. “Kody, I’m not interested in singing.”

  The parking lot in the distance was teeming with cars coming and going. A whir of a motor buzzed from the groundskeeper, who had one of those yard blowers on his back, blowing the grass clippings off the sidewalk one building down from us.

  Kody leaned down so his elbows were pressed on his denim-covered thighs. “Jess, we got off on the wrong foot. I’m not here to ask you to sing, although I haven’t given up on that yet. I’m here to apologize for putting you in the middle of Donovan and me. I should’ve walked away, both at the club and when I saw him standing at your shop. I even put your brother in the middle. I owe him an apology too.”

  “Mack told me his side of the story. Is he right that you also sent a friend of his to the hospital?”

  He nodded. “He’s right. Did he also tell you that his friend could be responsible for running my girlfriend off the road on her motorcycle where she ended up dying back in high school?”

  I slapped a hand over my heart. I wondered if Mack knew about that part. Regardless, I wanted to console Kody. Pain was etched on his handsome face, but he leaned away from me as if telling me not to feel sorry for him. I knew the heartache that came from a loved one dying. I wasn’t over my mom’s death by any means.

  “Police said Mandy’s death was an accident. I’ve always believed it wasn’t even though Greg Sullivan said he didn’t chase her that day.”

  I remembered my brother mentioning her name recently. “So you were the brother dating Mandy?”

  His shoulders lowered a tiny bit. “Did you know her?” The grief in his voice was ripping me to shreds.

  “I didn’t. Lowell worked on her motorcycle a time or two.” I placed my hand on his thigh. “My sincere sympathy. I know firsthand what you’re going through.”

  He covered my hand with his rugged yet soft one. “I appreciate the sentiment. My condolences for your mom.” He pushed upright as though he was ready to bolt and find a corner to cry in. “That’s really all I came to say.”

  I hopped up and threw my arms around him. He stiffened for a brief second, then his arms went around to my back, and he tugged me tightly to him. Yeah, I could get into him holding me forever. He was safe. I wanted safe. I wanted someone to care for me, to hold me and tell me “I got you, no matter what.”

  He eased back, his features full of anguish and something else I couldn’t pinpoint. Then he leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. “I should go.”

  I was about to protest, when Mack’s blue SUV screeched to a halt in front of the emergency room doors. My head went one way, and my stomach went the other way as nausea competed with dizziness. The blood froze in my veins. Kody turned as Mack tore out of the driver’s side. As soon as he spotted Mack, he ran the short distance over to him. I couldn’t move.

  Mack pulled Lowell from the backseat. Daylight dimmed to a dark gray when I laid eyes on my unconscious brother. As a medical professional, I should have reacted quickly, like I always did with patients who needed immediate help, but nothing on the planet was pushing me into action.

  Deep lines creased Mack’s forehead. “Get someone to help,” he said to Kody in a slightly high-pitched voice.

  I tried to pick one foot up, but it seemed glued to the ground. I blew out breath after breath, watching the horrible scene unfold as two medical technicians pushed out a stretcher. Mack laid Lowell down.

  My breathing grew shallow.

  Kody jogged back to me. “Jess, I’ll walk you inside.”

  The man was going to have to carry me.

  Mack ran in alongside the stretcher, spewing words and answering questions that the medical techs were throwing his way. I should have been paying attention, but all I heard was static.

  Kody cupped my face between his hands. “Jess, your brother needs you.” His hot breath fired my synapses into gear as I blinked away tears. He hooked my arm in his. “I got you.”

  With the help of Kody’s strength, I moved my legs, albeit at a snail’s pace. When we were inside, the familiar sterile odor and the surroundings kicked the nurse part of me into gear. Mack’s big body vanished through a set of double doors. I ran with all I had, my breathing erratic, leaving Kody behind. As soon as I was in triage, where nurses and doctors hurried to tend to Lowell, Roxanne came out of nowhere, holding up her hands.

  Kody drew up alongside me.

  “We got him. Kody, can you take her in that room over there?” Roxanne flicked her brown head to the staff’s lounge.

  “No,” I protested. “I want to see him.”

  “Baby doll.” Kody’s hypnotic voice kept me from fighting off his strong arms. “Let the medical experts take care of him.”

  I was a medical expert. I wanted to take care of my brother. I did take care of my brother. “I can’t lose him, Roxanne,” I cried as questions about what had happened bombarded me. I had to find Mack.

  Roxanne walked backward, wearing her stoic and brave nurse face. “I can’t, either.” Then she disappeared into a glass-enclosed trauma room.

  I scanned the ER for Mack. All I found were nurses running around and doctors going in and out of trauma rooms. “Where’s Mack?”

  Kody’s hand was tethered to me as though he didn’t want me to leave. I should’ve pressed Lowell when I saw his hand shaking the other day. I should’ve insisted he tell me what was going on.

  I shrugged out of Kody’s hold and sprinted to Lowell’s room, stopping outside. Dr. Navar, a middle-aged emergency room doctor, was checking Lowell’s pupils. Roxanne was hooking up an IV, and a brunette nurse was placing the telemetry leads on Lowell’s chest.

  The vitals machine beeped to life, indicating Lowell’s heart rate was high, but he was still unconscious.

  “I want a blood workup done ASAP,” Dr. Navar ordered.

  The good news was that my brother had a pulse. The powerful sense of relief caused me to sway on
my feet until big arms came around me, strong, protective, and soothing. For the moment, I felt safe, and oddly, I felt loved.

  Mack came out of nowhere, chomping on his fingernails. His tight features zeroed in on Kody as he snarled.

  Kody tightened his hold on me as though he were saying, “take her from me, and I will beat your head in.” I might have protested too. I didn’t want to leave Kody’s arms. I wanted to hear his racing heart, which was beating close to my ear. I wanted to nuzzle into his clean-scented T-shirt and feel every muscle beneath it. But reality sucked, particularly with Mack flaring his nostrils.

  I pinned a hard look on Mack. “Tell me what happened.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “One minute, he was talking to me in the shop, and the next, he was shaking before he passed out. I got him here as fast as I could.”

  Dr. Navar walked out, his dark eyes set on me. “Jessie, Lowell appears to be severely dehydrated. Once the IV fluid started going in, his vitals improved. But I’m having a complete blood workup done. Is he taking any medications I should know about? Has he been eating? Has his diet changed?”

  He’d been off antidepressants for a couple of years. As far as eating, I didn’t make dinner every night, and I wasn’t with him when I was working. So I wasn’t exactly sure about his eating habits. “No on the medication.” At least, I wasn’t aware of any. “As far as eating and diet, I’m not sure.”

  The doctor swung his stethoscope over his neck. “We’ll pump him with lots of fluids. He should wake up soon. We’ll keep him overnight for observation. I’ll be back later to check on him.”

  Mack combed dirty fingers through his dark-blond hair. “Is that why he had a seizure?”

  Dr. Navar slipped his hands in the pockets of his lab coat. “Possibly, but I’ll know more when the blood results come back.”

  “Could his sugar be low?” I was reaching for straws. Yet his shaky hand and a seizure sounded to me as though his sugar could be low. If it were, then Lowell had to be starving himself, although stress could enhance and play a role as well.

  I quietly sighed as Kody held me. The circles he was tracing on the back of my hand were making me groggy. Then, as though someone slapped me in the head, I remembered Kody had a girlfriend.

  “Maybe, but again, let’s wait to see the results.” Dr. Navar headed to the nurses’ station behind us.

  Kody released me, and I almost whimpered. “I need to go. Are you going to be okay?”

  Mack growled. “She’s my girl. I can take care of her.”

  I rolled my eyes. Mack wasn’t getting the message that he and I wouldn’t be an item. “Mack,” I warned. “I’m not in the mood for your boyish antics.” I sounded like my mom. She’d always said that very thing to Lowell when he acted out.

  Kody’s jaw flexed. “You’ve been bragging that she’s your girl. Yet if she was, then she wouldn’t have let me hold her.”

  Roxanne waltzed out. “Hey, you two.” Daggers shot out of her wide yellowish-brown eyes. “Leave. This isn’t a place for you to puff out your chests and see whose dick is bigger.”

  Everyone at the nurses’ station was watching intently. They knew Roxanne didn’t mince words.

  Mack ambled closer, sucking on his lip ring.

  I held up my hand. “I am not your girl. We’re not dating.” I lowered my voice. “So stop making a scene.”

  “I’ll be at your house.” Then he marched off.

  Kody, on the other hand, gave me a hug. “I’m glad Lowell will be okay. Will you?”

  I gave Kody a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’m good.” Or I would be now that Lowell wasn’t in any danger.

  “Go be with your brother,” Roxanne said. “I have rounds. I’ll check back later.”

  Kody watched me as I went into Lowell’s room.

  “Kody, get out of here,” Roxanne said nicely.

  As I dragged a chair over to Lowell’s bed, Kody waved at me before he disappeared. I almost ran out to pull Kody back in to stay with me. But I was still on shift. So I called upstairs to let Dr. Gibbs know what was going on. When I hung up, Lowell’s eyelids fluttered open.

  I grabbed his hand. “You scared me.”

  He gave me a halfhearted smile. “I’m so sorry.”

  “What happened?” I asked. “The doctor said you’re dehydrated. Are you not getting enough water? Are you not eating? Or are you taking meds I don’t know about?”

  His curls were wild around his face. “Sis, slow down,” he mumbled. “I haven’t been eating.”

  “Why?” Please don’t say there’s something physically wrong.

  “We’re broke, Jess.”

  I did a double take. I knew my brother stressed about things. He took after my dad in that regard, which had probably contributed to my dad’s heart attack. “You haven’t been eating because we’re broke? We’ve always been broke.” We lived from paycheck to paycheck. I pulled double shifts when I could since Lowell didn’t work.

  He withdrew his hand from mine. “No, I mean our savings is gone. With the shop not doing well, I’ve used money in savings to pay our bills. Your paychecks help, but that money doesn’t cover everything. We’re two months behind on the mortgage. We have the loan for the shop. We’re still paying on my medical expenses, and the list goes on.”

  We’d been trying to dig ourselves out of a hole since our mother passed away. I should have been upset with him for not telling me, but getting angry wouldn’t have served any purpose at that point. Besides, I was more irritated that he’d let his health get out of hand. “That doesn’t mean you starve yourself or stress out to the point you’re lying in a hospital bed. You don’t need to end up like Dad. We’ll figure things out. We always do.” Several ideas were skipping through my mind, like going back to general mechanic work on all vehicles, not just motorcycles. Or we could close the shop. If we did, though, we still had to pay on the loan. We could sell, but then we would have owners on our property, and that would be weird.

  Lowell’s eyelids were getting heavy.

  “We’ll talk about all this when you come home. For now, get some rest. They’re keeping you overnight. Dr. Navar will have your blood results in the morning too. I suspect he won’t find anything serious.” With all my brother’s vital signs normal, I should return to work. Plus, Roxanne was on shift to monitor him.

  “Jess, I love you,” Lowell said.

  As I studied my brother’s drawn features, my own predicament came into focus. If I had the surgery, then I would need money since insurance wouldn’t cover my double mastectomy or implants. But I couldn’t worry about my mutated gene, at least not right then.

  “Please don’t scare me like that again. I can’t lose you too, Lowell.”

  Tears welled up in his brown eyes.

  I kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll check on you later.”

  I walked out, shoving all my emotions aside. I had to put on a happy face for five hours, then I could wallow in my sorrows in the privacy of my bedroom after my appointment with Mr. Maxwell, which couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.

  Chapter 12

  Jessie

  The water glistened beneath the late-afternoon sun, giving me a sense of peace as Mr. Maxwell and I walked down to the lake. The open air was definitely better than being cooped up in an office.

  Quietness stretched between us as we approached Kody’s place. I wanted to stop and thank him for his kindness and for standing by me at the hospital earlier that day. I could still feel his arms around me as though he was my guiding angel—a sexy angel to boot.

  Mr. Maxwell slipped a hand in the pocket of his black pants. “I’m sorry to hear about your brother. Kody told me when he got home. Is he doing better?”

  “He is.” Before I’d left the hospital, Lowell had had color back in his face and he was eating. “He’s been stressing out over our money problems, but don’t worry, I can pay you.” I had a small balance left on one of my credit cards. I’d considered canceling with Mr. Maxwel
l, but I needed to keep the appointment for my own sanity, and deep down, I wanted to talk with him about my mom.

  “I never charged your mom when we talked after church. So I feel it’s only fair I don’t charge you. Besides, I consider you a friend of the family. After all, my granddaughter can’t stop asking when she can see you again.”

  I stepped over a tree branch. “Thank you, and I will find a way to make it up to Raven for not showing up at your cookout last Sunday.”

  “Why don’t you join us this weekend? You can make it up to Raven then.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to leave my brother.” I didn’t know how Lowell would be feeling.

  “Bring him along. The more the merrier.”

  Maybe it would be good for him to get out more, and it would give us a chance to spend some time together outside of the house. “I’ll ask him.” Given that Mack hated Kody, I wasn’t sure what Lowell thought of Kody. If I knew my brother, though, he wasn’t the type of person to dislike someone because his friend did. I suspected Lowell would love Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell and get a kick out of Raven at the very least.

  “Good,” Mr. Maxwell said.

  Happy tears stung my eyes. I barely knew the man, and I already felt as though I’d known him for years. He was beginning to make me think he was the father I never had.

  The water rippled, and the scent of jasmine and lilacs hung in the air, triggering memories of my mom.

  “Did my mom talk about me or Lowell?” I knew she had been concerned about Lowell and me. Before she died, she had constantly advised Lowell and me to sell the shop, take a trip, and live our lives as though we were dying tomorrow. The latter wasn’t as easy, considering our finances, but maybe selling the shop would be a step in the right direction. I’d always had a dream of touring Europe—Ireland in particular. My mom had spent a summer there, and she’d raved about the history, the architecture, and the people.