Tranquility

by Laurie Gardiner

  “You ever hear from him again?”

  “I did, actually. When Kayla was about a month old, I called his friend, Ryan, and asked him to let Ethan know he had a daughter. I didn’t expect to hear back from him, but a couple months later he sent me a letter and some money. It was the only letter I ever got, but he sent money every couple of months. It wasn’t much, but I’m sure it was all he could afford. I sent pictures of Kayla when I had a return address, but I never knew if he got them.”

  “I’m sure he did.” Tracey said. “At least some of them.”

  “It doesn’t really matter anymore.” I sat quietly for a moment, staring into the water, deep in thought.

  “Sarah?”

  “Huh?”

  “What happened to Ethan?”

  “Oh. Right. Kayla was barely a year old when Ryan phoned me. He never called, so I knew something had to be wrong. Ethan had just bought a motorcycle. Ryan said he’d only been out on it a few times when the accident happened. He was killed instantly.”

  “Wow, that’s harsh.”

  “It was. Part of me still loved him, but I think I was more upset for Kayla, knowing she’d never have the chance to know her dad.”

  * * *

  I lay awake that night thinking about my talk with Tracey, and realized how right she was. All these years, I’d kept all those emotions inside while I tried to stay strong for everyone else. It had felt good to finally talk to someone.

  I didn’t call or text Jay. I wanted time to think about what to say. And, despite what Tracey had said, I was still a little annoyed he hadn’t contacted me, so I had no qualms about making him wait.

  * * *

  I went to work the next morning feeling better than I had in weeks. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

  It started before breakfast. The twins bickered like crazy the whole time I was in their room. I left them arguing over lipstick and moved on to the men’s room where I put clothes out for Sam and Albert. From there, I went to collect Georgia from her bath. She was in a foul mood. “That woman has no respect for her elders. She scrubbed my back so hard it hurt. And the water was cold.”

  She complained all the way to the lounge, and although I was interested in hearing what she had to say about Sheila, I was beginning to get a headache. I left her with Edie, hoping the company might cheer her up.

  Meanwhile, Sam decided to wander barefoot and in his pajamas into the muddy courtyard. It wasn’t hard to spot him. A few residents had noticed him out there and gathered at the windows to watch.

  “It’s out,” Albert said as I walked by.

  “Pardon me, Albert?” I asked, pausing behind him.

  He gestured at Sam and repeated, “It’s out.”

  I peered over his shoulder.

  “His wanker’s out.”

  I made a disgusted sound and turned away. It certainly was out. He stood in front of the window, facing us, peeing in the bush. “Why do boys do that?” I asked no one in particular.

  “’Cause we can,” Albert replied matter-of-factly.

  I got Sam inside and cleaned up in time for breakfast. “Here’s your seat, Sam.” I gestured to the empty chair beside Lily and continued on to mine. Sam slapped my backside as I walked past. I stopped and turned around. “Sam, that’s not appropriate.”

  He smiled impertinently, winked and took his seat.

  I sighed heavily and continued to my chair. I’d heard Tracey laugh when Sam smacked me. I glanced across the room to where she sat. She had a huge grin on her face. I scowled at her and took my seat.

  Mrs. Sellers was already there. I’d left her in the lounge before I went looking for Sam. Tracey had likely wheeled her in for me. I fixed her tea for her and placed it where she could reach.

  Lily and Beth were still bickering.

  “That’s my tea. Why do you always take my tea?”

  “I like the way you fix it.”

  “Fix your own damn tea.”

  “I’m telling Mother you said a bad word.”

  Mrs. W coughed.

  “Well, if you’d swallow your food, this wouldn’t happen.”

  I rubbed my throbbing temples. Sheila’s whiny, patronizing voice grated on my nerves more than usual that morning.

  An old country song drifted in from the lounge and Sam started humming. Beside him, Lily began dropping spoons full of oatmeal into her tea. Beth watched her in fascination. She took a spoonful of her own oatmeal and held it over her cup.

  I took the spoon gently from Beth’s hand. “Lily, Beth, that’s oatmeal. You eat it. You don’t put it in your tea.”

  Sam’s humming turned into whistling and food flew out of his mouth into Lily’s bowl.

  Lily looked at him in disgust. “Stop that.”

  Sam stopped whistling and looked hurt. He stared into his oatmeal dejectedly.

  Mrs. W coughed harder and Sheila’s voice went up an octave. “Okay, that’s it. You’re done.”

  The dining room fell silent for a moment before Albert’s voice rang out in a mock falsetto. “You’re done. Snookered.”

  Beth tried to leave the table and I put a hand on her arm to stop her. “It’s okay, Beth. Here, drink your tea.”

  I turned my head to look at Sheila. Her recent silence had been a welcome change, but apparently she was in a bad mood this morning as well. She’d stood up and was hovering over Mrs. W while she ranted. “You’re spitting food all over me with your coughing. Why can’t you just eat it?”

  I’d had enough. The anger had been simmering inside me since the day Sheila had cornered me in the staff room. “Maybe she would if you’d be a little more patient with her.”

  Sheila swung around and glared at me. “Oh, I see how it is,” she said to the room. “Sarah thinks she’s an expert now since she started feeding her. I have thirty years experience doing this. I don’t need you to tell me how to do my job.” She took hold of Mrs. W’s chair and wheeled her toward the door.

  “Maybe not,” Edie said loudly. “But someone ought to tell you how not to do it.”

  Sheila stopped in the doorway, back rigid, face tight with fury, but didn’t speak or turn around. After a brief pause, she marched out of the room with Mrs. W.

  “Good,” Edie said. “Maybe now we can eat in peace.” There were a few titters of nervous laughter around the room.

  “Amen to that,” Georgia said.

  I caught Edie’s eye and gave her a look that said, Don’t anger the Dragon. She shrugged as though to say, Too late.

  I thought nothing more of the incident until Abby came looking for me. She’d barely spoken to me since the day I’d shown her the marks on Mrs. W’s neck and when she did acknowledge me, she was cold and abrupt.

  It was late morning. I was in the staff room eating my lunch when Abby walked in. She marched right over to the table and sat down opposite me.

  “I need to speak to you.”

  I put down my sandwich. “Okay.”

  “You take a lot of liberties around here with protocol. I’ve been lenient because you were new to Dementia, but you’ve been overstepping yourself lately. The other staff’s behavior is for me to deal with, not you.” She leaned in close. “Sheila has been a loyal, hard-working employee at Tranquility for many years. She may not do or say things in a way you agree with, but you need to remember that things were a lot different thirty years ago. Her way isn’t your way, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Unless you can prove a staff member is abusing someone, don’t ever make an accusation that could cost someone their job. Understood?”

  The anger had been simmering in my belly since the moment she began speaking. I pushed it down and fought to keep the emotion from my face. “Understood.”

  “Good, then I assume there will be no more problems in the future. If there are, I’ll be required to give you a written warning.”

  She stood and turned as though to leave, stopped and looked at me thoughtfully. “Also, about your resident, Edie—I know you believe she doesn’t be
long here, but I spoke with her the other day and she was extremely confused. It was obvious to me that she’s cognitively impaired and I have to wonder if your judgment has been clouded by your attachment to her. I won’t be pursuing this matter any further and I’ll expect you not to as well. Anything outside of what you are required to do for the residents falls under my authority. Once you bring an issue of this nature to my attention, it’s no longer your concern.” She looked at me expectantly.

  “Also understood,” I said.

  By the time Abby left the room I was shaking. I threw the rest of my lunch away and spent the last fifteen minutes of my break trying to calm down. I went back to work feeling utterly defeated. I’d lost hope of ever bringing Sheila to justice. Without Abby’s help, I had no idea how to get Edie out of Dementia. Gran was dying. My mother was an emotional wreck and I’d likely ruined any chance I may have had with Jay.

  * * *

  Tracey caught up to me at the nurse’s station right before the end of our shift. We sat side by side, documenting our day.

  She looked around to be sure we were alone and said in a hushed voice, “I can’t believe you did that.”

  “What?”

  “Calling Sheila out in front of everyone.”

  I laughed humorlessly. “I can’t believe it either. I just couldn’t take anymore. I don’t understand how people can think it’s okay for her to treat the residents that way.”

  “I know. I feel the same way, but I need my job. She’s gotten people fired before, you know.”

  “I believe it. She must have snitched on me right away. Abby found me in the staff room on my lunch break and reamed me out.”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “No kidding. I’ll fill you in later, but basically she told me to mind my own business, and if it happens again she’ll write me up.”

  Tracey shook her head in disgust. “Sheila has way more influence around here than she should.”

  “I agree. Oh, and Abby also told me she doesn’t believe what I told her about Edie. She said she won’t be pursuing it and neither should I.”

  “Wow, sounds like she’s just being vindictive now.”

  I put my head in my hands dejectedly. “Yeah. I really messed up.”

  “No, you didn’t. It takes guts to stand up to Sheila. More guts than I have. We’ll figure this out, somehow.”

  I wasn’t so sure I believed that, but I was grateful for the encouraging words.

  * * *

  Before heading home for the day, I went looking for Edie. I wanted to talk to her about what Abby had said.

  She was in her room, sitting in her chair by the window, reading. She snapped her book shut when I walked in. “Well, lass, what did you get yourself into today?”

  “I couldn’t help it, Edie. I had to say something.”

  “I’m not saying you were wrong, but I’m worried you’ll get yourself into trouble.”

  I shook my head. “It’s me who should be worrying about you. Abby told me she spoke to you.”

  “That she did.”

  “And why would she think you were confused?”

  Edie didn’t respond. She crossed and uncrossed her legs and looked everywhere but at me.

  “What are you doing, Edie? I’m trying to help you get out of here and you’re pretending to have dementia? I understand why with Sheila, but with Abby?”

  Edie looked at me and sighed in resignation. “I can’t leave yet, lass. I need to help you first.”

  “Help me—Oh, Edie, no.” I hung my head in my hands and shook it back and forth. “I never should have told you about Sheila.”

  “It wouldn’t matter if you’d told me or not. I can see for myself what the woman is about and I wouldn’t be standing for it either way.”

  “Please, let me deal with this and don’t get involved.”

  “Well, now, I’m thinking it’s a wee bit late for that.”

  “Edie ….”

  “I told you before that I wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

  “Right. And then you made Abby believe you have dementia. What if that was your only chance to get out of here?”

  She smiled at me gently. “You’re worrying too much, lass. When the time is right, it’ll happen.”

  * * *

  When I got home from the hospital later that night, I decided to at least try to rectify the one thing I still had some control over. I texted Jay, left the phone in my bedroom and went to read Kayla her bedtime story.

  She was half asleep by the time I closed the book. I pulled the blankets up and tucked them around her snugly. “I have tomorrow off. You know what that means.”

  She gazed up at me sleepily. “You’re gonna take me to school?”

  “I sure am.”

  “That’s good. Why are you sad, Mommy?”

  The question took me by surprise. I hesitated. “I’m always a little sad when I come home from the hospital, sweetie. I feel bad for Gran and I miss having her here with us.”

  “Me too.”

  Bending down, I kissed her cheek tenderly. “Goodnight, munchkin. Sweet dreams.”

  Her eyes fluttered shut and I watched her drift off to sleep. I loved her so much it hurt. She was the one thing in my life I knew was right.

  In the kitchen, I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned up the mess left by Kayla’s bedtime snack. I made myself an herbal tea, grabbed a couple cookies from the jar and went to my room.

  I checked my phone for messages, got into my pajamas and curled up in the armchair with a book. By nine-thirty, I could barely keep my eyes open enough to read. I stood up, stretched, yawned, and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

  I’d just climbed into bed and turned off the light when I heard my phone vibrating on the nightstand. I fumbled in the dark for it.

  “I didn’t wake you did I?” Jay asked when I answered.

  “No, I was just heading to bed.”

  “I’m sorry. I know you have to be up early in the morning. I can call you tomorrow.”

  “No, it’s okay,” I said, sitting up and turning on the lamp. “I have tomorrow off.”

  “Oh, that’s good.”

  There was a moment of awkward silence before we began to speak at the same time.

  “I want to—”

  “Listen, I’m sorry—”

  “Go ahead,” I said.

  “I want to apologize for Saturday. I knew you were upset when I took you home. I shouldn’t have let the night end that way.”

  “No, I overreacted. I read too much into it when you said you’d like to meet Kayla. I guess I’m overprotective.”

  “You should be. I feel the same way about my nieces. I would never expect to be allowed into Kayla’s life unless you thought the time was right.”

  I smiled, relieved he understood. “Thanks, I needed to hear something positive today.”

  “Rough day?”

  “Yeah, you could say that.”

  “Well, maybe tomorrow will be better if you have a dinner date to look forward to.”

  I chuckled softly. “I’m sure it will.” It was already better. I hung up and drifted off to sleep with a lighter heart.

  Chapter 23 - Tough Decisions

  I DROPPED KAYLA OFF AT SCHOOL Tuesday morning and then headed to the hospital.

  Dr. Chang came in on his morning rounds and spoke to me as he examined Gran. “How are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

  “I’m doing okay, thanks. I’m usually here later in the day.”

  “I know. I see Brenda when she’s here early. She’s taking it hard, isn’t she?”

  “She is. She doesn’t deal well with this sort of thing.”

  “She’s stronger than you think. She’ll get through it.”

  He finished with his exam and came around the bed to stand next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and looked straight at me. “Your mom’s going to need you to help her through this. She has some tough decisions coming up. Your grandmother’s getting
weaker every day. The feeding tube and fluids are only prolonging the inevitable at this point.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. I’d known for a while it was coming, but hearing Dr. Chang say it made it much more real. “I know. I mean, I figured. I worked in palliative care, so I’m familiar with the signs.”

  “You’re a nurse?”

  “A support worker, but I’m going to nursing school this fall.”

  “Good for you. If you’ve worked in palliative care, you know how it works. It’s been a week since we intubated. Every day the risk of infection increases. If she’s going to remain on the ventilator indefinitely, we need to do a tracheotomy. If not, we need to take her off support and let her go when she’s ready.”

  “Have you spoken to my mother about this?”

  “I did. She said she needs time to think about it.”

  “She knows Gran’s ready,” I said. “It kills her to see her this way, but she can’t bring herself to let her go either.”

  Before he left the room, Dr Chang asked, “What does your mother do?”

  “She’s a receptionist at a dental office, but she’s off on a leave of absence right now.”

  “I, ah, was under the impression she’s a widow, but I noticed she wears a wedding band….”

  I was beginning to get the idea that Dr. Chang’s interest in my mother was not entirely professional. “She took my dad’s death really hard. She’s just never taken it off.”

  After he left the room, I leaned over Gran and whispered, “I think Mom may just have an admirer. All that nagging I put up with about getting out more—maybe she needs to take her own advice, huh?”

  * * *

  I went home at noon to have lunch with Mom before she left to see Gran. She had tuna melts in the oven and was tossing a small salad. I set plates and forks out on the island and poured two glasses of ice water. “I spoke to Dr. Chang this morning,” I said.

  Her shoulders sagged. “What did he say?”

  “The same thing he said to you, Mom. You need to decide soon.”