Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  “You can have my bed. I’ll go sleep on the couch,” I offered.

  “No, you won’t. Get in bed,” she ordered.

  I did as I was told.

  “Now scoot over.”

  Soon Sam was snuggled up next to me. Her body was warm and soft and I was in heaven. Sleep came upon me quickly and the nightmare did not recur when I was safe in Samantha’s arms.

  The six thirty alarm blared in my ear. I reached over and hit the snooze bar with the palm of my hand. Sam groaned into my chest. “What time is it?” she muttered.

  “Time to get up, if I’m going to make my first class,” I whispered. As usual, Rick slept through the commotion, snoring away from the other side of the room.

  “Are you up for it?” Sam asked. “I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to go.”

  “I’d rather stay here, in bed with you,” I admitted.

  “At least you don’t take up the whole bed like some people.”

  She made a joke. It was such a stupid little thing to make me happy. Sam took her studies very seriously, so asking if I needed to skip class and not ride my ass about it was a big deal for her.

  “I don’t want to go today.”

  “Okay, we’ll stay here.”

  “You’ll stay with me? Really?” I asked in disbelief.

  “Why is that so hard to believe?”

  “Gee, because if Hermione Granger really existed, she’d be you,” I joked back.

  “That’s so sweet, thank you.”

  “I’m not sure if I meant that to be a compliment or a dig at your anal retentive ambitious attitude.”

  “Ha,” she scoffed. “You love everything about me Jacob Lewis. Don’t deny it.”

  “I do, I really do,” I smiled. “I should get up and call Mrs. Welsh to let her know I’m staying home today.”

  “Okay,” Sam said, sitting up and stretching her arms above her head so her top rode up and exposed her bare belly. I quickly looked away, hoping to avoid detection. “I don’t suppose you know how to make waffles. I’m in the mood for waffles.”

  “I can have the waffle iron going in fifteen minutes.”

  “Great. Make your phone call. I’m going brush my teeth.”

  “What about Rick?”

  “He’ll wake up when he smells breakfast cooking.”

  Just as Sam suspected, Rick made his entrance as I put the last of the waffles onto a serving plate. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he took a seat next to Sam. “Good morning,” he muttered, taking a sip of his coffee.

  “Good morning,” I replied, setting the plate in the middle of the table.

  We dug into breakfast, not saying much, the only sounds coming from our forks touching the plates.

  Finally, Rick spoke. “So what are we doing today? Do you need help with any arrangements?”

  “I have to go talk with your Dad. I think everything is arranged for tomorrow. Honestly, he gave me so much information last night, it kinda left my head spinning.”

  “What makes you think we aren’t going to class today?” Sam asked, placing her elbows on the table and glaring at Rick.

  “Because Jake is more important than a stupid lecture. We can easily get the notes after class and read the text without sitting in a lecture hall.”

  “Finals are just a couple weeks away,” I reminded Rick.

  He shrugged, not really upset. I know he had his heart set on the NBA draft. Rick assumed he’d be picked and that was that. The confidence he exuded astounded me at times. Rick was so charismatic, he made me believe he’d get drafted in June. Sam didn’t talk about it. For someone who was so down to earth and a realist, she chose to keep her head in the sand on this one topic. I wasn’t going to say anything about the draft if it was going to upset Sam.

  “I’ll help you study for finals,” Sam said to me, all but ignoring Rick.

  “I can’t believe all this is happening at once.” The pressure of exams, my granddad’s death and the impending funeral suddenly made me queasy. I wasn’t even sure I could stomach being in his house my house right now. “I want to get away after finals.”

  “What did you have in mind?” Rick asked.

  “My granddad’s cabin in the Poconos.”

  “I haven’t been there in years. It’s a great idea.”

  Sam glanced back and forth at us. “I’ve never been to the cabin. I think it’s a great idea, too. We can stock up on supplies and go for as long as you want.”

  “Maybe Jenna can join us, too.”

  “Yeah,” Rick agreed. “I think she might like that.”

  Chapter Eight

  I stood next to the burial plot as they lowered my granddad into the ground. Sam stood on my left side and Jenna on my right. Mrs. Welsh was behind me, her steady hand on my shoulder. I was grateful for the short service. Granddad never was one for pomp and circumstance. He was happy now, I thought to myself. He was with Grandmother, my mom and dad. I wondered how long it would be before I could see them again. I hoped they were happy reunited in heaven. I, however, felt sad and depressed.

  We left the cemetery and had a luncheon at Denato’s. It was a small party: the Welshes, Sam and her parents, and me. It was good being around happy memories the Welshes and I shared of my granddad. Mr. Welsh told some stories I had never heard before. Remembering the good times helped to lighten my mood, if only for a short time.

  When we finished lunch, I said goodbye to Sam. Jenna followed me back to my house.

  I grabbed a beer from my granddad’s stash in the refrigerator and sat down at the kitchen table.

  Jenna stood behind me and placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head. “You did good today. I know it was difficult for you. Your granddad would be proud.”

  “Sit with me, Jenna.”

  She pulled a chair from the end of the table and placed it next to me.

  I took her delicate hand in mine. “Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I just feel a little lost right now.”

  “Want to tell me about it?”

  I twisted the cap off the beer and took a swig. “I’d like to think they’re all together my parents and grandparents. The idea makes me happy. The fact that I can’t be with them makes me sad. I’m sure the therapist would have a field day with me right now,” I explained, trying not to be too morose.

  “Do you want to make an appointment to see him?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  “I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up, Jake.”

  Jenna was so sweet and supportive, I wanted to ease her mind. I didn’t want her worrying about me. “Just being here is a big help. You should be having fun. You’ll graduate from high school soon. I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck here with me.”

  “I’m here because I want to be, not out of some sense of duty. I love you, Jake.” Jenna looked at me with warm, intense eyes. I could tell she meant every word. The knowledge overwhelmed me. I wanted to say something, but the words wouldn’t escape me. Sitting like a frozen statue, I felt Jenna caress my cheek “You don’t have to say it back to me. I just wanted you to know how I feel.”

  There were only two other women in my life that had said those three words to me. My mom loved me unconditionally, a bond shared by blood; Samantha loved me as a friend, fierce and loyal; Jenna’s love promised something more, something I had yet to fully experience: sexual love.

  I wasn’t prepared to say ‘I love you’ yet, but I could try to convey my happiness with a smile. “I think I’d like to change out of this suit. Will you wait for me? You don’t have to go home right away, do you?”

  “I can hang out for a while.”

  I leaned in and kissed Jenna on the lips. “Thanks.”

  Chapter Nine

  When finals were over, Sam, Rick, and I escaped to my granddad’s cabin in the Pocono Mountains. It had been sitting empty for six months, so we opened the windows to air out the musty smell. Sam was busy unpacking the groceries we picked up along the way, whil
e Rick gathered some firewood. Even though it was June, the nights could still hit forty-five degrees in the mountains.

  It was a small cabin: two bedrooms, one bath, eat-in kitchen and wood-paneled den. Granddad would bring Rick and me to the cabin during winter break. Rick loved getting out of the crowded Welsh’s home and hunting. I, on the other hand, didn’t like guns, so I spent most of my time playing video games or reading.

  Sam joined me, sitting on the brown plaid sofa. “I like this place. It’s rustic and cozy.”

  “It hasn’t been redecorated since 1972,” I added.

  She laughed. “Well, it’s definitely missing a woman’s touch, but it’s a man’s retreat.” She looked at me concern in her eyes. “How are you, really?”

  I shrugged. “What do you want me to say? Here we go again. One more bad thing happens to poor ol’ Jake.”

  “Stop it!” Sam practically yelled. Her outburst made me scoot to the edge of the sofa. Sam never got mad at me. Being on the other end didn’t feel very good. How did Rick put up with it, I wondered?

  “Don’t yell at me. I didn’t do anything.”

  “Exactly. You didn’t do anything, so stop with the self-pity. You’re a great guy, Jake. I don’t care that you have no parents or you’re crippled and you just lost your last living relative. Stop letting those things define who you are. You can do anything you want to do. Why can’t you believe that?” she said in exasperation.

  I stood up, seething. “No I can’t do anything I want. I can’t run a marathon. I can’t be the star athlete like Rick. I can’t have any woman I want!”

  Sam stood with her mouth open, no retort to my outburst. I pushed past her and walked to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

  I sat on the bed staring into space. It was wrong of me to blow up at Sam. She was only trying to help, but right now I didn’t want anyone’s help. I closed my eyes and practiced deep breathing. The sound of the door creaking open got my attention. I could hear them talking in the hallway.

  “What are we supposed to do?” Rick whispered to Sam.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “How long is he going to be like this? Maybe we should go home.”

  “Jake doesn’t have a home anymore,” Sam reminded Rick.

  “Of course he does. It’s right next to mine.”

  “Rick, a house and a home are two different things. Look at what he’s survived. You and I could never really understand what its like to have all that loss in your life. Jake has had to deal with both physical and mental loss at such a young age. It scars you.”

  “I was there when it happened, Sam. I don’t intend to let him slip away from us after everything we’ve been through together. He doesn’t get to be that selfish!” Rick retorted in anger. Rick fully opened the door and walked towards me. “How you doing, man?”

  “I don’t know. I feel numb,” I honestly replied.

  “Your granddad is in a better place now. That’s got to be some kind of comfort.”

  I laughed aloud. I knew Rick was trying to make me feel better, but he had no clue what he was doing. “That is the most ridiculous thing you have ever said.” I was laughing so hard that my eyes watered. Rick and Sam looked at each other with alarm. They probably thought I should be placed in a mental hospital. “I’m nineteen–years old, where is the text book that’s supposed to help me deal with this? ‘Cause I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.”

  Sam knelt down in front of me and held my hands. “Jake, I can’t even begin to understand the pain you are in. You need to remember, you do have people in your life that love you. The Welshes, Rick, Jenna, me we love you.”

  I pulled away from Sam’s grasp and placed my head in the palm of my hands. She was right. There was much lost. Yet there was much gained. I need to think positively or else my feelings of self-doubt and despair would eat me alive. “Sam, I know you’re right. I just can’t get out of my head. I’m haunted and I don’t know how to get past it.”

  “You live your life.”

  “I don’t suppose you have a list for that.”

  “As a matter of fact,” she began, “I do.”

  “Can’t wait to hear this,” Rick muttered under his breath.

  Sam turned to Rick and scowled. Then she turned back to Jake and began, “I think Rick and I should move in with you this summer. The three of us will be together. That will help you. You’ll have our constant support.”

  She was trying so hard to cheer me up. I didn’t deserve her. I got down on my knees next to Sam and hugged her. “I’m so sorry for yelling at you,” I whispered in her ear. “You’re my rock. I love you, Sam.”

  Samantha pulled back and studied my face. She blinked away a tear, then placed her palms on my cheeks. “I love you, too.”

  “What’s the rest of the plan?” Rick interrupted.

  Sam started up right where she left off and I listened intently. Samantha was mapping out our futures, and she naturally assumed Rick and I would fall in line and follow her every instruction. It had always been that way. Sam was a leader, logical and brilliant. I had to admit, in that moment, I would have done anything she desired.

  I made spaghetti and meatballs with some warm garlic bread for dinner. We sat around the coffee table, Indian-style, eating in front of the brick fireplace. The fire gave off an ambient glow. I couldn’t help but think how lovely Sam looked in the shadows of the fireside.

  After dinner, Rick found the set of gambling chips in the coat closet, so we decided to play cards. “How about strip poker?” Rick grinned mischievously.

  “In your dreams, dude,” I said, shuffling the cards.

  “Why don’t we use quarters?” Sam suggested.

  “Wow, you’re a big spender,” Rick deadpanned.

  “Why don’t we just play for fun?” I intervened, divvying out the chips.

  We played until we were tired. I watched Rick and Sam walk down the hall to their bedroom hand in hand. The embers of the log fire were dying, but I didn’t want to go to my bedroom and be alone. I missed Jenna, but she’d had to stay behind to finish out the school year.

  Rick and Sam were the most loyal and brave friends a person could have. They were my family and I loved them unconditionally. Being me was a lonely existence and if it hadn’t been for my friends, I doubt I would have made it through my teenage years. In a way, they were my emotional crutch.

  I poked the remainder of the fire to make sure it was extinguished, then headed down the hall to my bedroom. As I neared Rick and Sam’s room, I heard the sound of soft moans. The door was slightly ajar and I caught a brief glimpse of them. Rick removed Sam’s shirt, then gently laid her on the bed.

  At that moment, Sam realized the door wasn’t completely closed and I was standing outside, quiet and unmoving. She pushed Rick back. “Hold on,” she said, pointing in the direction of the cracked door and me standing on the other side.

  Rick stood up and opened the door, his brown hair tousled and his tee shirt in his hand. “What’s wrong, Jake?” he asked, slightly short of breath.

  I didn’t respond. I just stood still like a statue, a single tear running down my cheek. “Oh, Jake,” Samantha sighed as she threw her arms around me. Rick was baffled. He simply shrugged his shoulders and grabbed us both, pulling Sam and me into a bear hug.

  “I just can’t be alone tonight,” I admitted, choking back tears.

  Sam moved to kiss me on the cheek, but I turned my head and my lips met hers. It was a stupid move. I braced myself, figuring Rick would punch me in the gut. Instead, he put his hand on my shoulder, assuring me everything was okay. I looked at Sam surely she would land me one mean right hook for taking advantage of her kindness. To my astonishment, Sam gently caressed the side of my face.

  We were standing in a circle, holding hands, and suddenly I felt at peace. I closed my eyes and let the feeling wash over me, clearing my mind of all the negative thoughts and fear. It took a moment for my brain to register that we were no longer holding
hands. My friends’ hands were now pulling the cotton polo shirt over my head and unzipping my trousers. Soon, Sam’s lips were kissing my neck. Sam ran her soft, delicate hands along my abs. My eyes flew open. What was happening? Why was my heart pounding in my chest? Sam continued to kiss my torso and then she reached for my erection. I became dizzy with ecstasy as she took my enlarged cock into her mouth. I had to place my hands on her shoulders to steady myself.

  When I began to tremble, they pulled away, much to my dismay. “Come on, Jake. Lie down,” Rick whispered, pulling me to the mattress.

  My friends removed the rest of their clothes until they were naked, like me. Sam straddled me and began a slow rhythmic rocking motion. “I don’t have a condom,” I panicked in a barely audible voice.

  “It’s okay. I’m on the pill,” she admitted, easing my mind.

  Rick lay on his back, sharing my pillow, looking at the girl he loved, her long, brunette hair covering her breasts. My brain was foggy, like one of those weird dreams you have after eating really late at night before you go to sleep. I turned to look at Rick. His gaze was intense as he watching Sam make love to me. I began thrusting my pelvis harder into Samantha. She must have sensed I couldn’t hold on much longer, because she dismounted and took my cock into her mouth while stroking the shaft with her hand. I let go of Rick and pulled Sam’s head closer to my body, gasping as I exploded into her mouth.

  Rick was anxious. He knelt behind Samantha and entered her. Her breasts rubbed against my chest as Rick thrust in and out of her. I couldn’t believe this was happening as I watched Rick make love to Sam. Images swirled in my brain: the look of sheer joy on Rick’s face, the quickened breath of Sam covering my skin, the musky smell of sex as our bodies perspired. I wanted to stay like this forever. Watching them go at it only filled me with more excitement. I didn’t even think it possible that I would be able to go again so soon. I grabbed my cock and implored Rick with my eyes please. Rick withdrew and I slipped my fully erect cock inside Sam.