Tranquility

by Laurie Gardiner

  She turned and looked at me in desperation. “I can’t right now. I need more time.”

  “Just do what you think is best for Gran.”

  “I don’t know.” She began to cry. “I don’t know what’s best. I can’t—” She covered her mouth with a trembling hand. “I don’t know if I can do that. How do I choose to let her die?”

  “We talked about this with Gran after the first stroke, Mom,” I reminded her gently. “She told us she never wanted to be kept alive by a machine if there was no chance she’d recover. You’re not choosing to let her die, you’re choosing to take her off the ventilator so she can die if she’s ready.”

  “But I’m not ready. I’m not ready to let her go.”

  “Then maybe the best thing right now is to let them do the tracheotomy. If anything, it’ll give you time to decide without feeling pressured.”

  She drew in a deep shaky breath. “I’ll think about it.”

  “We’ll talk about it again when you’re ready. You’ll get through it, Mom. We’ll get through it together.”

  She nodded and managed a teary smile.

  We sat down to eat. I stared at my mother thoughtfully. She was still an attractive woman. Her body was trim and fit. Her dark, glossy hair showed only a hint of gray. The fine wrinkles around her eyes and mouth added character to her face.

  She looked up and caught me staring. “What?” she asked, picking up her napkin and wiping her mouth. “Do I have food on my face?”

  “No.”

  “Then why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I just realized how beautiful you are. I mean…I always knew you were, but I guess I don’t always see you that way because you’re my mom.”

  She looked surprised at the compliment. “Thank you, that’s sweet. I have to admit I haven’t felt beautiful in a long time. I guess I kind of gave up on myself after your dad…. I just didn’t care anymore. And now, with everything that’s going on with Gran…well, sometimes I can barely find the energy to comb my hair.”

  I waited until she took a sip of water and said, “You could do worse than Dr. Chang.”

  She choked and grabbed her napkin to keep from spewing water everywhere. When she’d finished coughing she gave me an annoyed look. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, so you’re not interested? Because, I got the impression this morning that he is.”

  “Oh, please, he’s not interested in me.”

  “Okay, I’m just saying. He’s a doctor and he’s not bad looking for an old guy. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

  Mom just rolled her eyes and took a bite of her tuna melt, but there was a gleam in her eye that hadn’t been there earlier.

  * * *

  It was a cool day, but I decided to take advantage of the sunshine by taking Kayla and Amelia to the park after school. They played tag on the jungle gym, then giggled and shrieked while I pushed them on the swings. We left the park, breathless and rosy-cheeked, an hour later.

  We dropped Amelia off at her house on the way home. Kayla walked beside me, holding my hand. She was quiet now that we were alone and the usual bounce was missing from her step.

  I gave her hand a squeeze. “You’re awfully quiet all of a sudden. Are you feeling okay?”

  “I’m fine, Mommy. I was just thinking about Gran.”

  “I think about her a lot too. Do you want to tell me what you were thinking?”

  “Before, when I asked you if Gran was gonna die, you said you didn’t know.”

  “That’s right, I didn’t know. I still don’t.”

  “I think if Gran was gonna be okay, like last time, you and Nana wouldn’t be so sad.”

  I stopped and crouched down next to her. “No one can know for sure when Gran might die, not even the doctor. But, yes, she’s very sick and the thought of her dying makes us all sad.”

  “What’ll happen to Gran if she dies, Mommy?”

  “Well…she’ll go to a nice place where she won’t be sick or in pain anymore, just like Grandpa and your daddy.”

  “Does that mean we won’t get to see her anymore?”

  I nodded and put my arm around her. “It does, sweetie.”

  Her eyes welled up with tears. Her bottom lip quivered. “I don’t want Gran to die, Mommy. I’d miss her too much.”

  I hugged her to me tightly as I fought back tears. “We all will, munchkin. You just have to remember how lucky you are that she’s been a part of your life.” I pulled away and looked at her. “No matter what happens,” I said, putting my hand over her heart, “she’ll always be in here.”

  * * *

  Mom came home from the hospital early to spend the evening with Kayla. I kissed them goodbye and hurried to my car. I was running a few minutes behind for my date with Jay and I hated being late. I’d suggested The Queen’s, knowing it wouldn’t be too busy on a weeknight. It was also casual and not nearly as intimate as the restaurant Jay had taken me to last time. My lip was still bruised and a little sore and with Saturday night still hanging over my head, intimate was the last thing I wanted.

  Jay was already there, sitting in a booth. I slid onto the bench across from him. The conversation was casual until the waitress brought our drinks and finished taking our order. As soon as she walked away Jay said, “Can we talk about Saturday night now? Let’s just get it out of the way so we’re not feeling awkward all evening.”

  I was a little surprised by his directness, but he was right. We wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy one another’s company with tension hanging in the air between us. I nodded. “Okay, go ahead.”

  “When I told you I’d like to meet your daughter, I said it casually without thinking of it from your perspective and what a big deal that would be for you. And for her.”

  “I know. I realized that later, after I’d had some time to think about it. Like I said, I overreacted.”

  “No, you didn’t. I think about my sister and her kids. What if she was in your position? I wouldn’t want her bringing every guy she dated into their lives.”

  “When I started dating again after Kayla was born, I made it a rule to tell my dates about her by the end of the second date. I’ve never had a third date. As soon as they hear about her they run the other way.”

  “Well, technically, you told me about Kayla on our first date. Tonight’s our fourth and I’m not running anywhere.”

  I looked into his eyes and felt my heart skip a beat. “No, I don’t think you’re the running type. If and when the time is right, you’ll meet her.”

  “I know that. And I know you’re just doing your job as a mom and protecting her, and I respect that. It’s just…I like you a lot and I don’t want this to stand in the way of us getting to know each other.” He looked vulnerable suddenly.

  I smiled at him reassuringly. “I like you too. But I’m warning you; this is all new to me. I’m probably going to mess up along the way.”

  “I doubt it. I won’t let you.”

  Jay was right. Talking about it cleared the air and conversation flowed the rest of the evening. The date ended at my car with a kiss so deep and intense it left my heart pounding. I drove home with the smell of his cologne still in my nostrils, my lips still tingling, wishing the night had never ended.

  * * *

  Mom was watching TV in the living room when I got home. I went in to say goodnight. She patted the seat next to hers on the couch. “Come sit. We need to talk.”

  I sat obediently beside her and waited.

  She took a deep breath. “I thought about what we talked about this morning. I’m going to tell Dr. Chang to go ahead with the tracheotomy. You’re right, it’ll give me time to think.”

  That she had made a decision at all was enough for the moment. I’d told her to decide what was best for Gran, but she had to be able to live with that decision.

  “Good for you,” I said. “And just so you know, I’ll support whatever decisions you make.”

  * * * />
  Tracey and I talked about my date with Jay while making beds at work the next day.

  She couldn’t help but gloat. “I told you didn’t I? I knew he wasn’t mad at you. So’d you have makeup sex?”

  “Oh, my God, Trace. Is that all you think about?”

  She shrugged and stuck her bottom lip out the way Kayla did when she didn’t get her own way. “Seems like it lately. I’ve been seeing Kyle for nearly three weeks and all he’s done is kiss me.”

  “So, why don’t you make the first move?”

  “Because I don’t think he’s that kind of guy. He’s sort of old-fashioned. He even opens the car door for me.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing. I kind of like it, actually. I’m just not used to it.”

  We moved on to the next bed and worked in silence until Tracey glanced at the door and said in a low voice, “Do you have a video camera?”

  “Yeah, Mom got me one the Christmas after Kayla was born. Why?”

  A devious look came over her face. “Maybe we could hide it in the bathing room.”

  “Are you serious?” I whispered, glancing nervously at the door. “What if we got caught? I’m pretty sure a hidden camera is illegal, especially in a bathing room.”

  “But think about it; Sheila’s never here much earlier than seven and she leaves at one-thirty. That means the bathing room’s empty for at least half an hour in the morning and an hour before our shift ends.”

  I stopped working and stared at her in astonishment. “You’ve actually thought about this, haven’t you?”

  She shrugged. “A little.”

  “Even if we did it and got something incriminating against Sheila, we can’t use it if it’s illegal.”

  “So, we make sure there’s no way to trace it back to us and we send it to the police and the administrator anonymously. Once they’ve seen it, they can’t ignore it.”

  “I don’t know, Trace, it’s risky. If anyone caught us or found out what we were doing, we’d be in big trouble. I’m already on Abby’s bad side, so I’d probably lose my job. You could too.”

  “I know we’d be taking a risk, but maybe it’s worth it. Have you come up with a better idea?”

  “No,” I mumbled.

  “Exactly. So just think about it, okay?”

  Chapter 24 - The Last Straw

  AN INCIDENT TWO DAYS LATER made up my mind about the video camera.

  I’d taken some of my residents to the auditorium for recreation time and was on my way back to Hall B to make beds. As I came around the corner, I heard loud voices coming from the bathing room.

  “Stop it, stop it, I’m falling!”

  “You won’t fall, you’re fine. Stop whining.”

  I paused outside the door to listen.

  “I want down. Put me down.”

  I was sure it was Mrs. Martin, but I’d never heard her raise her voice before.

  “I’m not letting you down until you stop yelling.”

  I pushed the door open slowly and peeked inside. Sheila stood facing the tub with her back to me. Mrs. Martin sat naked in the lift high above the floor, crying, “Put me down” over and over. She looked terrified.

  Sheila left the poor woman hanging in the air, dripping wet, and walked casually to the storage cabinet. She hummed as she folded and straightened towels.

  Mrs. Martin began to cry. Her body trembled uncontrollably. I choked back the anger and pushed the door open wide. “Is everything okay in here? I thought I heard yelling.”

  Sheila jumped and turned toward me, quickly schooling her features to hide the guilt. “Everything’s fine. Mrs. Martin just isn’t very happy about having a bath today.”

  “So, you don’t need help then?”

  She turned and grabbed a towel off the pile she’d been folding. “Of course I don’t need help,” she said, marching to the tub. She pulled the controller from the pocket on the side of the lift and began to lower Mrs. Martin.

  “Okay, good. Glad everything’s okay.” I closed the door gently and listened a moment longer. I heard nothing but the hum of the lift. I continued on to Hall B.

  I found Tracey making Mrs. Amaral’s bed and went to the other side to help. “Okay, I’m in.”

  “In how? What are you…? You mean the camera thing?”

  I nodded and told her about what I’d seen.

  Tracey’s voice shook with anger. “That’s exactly why we have to do this.”

  “I know. I still don’t like it, but I don’t see any other way. And I’m doing it myself. I don’t want you dragged into it if I get caught.”

  “Uh, no, you’re not. I’m already involved. Besides, you need me to be lookout.”

  “No, I don’t. I’ll find a way.”

  “I’m helping. That’s all there is to it. We need to get together and plan this thing.”

  “Fine,” I said, sighing in resignation. “How about tonight?”

  * * *

  Mom picked Kayla up from school so I could go right to the hospital after work. I spent a couple of hours with Gran before going home to shower and help Mom make dinner. Tracey showed up while we were cooking. We had a glass of red wine while we chopped vegetables for the spaghetti sauce and the salad. Kayla climbed up on the stool beside Tracey. I handed her a cutting board and knife to chop mushrooms.

  “Wow,” Tracey said, “your mom let’s you use a sharp knife, huh?”

  “Only for things like mushrooms, ‘cause they’re easy to cut,” Kayla replied matter-of-factly.

  Tracey sighed and shook her head dramatically. “You must be really special ‘cause my mom still won’t let me use sharp knives and I’m twenty-five.”

  “You’re funny,” Kayla giggled. She went on to tell her all about school and her friends. Tracey listened avidly, inserting remarks and questions in all the right places.

  After dinner, Mom left to go to the hospital. Tracey and I cleaned up the kitchen, while Kayla went into the living room to set up the Wii.

  When we’d finished in the kitchen, we joined Kayla. I sat on the couch and finished my wine as I watched Tracey and Kayla battle. They bowled for a while and then moved on to boxing. The whole time, they bantered back and forth in friendly competition. It ended with Kayla landing a solid left hook and knocking Tracey out. She fell to the floor in mock unconsciousness. When Kayla bent over, Tracey grabbed her, pulled her to the floor and tickled her.

  Kayla laughed until she shrieked, “Stop, stop! Can’t breathe.”

  Tracey stopped and they lay breathless, side-by-side, on the floor.

  “Okay, munchkin,” I said, “now that you’re all wound up, it’s time to get ready for bed.”

  The lip came out. “But, Mommy, I don’t have school tomorrow.”

  “I know you don’t, but you have a busy day anyway. Nana’s dropping you off at Amelia’s house before lunch and you’re staying there until I’m finished work.”

  That cheered her up and she ran off to get into her pajamas. Twenty minutes later, she was in bed sound asleep. I made a pot of tea and Tracey and I sat down to plot against Sheila.

  “First of all,” Tracey said, “I think we should go in ahead of time and scope out the room to find the best place to set up the camera.”

  I hadn’t thought of that. Set-up would have to be quick, so we needed as much information as possible going into it. “Let’s do it tomorrow during the Saturday matinee,” I suggested.

  Tracey nodded her agreement. “You have a spare memory card with nothing on it?”

  I went to my room and came back with the video camera and battery. “I don’t have a spare card, but I can load this one onto the computer and clear the card.”

  “You’ll have to format, so the card’s completely wiped,” Tracey said. “And make sure you charge the battery.”

  “Okay, that takes care of the how,” I said, “Now we have to figure out the when.”

  Tracey thought for a moment. “We’ll check the bath schedule fo
r the week. I think our best bet is Mrs. W, since Sheila seems to enjoy picking on her so much. Hopefully one of her bath days co-ordinates with both of us working.”

  “And if Sheila’s having a good day and we get nothing?” I asked.

  “Really? Like that’s gonna happen. Think about it. Sheila having a good day?”

  We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

  “Oh Trace,” I said a moment later as I wiped tears from my eyes. “What are we getting ourselves into?”

  * * *

  Saturday was the perfect day to check out the bathing room. Neither Sheila nor Abby were there and it was a quiet afternoon, with some residents signed out or busy with visitors, and others watching the movie.

  The morning seemed to drag by and with each passing hour I felt more on edge.

  I waited until Tom and Anne showed up for their weekly visit with Edie. The last thing I needed was for Edie to become suspicious and involve herself in what could end up being a huge debacle.

  I met Tracey outside the bathing room shortly after one. We moved the supply cart closer to the door. I pulled my keys out of my pocket and they slipped through my fingers onto the floor with a loud clang. The sound seemed to echo through the empty hallway and I froze.

  Tracey bent down, picked them up and handed them to me. “You okay?”

  I gulped nervously, nodded, unlocked the door and slipped into the room while Tracey pretended to be busy re-organizing the cart. I‘d gone to my locker during my break and gotten my phone. I pulled it out of my pocket and snapped pictures of the room from every angle.

  I noticed a cabinet on the wall in one corner with a dust-covered, fake plant on top. It would be a pain getting up and down, but it would be up high and out of sight. I opened the cabinet door. It was filled with cleaning supplies, rags, and other odds and ends. It was a possibility. I stood in front of it, facing the room, and took pictures to show the sight lines to the door and tub. I turned around, stood back and snapped one of the cabinet as well.

  I pulled the stepstool out of the closet beside the shower room and placed it in front of the cabinet. I had to stand on the second step to reach the plant, but it was doable. I held my phone up in front of the plant and took a few pictures of the room from that angle.