Afraid to Lose Her

by Syndi Powell

  “There’s nothing else to discuss.”

  Dez narrowed his eyes at Reilly. “And yet, we still don’t know who betrayed us. It wasn’t just my agents that got shot at. You had agents die. Don’t you want to see justice for their sakes, at least?”

  Reilly sighed and took a seat behind his desk. “I’ve explored all the leads we had at the time.”

  “Nothing’s come up since? Why do I doubt you’re sharing everything?”

  “What about on your end? I know you’re investigating this as thoroughly as I am.” Reilly pointed at Ras. “New partner?”

  “Who has fresh eyes that could help us crack this case open, but only if we each share everything we’ve got.” Dez pulled a chair closer to Reilly’s desk and sat. “Come on. We both know you’re holding something back.”

  Reilly waited a full minute before he pulled out a manila folder, though he kept it on his side of the desk. “There are certain pieces of intel that are confidential and proprietary to my agency.”

  “So you’d rather play around like kids in a schoolyard than get answers?”

  “This is strictly on a need-to-know basis.”

  Dez had been there, so had the other agents, so the way he figured it he had just as much need to know as Reilly. “Well, I need to know who tried to get us all killed.”

  Dez stared at the man, not looking away even as the agent squirmed. Finally, he pushed the folder across the desk. Dez snatched it up, perusing the information, searching for anything that might help him.

  Reilly cleared his throat. “That file stays in this room. No copies. No notes. You read it, then leave.”

  Dez looked up. “Okay. But after I read it, Ras reads it. Only then do we leave.”

  “You have ten minutes.” Reilly stood and walked to the window. “All my agents were cleared as you can tell on page three.”

  Dez focused on the information regarding each agent. “Then you think it really was Border Patrol that had the leak?”

  Reilly turned and glared at him. “You said it. Not me.”

  “No. The only agents on my side who knew about our mission ahead of time were Sherri and myself.” Dez paused. “And my captain, of course.”

  “Yes. Captain White, who has cousins in Canada. Cousins who have a farm that grows more than vegetables.” Reilly leaned over Dez’s shoulder. “You might want to check page seven.”

  Dez flipped to the spot and shook his head. “No.” He read over the short report that laid out the Canadian connection in Captain White’s family. “Cap would never...”

  “It’s all conjecture, of course.”

  Dez passed the file to Ras.

  Captain White was like a father to his team. He wouldn’t have sent them knowingly into harm’s way. There had to be another source. Had to be. Dez watched as Ras read through the file, then turned back to the beginning and read it again.

  Reilly gave a wan smile. “Time’s up.”

  Ras handed the file to the agent, and stood. He looked at Dez, who gave a short nod. “If I have more questions...” Dez directed at Reilly.

  “I’d take a look at your own office before you burst back into mine.” Reilly opened a desk drawer and shoved the file inside. Then he went and opened the door for Dez and his partner. “Good day, gentlemen.”

  Dez and Ras didn’t say a word as they headed back to the car. Once inside, Dez started the engine, but let it idle. He’d missed something. He was sure of that because the idea that Cap would betray them was unacceptable. Eventually, he put the car in Drive and pulled away from the curb.

  Ras had taken out a notebook and started scribbling notes. When Dez switched on the radio, he reached over and turned it off. “I need silence for a minute.”

  Dez drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, trying to remain patient while he reviewed the facts, hoping they’d lead to a logical conclusion. But nothing made sense.

  Ras put his notebook away, then switched on the radio. “He played you.”

  Dez kept his eyes on the road. “What? How? I don’t get played.”

  “He distracted you with the information about Captain White so that you wouldn’t find something else that was there. The truth.” Ras gave a slight shrug. “I’m almost positive he didn’t want us to pay attention to the contents of that file.”

  Possible. “You read the entire file, though. Twice. What did we miss?”

  Ras flipped through his notebook. “Nowhere in any of the reports did it say for certain which way the leaked information went. It implied the person in question was providing info to the agency, but it could have been going the other way.”

  “So you’re agreeing with Reilly?” Dez rubbed his right eye, which had started to twitch. “We’re back to square one, then. Who ratted us out? And why?”

  “Well, your good friend Reilly clearly wanted to implicate the captain, didn’t he? That’s suspicious. Maybe we should start there.” Ras held up the notebook. “I tried to recreate as much of the file as I could, but I don’t have a photographic memory.”

  “Sherri does.” He hit his fist on the steering wheel. He missed her because he knew he could bust this case wide open with her on lead. He nodded toward Ras’s notebook. “Could you make me a copy of your notes? I’d like her to look them over.”

  “Sure.”

  * * *

  DR. FRAZIER WAS only a few years older than herself and looked as if she might have gone to school with Sherri. She had dark hair braided into cornrows that ended in green beads, pulled back into a ponytail.

  Sherri shook Dr. Frazier’s hand and then took a seat on the examination table. “Dr. VanGilder had a lot of good things to say about you.”

  “Let me guess. He called me the best.”

  Sherri peered at her closely. “Are you?”

  “Depends on who you talk to. I’d like to think so.” Dr. Frazier opened her file and flipped through a few pages. She put it aside and approached her, a frown on her face. “VanGilder went over the biopsy results, then?”

  Unfortunately, he had exhausted her with the details of how bad her situation appeared. But then, she hadn’t chosen him as her surgeon so that she would hear the truth sugarcoated. He’d been up-front from the beginning, and she admired that. “I heard what he thought, but I want to know what you think.”

  “My biggest concern is that while it seems that the surgery removed all the cancer, its aggressive nature could have left surprises elsewhere. I can recommend a strong cocktail of chemotherapy drugs that should knock them out.”

  “Without knocking me out in the process?”

  Dr. Frazier gave a soft chuckle. “That is my plan.” She got out her cell phone and scrolled through a few screens before stopping on a calendar. Sherri could see it from where she was on the examination table. “We can do blood work tomorrow and start treatment in a week. Are you game?”

  So soon. Just as with everything else, the doctors, nurses, technicians moved forward quickly, hoping to get an edge on the cancer. She nodded, but she didn’t feel as if she was truly connected to what was happening to herself. “I will do whatever we have to do, Doctor.”

  “Now, that’s what I like to hear.” She made notes in her file, then took a blue prescription pad and wrote down several items before ripping the page off the pad and handing it to her. “Call the number on top to set up your first appointment. It will be more like a dry run. They’ll go through what you should expect as well as check your blood work to make sure that everything is ready. They’ll also arrange all the dates of your chemo treatment for the next three to four months. Then you’ll return the following day for the actual treatment. Your initial infusion. Any questions?”

  Millions. Sherri reached up and touched her head. “My hair?”

  “Most people lose their hair, yes. Usually within
the first few weeks of treatment.” She pulled a sheet of paper out of her file. “There’s a lot of possible side effects with chemotherapy. Some people have a few of them. Some have all. It depends on how your body reacts to the chemicals. We’ll handle each side effect as it pops up, so don’t worry. I’ll get you through this.”

  Sherri took the sheet and read over the list of side effects. Mouth sores. Nausea and vomiting. Weight loss. Weight gain. Hot flashes. Short-term memory loss. She stopped reading and gave a big sigh. “This is...” She searched for the word, but couldn’t think of what she wanted.

  “Overwhelming.” Dr. Frazier paused and looked down at her hands. “I get it. I’m a cancer survivor myself, and I know all the emotions and thoughts that are swirling around you right now.”

  “I don’t even know what to worry about first.”

  Dr. Frazier looked up at her. “I tell you what. I’ll worry about your treatment. You focus on staying positive.” She held out her hand to her. “Deal?”

  She shook the woman’s hand, unsure how she would hold up her part of the bargain.

  * * *

  DEZ MADE PHOTOCOPIES of his notes as well as those he’d gotten from Ras. He folded the papers and placed them in his pocket before leaving the office for the night. It was only seven, early enough to stop by Sherri’s to see how her doctor’s appointment had gone.

  Plus, he could ask her for her thoughts on the case.

  He called Smitty and set up a reservation for the two of them to spend time at the gun range. Bribery never hurt.

  He knocked on her apartment door and waited. It was late May, but the temperatures had already soared into the eighties. Probably meant that the summer would be a blistering one. The door opened, and Sherri frowned at him. “Did we have plans?”

  “Smitty is waiting for us. We tee off in a half hour.”

  She smiled and stepped back to let him inside. “You’re speaking my language.”

  He entered and looked around the living room. “Your mom out for the evening?”

  “I sent her home this afternoon. It was time.”

  Despite what he’d told her the last time he was with her, the thought of her being on her own made him feel a little queasy. Worry spread through his veins. “You’re sure that you’re ready?”

  Sherri took her purse from the kitchen counter. “I have to do it eventually. I’ll just grab my gun and we can go.”

  Dez drove them to the gun range. He followed her inside to the counter where Smitty had laid out paper targets and ear protection. Sherri paused to purchase ammunition. Smitty handed her the box of bullets, but didn’t remove his hand. “You know, my wife had breast cancer.”

  She glanced at Dez. “You told him?”

  Smitty shook his head. “He didn’t have to. I’ve seen you every week for the last four years, and I can tell when something is different.” Sherri looked down at her flatter chest, and he took her free hand in one of his. “Semper Fi, Lopez.”

  She gave him a teary smile. “Thanks, Smitty.” Then she turned and walked with Dez to the cubicles he’d reserved. She took her gun from her purse and loaded a full clip into the empty chamber. She gave a sigh as she tacked a target onto the line and sent it out at a distance. “You don’t know how much I needed this tonight.” She put the earmuffs in place.

  Dez had to look away, overcome with the wish that he could put that satisfied expression on her face himself. He cleared his throat. “Smitty said we could take all the time we need. He’s missed seeing you here.”

  “I only hope my surgery hasn’t thrown off my aim.” She loosened her shoulders, then aimed her gun at the target and emptied the cartridge. She loaded another clip and started the process all over again. Nothing could affect her aim, or her determination, for that matter.

  Knowing she’d be okay, he entered his cubicle and let out his aggression by shooting at a few targets.

  After an hour Sherri quit and leaned against one wall. “I’m spent,” she called out to him.

  He removed his earmuffs and glanced over at her. The shadows under her eyes were more pronounced, so he gave a quick nod and put the safety on his gun before putting that, plus the box of extra ammunition, back into his duffel bag. “C’mon, I’ll take you home.”

  Once inside his car, Sherri turned to face him. “Why do I get the feeling that you want something? You buttered me up with the gun range, so it must be important. What is it?”

  For one crazy moment he thought about pulling her in for a kiss, to show her what he really wanted. But sense returned, and he took out the folded papers from his pocket. “You know me too well.”

  She accepted the pages from him and flipped through them. After a few minutes she shrugged. “Reports on the drug raid again? We’ve been through them already.”

  “I’m missing something. I know it. I need your expert eyes. I met with Reilly today at the DEA.” He filled her in on the conversation as well as Ras’s assertion that he had been played by the agent to jump to certain conclusions to distract him from other intel. “I was hoping you’d spot a connection we’re missing.”

  She reviewed the notes more slowly, then pointed out one phrase to Dez. “The captain isn’t the only one attached to the drug raid who has Canadian connections. I think Ras was right. Reilly was trying to distract you. I wish we could get our hands on that DEA report.”

  “Ras tried to reconstruct as much of it as he could. Did you see the bit about how the DEA did get a tip-off that the cartel might know we were coming, but no one felt it was necessary to share that with those of us who’d be there?”

  She sighed and shuffled the pages, scanning the notes. “You need to pursue that one name that pops up in a couple of places. That Omarian guy was mentioned more than once. Could mean something. It’d be a good place to start.”

  “But who is Omarian? I don’t remember an agent by that name, do you?”

  Sherri shook her head and looked up at him, her nose only inches from his. He swallowed as he peered into her eyes, feeling pieces of his heart falling away. He reached out and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. She licked her lips, and his gaze dropped to her mouth.

  “Dez?”

  He suddenly realized she’d said his name a couple times. He sat back in the driver’s seat. “You said you loved me.”

  She frowned at him. “I did.”

  “So are we going to talk about it? Because it seems to me that we should.”

  “You know I love you. You’re my best friend.”

  “That’s not what you meant.”

  Sherri glanced out the window, looking away from him. “It’s nothing.”

  “Seems like something, but you don’t want to talk about it.” He put the key in the ignition, but didn’t start the car. “We’re friends and partners, but if you want different things now, you need to tell me.”

  She turned back to look at him. “I want us to be like we always have.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want to change things right now. I need you and I to be one of the normal things in my life. Can you understand that?”

  He didn’t understand what was between them. He loved her, too. He wanted to explore those feelings with her, but maybe she was right. Their timing was off. When she was cured and healthy again, they could figure this out. Until then, he’d do what she wanted.

  When he nodded, she yawned widely and covered her mouth with her hand.

  “You must be tired. I should get you home.”

  She settled back into the passenger seat. “Are you okay?”

  He started the car and put it into Drive. “Yeah. Just tired, I guess.”

  “We can talk about the case later. Can I keep these?” She held up the notes he’d given her.

  “Those are your copies.”

  She tucked t
he papers into her purse. Dez rubbed his head. What had he been thinking? Well, he knew what he’d been thinking. He thought if he could have just one kiss, then this could get out of his system.

  Silence descended on them until it became uncomfortable. He searched for a safe topic of conversation. “How did your doctor’s appointment go today?”

  “Which one?” Her shoulders drooped and she stared at the floor. “I start chemo next week.”

  “So soon?”

  “The sooner I start, the sooner it’s over.” She ran a hand through her hair. “This is going to sound crazy, but the thing I’m most worried about is losing my hair.”

  He glanced at her. “It will grow back.”

  “That’s not the point. I can lose my breasts, and only those close to me will know the difference. But losing my hair? Everyone will know I’m sick.”

  “Those who love you already know.”

  “And that’s the other thing. Another cousin’s getting married. Lulu.”

  He vaguely recognized the name. “Mateo’s sister?”

  She nodded and shifted in her seat as if uncomfortable. “I’ll be a month into chemo. I don’t want my family to give me those looks.” She stared and pointed at him. “Exactly like that. Pity.”

  “I don’t pity you.”

  She rolled her eyes, so he screwed his features up and made a goofy face. “They could look at you like this.”

  She laughed and swatted his leg. “You know what I mean.”

  He braked for the red light then put an arm around her shoulders. “Tell you what. If it makes you feel better, we can shave our heads together. They won’t be able to tell us apart.”

  “Not much of a sacrifice for you when you’re already bald.” She giggled, but then her smile faltered, and she covered her face with her hands. “I’m being silly, I know. But I keep asking myself what else am I going to lose after this is all over?”

  He pulled her closer to his side. “You won’t lose me. I guarantee that.”