Heart of the Matter

by KI Thompson

  Perhaps that was why she had said yes to Sandra. But Sandra didn’t make her feel the things Kate did.

  “I love Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman together, don’t you?” Ellen sighed.

  “Yeah, but he’s an asshole in this movie,” Kate replied. “How could he treat her that way and make her go back to that guy? He’s clearly poisoning her.”

  “But Cary loves her, you’ll see.”

  “He has a heck of a way of showing it.”

  “Oh, Kate, you’re such a realist. Can’t you see how romantic they are together?”

  “Romantic? I wouldn’t make the woman I love go back to that guy and his criminal friends. That’s not romantic.” Ellen glanced at her. “Okay, so what do you think is romantic?”

  Kate hesitated. “Romance is when the woman you love consumes you. She is your everything—all that matters, all that ever was and ever will be. You will gladly endure anything, any hardship, to avoid inflicting a second of pain on her. And you will love her until the day you die, never taking a moment of being with her for granted. After that, you will thank your lucky stars that someone as magnificent as she ever thought of loving someone as insignificant as you in return.”

  Ellen couldn’t move. The entire time Kate spoke, she had looked into Ellen’s eyes. Her heart beat erratically, and her face felt too hot to touch. She tried to catch her breath, but the more she tried, the harder it became to get air. “Oh, Kate,” she whispered. Tears burned her eyes for all the possibilities she never dared imagine.

  The alcohol had loosened Kate’s self-restraint and she knew it, but she didn’t care. Being with Ellen made her feel whole, and she couldn’t take one more minute of wondering what it would be like to touch her. The kiss in the car was seared in her mind, and her body had awakened to the memory of it. She was on fire and had to have Ellen, here and now, if only this once. Would Ellen be able to see past her scars? More important, could she?

  Kate had always found kissing someone side by side awkward, so she dared to roll over and settle gently on Ellen’s lap, facing her, her bent legs bearing her weight on the couch. She towered over Ellen and leaned in, bracing her hands against the back of the couch.

  “I would like very much to kiss you…again,” Kate murmured.

  Ellen looked up into the hazy passion in Kate’s eyes. So this is what it feels like. The inability to catch your breath, your heart pounding wildly in your chest, the feeling that wherever that person touched you, she left a trail of fire behind. And even though the fire burned intensely, it felt so good you never wanted it to go away.

  Ellen wanted to reply but her mouth was completely dry. She licked her lips to moisten them.

  The tongue was all it took. Considering it an affirmation, Kate captured Ellen’s lips with her own. God. This kiss was better than she remembered, and she hadn’t forgotten anything about that first one. She pulled back slightly, a mere fraction of an inch from the supple mouth. Opening her eyes, she sought Ellen’s, needing to know it was all right, that she didn’t want her to stop.

  It took Ellen a moment to realize Kate had stopped kissing her.

  She was lost in the sensation of warm, tender lips that aroused her like nothing before. She was already wet, amazed the kiss was all it took. She opened her eyes, afraid to think this was as far as it might go…again. The need in Kate’s eyes enveloped her and she ran her fingers through the dark tresses at the nape of Kate’s neck. “Please,” she whispered, pulling Kate back down to her mouth.

  The tentative embrace changed quickly in intensity. Their lips sought each other until that wasn’t enough. Ellen opened her mouth and invited Kate’s searching tongue inside, letting it fill her questioningly. When Kate sucked Ellen’s tongue back into her mouth, Ellen moaned, encouraging her further.

  Kate tried not to rush things, but her body simply would not obey. Her hands wandered of their own accord, finding Ellen’s face first, then sliding down her neck, shoulders, then back to her neck.

  After hesitating briefly, she smoothed them down the front of Ellen’s sweater, until they swept over the stiff nipples that pressed into the palms of her hands. Ellen arched up into her hands and she cupped both breasts, gently stroking the stiff peaks with her thumbs. Her passion overcame her insecurities, and she was transported back into the old Kate, the Kate whom women begged to touch.

  Ellen pulled away from Kate’s mouth, gasping for air, her body out of control. Her hips were lifting off the couch, needing to find contact with Kate, whose center painfully eluded her. Her hands moved from Kate’s waist to her back, rubbing firmly, pressing her to move even closer.

  Kate pushed her down onto the couch. When Ellen was on her back, Kate stretched out on top of her. The full-body contact was exquisite, and a rush of wetness pooled between Ellen’s legs as their two centers connected. Almost immediately, they moved rhythmically as one, the overwhelming instinct to connect as natural as breathing. Without warning, Kate pushed Ellen’s sweater up, but before she could go further, Ellen stopped her.

  “Wait,” Ellen panted.

  Kate froze.

  “I…God, I…” Ellen didn’t know what she wanted to say. She worried Kate wouldn’t find her body pleasing, and she didn’t think she could stand it if she didn’t.

  “Are you okay?” Kate whispered.

  Ellen nodded, her body screaming to be released from the delicious torture Kate was inflicting.

  Kate kissed Ellen’s stomach, her tongue tracing a line slightly above the waist of her jeans, leaving a trail of wetness behind.

  Ellen’s body stiffened ever so slightly and Kate paused in her path.

  “Do you want me to stop?” Kate searched Ellen’s eyes.

  “No…it’s just that I…I want you…” Fuck it. “I don’t want you to be disappointed, that’s all.”

  Kate’s mouth dropped. “Are you insane? My God, you’re exquisite. It’s all I can do not to force myself on you. What on earth would I be disappointed in?”

  Ellen struggled not to let tears spill out and ruin the moment.

  She thinks I’m exquisite. Me. She ran her hands across Kate’s cheeks and into her hair, pulling her down into a searing kiss. Instantly the ache in her groin developed into a pounding throb. Gently pushing Kate away, she struggled to sit up. “I need to get more comfortable than on the couch. Come on.”

  She took Kate by the hand and led her into the bedroom. At the foot of the bed, she helped Kate lie down. In the pale light that filtered in through the blinds, she saw Kate reach toward the bedside lamp. “No, leave it off.”

  Kate drew her hand away from the lamp and pulled Ellen alongside her on the bed. The pace slowed measurably as Kate returned to kissing and nibbling along Ellen’s lips and neck. Ellen sensed Kate’s hesitation and knew if she wasn’t going to blow this, she needed to make changes, and fast. She wanted Kate, wanted to make love with her, had in fact fantasized for quite some time about doing just what they were doing now. That Kate had confirmed her physical response to Ellen only made it more real. Ellen took a deep breath. Reaching down, she took hold of her sweater and drew it up and off her head.

  Kate stopped what she was doing and stared. Her hands were obviously shaking as she took Ellen’s breasts in her hands and worshipped them with her mouth.

  “Oh, yes,” Ellen said encouragingly. Her body ached to be touched and her mind was lost in the pleasure of Kate’s tongue and lips on her nipples. She pressed Kate’s head firmly into them, wanting her to devour them; she could easily come with that sensation alone.

  She tugged on Kate’s shirt, letting her know she needed contact with her skin as well, and Kate quickly obliged. Within seconds she had stripped off her jeans and then helped slide Ellen’s off her.

  Finally skin to skin with no barrier in between, Kate took her, with her mouth, fingers, body, and mind. When Ellen felt her slip down between her thighs, she opened to her, inviting all she could give. And when Kate’s lips and tongue enclosed her, drawing her deep
ly into her mouth, Ellen knew she could no longer hold back.

  “Please, go inside,” she begged.

  Kate moaned just to hear Ellen and willingly inserted first one and then two fingers into her hot, wet center. With her fingers stroking inside and her lips and tongue sucking the head of Ellen’s clit, she felt Ellen’s body rock faster, taking her in as far as she could go. Sliding in to a familiar spot, she felt Ellen jerk once and then let her entire body loosen as she called out Kate’s name. Kate didn’t stop, soothing her with her tongue until Ellen ceased to buck. The aftershocks continued and Kate held her until it was over.

  After a few minutes to let Ellen relax, Kate withdrew her fingers and crawled up to settle beside her. Ellen fell into her arms and began to cry.

  “Shh, it’s okay.” Kate brushed her lips across Ellen’s damp forehead.

  Ellen laughed. “It’s more than okay. It felt so damn good I can’t stop myself from crying. How embarrassing.”

  “No, it’s not. I’m flattered. You were absolutely wonderful. Thank you.”

  Ellen’s eyes were barely open. “Thank you. That was a first.”

  “Crying after sex?”

  “No.” Ellen yawned. “Having an orgasm like that.”

  “Now, I know you’ve had sex before,” Kate teased.

  “Mmm, sex, yes. An orgasm, no.”

  Stunned, Kate couldn’t move, unable to respond. But no response was necessary. Ellen was sound asleep.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Kate smoothed her hand across the arch of Ellen’s hip, finding the dip inward to her waist. She could not recall ever having felt anything so curvaceous, so womanly. She thought of the women she had been with in the past, women who were thin and flat, almost one-dimensional. Ellen looked like a woman in a Rubens painting: flared hips, full breasts, round ass, and highly desirable. She wondered at Ellen’s initial modesty, her unwillingness to be seen as she was. Kate thought about her own body, which she had studiously avoided having Ellen touch.

  She ran a hand across her face, down her left shoulder, arm, and side. The raised strips of skin, the result of her scars, were smooth and sensitive. None of them mattered much to her, except the one on her face. It now defined her and what she would become. She tried not to dwell on it too much, but now, being home again, she stared at her future, which was a gaping black void. She remembered a special report the television station’s science team did on black holes. At the time she couldn’t grasp the concept of nothingness in space. Now she had a good idea.

  But it was time to start figuring out what she was going to do.

  She was tired of her self-imposed confinement, tired of watching television, and tired of having no direction. She had always needed action, needed something meaningful to make her feel like she was making a difference. Being with Ellen, someone who had such passion and interest in her field, made Kate realize that she needed to feel that again, too.

  She returned her gaze to Ellen sleeping on her side next to her. Her hair spilled across the pillow, her face wore a peaceful expression. Ellen looked so much younger, almost childlike in her sleep.

  At the foot of the bed General Beauregard stretched and looked her way. He definitely appeared annoyed. Stalking toward the headboard, he banged his head into Ellen, causing her to stir. She reached up and petted him, scratching gently behind his ears. “Good morning, Beau,” she whispered groggily.

  “I think he’s hungry,” Kate said.

  “He’s always hungry.” Ellen rolled over to face Kate. “Good morning.” She leaned close for a kiss. The warmth of their lips and the slow dance of their tongues put Kate’s body on alert. “Mmm, that’s a nice way to wake up in the morning.” Kate grinned. “Yes, very nice.” She pulled Ellen into her, their bodies pressing firmly against each other. Kate felt the ache between her thighs rekindle and she moaned into Ellen’s mouth.

  “Let me touch you,” Ellen whispered.

  She reached out to Kate, but before hand could meet skin, Kate intercepted her. “It’s not very pretty.” Ellen gazed steadily into her eyes. “Do you think that really matters to me?”

  Kate paused, then kissed Ellen’s palm. She guided Ellen’s hand to the scar that ran from her left shoulder, down her arm, and then where it skipped to her rib cage. The entire time she watched Ellen for any sign of hesitation or revulsion, but all she found was compassion.

  “Let me really look at you.” Ellen tried to convey as much tenderness in her eyes and her touch as she could. She knew exactly what it was like to not want someone to touch or see her body. She gently pulled the sheet from Kate’s body. The scars were about half an inch wide and still red, but not as angry as those Ellen had first seen on Kate’s face. With time they too would fade. But all Ellen could see were the small breasts, the flat stomach, and the triangle of dark hair that glistened with moisture. A pull in her groin signaled her desire.

  “You’re beautiful, Kate…as I imagined you’d be.” Ellen was in awe and instinctually drew the sheet up to cover herself. Kate’s body made her ashamed of her own. Kate was in great shape whereas she was fat and flabby.

  “No.” Kate prevented Ellen from hiding behind the sheet. “We both need to see each other the way we really are.” Ellen’s eyes burned from unshed tears. She gently pushed Kate back on the bed and ran her hand up her stomach to cup her breast.

  With a flick of her thumb she brought Kate’s nipple to attention, then replaced her thumb with her mouth. She sucked gently, the nipple hardening between her lips, and when Kate groaned, her body reacted. Running her hand to the vee between Kate’s thighs, she couldn’t restrain herself from dipping in to feel what she had fantasized about for several years. Kate was hot and wet, and Ellen slid her fingers directly to Kate’s opening and inside.

  Kate gasped and was so ready that Ellen felt her instantly clamp down on her fingers. Sensing Kate’s need, Ellen pushed as far as she could, stroking inside Kate with her fingertips. Then slowly she withdrew completely, only to plunge back. Picking up speed, she thrust faster, all the while sucking Kate’s nipple. Kate arched up off the bed when the orgasm slammed into her, and Ellen felt each successive ripple wash over her.

  Ellen was stunned by Kate’s responsiveness. It was over all too quickly, and she had so wanted to make it last, to never end. She thought she might cry again, but she didn’t want to scare Kate away.

  Even her fantasies had never come close to this reality.

  She climbed on top of Kate, kissing her way from her breast to her throat, nipping and soothing with her tongue as she went. When she reached Kate’s mouth, she pressed her lips to Kate’s, pushing them open with her tongue, and lazily sucked Kate’s.

  The phone rang. Ellen stopped sucking and sighed, glad it hadn’t rung while Kate was trying to come. She let her answering machine pick up. She had called her mother last night, and knew she would call back before she went for her morning walk.

  “Hi, Ellen, it’s Sandra.”

  Ellen froze. Thoughts of running to the machine and ripping the cord out of the wall ran through her mind. But it was too late.

  She would only confirm the suspicion in Kate’s mind that she had something to hide. Shit. Please don’t say anything bad.

  “I’m looking forward to tonight, and, uh, why don’t you wear that sexy outfit you wore when we went to the symphony?

  You looked hot.” A breathy sigh came over the phone and Ellen cringed inwardly. “I just wanted to let you know that I couldn’t get reservations at Al Tirimasu’s until late tonight, so I switched to the Regent Thai instead. Hope that’s okay. See you around seven.” The machine clicked off and Ellen wanted to die.

  Thoughts of Ellen playing the field raced through Kate’s mind.

  And why shouldn’t Ellen see whomever she wants? She’s highly desirable, and so was Sandra, although Kate still held a low opinion of her. She must be great in bed. How could Ellen ever think Kate would be someone long-term? She had absolutely nothing to offer, and besides,
Ellen had clearly stated her interest in playing the field.

  “Sandra had called while we were gone,” Ellen quickly explained. “I didn’t think this was going to happen between us, otherwise—”

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me.” Kate was wondering how to extricate herself from Ellen’s bed without seeming overly eager to get away. She didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave Ellen’s warmth and tenderness, but clearly Ellen had plans. She used to be smooth at a quick fuck and an equally quick escape. But now the emptiness in the depths of her stomach made her want to run without her usual witty excuse.

  Ellen felt the tension descend over both of them and desperately wanted to make Kate understand. But what was there to understand?

  She had made a date with Sandra. And she’d even decided if Sandra wanted to take her to bed again, she’d probably go. But now everything had changed with Kate. What that meant, she wasn’t sure. Did they have a future? Did it matter? Simply being with her made Ellen happy, but it wasn’t enough.

  “You know what? I’m starved.” Kate got up to go to the bathroom. “How about I take a quick shower, and if you’ve got some coffee, that would be great.”

  Ellen watched as Kate walked away. “I could scramble some eggs and make toast?”

  “Perfect,” Kate called from the bathroom. She studied herself in the mirror. There it was again. The scar. Oddly, it was becoming less of a shock to her, had in fact become somewhat familiar and more a part of her. Still, she loathed herself at the moment and wanted nothing more than to slink back to her condo. She shook her head disgustedly. What an ego you’ve got, Foster, thinking Ellen wanted more than a casual fuck. She turned on the shower and stepped in, letting the hot water wash the tears away.

  Ellen got the coffee going and set a pan on the stove. Reaching into the refrigerator, she first fed Beau, who demanded attention, then retrieved the eggs and milk. She cracked several in a bowl and beat them with a whisk. The activity felt good, and she sloshed a little over the sides until she calmed down. Sandra’s timing couldn’t have been worse. Ellen needed to let Kate know things were different now, at least she hoped so. She’d tell Sandra tonight that she didn’t want to see her again. With Kate in her life, she had everything she needed.