Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  Dez jumped up, and Ras followed him out of the office. Ras said, “The captain reminds me of some of our drill sergeants that we had on Parris Island.”

  “Cap would put those dudes to shame.” Dez motioned to Sherri’s desk. “Use this, but don’t get too comfortable. My partner is coming back for it.”

  Ras put the folder on the desk. “The captain mentioned that she’s out on medical leave.”

  Dez didn’t offer any more details. Ras may be like a brother, but some things needed to be kept close to the chest. “She’ll get better.”

  “You ever miss the Corps?”

  “Sometimes. But I like not getting shot at or blown up even more.” Dez picked up his coffee and took a long sip. “That’s why this drug raid gone bad has me on edge. The crew had a reputation for running without guns, but we show up to the warehouse and suddenly they’re armed to the teeth. Doesn’t make sense unless they got the heads-up we were coming.”

  “You have an idea who told them?”

  Dez shook his head. “DEA says they’ve checked and cleared all their agents, but I have my doubts. Because if it wasn’t one of them, it was one of us. And that’s not something I’m willing to accept right now.”

  Ras flipped open the file and thumbed through a few pages. “Why don’t I read over these notes, then we can strategize our next step over lunch? You can walk me through what happened, blow by blow.”

  “You bet.” Dez booted up his computer while Ras took a seat at Sherri’s desk. Dez pulled out his cell phone and tapped a quick message to Sherri, asking how she was feeling.

  Her response was immediate.

  Okay. I miss the office already.

  He smiled at that. She missed him, even if the message didn’t include those words. Dez texted back.

  Got a new partner.

  So soon?

  Guy I knew from the marines. You’d like him.

  Doubt it.

  Dez grinned and ran a hand over his face. He had it bad for Sherri, thinking of how she could light up a room just by being in it. He needed to keep an edge, a distance. Otherwise he would lose not just his professionalism, but also his focus on a job that required it 24/7. That was why the department discouraged dating between partners. More than discouraged, they transferred one of the parties out. And that was something Dez would avoid at all costs. He didn’t want to change what they had.

  But then there was a small part of him that wondered what if their relationship did change.

  Get some rest so you can get your butt back here soon.

  He put his phone back into his pocket and concentrated on the file in front of him.

  * * *

  DEZ PICKED UP a pizza and drove over to Sherri’s apartment. He heard loud voices on the other side of the door when he lifted his hand to knock. He used the doorbell in case they were yelling too loud to hear him.

  Perla opened the door and stared at him. “Good. I need backup.” She pulled him inside where Sherri stood at the kitchen counter, grasping the edge. Perla pointed at her. “You tell her to do what she has to do.”

  Dez frowned and looked from Sherri to Perla and back again. “What isn’t she doing?”

  “It’s nothing.” Sherri glared at her mother. “Less than nothing.” She pulled the sleeves of the orange hoodie down over her fingers.

  He waited for one of them to share more details, but they were intent on staring each other down. He held up the pizza box. “I brought dinner.”

  “Mama cooked.”

  He only just then noticed the aroma of spicy beef in the air. “Well, lunch tomorrow, then.” He waited some more and said to Sherri, “So? Tell me what’s going on.”

  Sherri rolled her eyes. “She wants me to take a shower.”

  That didn’t sound so horrible. “And the problem is...”

  Perla huffed. “She can’t lift her arms enough to wash herself. So I volunteered to help her, but she’s too proud to accept.”

  Sherri disagreed. “It’s not that.”

  “Then what is it?” Dez asked.

  “I’m not a baby who needs her mommy to bathe her.” Sherri covered her face. “I hate this. I hate that I have to depend on someone else.” She removed her hands and looked up at Dez. “This is wrong.”

  “Yes, it is,” he told her.

  He took a step toward her, but she retreated two and closed her eyes. “When am I going to feel normal again? When is any of this going back to what it was before? Because right now it feels like never. And that’s too long.”

  This time, Dez crossed the room in three long strides and took her into his arms. She leaned against him, but didn’t put her arms around him. He rubbed her back and swayed back and forth, trying to soothe her somehow. Not that it would make up for what had already been taken from her.

  “One day you’ll look back on this and realize that things did get better. That what you’re feeling will eventually go away.” He kissed the top of her head. “I promise it will get better.”

  He looked at Perla. She gave a soft nod and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  “Fine.” Sherri took a step back from Dez. “Let’s go take that shower, Mama.”

  * * *

  LATER, SHERRI WALKED out of the bathroom with wet hair and in the same bright orange hoodie, but clean sweatpants. Dez turned from the baseball game he’d been watching and whistled. She shot him a dirty look. He shrugged and patted the sofa beside him. “How do you feel?”

  “Better. Tired.” She sat next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. “So tired.”

  “Go ahead. Take a nap.” He turned down the volume of the television. “I’ll wake you up when I leave.”

  Her eyes drifted closed, and he leaned down to check on her.

  Perla returned to the living room and saw Sherri sleeping on his shoulder. She gave a soft smile and walked into the kitchen. She returned moments later with a plate of beef enchiladas and a fork. She balanced it on the sofa arm by his free side, then kissed his cheek. “She doesn’t know what a good man she has in you.”

  Dez glanced at Sherri, then focused on his food. “We’re best friends. I’d hate to change what we have.”

  “And you don’t want more?”

  He avoided the question and took a bite of enchilada. “This is so good. You’re the best cook I know.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” She eyed him but didn’t push the issue. Instead, she left the living room to return with her own plate. She sat in the gliding rocker and they ate in silence for a while.

  He glanced at Sherri again, who snored softly and rubbed her face into his shoulder. “How is she really doing?”

  Perla gave a shrug and put her fork down on her empty plate. “She’s so...” She shook her head. “Angry.”

  “I guess that’s understandable.”

  “But anger isn’t going to help her get better.”

  “But it might motivate her to do more things for herself. To push herself.” He’d seen her do it in the past. When they had lost an agent in their office to a senseless shooting, he’d watched her as she pursued the leads to find the shooter and make sure justice was served. She’d pushed herself on the baseball field when they had faced their rivals, the Detroit Cop Union. He’d seen her working out when she was determined to be in better shape after a less than satisfactory job rating.

  She didn’t give up. She used her emotions to become better. She’d done it before, and she’d do it this time, too.

  “I guess.” Perla sighed and placed her plate on the coffee table. “I wish I could take all of this from her and do it myself. I don’t like seeing my daughter go through this.”

  They had that in common. “I don’t, either. But she’s tough, and that’s got to mean something.”

  Perla stood and took his empt
y plate from him and picked hers up from the coffee table. “I’m sorry I don’t have anything for dessert. Sherri might have some ice cream, though.”

  “I’m fine, Mrs. Lopez.” He loosened his arm around Sherri. “And thank you for dinner.”

  She gave him a sad smile. “I can’t cure cancer, but I can cook.”

  * * *

  SHERRI WOKE TO a darkened bedroom. She looked around, wondering how she had gotten there. The last thing she knew, she’d been sleeping on Dez’s shoulder while they watched a baseball game.

  He must have put her to bed. The thought made her squirm. Had she picked up her laundry? Or made her bed that morning? She hadn’t been doing much of anything lately, and if Dez had seen her unmentionables, she wasn’t sure how to face him the next time he came over.

  Sherri lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. She’d always been a side sleeper, but the first night home she had tried to sleep that way and the pain had been unbearable. Now she had to sleep on her back. Just another change in her messed-up life.

  What time was it? She squinted at the alarm clock. After three. She’d been sleeping for almost seven hours. Now that she was wide awake, she tried to sit up without using her arms to brace herself; another thing she’d had to adjust to. Once upright, she swung her legs to the side of the bed and pushed up onto her feet. She walked to the bedroom door, opened it, then poked her head out. Everything was dark.

  Letting her eyes adjust to the dark before walking down the hall, she noted that the door to the guest room where Mama slept was open. Probably so she could hear Sherri if she needed her mom in the middle of the night. Sherri gave a soft smile. In the living room, she turned the television on, muting the sound while she flipped through the channels. Not that she wanted to watch anything, but she needed some kind of distraction.

  She hated what her life had become. Hated having to depend on someone else to do the most mundane things like wash her hair or get a glass from the cupboard. Page and April had tried to tell her what to expect, but they’d also warned her that she would have to go through things that even they couldn’t warn her about. That she’d have experiences that were uniquely hers. It made her feel even more alone.

  She flipped through more channels and found some I Love Lucy reruns. She hadn’t watched the show since she was a girl and Mama had gotten the video set for Christmas. She settled into the couch and turned the volume up a tad, but still low enough that it wouldn’t disturb her mom.

  One show ran into another, and by the time her mom woke up to make breakfast at six, Sherri had watched enough episodes to make her feel as if her eyeballs would shrivel to dust. Mama put a hand on her forehead. “What time did you get up?”

  Sherri yawned and stretched. “Three. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  “Because you needed your sleep.”

  Mama went into the kitchen as Sherri slowly stood up and waited a moment before trying to follow her. She found her mom taking eggs out of the fridge. “I appreciate all you’re doing for me, but I should start taking care of myself.”

  Mama shook her head. “It’s too soon. You couldn’t even take a shower on your own yesterday.”

  And that made this all the harder. “No, I need to push myself more.”

  Her mom stopped cracking eggs into a bowl and started to whisk them. “Don’t push yourself so hard that you hurt yourself.”

  “I won’t. I know my limitations.” Her mom gave her that look only mothers knew until Sherri smiled wryly. “Well, at least I’ll figure out what they are soon enough.”

  “You’re trying to get rid of me already?”

  “Dad needs you, too. And Hugo.” She swallowed and kept her gaze on the white tile counter. “I have to be able to do this on my own.”

  “But you don’t need to.”

  Sherri looked up at her. “Yes, I do.”

  Mama stepped away from her to pour the eggs into the hot skillet on the stove. She seasoned them and took two plates from a cupboard. For a while, Mama cooked while Sherri walked her fingers up the wall next to the front door. She made it about an inch higher than she had the day before and counted it as a victory.

  Mama plated the eggs then placed them on the dining room table. Sherri took a seat in front of her plate. Before they ate, Sherri put her arm on the table and held out her hand to her mom. “Thank you.”

  “It’s just eggs.”

  “It’s more than that, and you know it.” Sherri squeezed her mom’s hand, then let it go.

  * * *

  THE FIRST WEEK without Sherri at work passed slowly, slower than Dez would have liked. On Wednesday he met up with Luke at the basketball court, but thoughts of Sherri distracted him, and he lost the first game. Luke glared at him. “Are you trying to take it easy on me?”

  Dez shook his head. “Got my mind on something else.”

  Luke eyed him. “A girl?”

  “Yes, a woman, actually.” Dez dribbled the ball then passed it to Luke. “You know my partner, Sherri? She’s got cancer.”

  Luke winced. “She gonna die?”

  “Not if I can help it.” Dez charged him and stole the ball, then he turned to make a perfect hook shot into the basket. “Two, zip.” He bounced the ball to Luke. “Let’s see what you got.”

  They played two more games before sitting on the sidelines, the backs of their T-shirts drenched with sweat. Dez took his shirt off and wiped his face. He stared out across the court. “How’d you do on that math test?”

  “Passed, of course.” Luke flipped the basketball in his hands. “The counselor told me yesterday that I brought my grades up enough that I’ll graduate in June.”

  Dez punched him in the shoulder. “And you waited until now to tell me? That’s great news, man.”

  “Thanks to my tutor.” Luke punched him back. “And you.”

  “I didn’t do anything. Just played some basketball.”

  “And encouraged me to keep trying. Which is more than what my dad ever did.” Luke got to his feet and looked toward the horizon where the sun hadn’t yet set. “He’s never even laid eyes on me, you know? Left my mom before I was born, like I didn’t matter to him.”

  Dez kept quiet, knowing Luke needed to let this out. He could understand where the kid was coming from. Hadn’t he been in that same boat? Never knew his dad. Mom had loved drugs more than him. And he’d ended up in the foster care system by the time he was five. Moved from place to place. Seeking out somewhere that he could belong. Gangs in his neighborhood had been attractive because at least he could belong to something, to someone. He could have ended up in a different place than where he was if it hadn’t been for Ray, who insisted he toe the line and quit the gang. His foster father had shown him right from wrong. That family stood up for each other. That life meant being responsible for yourself and those you loved. Dez missed that man every day.

  And now he had Sherri, who had become his family. He couldn’t lose her. Not to cancer or the job or anything else. She, above everything, gave him purpose. It was his goal to be a man whom she could be proud of. He closed his eyes and sent positive thoughts in her direction.

  Luke cleared his throat and stood. “I won two games, which means you owe me an ice cream.”

  Dez groaned as he got off the ground and put his shirt back on. “You’re on.”

  As they walked to the corner store, Luke glanced at Dez. “Sorry about your friend.”

  “Thanks.”

  * * *

  ON FRIDAY, Dez sped out of the parking lot from work and headed directly to Sherri’s apartment. He hadn’t seen her since Monday, and he needed to be around her again. He took the stairs two at a time and knocked on the apartment door.

  Horatio answered the knock. “Desmond, she’s been asking for you.”

&
nbsp; “Sherri?”

  He shook his head. “Perla. She needs someone with height.”

  Dez entered the apartment to find Sherri in the same bright orange hoodie he’d seen her in at the start of the week. And in the same spot, too, sitting on the sofa, her focus on the television. She glanced over at him and smiled. “Mama’s been waiting for you.”

  “Why do I get the feeling I’m being set up?”

  Horatio nudged him in the direction of the bedrooms. Dez took a deep breath before entering Sherri’s. He’d had a glimpse of her bedroom earlier in the week, but then it had been lit by moonbeams streaming in through the window. Now it was ablaze in overhead light. Glimpses into Sherri’s life could be seen, and he felt slightly abashed by them. It felt intimate in a way he’d never been with her.

  He started to walk out when Perla stuck her head out of the closet. “Good, you’re here.” She pointed to the top shelf where she’d been standing. “Since she can’t reach high right now, I’m trying to make things easier for Sherri to live on her own.”

  Several translucent plastic containers lined the topmost shelf. Dez plucked them off and placed them on the half-made bed. Perla nodded, then peered more closely into the closet. “Thank you.”

  “How’s she doing?”

  Perla gave a shrug. “She’s convinced she can live alone again, but she still has issues with using her arms. She can’t shower on her own yet. And she can’t cook.”

  “She couldn’t before the surgery.”

  Perla chuckled and nodded. “You got me on that one.” She began to reorganize items in the closet. “I ask her how is she going to eat? Wash? She tells me I worry too much. But she isn’t doing the physical therapy like she’s supposed to be. She seemed so positive and gung-ho about getting back her independence, but it’s like she’s reverted back to being a dependent child. And don’t get me started on that orange hoodie.”

  “She was wearing it when I was here on Monday.”

  “And every day since. I had to force it off her once to wash it.”