tippingthescales_GEN

by Michelle Hoppe

  Great Mare, make him think you’re a rude bitch.

  Don’t start!

  Zipping.

  Mary stood there trying to decide if she should leave or apologize…again. Before she could make a decision, he was talking to her again.

  “Please wait, I’m sorry. It’s just I remember you from the other day in the store. I wanted to apologize for making you uncomfortable. I feel real bad about it and if you’ll let me, I’d like to buy you a cup of coffee or something to make it up to you.”

  Mary was shocked. Why would he apologize? She’d made a fool of herself, not the other way around, “I’m late getting back to work, I can’t,” she said as she started to walk around him.

  “Wait.” He touched her elbow. “At least tell me your name.”

  “Mary.”

  “Hi Mary, I’m, Eugene. It’s nice to meet you.” He offered her his hand.

  Touching his hand for half a second, Mary responded. “It’s nice meeting you too.” Having gotten the words out, Mary quickly rushed forward to the gate. Exiting the park, she turned right and briskly walked back to the second-hand store where she worked.

  So much for today’s horoscope.

  I didn’t read it. Mary didn’t want to discuss her sign with the bitch in her head. She needed to get back to work.

  Well, I did! You’re supposed to find romance and love.

  Hogwash.

  It’s too late anyway. You’ve most likely scared him away.

  He’s not my type.

  Mary knew this wasn’t true. Eugene was her type. She could feel the heat just thinking about getting him alone in a dressing room and having her way with him.

  Is anyone your type?

  Will you just go away and let me handle our love life!

  Sometimes Mary really wanted to strangle the little voice in her head with the sarcastic attitude.

  * * * *

  Eugene arrived at his apartment, tired and sore after working in the deli all day. His only desire—a hot shower and some food. Walking quickly into the bedroom, he stopped dead in his tracks when he came face to face with George Washington.

  “Good God, man, you scared the shit out of me.”

  “Watch your language, Cupid, He is probably listening to this conversation, and you know how He hates it when you use his name in that manner.”

  “Okay, okay, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to find me so quickly.”

  Eugene watched a look of wonder cross the president’s face.

  “For crying out loud, what did you expect?” George demanded. “You leave Uranus without warning, take it upon yourself to toss out the plan of the council and get a job in a delicatessen slicing meat and making sandwiches. What the billy-blue-blazes did you expect?”

  Eugene was always amazed at how quickly George adopted the various phrases used by other council members. Hoping to overcome his image as a stodgy old president, he really worked to include colorful metaphors in his speech. “I expected you all to give me a little bit of leeway in implementing your plan. Cripe sakes, George! I know these humans better than the council. Most of the dead ones haven’t interacted with humans in thousands of years. They can’t possibly know the best way to deal with them.”

  “Darn it, Cupid, stop calling us dead ones. You know we are The Benevolent Order of Heavenly Souls.”

  “Yeah, yeah, the damn name is too long and don’t get me started on the acronym. What the hell is a TBOHS? Dead ones is easier to remember and faster to say, so live with it!”

  “Cupid, I didn’t come here to argue with you. I’m actually here to let you know the council isn’t upset with this change.”

  “Lovely of them to be so understanding!” Eugene tried to sound bored.

  “They want you to work with Mary Smith, find her a boyfriend. See if you can get them to fall in love without using arrows.”

  “Mary Smith. Who the hell is Mary Smith? No wait, you mean the girl from the park today. Good Zeus, you want the impossible.”

  “Good Zeus?” The look on George’s face was worth all this frustration.

  “Hey, you’re the one who said not to use God’s name any more. I’m just trying to swear without offending you or the big cheese.”

  “Cute. Real cute! Why does everything have to be a joke with you?”

  “Okay, all kidding aside, how the hell do you expect me to find a man for Mary? Did you all take a good look at her? Besides, she talks to herself.”

  “So much the better, Cupid, if you can work your magic on her, the rest of the population should be a piece of cake.”

  “Sure, pineapple upside-down cake.”

  “What do upside down pineapples have to do with cake? I don’t understand.”

  Eugene had to work hard not to laugh at the stricken look on old George’s face.

  “Oh, I don’t care and I know the rest of the council doesn’t either. Just make sure this works, whatever you call it,” George demanded.

  Eugene smiled. “Gladly! Now if you don’t mind, I’d like a hot shower and some food. This human body does take some getting used to and it needs certain maintenance on a regular basis.” Eugene waited for George to fade out of the room before stripping out of his clothes and heading for the bathroom.

  * * * *

  “I say, that went pretty well.” God said as he gazed into the vision pool, observing the conversation between Cupid and George.

  “I suppose, if you do not take all the swearing into account.” King Arthur responded.

  “Good Zeus! Come on, Art. You have to admit he’s a lot of fun to watch.

  “I am more concerned with George and his constant desire to find ways to curse without cursing.”

  “He’s getting better at it, you know?”

  “That is what I fear, Sir. By the time he adds all the slang everyone spouts to his vocabulary, we might be in trouble.”

  “Don’t worry, Art, he’ll settle on a few choice words. I’m confident of it. Now let’s get back to the business at hand.”

  “You mean keeping Cupid, or should I call him Eugene—good lord, what a choice of names and what is up with the body he chose?”

  “Can you please finish a sentence before launching into complaints?”

  “If you insist, Sir. I am not sure how we keep Eugene on track with this new twist. We have a woman, how does he plan to find a man, convince her to date this man, and finally fall in love?”

  “Breathe, Art, I have complete faith Cupid will figure it out.”

  God laughed as Arthur’s face screwed into a mass of confusion, “Sir? You know I do not breathe.”

  It took several minutes before God regained his poise. “It’s a figure of speech, Art. I know you don’t actually need to breathe.”

  “Oh.”

  “Anyway, as I said, Cupid will figure it out.”

  “You are more confident than I, Sir. My experience with Cupid is that if you leave him to his own devices for too long, he will mess things up beyond repair.”

  “I heard that.” Guinevere said as she joined them. “Give him a chance, my love, before you declare the experiment a failure.”

  “I am just saying we need to keep close tabs on what is going on.” Arthur replied.

  “And I’m saying you need to be a little less critical, my love. Do you remember what they said about you when you had the original round table built? They all believed you’d lost your mind.”

  “Do not remind me, dear lady. I wanted to behead the lot of them. Ungrateful, arrogant knights, one and all.”

  “Now, darling, don’t get upset, it was centuries ago, and your way has proven best after all.” Guinevere nodded to God for confirmation.

  “That’s true, Art. If it hadn’t worked in Camelot, do you really believe I’d have implemented it here? After all, if an idea fails on Earth, then I know it’ll most likely fail here on Uranus.”

  “Yes, we must try things there first. I just wish we could look into the future to see the results before w
e start playing with lives.”

  “You know I don’t have a crystal ball, Art. Besides, what fun is there in knowing the ending? It’s a good thing they didn’t have movies in your day; I can just imagine the fast forward button working overtime.”

  “This is exactly why we don’t have a VCR in our quarters, Sir,” Guinevere interjected.

  “I knew it. You like things too neat and tidy, Art. It’s always been your downfall. Just for once, sit back and let nature take its course.”

  Arthur didn’t look pleased with this statement, “You have seen the nature Cupid has taken. He looks like a complete…a…Guinevere, what is that word?”

  “Nerd.”

  “Yes. He looks like a complete nerd.”

  “At least he won’t have women chasing him all over the planet like last time,” God responded.

  “That is true,” Arthur admitted.

  “Good, then it’s settled. We keep watch on his progress, however, for the most part we let our boy Eugene do his thing.” Waving his hand over the water, God dimmed the vision pool. He turned to walk out of the conference room, followed closely by Arthur and Guinevere.

  Chapter 3

  Small puffy clouds rode the air currents over San Francisco Bay. Sailboats moved with fluid grace on white-capped waves, gently rolling in under the Golden Gate Bridge. Traffic seemed light for a Monday and Eugene made it to the park in record time. Starting at the gate where he’d last seen Mary, he took off in the direction she’d fled.

  With no real plan in mind, Eugene knew he had to find her first anyway. Still pissed the dead ones wanted him to use Mary for this experiment, he decided to find her, pair her up with Joe from the deli, and be done with phase one of the plan.

  Three blocks from the park, he came to a second-hand store and there, behind the counter, he found her working. Entering the doorway, he watched as she assisted a young mother with her purchase. Mary was smiling at the woman and her child as they discussed the best color for the little girl to wear. Noticing the way her eyes lit when she smiled made him rethink his first impression of her.

  She is actually quite pretty when she smiles. Moving further into the store, Eugene tried to look as if he were shopping. Walking to an area of men’s clothing, he began to search the racks for shirts his size. Unable to find anything he liked, he moved on to review the slacks. Every few minutes he would check to see where Mary was in the store and what she was doing. He knew it was only a matter of time before she approached him to see if he needed assistance.

  Each time he looked in Mary’s direction, Eugene tried to picture her in different clothing. Clothing that actually fit, instead of the oversized sweaters she seemed so fond of wearing. He wondered what Mary would look like with a little make-up on her face and perhaps a different hairstyle. Maybe even a different hair color…Stop it. Just fix her up with Joe and move on.

  “May I help you, sir?” Mary’s voice came from behind his left shoulder.

  Eugene jumped at the sound so close to his ear. He’d been so deep in thought he failed to notice her approach. “I can’t seem to find any in my size,” he replied, as he looked in her direction. He noticed her face flush the moment she recognized him.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m shopping.”

  “And you just happened to stumble into this store?”

  “No. I walked in after I saw you working here.”

  “Did you come to insult me some more?”

  Eugene wasn’t turned off by her attitude. Actually, there was a teasing quality to her voice, making it easier for him not to take her seriously. “Are you saying I can’t shop here?”

  “No.” There, that was a smile playing at the corner of her mouth.

  “Then exactly what are you saying?”

  “Nothing. This is your gig, not mine.”

  “My only plan at the moment is to find out if you have any pants in my size.”

  “Well, don’t let me stop you.” Mary’s eyes were dancing with delight.

  “But I already told you, I can’t seem to find them.”

  “Is that a request for assistance, sir?”

  God, she is beautiful when she smiles and…Stop already, your job is to find her a man. “Yeah, I need some help.”

  “What size do you wear?” Mary became all business, the perfect clerk, trying to make a sale.

  For the next thirty minutes, Eugene allowed Mary to drag him from rack to rack. By the time she escorted him to a dressing room, his arms were loaded down with more pants and shirts than ten men needed in their closet. Wanting to find an opening, he remained determined to spend time with her.

  Walking from the dressing room in a pair of cargo pants, a blue short-sleeve shirt, and bare feet, Eugene looked to Mary for confirmation he looked good. “So, what do you think?”

  “If you’re comfortable, I think you look fine.”

  “Just fine?” Eugene wanted more from her. He watched a smile light her eyes.

  “Okay, better than fine. You look great.”

  Laughing, Eugene stepped closer to Mary. Taking her hands in his, he pressed forward, “Good enough to have a cup of coffee with a beautiful woman?”

  Mary responded, pulling her hand free at the same time. “Of course.”

  “Good. What time do you get off work?”

  “Why?”

  “So we can have coffee.”

  Eugene saw a flash of pleasure in her eyes. “I never said I’d have coffee with you, Eugene.”

  Wow, she remembered my name. Eugene was stunned. “You must have coffee with me, Mary. Otherwise, I have no need to buy these clothes.”

  “Did you come in here just to tease me?”

  “I’m not teasing you. I really want to take you out for coffee. Is that so hard to believe?”

  Eugene waited for a reply. Mary’s fingers played with the hem on her blouse. He couldn’t imagine what might be going through her mind.

  “Okay.” Mary looked at him and smiled.

  “Great,” Eugene’s voice was louder than he’d meant it to be. “What time shall I pick you up?”

  “I get off at six.”

  “Wonderful. I’ll meet you out front.”

  “Okay.” Mary’s head nodded up and down as if to reinforce her acceptance.

  “Let me change out of these clothes and you can ring them up for me.”

  Mary returned to the front counter while Eugene changed back into his own clothes. This is going to be so easy, he thought. After paying for his new outfit, he headed back to the deli to see if Joe was free for the evening. But there was a niggling thought in his mind, repeating like a record caught in a groove. Not a good idea. Not a good idea!

  * * * *

  The last customers paid for their items and left the store. Mary glanced out the windows to see if Eugene was there yet. Not seeing him, her stomach did a little flip of disappointment.

  Excited are we, Mare?

  A little.

  Your horoscope said today is a good day to start a new relationship.

  Oh goodie. Can I have a replacement for you?

  Hey, if you weren’t such a hopeless case, you wouldn’t need me.

  I don’t need you, thank you very much.

  Mary would never admit it to the voice, but she enjoyed their banter most of the time.

  So you say now. You’d be lost if I left you.

  Yeah, keep thinking that.

  Don’t even go there. You know ya love me, Mare.

  Sure. If it makes you feel better, believe that.

  Stop with the insults and tell me if you’re excited about this date.

  A little.

  Mary really was looking forward to this afternoon and if she played her cards right, tonight as well.

  And? The voice demanded.

  What do you want me to say? He’s cute…

  Cute!

  Come on now, you have to admit he’s cute.

  No. But if you think so, who am I to try and pe
rsuade you otherwise?

  Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed today?

  Don’t change the subject, Mare.

  I’m not changing anything. He’s not here. End of story. Now be a good little voice and zip it.

  Mary moved around the store. She straightened shelves, turned off lights, set the alarm, and headed out the front door. Putting the key in the lock, she secured the building, and dropped the keys in her purse.

  As Mary turned to leave, she noticed Eugene standing at the curb. He had a soft smile on his face and his legs crossed over each other as he leaned against a lamppost. Mary couldn’t help smiling at him. “Hello.”

  Eugene pushed away from the metal post, walking straight toward her. “Hi. How was your day?”

  “Fine, thank you.”

  “Good. You ready to leave?” Eugene asked.

  “Yes. Where are we going?”

  “I thought we’d head to the little coffee shop down the street, if that’s okay with you?”

  “Sure.”

  Eugene took Mary’s hand, placing it on his arm, and gently pulled her along the sidewalk. “I hope you don’t mind, I invited a friend to join us.”

  Mary didn’t know what to say. Why would he ask her out, only to invite someone else along? “Who?”

  “Joe from the deli. He doesn’t get out much and seemed to be in a sad mood today. I thought it might be nice if we tried to cheer him up.”

  Great, he’s stupid. Mary’s sarcastic friend chimed in.

  How in the world did he get the idea I’d want him to bring a friend on our first date?

  Don’t ask me, Mare. You’re the one who thinks he’s is all that and a bag of chips.

  I said he looks like Adonis, not chips.

  Do me a favor, Mare, don’t be sarcastic, it’s not working for you.

  Go away.

  Turning her attention back to Eugene, Mary inquired, “Perhaps we should wait for another time. I don’t want to keep you from a friend in need.”

  Eugene smiled at her, “It’s fine really. I’m sure Joe is going to love you.”

  What the fuck?

  Finally, something we agree on!

  Mary remained silent and followed Eugene around the corner to a small coffee shop. Settling into chairs, they waited for a waitress to take their order. Less than two minutes after their coffee arrived at the table, Joe walked through the doors and joined them.