My Very UnFairy Tale Life

by Anna Staniszewski

  It was Klarr.

  For a second, I just sat there, totally frozen. I had to be seeing things. There was no way the clown could have found me here. But when one of his red shoes let out a violent squeak, I snapped back to reality.

  I ran to the door that led to the Committee, but it still wouldn’t open. I spun around and let out a silent shriek. Klarr was inches away from me. His painted-on mouth was grinning like I was his new favorite toy.

  The door on the other side. If I could just make it over there, I might be able to get away.

  I tore through the room, circling around Klarr. But just as I was about to reach the other door, a bolt of rainbow-colored lightning flew out of the clown's fingers. It struck my side and pinned me against the wall.

  The energy stabbed at me like a million needles. Tears dripped from my eyes. Please, someone help me, I thought. Please.

  Klarr came toward me, his red hair bouncing up and down with each step. His painted smile stretched across his face. Leave me alone, you creepy clown! my thoughts shrieked at him. But his eyes just laughed back at me as he came closer and closer and closer…

  Chapter 9

  When I opened my eyes, it took me a minute to remember what had happened. Then it all came rushing back: the frogs, the Silence, and Klarr’s face just inches from mine. I must have passed out.

  I sat up and realized I was alone in a dim prison cell. There was no sign of the sorcerer. For now, at least, I was safe. Dr. Bradley was probably coming to rescue me at that very moment. Wait, except that after I’d gone through the portal, he hadn’t been able to see me on his big puddle screen, which meant that he had no idea where I was. How had Klarr found me there if the Committee’s location was supposed to be secret?

  I was in the same dungeon I had tried to rescue Prince Lamb from earlier that day, I realized. Or had it been yesterday? The dungeon was so gloomy that it was hard to tell if it was day or night.

  Most of the cells were empty, which meant the prisoners we’d released had managed to get away, but in the cell across from mine was the mouthless boy I’d seen earlier. He was about my age with blond, almost white, curly hair and very pale skin. He looked like he’d never been out in the sun in his life. His round brown eyes glanced over at me, and he held up his hand in a wave.

  I gave a weak wave back.

  Hello, a voice said.

  I froze.

  Don’t be afraid. It’s only me.

  The boy from the other cell waved again, but I was convinced the voice hadn’t come from him. It sounded more like it had actually been in my head.

  If you try to speak with your mind, I should be able to hear you, the voice said.

  I tried to form a coherent thought. Is this thing on?

  Yes! came the reply. The boy waved one more time.

  How are you doing this? I asked.

  It’s called mind-speaking. It’s a skill the creatures of my land developed in secret after Klarr cast his spell on us. I suppose it’s our own small form of rebellion.

  I’m Jenny.

  Welcome to the dungeon, Jenny. I’m Prince Lamb.

  I jumped off the bunk and ran to the prison bars. You’re Prince Lamb? But you’re supposed to be a sheep!

  The boy nodded sadly. Klarr changed me from my sheep form into this.

  But why?

  Because it’s better for his act.

  His act? I repeated.

  I guess humans have better acrobatic skills, said the prince. My mother will be devastated. She won’t want her son to be a freak. The prince glanced up at me. No offense.

  I probably should have been miffed at being called a freak, but all I cared about was getting out of the dungeon. I tested the metal bars of the cell, but each one felt solid, as did the lock on the door. There was a tiny window by the ceiling, but there were thick bars across it too.

  I recognize you, said Prince Lamb. You were here earlier with the two frogs. I saw Klarr attack you and take away your mouth.

  We were trying to rescue you. Now Klarr is probably going to kill me.

  If he was going to kill you, he would have done it already, said the prince. He probably only wants to torture you.

  Oh, what a relief!

  It’s not so bad, Prince Lamb replied. Then his face darkened. Except when he makes us walk the tightrope. And the trapeze gives me nightmares for days.

  Don’t worry, I said. I’ll find a way to get us out of here.

  Our conversation was interrupted by the clanging of approaching armor. Three guards came into view, and I could have laughed as I recognized their guinea-pig faces. If they were all that stood between me and freedom, things were not as bad as they seemed.

  The guards stopped in front of my cell and studied me for a moment.

  “We know you,” said one.

  “You tricked us,” said another.

  “Where did your mouth go?” asked the third.

  “She must be the one the sorcerer brought in,” said the first. The other two nodded in agreement.

  “He does like putting humans in his act,” said the second.

  “Shouldn’t he be here by now?” asked the third.

  The last guard’s words sent me into panic mode. Klarr was on his way here! I had to find a way out now!

  There had to be some way to get past the guards. I looked them over and caught sight of the keys dangling at their waists. If I could distract them and get my hands on one of those sets of keys…

  I glanced across the corridor and sent Prince Lamb a message: I have a plan. Pretend to be really sick.

  The prince looked uncertain for a moment. Then he threw himself onto the ground and started writhing in fake pain. I pointed frantically to get the guards’ attentions.

  “Something is wrong,” said one of the guards. I was impressed at how real Prince Lamb’s act looked.

  “He seems to be in bad shape,” said the second.

  “What’s the matter?” asked the third, kneeling beside the prince.

  Then I realized the flaw in my plan. The guards were so concerned about Prince Lamb that they were huddled around him, which meant they were even farther away from me than before.

  Act even worse, I told the prince. Try to scare them.

  Prince Lamb crawled toward the edge of his cell. Then he started throwing himself against the bars, as if he were trying to break them down.

  “Stop!” said one of the guards.

  “You’ll hurt yourself,” said another.

  “Help?” whimpered the third guard as he backed away. He drew closer and closer to my cell until he was right in front of me. Carefully, I reached out and wrapped my fingers around the keys. Then I lifted them off the guard’s belt and quickly hid them behind my back.

  You can stop now, I told the prince.

  Prince Lamb’s frantic movements ended. He fell onto the ground and lay still.

  “Look,” said the first guard.

  “He seems better,” said the second.

  “Do you think it’s contagious?” asked the third, his voice shaking.

  The guards looked at each other and quickly scampered down the hallway. I wanted to laugh as I held the keys up for Prince Lamb to see. His eyes lit up.

  Let’s get out of here, he said.

  As quietly as I could, I unlocked my cell door and crept over to unlock Prince Lamb’s. Finally free, we trotted down the hallway, on the lookout for any danger. When we got to the end of the corridor, we spotted the three guinea-pig guards furiously eating heads of lettuce, their ears shaking. I had never seen creatures shoveling food into their mouths so fast.

  They eat when they’re nervous, the prince told me. They probably won’t even notice we’re here.

  We tiptoed around the guards as the so
unds of crunching and munching continued. We were almost at the stairs that led out of the dungeon when a loud horn sounded outside.

  “Stop them!” one of the guinea pigs cried.

  The prince and I scrambled up the stairs as fast as we could, the guards right behind us. When we finally got out into the daylight, we darted around the circle of dancing bear statues. I glanced over my shoulder. The guards were still following, but their short legs weren’t carrying them fast enough.

  We just have to get into the woods, I said.

  We ran even faster until we were among the thick trees. The prince and I wove around branches, under vines, and over rocks. Finally, after we’d waded through a stream, the woods around us were quiet. I pulled Prince Lamb behind a giant tree stump and listened.

  I think we lost them, I said, trying to ignore the squishiness of my wet shoes. Now what do we do?

  Prince Lamb breathed hard through his nose. We must return to my kingdom.

  Are you sure you want to do that? Klarr will probably send soldiers there to look for you.

  My mother needs to know I’m all right. After that, I’ll go into hiding.

  I shrugged. My mission was to rescue the prince. If he wanted to get himself kidnapped again, that was his business.

  We continued on our way, stopping every few minutes to make sure no one was following us. We’d been lucky to lose the guards so easily.

  A long while later, when my legs were turning into jelly and my wet feet were starting to feel moldy, we came out into a clearing. I could still make out the giant towers of Klarr’s castle over the treetops.

  Can we rest for a moment? said Prince Lamb. Traveling on two legs is much more tiring than traveling on four.

  We’re still too close to Klarr’s castle, I said. We need to keep moving.

  Prince Lamb nodded, but I could see how exhausted he was. I glanced up at the castle again and caught sight of something large with glimmering wings sailing through the sky above us.

  It was Halga!

  I waved my hands in the air to get the monster’s attention, but Halga was too high up to notice. Then I remembered my bracelet. I took it off and dangled it in the air, gently moving it back and forth to make the purple gems catch the light.

  After a minute, something like a squeal came from the sky, and Halga rushed at the string of sparkling stones. When the monster was within inches of the bracelet, I pulled it behind my back.

  Halga came to a screeching halt directly in front of me. “Give me the shiny thing!” she roared.

  I shook my head and hoped I wasn’t making a big mistake.

  Halga stomped over to me. “Who do you think you are, denying me anything?” Then she sat back, puzzled. “You look familiar but different.”

  I nodded encouragingly and tried to mime a frog-like creature with my free hand.

  “You’re that girl!” said Halga. “The one that came with Crong!”

  I jumped up and down, caught in yet another bad game of charades.

  “But what are you doing here? And with no mouth? And who is this boy?”

  Since I couldn’t explain the situation, I put my hands together in a pleading motion.

  “You need a favor?” said Halga.

  I nodded. Then I pointed in the direction of Queen Ewe’s kingdom and mimed flying.

  “If anyone sees me helping you, Klarr will punish me for sure,” said Halga. “I already let you into the dungeon, and that was only because Crong asked me to. I can’t risk it again.”

  I put on my best puppy-dog face, but Halga shook her giant head. “I don’t think so, adventurer girl.”

  The sound of a clown horn echoed in the woods. We were running out of time. Klarr was out there somewhere, looking for us. There was no way I was going to let that crazy clown catch me again.

  Reluctantly, I held up the bracelet and tried to make it clear that if Halga helped us, the bracelet would be her reward.

  The monster’s eyes lit up. “Would you really give it to me?”

  I nodded, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. What did it matter if I had my mother’s bracelet if I wasn’t alive to appreciate it?

  “It’s very shiny,” said Halga. “All right. I’ll help you.”

  I ran my fingers over the purple stones one more time. Then I forced myself to toss the bracelet at the monster. Halga caught it easily in her teeth. Then she crouched down and began to lovingly admire her new treasure.

  But there wasn’t time to waste. The prince clapped his hands, reminding us we had to go.

  “All right, all right,” said Halga. She clutched the bracelet with one of her claws and then bent her giant head so that we could climb onto her back.

  I jumped on and grabbed hold of one of the monster’s spikes. Prince Lamb got on behind me. A moment later, Halga shot off the ground and thundered into the sky.

  Only when we were high in the clouds did my lungs seem to start working again. I looked down at Klarr’s castle and realized that from overhead it didn’t look like a castle at all. In fact, its rounded shape and colorful stripes were just like those of a circus tent. Of course.

  “Bet you’re relieved to be away from there,” said Halga over her shoulder.

  Relieved wasn’t the word. I could have kissed Halga’s buggy face for helping us escape.

  I scanned the horizon until I caught sight of the queen’s palace far off in the distance in the kingdom of Speak. Then I tapped Halga on the shoulder and pointed toward it.

  “Next stop, Ewe Central!” she said as she dove so sharply that my stomach started to protest. I glanced over my shoulder and saw that Prince Lamb’s face was turning green. I didn’t want to think about what would happen to throw-up if it didn’t have a mouth to come out of.

  The thought made me feel even woozier, so I tried to focus on the countryside below to steady myself. As I peered at the rolling hills and scattered lakes, I realized that Klarr’s kingdom looked a lot like a sprawling mini-golf course.

  And how did you win at mini-golf? By getting the ball in the clown’s mouth. Too bad this evil clown didn’t have one of those.

  Finally, we were above Queen Ewe’s palace. It wasn’t as huge as Klarr’s castle, but it was much more inviting. There were white stone towers with bright blue roofs, and stained-glass windows overlooking large white balconies. Come to think of it, it looked exactly like the palace at Disney World. Maybe all those talking Disney animals were actually from the land of Speak.

  Where should we land? I asked Prince Lamb.

  It’s best if we stay out of sight, in case Klarr has spies in the palace. He thought for a moment. Have Halga land below that window. It’s near my mother’s private chamber.

  The minute we landed, I tumbled off of the monster’s back, glad to be on stable ground again. When my stomach finally calmed down, I turned to Halga and gave her a warm pat on the foot. Prince Lamb gave her a regal bow.

  “You’re welcome,” said Halga, flapping her shining wings. “Now if you could do me one small favor, adventurer girl.”

  Halga held out a front claw so that I could put on the sparkling bracelet. I just barely managed to latch it around her littlest toe. The sight of it made Halga ooh and ah with joy.

  “Best reward I ever got,” she said.

  Even though it hurt to give the bracelet away, I still wished I could smile. The bracelet had made the monster extremely happy, and Halga had held up her end of the bargain.

  “Good luck,” she said, giving us a small wave. Then she fluttered into the sky.

  Prince Lamb boosted me up so I could push open the window. I took a deep breath and crawled through into the shadows.

  Chapter 10

  After I’d lowered myself onto the floor of a dark hallway, I turned and helped Prince Lamb clim
b through the window. The corridor was lined with unlit lamps, and thick tapestries covered the stone walls. Everything looked old and dusty, like no one had bothered to clean it in a long time. This had to be Klarr’s doing. He probably wanted Queen Ewe’s home to be as dark and depressing as his own.

  Prince Lamb led the way as we hurried through one corridor and turned down another. Finally, we came to a doorway where two ferrets stood guard. They wore red sashes with pictures of the queen’s face on them and held small but sharp spears. I was surprised to see that they both had mouths.

  The moment the guards spotted us, they raised their weapons. They clearly didn’t recognize the prince in his non-sheep state.

  “Who are you?” one of the guards demanded.

  Prince Lamb stepped forward and did a few intricate hand gestures that I couldn’t understand. The ferrets peered back at him with suspicion.

  “How do we know you’re really the prince?” the other guard asked.

  Again, the prince did more of the complicated signals. The guards’ faces turned from suspicious to overjoyed. They fell to their knees and bowed their heads.

  Prince Lamb motioned for them to stand and pointed at the door. The guards stepped aside, and I followed the prince as he went through.

  What were all those hand gestures? I asked as we passed through one chamber after another. The rooms were all lavish but run-down and faded, just like the tapestries in the corridors.

  The few citizens in my kingdom who still have mouths are unable to mind-speak, said Prince Lamb. So we have come up with another system of communication.

  Sign language. That makes sense.

  You have something like this too? said Prince Lamb.

  Yes, I said. But there aren’t too many animals that can do it. Monkeys, mostly.

  Prince Lamb furrowed his brow. Maybe they didn’t have monkeys in Speak. But there was no time to explain as we entered the final chamber.

  Queen Ewe was reclined on a slab of tarnished gold. When she caught sight of us, she jumped to her four feet, ready to fight. Clearly, she thought we were intruders. But when the queen’s gaze fell on me, her face changed. She looked back and forth between me and the prince, obviously confused.