Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  “Be my girlfriend, Sophia.” I didn’t know how to respond. Things seemed to be moving fast and I wasn’t sure I could give someone else my love.

  “Kyle, we’ve just known each other for a few weeks!”

  “And look how we are. You make me so happy and you are truly inspirational. Look at everything you have done and accomplished. You are amazing Sophia and I want us to be official.” I haven’t been called amazing in so long and it felt good. When I looked in his eyes, I saw his genuine want for me.

  “Kyle, I don’t know.” I looked at him again and saw Adam’s face. I wish it were Adam sitting before me. I didn’t want to say yes when my heart still ached for Adam.

  “Think about it because I know I want to be with you.”

  I hesitated. I was beginning to get scared. “Oh Kyle…” was all I could say before he interrupted me.

  “Wait before you say anything else. Open this.”

  He handed me a box that had Cartier across the top and I knew I had the most shocked expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was holding. I slowly opened the box and saw the most beautiful pair of diamond studded earrings, “Oh my God, Kyle! These are beautiful!” I turned the box at every angle and looked at them. The earrings were beautiful but a part of me felt guilty. Was he buying my love? I kept reminding myself Adam was gone and living his own life, far away from me, so I should do the same.

  “Just like you Sophia. So what do you say? Will you be my girlfriend?” His tone was sweet and when I looked into his eyes, I melted.

  Adam wasn’t here but Kyle is, and it wasn’t as though I didn’t like him because I do. He is a great guy and I figured I’d give him a chance. “Aw Kyle,” I replied shaking my head, “Yes, yes I will.”

  The sweet and romantic Kyle I knew was gone and a part of me wants him back. The first few months were great. He treated me like a princess and was always there. He was patient and understanding but one night he wanted to take our relationship to the next level and make love, but I wasn’t ready. After that night, things changed. He didn’t leave me cute notes anymore or spend time with me in my room. He was distant and made excuses as to why he didn’t want to spend time with me. It kept me up at night wondering how he could turn like that. He used to make me feel special and wanted. The smallest things triggered his anger. I thought about how different my life would have been if Adam and I had gotten together. He never treated me horribly.

  I get to the restaurant and text Kyle to let him know that I’m here. The hostess greets me at the door and leads me to the booth in the corner. There are not too many people here and it is nice to be alone.

  “Enjoy your dinner. Your server will be with you in a moment.” She smiles and walks away.

  “Thank you,” I respond. I open the menu and look through my options. I’m dieting and working out a lot thinking it would help Kyle treat me better. I’m not unhappy with how I look-I like my curvy and petite body but I want to feel tone and fit. I’m craving chicken Alfredo pasta with calamari but I immediately think about what Kyle and quickly settle on a salad with soup. I close the menu and pull out my phone to see if there’s a text from him. No response yet.

  “Hi, welcome to Parker’s. My name is Alexander and I will be your server this evening. Would you like something to drink?” I look up and see the tall and slim waiter. He looks young and nice with his shaggy brown hair and brown eyes.

  “Just water with a lemon please,” I order.

  “Not a problem, be right back.” He said with such sweetness.

  I turn back to my phone and dial Kyle’s number. The phone rings a few times before he answers. “What?”

  I can’t believe how rude he sounds. “Um hi, where are you?” I keep a cheery voice in hopes not to make him mad. He said he likes to hear me happy and when I’m sad, it just makes him mad.

  “Why?” His loud voice scares me to the point where I almost drop my phone.

  “Well you told me to meet you at Parker’s for dinner and I’m here.” I get nervous and start stuttering my words. “Do-do you want me to order you anything?”

  There’s silence on the other end and I wonder where the hell he is. “Just have dinner without me. I’m busy at the gym.” Before I can answer he hangs up. I slam my phone on the table and feel the anger run through me. I didn’t do anything wrong!

  The waiter comes back again with my water. “Here you go hun. Are you ready to order?”

  “Just a chicken salad with no dressing and the gnocchi soup please,” I quietly tell him.

  He jots down my order and takes my menu. “No problem and please let me know if you need anything.” He smiles at me before leaving.

  I think about how I’m going to break up with Kyle. Every scenario I play in my head ends badly. He doesn’t take rejection well and I know that leaving him will cause problems.

  The salad and soup come out within a few minutes and I eat in silence. It feels weird being here alone and I’m beginning to hate Kyle with each forkful of food. I put my fork down and lean back against the booth and close my eyes. Adam comes to mind. He’s the one-my only one. Right when I open my eyes to finish my soup, I look up and see Connor coming toward me. What the hell is going on? First Adam and now Connor, I wish I never came here tonight. I’m not ready for this.

  Adam’s parents adopted Connor when he was eight after his parents died in a car accident. We were all best friends until that night I went to their house making a scene. Connor was a big part of my life and I missed him, but his pained expression was frozen in my mind from the night I ended our friendship.

  “Hey Soph,” Connor stands next to me. His voice is upbeat and happy. “Can I sit here?” He asks pointing to the opposite side of the booth. He looks happy to see me, which is weird. I look around the restaurant before I answer him. No one can see Connor sitting here with me. I sink lower in the booth and try to hide. Connor gives me a weird look before he sits down. I didn’t think he would want to talk to me. I feel panicky all of a sudden. I see the smile on his face and it starts to bother me. “What’s up Connor?”

  He looks at me again. “Nothing I saw you here and wanted to say hi. Where’s Kyle?”

  I shrug, “He stood me up.”

  His left eyebrow shoots up. “Wow I’m sorry.”

  “It is ok Connor, really.” I try not to sound weird. My hands start to get clammy and I feel nervous. I hear the door open and quickly look up to see who came in. Good not Kyle or any of his friends.

  Connor touches my hand and I jerk it away. “Hey what’s wrong?”

  I look down again, “Oh no-nothing. Kyle he um gets kind of jealous when I’m with friends.” I feel ashamed that I’m telling him this.

  “Do you want me to go?”

  I hope I’m making the right decision. “No please stay.”

  “Ok good. It’s been a while and I want to see how you’re doing. You look really good.”

  This is uncomfortable. Should I ask him why he’s here? “Thanks Connor, you do too.” I pause and think about what to say next. Hopefully we can make conversation and not sit here in an awkward silence. “Hey! You played great last week. Fifteen points, not bad!”

  Connor laughs. I miss his laugh. I miss him. “Thanks Soph. It was a good game but Kyle’s been riding our asses lately. Want to tell your boyfriend to chill?” He says still laughing.

  I shake my head. “I don’t think he’d like that too much.” My voice gets soft and I look away.

  Connor laughs. I miss his laugh. I miss him. “Thanks Soph. It was a good game but Kyle has been riding our asses lately. Want to tell your boyfriend to chill?” He says still laughing.

  I shake my head. “I don’t think he’d like that too much.” My voice gets soft and I look away.

  He immediately takes my hand and it surprises me. His warm touch makes me feel a little better. “Hey if I said anything wrong I’m sorry. I was only kidding about telling that to Kyle.” I can tell he is starting to feel bad.

 
; My expression softens and I hold his hand tighter. “No no don’t worry. We’re just not getting along but its fine.” I don’t want Connor to worry about me so I play it off as if it really isn’t anything. “Want some of my salad and soup?” I slide the plate and bowl over to him.

  “Thanks I’m hungry.” Connor starts eating. I watch him eat and wonder what is going on in that head of his. “So, Adam said he saw you today.” He looks up at me smiling.

  “Yeah,” I look down again. I hate that they talk about me. I’m curious to know what they’ve been saying about me. How is it in one day I get both Adam and Connor? I want to think this is the start of our friendship again. I want them both back in my life. I want to feel complete and whole. I think about Adam again. I think about his smile and how I feel when he’s nearby. I want him back. “Alright so what did he tell you?”

  “He said you just stared at him.” Connor’s laughs loudly. “Couldn’t say anything?”

  “Stop,” I throw a piece of bread at him and pout my lips. This is so embarrassing. What else does Connor know? “It wasn’t like that!”

  “Yeah ok,” Connor finishes eating and looks at me with tender eyes. “You know he misses you right? We both do.” He tilts his head to the side while looking at me. His eyes become soft and he gives me a look letting me know how he’s feeling. Connor and I have a connection that most people search their whole lives for. It’s not a romantic connection, but, we just understand one another without saying a word.

  “He never came after me.” Oh crap. Connor’s eyes grow threatening and I know he’s mad. I look away. I can’t stand when he looks at me like that.

  “He wanted to Soph. You don’t get it.” He slides the plate and bowl away and reaches for my hand. “Why do you think we’re back? You need to accept that someone loves you. He wants to be with you. Just talk to him.”

  Connor captures my attention. “What do you mean? If he wants me then he’ll come after me Connor. We pass each other all the time but he doesn’t stop and talk to me.”

  Connor darts his eyes toward me. “Women are so dense sometimes. He gave you space Soph but now he’s back. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

  I think about what he says. I’m still in love with Adam and now that he’s back, my love for him only grows. I do want him to know what’s in my heart. I want to look him in the eyes and have him touch my heart. I want him to feel my emotions. Maybe Connor’s right. “I don’t know.” I respond not looking at him.

  “Whatever Soph, you’re the one that’s being unfair.”

  As our eyes meet, I squeeze his hand again and smile. We stay like this for a few moments. It’s nice to have him around. Connor gets up to leave. “Thank you for sharing your dinner with me Soph, but I got to get going.” He smiles, “Please think about what I said. It was good seeing you. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “You too Connor,” I watch him leave and slump in the booth. I’m utterly shocked and pinch myself to make sure I’m awake and not dreaming. The server comes back, “Can I get the check please?”

  “Oh hun your boyfriend,” he points toward the door Connor just walked out of, “He paid for it all, so no worries.” He gives me a smile and walks away.

  I giggle at the word boyfriend but I didn’t correct him. It doesn’t surprise me that Connor paid for dinner tonight. I smile to myself and start to relax. Does it mean we’re ok again? He’s right. Adam’s back and now we have the chance to try and rebuild our friendship.

  I get my purse and walk out of the restaurant. The sun is beginning to set. The colors of red, orange, yellow and light purple light the sky. I love watching sunsets. It’s peaceful and helps me unwind. I walk slowly back to campus as my mind thinks about Adam and everything Connor said. If Adam still loves me, does that mean he’ll tell me or show me? Do I have to make the first move? All of these questions crush my mind and a headache comes on. I need advice now! I pull out my phone and call Erin.

  “Hey girl what’s up?” Her cheerful voice makes me laugh.

  “Hey. So I just had dinner with Connor since Kyle stood me up.” I know Erin’s going to freak out and give me more to think about.

  “Whoa! What?” Erin screams.

  I continue walking back to campus. “Yep, Erin he told me that Adam loves me and came back for me!”

  “No freaking way! Soph! That’s incredible. You know what this means right?”

  I immediately stop. I can’t. There’s no way I can make the first move. “What?” I quietly ask.

  “You need to break up and get your man! Or at least get him back as a friend. Do something, anything!”

  “I can’t.”

  “Can’t or won’t? Are you going to live in your room and block out everyone? You need to live your life. Life is all about taking chances Sophia. Stop being a little shit and get moving!”

  She’s right. I know she’s right. I have to start living my life. I can’t hide anymore. If I don’t do this I’ll lose him again and I can’t have a life without him. I want to make it up to him. “Maybe you’re right.”

  “I am always right!” She giggles.

  “Yes you are,” amusement in my tone, “alright I’m back on campus.”

  “Do you want to hang out tonight?”

  I wish I could be a normal girl and have a girl’s night but Kyle hates it. He can go out and have fun but he wants me to stay behind unless I’m by his side. I can’t wait for this to be over. “Kyle’s coming over tonight. I’m sorry.” I feel bad for ditching my best friend.

  “Sophia...” Erin starts to say.

  “I know I know! I need to figure this all out. Can we talk later?”

  “Yeah no problem honey, just call me later.”

  “Ok I will.” I hang up with Erin and make it to my room. My mind keeps thinking about Kyle and Adam. I start to compare both of them and Adam always wins out. My face scrunches and a sharp pain hits my chest. I hate not having him in my life. I want him to know how sorry I am. I can’t stay away anymore.

  I feel my phone vibrate in my purse. I pull it out of my bag and look at the caller ID. Kyle. I don’t want to answer the phone but I know that if I ignore him, we will fight so to avoid confrontation I pick up his call. “Hi,” is all I can say.

  “Hey babe, sorry about earlier, you caught me off guard. I lost track of time and forgot about our date.”

  How can he sound so upbeat and happy after talking to me like I mean nothing to him? “It’s ok Kyle. Am I going to see you tonight? Are you going to sleep over?” I have to hide how I really feel. I can’t say anything or let him know how upset I am.

  “Yeah babe I’m in your room waiting for you.” His voice is seductive and full of want. I’m not in the mood to do that to him. I hate it. I hate him.

  “Well I am almost there so I will see you soon.”

  “Can’t wait babe,” He said.

  I look at my phone again and see the words disconnected. I take the stairs, one by one, to get to my room. I hesitate before putting my hand on the door handle. I can do this. I need to do this. He can’t do this to me anymore. I deserve my happily ever after. I close my eyes and picture Adam, his face and the love in his eyes. He gives me the strength I need to make it through. I know I can do this. When I open the door, I see Kyle sitting on my bed. I walk over to him and give him a kiss. “Hi honey.”

  He grips my hips and licks his lips. “You look so hot babe.” I place my hands on his shoulder and give him a smile. I know it’s fake. I hate his touch. I hate him.

  “I’m going to change so I’ll be right back.” I give him another kiss and go to get my things together to get ready for bed.

  Kyle gets up from my bed and walks over to me. I feel his breath on my neck. He turns me around and cradles my face. There’s an unreadable expression on his face and out of nowhere he pushes me in the corner. The back of my head hits the wall and I instantly feel dizzy. My eyes start to tear up but before I can say anything, Kyle punches me in the stomach. He holds me by t
he collar of my shirt and shakes me. “Kyle, please stop. You’re hurting me.” He stops for a minute to look at me. I think about giving him a hug and telling him it’s ok but then the darkness takes over and he pushes me to the floor. “Kyle, please stop. You’re hurting me!” I yell as I hold my stomach. But he doesn’t stop. He keeps punching me over and over again. I start to blame myself. This is my fault. I should have left him when he first put his hands on me. I try to push him away but he won’t stop. My face is on fire. The tears start to come and I try to get up and push him away but he kneels before me holding my wrists.