sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  “Well, hello. Fancy seeing you here,” Jill greets Mitch as she pokes her head through the beaded curtain.

  “Good morning, Jill,” he says as he stands at the hob, cooking eggs.

  Jill walks over and wraps her arm around me, pulling me to her. She knows today’s the day the guys check out.

  “Go and sit down…both of you,” she instructs as Alistair walks through the doorway.

  “What?” I ask, confused. Mitch turns to frown at her, too.

  “Don’t ask questions. Just go and take a seat so you can enjoy a nice breakfast together.” Alistair grins as he takes the spatula from Mitch. When we don’t move, Jill points to the doorway. “Go!”

  Fin takes my hand and we walk out to a table as Jill and Alistair cook for us.

  I hate this feeling. My throat is so sore from holding back tears. For the last two hours, I sat in Mitch’s room, watching him pack our week together into his bags. Brad isn’t happy to be leaving Bee, either, but he seems more excited about their new recording schedule than Mitch does right now.

  I now stand in the lounge as the guys settle their bill with my aunt. That would normally be my job, but I know I couldn’t do it. I feel numb…empty.

  “Right, Mr. Finnley,” Jill says, turning to Mitch. We’re standing there, holding hands, as I lean my shoulder against the wall. “By my count, we need to take three nights off your bill as I believe you never made it to your room.”

  The guys all laugh. Smiling, Mitch hands over his card to pay his part of the bill.

  Jill looks up at him with a straight face. “I’m serious. I’m not charging you for the last three nights. Plus, you’ve actually been working. Honestly, I should be paying you.” She slides his card through the machine.

  Mitch’s smile fades. “No, Jill. I can’t let you do that.”

  “You can, and I did.” She hands him the machine to put in his pin. Mitch looks at me for help. I just shrug. I’ve never been able to stop her when she has her mind made up. To me, she has magic powers, so there is no point in me even trying.

  “I'll repay you someday,” he says, putting in his pin.

  She smiles at me. “You already have.”

  Everything moves in slow motion, but it’s like I’m not really here. My mind isn’t with it. My heart seems to be numb, too.

  I bury my face into Mitchell's chest as he leans up against the van, his arms wrapped around me. We haven’t spoken in a while. What is there left to say? The guys move around us, packing things in the van and Mitch’s car.

  “I hate this,” I whisper, lifting my head.

  “Me, too. I don’t want to leave you.”

  “Well, if you ever change your mind and want to help run a B&B, I’m sure I could use an extra pair of hands.” I give him a small smile. He nods. “Please, let me know you get home okay.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “I thought you said no contact.”

  I smirk. “Just let me know when you get there.”

  Nodding, he kisses my forehead.

  “Oh… I almost forgot. Stay there!”

  I jog back inside and grab what I’ve been planning since Saturday morning. I walk back out, keeping my hands behind my back as I walk up to him.

  Mitch stands straight and looks at me curiously. “What are you up to?” he asks, frowning.

  “I want you to have this.” I hand over my pink apron.

  He laughs as he holds in it his hand. I slide my arms around his waist. “Lexi, I can’t take this.” He smiles down at the apron.

  “Please, Mitch,” I say, tears starting to seep out of my eyes. “I… I don’t want you to forget me.” I look up at him, seeing tears in his eyes, too.

  He lifts my chin with his finger. “Alexis Duke, I can promise you, I am never going to forget you.”

  I close the distance and kiss him as more tears roll down my cheeks. As I push my lips to his, I hope that if I kiss him hard enough, it will stay on his lips, and vice versa.

  I pull away and look into his eyes. I know this will be the last time I see that gorgeous gold colour and it hurts like hell.

  “But you’ll need this when you open your place,” he whispers, tapping the apron in his hands.

  “Nah. I’ll get a new one for my place with the name written on the front.” I try and smile, failing miserably. I bite my lip, trying to stop the tears, to no avail. Mitch uses his thumb to rub the them off my cheek.

  “Please, promise you'll let me know when you open, Alex.”

  “Mitch, that could take months.”

  “And I don’t care if it takes years. Promise me.” I stare into his eyes for a moment. “Please. Promise me, Lexi.”

  “Okay,” I whisper, letting more tears fall.

  He pulls me closer, his lips gently touching mine. I relish the feeling, soaking up everything about this kiss. The way his stubble scratches my cheek, how soft his lips are on mine, the sweet taste of his tongue, his hand in my hair, the way his chest feels under my hands. I can’t breathe. I don’t want this to end. I know that when it does, he'll be gone.

  Reluctantly, he pulls away. “I have to go… I said I’d drive the van.”

  I frown. “You’ve hardly had any sleep.”

  “I’ll be fine. It’ll take my mind off things.”

  I nod. I guess that makes sense. It won’t stop me from worrying, though.

  The guys pile into the van, Brad climbing into Mitch’s car. Jill and Alistair stand on the step behind me.

  “Fin....”

  There’s so much I still want to say—how much he means to me, how he makes me feel about myself, that he makes me feel when I didn’t think I could—but I stop myself. Mitch simply nods.

  “I know,” he whispers, releasing me. His lips touch mine briefly one last time, then he climbs into the van and starts it up. Tears stream down my cheeks. When I feel a hand on my shoulder, I turn to see Bee standing next to me, smiling softly.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, wiping my eyes. I know she said goodbye to Brad at her place because she’s supposed to be at work.

  She nods at Mitch. “He asked me to be here.”

  I look at him, seeing him smiling, glad Bee turned up to look after me.

  He gives me one last wave before he pulls away, taking my heart with him.

  I turn to Bee, letting the sadness completely take over. She wraps her arms around me, my tears soaking through her blouse.

  “Bee... I...” I sob loudly. “I think I loved him.” Even more tears roll down my cheeks. I should have told him.

  “I know you did,” Bee says soothingly, tears in her own eyes. She runs her hand down my hair, letting me cry on her shoulder.

  She leads me back to the steps, handing me over to my aunt, who wraps her arms around me. I should be used to saying goodbye to people by now, but I’m not. It still hurts like hell.

  My aunt leads me into The Driftwood. I hear faint voices, but I’m not paying attention to the words.

  “Alexis?” Bee says loudly, snapping me out of my trance. I look at her. “He gave this to Brad, who told me to give it to you as soon as they left.”

  I look at what she’s holding. It's an envelope and a CD. I reach out with a shaky hand and take it from her.

  When I look at the CD, more tears slide down my cheeks. On the case are the words FIN’S MELLOW MIX, but FIN’S has a line through it and he’s written LEXI’S. Despite the tears in my eyes, I laugh. He's left me his CD. I really am glad he took my apron because now we both have something to remember each other by. I turn my attention to the envelope.

  To My Lexi is written across the front. My heart breaks even more. I’ll never be anyone else’s Lexi again.

  “Would you mind if I read this alone?” I ask.

  Aunt Jill smiles. “Of course.”

  I walk in a daze down the stairs, my mind trying to imagine what’s in the envelope. I open my bedroom door, realising coming down here was probably a bad idea. The room looks how it did last night. My dress sti
ll on the floor, bed unmade, the smell of his aftershave in the air. The only thing missing is him. More tears escape. I know whatever is in this letter is going to break me even more. I go over to my stereo and put the CD on, finding the song we made love to last night. As corny and cliché as that sounds, I know that’s exactly what it was. I love that man, and I hope he realised it, even if I never said it. Tears stream down my cheeks as I sit on my bed and open the letter.

  Sniffing, I turn the letter over and start to fold it back up to put it back in the envelope, but I stop. There’s writing on the back, too. It’s lyrics to the song he wrote, the one I’m listening to right now.

  Tears completely take over, sobs heaving in my chest. He loved me, and I loved him. Should I have told him? What would it have changed? Both our dreams are coming true. Being together just isn’t an option.

  I could have written everything in this letter. As soon as his lips touched mine, I knew I was falling for him, too. He feels like home to me. I don’t know whether admitting any of this helps or makes the ache in my chest worse.

  I shut my eyes and lie down, letting the hole in my chest completely take over. I now I can add Mitch to the list of people I’m going to miss for the rest of my life.

  I slowly peel my face off my arm. I have no idea how long I have been down here sobbing. The only reason I moved is because my thigh is vibrating…

  My phone.

  I reach into my pocket. My heart hopes it’s Mitch, but to say what? They stopped and are staying? Then what?

  I look at the phone. Unknown number. I don’t usually answer these, but with Mitch leaving, knowing he's had no sleep, I feel I should.

  “Hello?” I say in a shaky voice.

  “Hi. Is this Miss Alexis Duke?”

  “Yes,” I say, frowning.

  “Hi, Miss Duke. This is Rachael from Kenricks Estate Agents.”

  I shoot up off the bed. My heart is beating so loudly, I have no clue how I’m going to hear whatever she has to say.

  I’ve been in my room so long, I don’t know if Bee will even still be here. I hope she is because she needs to hear this, too. They are all going to think I’ve been down here crying over Mitch the whole time. Honestly, if I hadn’t received that phone call, I’d probably be crying for days.

  I make my way up the stairs. I can hear Jill and Alistair talking with Bee. I hope she realises how much a part of this family she really is.

  I walk through the door, seeing them all sitting on the window seat. They look up at me as I walk in. I can’t imagine what I must look like right now with my red, puffy eyes and cheeks.

  “How are you, sweetheart? Are you okay?” Jill asks as I stand there, fiddling with my thumbs, chewing on my bottom lip.

  “Alex?” Bee asks, looking worried. I am so scared. This is the moment I’ve been dreading.

  “I have something I need to tell you all.”

  If they didn’t look scared before, they sure do now. I suddenly laugh. I didn’t plan on scaring them. In fact, I always pictured me being the scared one. I wring my cold hands together a few times to calm myself down.

  “I don’t even know where to start…” I shake my head. “I know I haven’t mentioned it for a long while, but you all know of my dream to one day own my own B&B like this one.”

  I watch as they frown. They all know I have been saving to get my own place since I was a teenager. I think the reason no one mentions it is because we all know I have the money, but I’ve never been brave enough to pursue it...until Mitch.

  “Yes, Alexis. We all know that… Are you okay?” Jill asks. I shake my head. I am a wreck right now. Her forehead creases into a frown.

  “Maybe I should start by telling you I also told Fin about my dream.” I feel tears well in my eyes because if it weren’t for Mitchell Finnley, this wouldn’t be happening. “He found me some buildings to look at, and we’ve been to some viewings this week.”

  Bee looks the happiest, albeit a little shocked. “And you didn’t tell me...any of us?” she asks. I shrug, lost for words.

  Jill smiles a little.

  “I don’t know how to explain it. I felt strong around him…strong enough to put in an offer last week,” I say.

  Bee shoots up from her seat, but my eyes are glued on Jill. I’ve been dreading telling her this and ripping her heart out. If she is going to hate me, at least I’m already weak and emotional. I might as well get it done and out of the way.

  “I just got a phone call…” I sigh and gather my strength. “The owner wanted a quick sale. She’s accepted my offer. I should get the keys in a week or so.”

  Bee squeals and wraps her arms around my neck. I laugh and squeeze her to me. I have never hugged her as tightly as I am right now. I am so excited, nervous, happy, yet heartbroken at the same time. I glance over Bee’s shoulder at Jill. I can’t read her right now. I let go of her to look down at my aunt Jill, who’s still sitting, eyes filled with tears. I bend down to her level. I’m so scared she’s going to scream at me.

  “Jill, say something. Please.”

  She grins. “I am so proud of you.” She wraps her arms around me and pulls me to her, letting the tears spill over. “They would be so proud of you, too,” she whispers into my ear. Her words cause even more tears to form in my eyes. All I’ve ever wanted is to make my parents proud.

  “So, where is it?” Bee asks from behind me as I still cling onto Jill.

  She isn’t mad, isn’t screaming. She’s actually proud of me, just

  like Mitch said she would be. It’s like everyone has forgotten my heart just left Blackpool in a van, but this is exactly the distraction I need.

  “Fancy going for a little walk to see it?” I ask, finally letting go of Jill.

  “Yes!” Bee bounces on the balls of her feet.

  “I'll get my coat,” Jill says, standing. Alistair rushes off ahead of her to grab their coats. I stand and watch them. I am so proud right now. I owe all this to Mitch. Tears fill my eyes. I wish he could have been here for this moment. I suspect I’m going to feel like that a lot in the next few months.

  Three months later

  “In a minute. It’s not like you’re going to be late for work. It’s Saturday,” I yell through the kitchen door. Bee is sitting in the lounge, impatiently waiting for her breakfast.

  It’s taken a few months to finish the rooms and redecorate the building, but it’s done. I only moved my own things in and started living here a week ago. Since then, Bee has spent some nights, keeping me company until my first guests arrive in a week or so.

  In return, I offered her the first breakfast cooked in the kitchen of The Dukes Guest House. I look at the photo of my mom and me that is now on my windowsill and smile. I hope she can see this and is proud of me.

  I plate up the two breakfasts and take them out to the table where Bee’s sitting.

  “I know it’s Saturday, but I have a lunch date with James. I won’t be able to even eat lunch if I don’t get breakfast out of the way soon.” She smiles up at me.

  “Uh-huh.” I slide into my seat. I watch Bee dig into her breakfast. This is one of the moments I was looking forward to. All my firsts in this place.

  “What time is the sign being fitted?” Bee asks around a mouthful of egg.

  “Eleven thirty,” I say, looking up at the clock on the wall behind my stocked bar. It’s only nine now.

  “Crap. I won’t be here!”

  “No. You’ll be out with James.” I stick my tongue out, making her scowl.

  The red sign, The Dukes Guest House in huge white letters, is the last thing to be added. Well, aside from some air fresheners, pictures, and vases for the rooms. To be honest, the sign is the one bit I’m looking forward to the most. That’s the moment my dream will be real.

  As we finish breakfast, Bee looks happy. “You’re going to do so well, Alex.”

  I wish I shared her optimism, but now that it’s all real, I am so scared. Running this place on my own is going to take every
ounce of strength in me. I know I can do it, but I’m still so scared.

  “When do you open?” she asks.

  “I have an online booking for the twenty-fourth.” Saying that out loud fills me with pleasure and dread at the same time. Bee is silent for a long moment.

  “Are you going to tell him?” Bee asks. I don’t need to ask who she means.

  I sigh. “Bailey, we've been through this.” I grab our empty plates and take them into the kitchen.

  She follows me. “Come on. You promised you’d tell him when you opened.”

  “Yeah, well, I lied. He's in a band, a band that’s doing well right now.”

  I know that part for a fact. A CD arrived at The Driftwood about two weeks after he left. Plus, and I’ve kept this from Bee, I finally joined the world of Facebook, under a fake name, just to look at the band page every now and then. They now have their own website up and running. I think about looking at it most nights, then get scared that I’m going to see Mitch with some other girl. I know it has to happen someday, but I don’t want to see it. That’s why we agreed not to stay in touch.

  “Alex…,” she says softly.

  “Bailey!” I snap.

  She holds her hands up in defence. I feel like crap for shouting. I know I shouldn’t. My nerves are all over the place, and as much as everyone told me it would get easier being without Mitch, it hasn’t. It didn’t get easier. I just got busier. Making sure my days were filled with paint tins and plastic dust sheets. The main reason I’m going to open so soon is because I worked and worked so I didn’t feel the pain from not having him with me. My nights are harder. The hole in my chest is still very much there and harder to ignore at night. That’s why I filled a lot of nights building flat pack furniture.

  “Sorry,” I sigh.

  She smiles. “It’s okay. At the end of the day, it’s your call. I know you have a lot on your mind right now. But you should also know I’m here for you.” She hugs me. I squeeze her tightly.