Better Than Perfect

by Kristina Mathews

  “But that didn’t stop him from sleeping with you.” Johnny tossed back the rest of the wine. “Didn’t stop him from marrying you, and raising my child as his own.”

  “We didn’t know for sure whose child he was.” She took the empty glass from him. Possibly to keep him from shattering it, he gripped it so tightly. “We didn’t want to find out. Once we made the decision to get married, we figured it was best if we just assumed Mel was the father.”

  “Best for who?”

  “All of us.” She placed a tentative hand on his arm. “Johnny, I couldn’t let you become like my father. Always wondering what could have been if I hadn’t trapped you. You would have resented me. Resented Zach.”

  “I wouldn’t.” He’d like to think that was the truth. But he couldn’t be sure. Not when baseball had been his only shot at making something of himself. If he’d been forced to give that up, yeah, he could see how he could have wound up bitter. “I would have liked the chance to prove you wrong.”

  “What would you have done if I’d come to you right away?” She asked. “Would you have come back? Given up everything you’d worked so hard for? Maybe you could have gotten a job at a casino, parking cars or making change. That would have been a dream come true.”

  “I would have figured something out.” Like waiting tables or dealing blackjack. Maybe her dad could have pulled some strings and got him on at the mine. Although the one time Johnny had met the man, neither was too impressed with the other. Johnny got the feeling Alice’s father was bitter and envious of Johnny’s college success.

  “We can’t go back and undo the past.” Alice had a slight quiver in her voice. “But maybe we can move forward. Just tell me what you want to do.”

  “I don’t know what I want.” He was still reeling from the news. “I only found out this afternoon that I might be a father. I need a little time to think.”

  “That’s fair.” She sighed and leaned against the counter next to him. “So, how did you find out?”

  “That reporter. She was suspicious of how much time I was spending with Zach.” It still made his stomach turn to think of what she’d initially thought he was capable of. Made it turn even more knowing there were people out there who would do such things. “But then she found out we had a previous relationship and did the math.”

  “Johnny, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to find out that way.”

  “Were you planning on telling me? Now that we’re…” No. They weren’t together. Not anymore. “Or were you hoping I wouldn’t figure it out eventually?”

  “I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t know how.” There was a catch in her voice. “It’s not any easier now than it would have been fourteen years ago.”

  “No. It’s not.” He pushed himself away from the counter. “I need to go. I’ve got a lot of stuff to sort out.”

  “Are you okay to drive?” She reached out to grab his arm.

  He shook her off. Didn’t want to touch her. Not right now. Maybe not ever again.

  “I’m well under the limit.” He certainly didn’t feel the effects of the glass of wine he’d drank. Or the two beers he had earlier.

  “Mel was under the legal limit, too.” She had to bring that up. “But he was upset with me. I can’t let you risk your life.”

  “I’m fine. I’m in complete control.” Like always.

  “Johnny.” She took his hand and this time he let her. “I’m so sorry. I know I messed things up. Terribly. But you have to understand, it was out of love. I didn’t want to hurt you. Please, believe me.”

  “I believe you.” He pulled away. Until now, she’d always been the one to pull away. “I just don’t know if I can forgive you.”

  * * * *

  Zach hadn’t meant to overhear the conversation between Mom and Johnny. He was going to grab a snack, but there they were, so deep in conversation they didn’t even hear him step into the kitchen.

  They were talking about him. About how Johnny might be his father. No, the way they were talking, he was his father. Only he’d just found out. And he was pretty steamed about it.

  Zach backed up, sneaking upstairs to his room.

  In a way, he was relieved Johnny hadn’t known. He hadn’t just walked away from his mom like it wasn’t his problem. Zach was glad Johnny wasn’t that kind of guy.

  But that meant his mom had been the one to keep them apart all these years. Even after his dad, or make that his stepdad, died. She’d let him go through life without a father, even though he had one. The guy he’d grown up worshipping was, in fact, his real dad. And she’d kept it from him. From Johnny, too.

  He didn’t care what her excuses were. It was just plain wrong. How could she keep something like that from him? From both of them?

  And to marry someone else, letting everyone think Mel was his dad.

  That his Grandpa Mel and Nannie Frannie were his grandparents.

  Would they stop taking him places? Like the golf course and to museums and even those art exhibits he pretended to be bored at, but secretly enjoyed? Would they stop having them over for Sunday dinner?

  Would they stop coming to his games? His school events?

  Would they stop caring about him?

  Did he have a whole other family somewhere?

  He had so many questions, but he couldn’t go to his mom like he usually did. He was pretty mad at her right now. He knew he wouldn’t be very respectful to her if he tried to talk to her. He could think of a lot of things he’d say that would be downright disrespectful. Either she was a liar or she was a slut. If she knew Johnny was his father this whole time, then she was a liar. If she didn’t know, then that meant…well, he didn’t want to think about what that meant but he’d taken Family Life in school and knew enough about how things worked.

  Maybe he should go down there and tell her he wanted to go live with his dad. That’s what Ty always said to his mom when he was really, really mad at her. It always made her cry but she’d give in to whatever Ty wanted, whether it was a new video game or to be able to go somewhere she didn’t think he was old enough to go to on his own.

  The problem with that was Zach didn’t even know if Johnny would want him. He’d been a single guy for a long time. A single, professional athlete. Surely he wouldn’t want a kid hanging around, getting in his way. Besides, Johnny would be leaving for Arizona in a few days. He’d be down there for over a month. He couldn’t live with him during the season, either. The Goliaths were on the road half the time. Sometimes for up to three weeks at a time.

  Man, this sucked. Zach grabbed a baseball and held it in his hand. For some reason that always seemed to calm him. Just feeling the rough texture of the stitches and the scuffed-up leather. He used to pretend he was like his hero. By holding a regulation baseball, he could channel Johnny Scottsdale and he, too, could be calm, cool and completely in control.

  He flopped onto his bed, turning the ball over and over in his hand as he turned the problem over in his mind.

  Johnny Scottsdale was his dad.

  Just this morning, he’d been trying to figure out how he felt about his mom and Johnny dating. He thought about what it would be like if they ended up, like, getting married. Then Johnny would be his stepdad. He kind of thought that would be cool.

  But the way they were talking, it didn’t seem like they’d be dating anymore. Not when Johnny was mad about not knowing about Zach. Maybe they’d end up fighting. Like Ty’s parents. And then Zach would be caught in the middle. Not wanting to live with either of them.

  Great. Just great.

  * * * *

  Alice found Zach already in bed. His arms were crossed over his chest and he was facing the wall. He had something in his right hand. A baseball.

  She sat carefully on the bed, hoping not to wake him. She brushed his hair off his forehead. There was barely enough light for her to make out his features. His dark eyelashes, his determined jaw, the beginnings of fuzz on his upper lip.

  Where had her bab
y boy gone? He’d grown up right before her eyes.

  But Johnny had missed it.

  “Oh, Zachie.” She never called him that anymore. It embarrassed him.

  “I love you so much.” She kept her voice low, hardly more than a whisper. “I want you to know that no matter what happens—I never, ever regretted having you.”

  She brushed a feather-light kiss on his forehead.

  “I made some difficult choices. Possibly even the wrong ones.” She hoped he wouldn’t wake before she finished what she needed to say. “But I made them all out of love. For you. And your father. How am I going to tell you that the man you thought was your father, wasn’t? And the man you saw as your hero is really your father.”

  She didn’t know how to break the news to Zach. She’d have to tell him soon, though. Before Rachel Parker went public.

  “I do know one thing.” She smiled down at her sleeping son. “Johnny will be a good dad. He’ll do his best to be there for you.”

  Johnny would be a part of Zach’s life. Of that, she had no doubt. She would just have to get used to seeing him at Zach’s school functions. Get used to dropping Zach off for visits. Picking him up when Johnny had to go on the road. Breaking her heart a little bit more each time.

  13

  Alice checked the internet. She went straight to the Bay Area Sports Network website. Rachel Parker hadn’t posted anything. Yet. Next, she went to Twitter to see if Johnny Scottsdale was trending. Nothing notable. She even checked the usual sports insider sites. No buzz there, either. If she couldn’t find any rumors when she was actively looking, it was a safe bet none of Zach’s friends would stumble across anything before she had a chance to talk to him after school. Hopefully, Johnny would come around and they could tell him together.

  Zach didn’t have much to say on the ride to school. But that had been the norm lately. He was at that phase of development where his main forms of communications were shrugs, grunts and eye rolls. She used to enjoy their rides to and from school. Now he preferred to walk home, and as much as she missed him, she knew she had to give him more freedom and responsibility. It was just so hard to think of him growing up and not needing her anymore.

  After dropping Zach off, Alice stopped by the Harrisons’ to make sure the receipts from Saturday’s benefit had been deposited. She usually took the responsibility for the cash from the bar, but when Frannie had learned Johnny was going, she’d offered to take care of everything so Alice could relax and enjoy the evening. A blush crept across her cheeks at the thought of how much she’d enjoyed her evening.

  Alice rang the bell. She normally let herself in through the kitchen, but now wasn’t sure if they were still family and felt like she no longer had the right.

  “Alice, dear, what a surprise.” Frannie brushed a quick kiss on Alice’s cheek. “What can I do for you?”

  “I just wanted to make sure the cash receipts from Saturday were deposited. Or if you haven’t had time yet, I can run over to the bank.” Her job with the foundation had been a blessing in so many ways, but she was ready to move on. Only now she wasn’t sure which direction that would be. If Johnny was in San Francisco, then Zach would need to be there too.

  “It’s been taken care of.” Frannie offered a warm smile. “Let me get a copy of the receipt for you. I already emailed it to the accountants.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate it.” With that out of the way, there wasn’t any excuse to put off the inevitable.

  “I’ll make some tea.” Frannie didn’t give her a chance to decline; she headed straight back to the kitchen. “And you can fill me in on how your date with Johnny went.”

  “It was lovely, thank you.” As much as she considered the other woman a friend, she didn’t feel like discussing her date. For some reason it felt like cheating. On a man she’d never loved in the first place. Or at least, she’d never loved Mel in that way.

  “My, didn’t Johnny look handsome all dressed up?” Frannie put the kettle on, and arranged two teacups and saucers on a tray. She dropped an Earl Grey tea bag into Alice’s cup and green tea for herself.

  “Yes. Yes, he did.” She felt her heart cracking wide open at the memory of their last night together. At least she’d had that. One final goodbye before they settled into their roles as co-parents.

  “Zach is becoming more and more handsome.” Frannie knew. It still didn’t make it easier to have this conversation. “More and more like his father.”

  “About that.” Alice waited for the kettle to finish whistling. And for Frannie to pour the hot water into both teacups. “Johnny knows he may be Zach’s father. It could become public. A reporter did some digging around and she connected the dots.”

  “I see.” Frannie’s hand shook a little as she stirred honey into her tea. “I guess it’s time to find out the truth.”

  “Yes. I wanted to tell you I’ve decided to order a DNA test.” It was almost like telling the woman she’d decided to take out a hit on her family. What was left of it.

  “That’s probably for the best.”

  “What’s probably for the best?” Mel Sr. entered the kitchen without either of them noticing. His voice sounded…different. Less commanding than usual. But maybe she was just anticipating how much he’d be hurt by losing Zach.

  “Finding out whether Johnny Scottsdale is Zach’s father or if…” Frannie couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “Johnny Scottsdale? Zach’s father?” Mel’s face drained of color. Sweat formed on his brow. He staggered backward against the kitchen counter.

  His face contorted in pain as he slumped to the floor.

  “Oh, no you don’t.” Frannie rushed over to him, reaching him right before he collapsed. She eased him to the floor and slid down next to him. “Don’t you dare leave me. You’re the only one I have left.”

  Mel moaned, so at least he was conscious. “Frannie? Frannie, I can’t catch my breath.”

  Alice reached for the kitchen phone. She called emergency dispatch and relayed the scene in front of her, Mel clutching his chest, pale and frightened. Frannie knelt beside him, so calm and strong, assuring him he was going to be fine. No, commanding him to be fine. She loosened his clothing, making him comfortable while they waited for EMTs to arrive. Within minutes, the doorbell rang. Alice slipped out to let the paramedics inside, recounted what she’d witnessed and then stood back to let them work.

  Alice felt like an outsider. Outside the family. Even outside her body. Like someone watching the scene in slow motion. She forced herself to breathe while she caught snippets of conversation.

  Cardiac arrest.

  Questions about medications Mel was currently on.

  Stabilized.

  Discussion about what hospital Frannie wanted him transported to.

  Mel was strapped to a gurney and loaded into the back of an ambulance.

  “Alice, would you be a dear and drive my car down to the hospital?” Frannie sounded perfectly calm, as if she was asking her to fetch a gallon of milk from the store.

  “Yes, of course.” Alice snapped back to reality. “Are you riding with Mel?”

  “No. But I think it would be best if I didn’t drive.” She sounded like she was in better shape than Alice, but she wasn’t going to let the other woman down. “I’ll just grab a few things in case we need to stay overnight.”

  “Sure. No problem.” Alice had a few minutes to get herself together. She cleaned up the tea and put the kitchen in order. The table had been moved to the side to make room for the paramedics. She pulled the table into place, lined the chairs up and rearranged the flowers in the vase at the center.

  “Thank you for putting everything back.” Frannie stood in the doorway, with a small overnight bag in her hand and an unsteady smile on her face. “Let’s get down there. I’m afraid Mel won’t know the name of his doctor or what medication he takes. He relies on me for everything. Of course, that’s my fault, you know. I’ve always taken care of everything for him. Let him worry about not
hing more than his work and his golf game.”

  She was babbling, but Alice didn’t think she could handle riding to the hospital in silence.

  “I’ve been after him for some time now to slow down.” Frannie let Alice open the passenger door to her Mercedes and she slid into the seat, holding her bag on her lap.

  By the time Alice reached the driver’s side, Frannie had fastened her seatbelt.

  “Maybe now he’ll listen to me.” Frannie set her bag on the floor at her feet. “The man is too stubborn for his own good. But then, I suppose most men are.”

  “Yes. They are.”

  “As much as I want him to slow down,” Frannie prattled on, “I don’t want him to be one of those old men who have nothing to occupy their time. I want to enjoy our golden years together. Spend time with our grandson…”

  Alice almost ran a red light. She braked just in time.

  “I don’t care what the DNA test says.” Frannie stared straight ahead. “Zach is our boy. We love him. And we will love him no matter what.”

  Alice wanted to acknowledge her appreciation of that sentiment, but the words caught in her throat.

  “We won’t get in the way, of course.” Frannie kept her head held high, her shoulders straight. “But it doesn’t matter to me—to us—how Zach came to be. We are just grateful that we’ve had the chance to be there as he grew up.”

  Alice turned into the parking lot of the hospital. She found a spot right up front. After shutting off the engine, she turned to the woman who’d been so much more than her mother-in-law.

  “Frannie. I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. And Zach.” She swallowed the enormous lump in her throat. “I can’t even imagine how I would have done it without you.”

  “We’re happy to have had you both in our lives.” Frannie reached across the car and took Alice’s hand. “You have always been a blessing to us. And that doesn’t change. I don’t care what the science says. That boy is family. You are family.”

  “Frannie, I appreciate the sentiment, but don’t you think we have more important things to worry about?”