Cazzo: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 3)

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  “Where’s Vanessa?”

  “She’s leaving. Off to find a new life for herself.”

  “You’re letting her go?”

  “She says she needs it. After I almost got her killed, it’s probably for the best. I need to deal with that and she’s still trying to deal with the fact that I almost killed myself. She doesn’t trust me anymore.”

  “Do the rest of us need to worry about that?”

  “Cap, it was the perfect storm of shitty things. I had a momentary lapse in judgement brought on by lots of alcohol. It won’t happen again. I’m not in that place any more.”

  “I want to believe you, Cazzo.”

  “But you don’t.”

  He shook his head. “Not yet. You can’t just walk in here and tell me it’s all better. You’re off the team. Go home and get your shit together. Do your PT and get back in fighting shape.” He tossed a business card at me. “See a shrink. If he clears you and says that you’re not going to put a bullet in your head, we’ll reassess your employment here. Until then, you’ll still get a paycheck. You were injured while working here and I’m not going to cut that off until you’re back to one hundred percent. Besides, you invested in this company, so you still have that.”

  “What if I don’t want to come back?”

  I saw something flicker in his eyes and for a moment I thought it was relief. That fucking hurt more than I wanted to admit.

  “As your boss, I would say that’s a decision only you can make. As your friend, I would ask you to strongly reconsider. You’re one of the people I trust most in this world and I don’t want to think about running this company without you. It’s going to be hard enough coming into work and knowing you won’t be here for a while.”

  I shot him a look that said I didn’t believe a fucking word he said.

  “Fine. You used to be one of the people I trusted most. Now I just don’t know. So much shit has happened and it’s gonna take time. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want you here. I just need to see that you’re better before we move forward.”

  I blew out a breath and stood. Taking my cane, I made my way over to the door. “Maybe Vanessa had the right idea when she left. Maybe this isn’t the job for me any more.”

  Cap looked devastated. I wasn’t trying to deal out any low blows or make him feel like shit, but maybe what I needed was something else entirely. Something to help me regain my focus and figure out what I wanted for the rest of my life, whether that included Vanessa or not.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  I walked in the door and knew instantly that she was gone. It’s not like I had asked her to stay with me for a little while longer, and I had already run out of the house after I told her goodbye. There was no reason to think that she would stay. It was ridiculous really. She had told me what she needed and I had accepted that, but I had held out just a little hope that she would change her mind and still be here.

  I understood her reasons for leaving. If she always wondered if she had made the right decision to stay, then I would always wonder if she really wanted to be here. And as much as she said that this had nothing to do with me, I wondered if my attempted suicide had more of an effect on her than she let on.

  I felt lost as I walked around the house. Before she came to stay with me, I had relished having my space to myself. Even when I was feeling down about not being able to walk, I hated to be around other people. Now John, Jules, and Chris were gone also and it had never been so quiet or lonely.

  I went to my bedroom and stared at the bed that I had shared with her for a short time. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in it yet, so I went back to the couch and laid down, turning on the TV for background noise. I dozed off at some point during the night and woke up to see that Dirty Dancing was on. I almost flipped it off because it was a chick flick and I didn’t watch that shit, but then something got to me and I found myself staring at the screen.

  I had watched this movie with my mom a few times and had always pretended to hate it, but the truth was, I loved to hear her sing along to the music. Baby was saying goodbye to Johnny and the first strums of She’s Like The Wind started playing. As I watched Johnny tell baby that he would never regret their time together, I couldn’t help but feel like that was me saying goodbye to Vanessa. I was wiping at my eyes by the time the scene ended and was glad there was no one around to witness me crying at a fucking movie.

  Someone pounded on my door and I cleared my throat as I swiped one last time at my face. Using my cane, I hobbled off to the door and smirked when I saw Sinner and Burg standing there with a case of beer and a case of water.

  “Heard you went a little postal while you were out. Water’s for you. Beer’s for us,” Sinner said, pushing past me into my house. I was grateful for the company. It felt so fucking lonely and I hated to admit it, but I really needed some friends right now.

  “Whatcha watching?” Burg asked. “Is this Dirty Dancing? Dude, you’re sitting in your house all alone and watching a chick flick. Looks like we came at the right time.”

  “Don’t judge. This is a classic.”

  “Yeah, a classic piece of shit,” he grumbled.

  “Hey, it’s cool with me,” Sinner said as he popped the top on his beer. “You know, every once in a while, I get tired of the action movies and blowing shit up and I just want to sit down and watch something with a good storyline. What’s wrong with that?”

  “It would be fine if you were with Cara, but we’re three fucking dudes sitting around watching a movie about dancing. You can’t tell me there’s nothing’s wrong with this picture,” Burg argued.

  “Will you two shut up?” We watched as Johnny walked into the room for the finale and over to Baby. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” I said along with Patrick Swayze.

  “I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable with this,” Burg squirmed next to me.

  “You just haven’t gotten laid in a while and you’re worried this is going to turn you gay,” Sinner quipped.

  “It hasn’t been that long, asshole.

  “You’re right. There was that girl at the bar last week.”

  “Shut it,” Burg barked.

  Sinner tipped his beer toward Burg. “She was a he.”

  My head swiveled to Burg whose face was beat red.

  “He was a very good looking she,” Burg argued. “How the hell was I supposed to know that she had a dick? It’s not like they come with a warning label.”

  “So, you brought a tranie home?” I asked. “How was she? He?”

  “I didn’t fuck her..him.”

  “Yeah, he just realized when he took off her panties that her package was a little more involved than the average woman.” Sinner smirked and drank his beer.

  “You got that far with her? Dude, you didn’t touch his junk, did you?”

  “You guys are assholes. It was an honest mistake. He was a very realistic woman.”

  “Chance knew right away,” Sinner grinned.

  “He knew? And he didn’t fucking tell me?”

  “You should have seen your face the next day. Priceless.”

  “Damn, I missed a lot while I was out of town,” I grumbled.

  “Sounds like you had your own fun,” Sinner looked at me curiously.

  “I wouldn’t exactly call it fun.”

  Sinner shrugged. “Job’s done. In the end, that’s all that matters.”

  The credits rolled at the end of the movie and Burg picked up the remote to flip the channel, but the bottom of the screen showed that the next movie was Titanic.

  “No, wait. Don’t change it. I haven’t seen this movie in forever,” Sinner said.

  “Seriously? We’re going to watch another sappy movie?” Burg asked. “I didn’t come here to get in touch with my feminine side.”

  “Hey, it’s just the three of us. No one here is judging if you let your hair down and get in touch with your inner Burg,” Sinner poked.

  “Look on the bright side,” I turned to Burg.
“We get to watch a bunch of people die at the end. And tits.”

  “There is that,” he agreed.

  “I really like the costumes in this movie,” Sinner pointed out the women’s clothes as the rich women boarded the boat. “And look at those men. They look fucking killer. I mean, if you lived back then, how cool would it be to wear a fucking top hat?”

  “Could you imagine wearing that shit all the time, though? Dress shoes and suits? Did they even have bathrooms back then?” I asked.

  “So, you shit outside. Not a big fucking deal. We’ve all had to dig a latrine before.” Sinner shrugged his shoulders and stood up from the couch. “I’m going to make popcorn. Who wants another beer?”

  “There’s a cooler in the back hall. Just throw some ice in it and bring all that shit in here,” I yelled.

  The doorbell rang and I sighed in irritation. My movie was playing and I didn’t want to miss it. I pulled open the door to see Cap and Derek standing on the other side.

  “Is this some kind of intervention?”

  “We just came to see how you were doing,” Derek said.

  “Beer’s here!” Sinner announced as he pulled the cooler into the living room. “Hey, fuckheads, you’re just in time for the movie. We’ve got popcorn and beer.”

  “Cool. Whatcha watching?” Derek asked, walking in and taking off his jacket. He sat down on the couch and pulled a bowl of popcorn off the table and leaned back. “Titanic. I haven’t seen this in a while.”

  I eyed Cap questioningly. “You’re not gonna try to do shrink shit with me, are you?”

  “Just came to hang out.” I gestured for him to come in and he sat down in an armchair and grabbed a beer. “So, why are we watching girly movies?”

  “Hey, this is a classic,” Sinner said.

  “That’s what Cazzo said about the last one. He had on fucking Dirty Dancing when we got here.”

  “Damn. We missed Dirty Dancing? That fucking sucks. I love that movie,” Derek said around a mouthful of popcorn.

  I was just sitting down when someone pounded at the door again. “Goddamnit. Were you all planning this? Door’s open,” I shouted from my seat on the couch. Hunter, John, Jules, and Chris all walked in and looked around questioningly.

  “Did we miss the invitation?” Jules asked.

  “We’re going to need more popcorn,” Sinner said as he got up from the couch and headed for the kitchen.

  “And beer,” Burg shouted. “Especially if we’re watching this piss.”

  “Find a seat,” I said with a wave of my hand. Luckily, I had a huge living room and there was at least plenty of floor space.

  “Titanic? Really?” Chris asked.

  “Would you shut the fuck up?” Derek said. “I’m trying to watch the movie.”

  “I’m revoking all your man cards,” Chris said, pointing at everyone, but he sat down in Sinner’s seat and before too long was leaning forward, watching the movie intently. He reached over into my bowl and munched on popcorn. Sinner came back in and smacked Chris upside the head when he saw that he’d taken his seat.

  “You took my seat, asshole.”

  “Shut it. I’m trying to watch the movie,” Chris mumbled.

  I pulled out a water and drank it down as I ate my popcorn and watched the movie. Occasionally, one of the guys would make a comment, but mostly, all of us watched in fascination.

  “Dude, he should have just let her fall off the fucking boat if she hated her life that much,” Burg said.

  Images of Vanessa falling into the water and almost drowning flashed in front of my eyes and I had to get up and walk away before I lost my shit. I headed out to the back deck and sat down in a chair. I couldn’t stop seeing Vanessa in that water and it was killing me more and more every time I saw her. I thought I had a handle of this. I thought I was over what happened. I still blamed myself, but I didn’t think I would start seeing her floating in that water at random moments.

  “You okay?”

  Chris was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.

  “I can’t get the images out of my head.” I shook my head in frustration. “I can still see her floating in the water.”

  “It’s going to take time. You can’t make that shit go away over night.”

  “Something’s gotta give. She left yesterday and I can’t help but wonder if it had something to do with me.”

  “You mean because she almost died?”

  “That or because of what I did. It doesn’t make sense. One minute, she’s telling me she loves me and the next, she’s walking out the door. It was like, after that happened, our whole relationship changed. She just wanted to get away, and I can’t say I blame her. I’m a fucking wreck.”

  He tipped his cowboy hat back as he walked over to the porch railing and leaned against it. “When I was seventeen, my brother got involved in a gang. We had a shitty upbringing. Our parents didn’t give a shit about us, so he got into a lot of trouble. I thought that if I joined too, I could watch his back. I hadn’t been initiated into the gang yet when they killed him. He had done something stupid and they killed him right in front of me. I kept telling myself that if I had joined sooner, I might have saved him.”

  “That’s different. You weren’t responsible for his death.”

  “No and I can see that now, but it took a long time to accept that. But you have to remember that Vanessa didn’t die. She’s still out there living life. So, stop blaming yourself for something that you can’t change. Everything turned out fine and playing it over and over in your head is only going to fuck with your head.”

  “Do you still see your brother being murdered?”

  “I don’t see it as often during the day, but they’re always in my nightmares. There’s just some shit that you don’t ever get past.”

  I stared off into the distance, but Chris interrupted my thoughts. “Come on. Sitting out here isn’t going to make you forget. Let’s go watch some girly shit.”

  We went back inside and were just getting to the part where Jack and Rose have sex. We were running low on popcorn by the time the movie was ending, but I didn’t want to get up and miss the very end.

  “That door would have held both of them, selfish bitch,” Jules muttered.

  “It might have held both of them, but then they would have been sitting in water and might have frozen before the boat came back,” Sinner said.

  “That’s besides the point,” Derek argued. “The whole point is that Jack taught her to live and she vowed to do that after he died. What would they have done if they had both survived? Go live happily ever after?”

  “Well, yeah. That’s kind of the point of a romantic movie,” John argued.

  When the movie ended, the guys got up like they were going to head out, but then stopped when they saw The Notebook was coming on. I rolled my eyes, but was happy they were staying. I ordered a bunch of pizza and paid extra for them to deliver out here.

  “I can’t believe she slept with him while she was engaged to someone else,” Burg said. “Once a cheater, always a cheater. I would never trust a woman if she slept with me while she was with someone else.”

  “But they do have explosive chemistry,” Derek said as he ate another slice of pizza.

  “Uh, what did we just walk in on?”

  All of us whipped our heads to the door where Lola and Cara stood with raised eyebrows.

  “Are you watching The Notebook?” Lola laughed.

  “It’s a classic,” Derek, Sinner, and Burg said at the same time.

  “Uh, Mark, you said that you were just stopping by to say hi. You’ve been gone all day,” Cara said.

  Sinner shrugged and pointed at the TV. “We were watching Dirty Dancing and then Titanic came on. I couldn’t leave during that.”

  “And now?” she asked.

  “Come on. Everyone else gets to stay,” he whined.

  “Fine, but I get to choose the next movie.” Cara walked over to Sinner and sat on his lap.
When the movie ended, she flipped through the channels and found The Bridges of Madison County.

  “That’s my cue to leave,” Derek said, rising to his feet.

  “What? Why are you leaving?” Cara asked.

  “Watching a chick flick with you? Kind of weird.”

  “Right, and it’s not at all weird that you guys were sitting around together watching romantic movies,” Lola snorted.

  “Yeah, I think I’m out too,” Burg said.

  “I guess that means I’m leaving too,” Sinner plopped Cara on the ground and stood, giving me a fist bump as he walked to the door.

  “As much as this has been an enlightening experience, I’m gonna head out, too.” Hunter followed everyone else out. Cap got up to follow, but John, Chris, and Jules stayed behind. When I saw that they weren’t leaving, I shut the door and plopped back down on the couch.

  “Let me have it.”

  “Why the hell did you go to Cap?” Chris asked.

  “What? Why the hell wouldn’t I?”

  “You should have given us a chance to tell him about it. You made yourself look like a fucking asshole,” John said. “He called me and told me the story you gave him. He said that you took all the blame.”

  “Because it was my fault,” I said slowly.

  “How many times do we have to tell you that it’s on all of us? We all fucked up.”

  I sighed and rested my head against the back of the couch. “Can we not go over this again? I’ve had enough of this shit for one weekend.”

  “Cap also said that you might not come back. What the hell are you going to do?” Jules asked.

  “I don’t know. I’m just wondering if this is really what I should be doing. I made some bad judgement calls.”

  “So, you’re just going to run away?” Chris scoffed.

  “Let me ask you, do you trust me right now?”

  Chris clenched his jaw and looked away. I looked at John.

  “What about you?”

  He shook his head as he looked at the ground. “Cazzo, it’s not that simple.”

  “What about you?” I asked Jules.

  “I want to.”

  I nodded. “So, no one would be confident enough to work with me, but you don’t want me to leave. What the hell am I supposed to do? You want me to take a desk job?”