The Mueller Report
Page 4
I can’t get my phone to stop typing Urkel
U R B A N
There we go: Secretary of Housing and Urkel Development
Dammit
Gary
Again, this is Gary from Lyft
Did you forget something in the car
Ben
Donald, this is Ben Carson
We did the debate together
I was a doctor once
Or maybe a dentist
They made a movie about me
Called “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties”
Gary
If you left something in the car I can drop it off for you for $10
Ben
Now that you mention it
I think I left my seat belt in the car
Gary
That’s my seat belt
It’s part of the car
Ben
I’m pretty sure I brought my own seat belt
Mr. president
Is the government off for National Pancake Day?
[30 minutes later]
Okay
Thank you Mr. president
See you at the next cabinet party
Another Update from Devin Nunes on His Congressional Investigation
Meanwhile, Congressman Devin Nunes submitted another update to his ongoing counterinvestigation into Russian collusion.
* * *
FROM: Devin.Nunes8@aol.com
TO: Jared.Kushner@WhiteHouse.gov
SUBJECT: Another Update
* * *
Hey Jared,
I know the blowback from the Comey firing looks rough, but I’ve got some great news. I got some explosive information from a well-placed source (I can’t say who it is). Don’t want to spoil it all, but . . .
Six words: James Comey hatched from an egg.
More soon, my brother.
Devin Nunes
—Sent via the AOL™ Mail™ app on my Verizon™ Motorola™ Droid™ 3—
Person of Interest: James Comey
* * *
Former FBI Director James Comey, seen here at the 2017 Axios Public Integrity Summit Sponsored by Theranos
ROLE: FBI Director under Barack Obama and Donald Trump; Best-selling Author of A Higher Loyalty (as James Comey) and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (as Stieg Larsson)
FORMER ROLE: Tall Guy Standing in Front of You at Neil Young Concert
SKILLS: Posting Instagram photos of the sunset with captions like “Thinking about when our Founders acted with integrity. . .”
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Tipped his high school election to the bully who was running as a joke after pointing out that the more qualified candidate “didn’t follow hallway postering protocol”
FUN FACT: Appeared on a 1984 episode of Star Search as one-half of break-dancing crew Comey and the Snake
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING INTO: Whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in the Russia probe by firing Mr. Comey
Interview with Former FBI Director James Comey
Because of my prior friendship with former FBI Director James Comey, I am sharing the full transcript of our conversation, lest I be accused of favoritism.
I met with Mr. Comey at his home in Virginia. He had succeeded me as FBI director under President Obama in 2013. I had heard that he was working on a book; I assumed, knowing James, that it was either a history of chalk or a guide to properly maintaining the cleanliness of one’s tennis shoes.
It was difficult to contain my enthusiasm upon meeting with a dear old friend. I was immediately transported back to our wild heyday at the FBI: looking through manila folders, sipping coffee, placing the manilla folders back in their appropriate places.
We were no longer those wild young bucks, of course. And I can assure you that as an investigator, I was 100 percent professional, even if my excitement occasionally leaked through.
* * *
MUELLER: Mr. Comey, thank you for meeting with me.
COMEY: The pleasure is mine.
MUELLER: I am very happy to see you.
COMEY: Joy is coursing through my veins.
MUELLER: Enough with the frivolities. Mr. Comey, why do you think the president fired you?
COMEY: I don’t think of myself as a difficult person. I enjoy the hobbies of a typical government official living in suburban Virginia: manicuring my lawn, alerting the managers at Whole Foods to faulty shopping carts, flossing my teeth, and, after an appropriate interval, gargling with mouthwash.
MUELLER: The dream.
COMEY: Which is to say I do not think my demeanor to be the reason for my termination. Everything I have to say about the matter I included in my memos. You have my memos?
MUELLER: I do.
COMEY: And how did you find them?
MUELLER: Impeccably typed and rigorously formatted.
COMEY: That is the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Evidence File #1843-H
* * *
James Comey Memos
What follows are my notes after meeting President Trump at Trump Tower on January 7, 2017. I jotted these down immediately after leaving Trump Tower and buying a lamb gyro (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, white sauce) from a halal cart.
I have tried to recreate dialogue as best as I could remember it.
* * *
My First Meeting with President Trump
The first time I met the President was following a staff meeting. Mr. Trump had not yet been inaugurated.
The President discussed his goals for his first year in office, which he had written on a whiteboard. They included “State of the Union beats CSI: Miami in ratings” and “Give Presidential Medal of Freedom to Mike Ditka.”
After the meeting the President ordered everyone to leave the room except “the CEO of the FBI.” The room cleared. I attempted to hide behind a curtain, but I am a 6'8" man and the President was staring right at me.
“Why are you behind a curtain?” the President asked.
“I’m not,” I replied.
There were five minutes of silence as the President stared at the curtain, confused. The President then walked to his desk and pushed a button. “Can you send in Comey, chief executive of the FBI?” the President said.
I stepped out from behind the curtain. “I’m here, Mr. President,” I said.
The President stood very close to me.
“I need your loyalty,” he said.
“I will be loyal to the Constitution,” I replied.
“You mean the boat?” the President asked.
“What boat?” I said.
“The Constitution. It’s a boat,” the President said.
“I meant the founding document,” I said.
The President thought about this.
“I once made love to a Miami Dolphins cheerleader on Carl Icahn’s boat,” he finally said.
I did not know how to reply, so I turned to leave. The President grabbed my shoulder. He had the slim fingers of a waifish French child.
“I need your loyalty,” he said again. “I need you to triple-pinky swear that you will be loyal only to me.”
The President stuck out his tiny little pinky. It was like a genie had put a curse on a Q-tip. I pushed it away.
“No loyalty?” the President asked.
“I will always give you my honest opinion,” I said.
“Then I will give you my honest opinion,” the President said. “I was disappointed that episodes of American Gladiators didn’t end with a fight to the death inside a Colosseum. I mean, ‘Gladiators’ is right there in the title.”
That was the end of my first meeting with President Trump.
My Second Meeting with President Trump
The second time I talked to President Trump, we ate dinner together in the Green Room of the White House. I was extremely reluctant to meet with the President one-on-one, given his previous requests for loyalty and weird comments about American Gladiators.
“Why don’t we dine with our families?”
I proposed.
“I think I just lost my appetite,” the President said.
It was just the two of us eating in the Green Room at the White House. We were served by navy stewards who President Trump had made dress like Grimace and the Hamburglar. The waiters placed down a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs.
“Do you want to do Lady and the Trump?” the President said. I could not tell whether he was joking, as he was neither smiling nor frowning, so I went to the restroom.
When I returned 45 seconds later the entire plate of spaghetti and meatballs had been eaten.
Mr. Trump said he wanted to talk. We spoke on many subjects; the conversation jumped around unpredictably, like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
President Trump did most of the talking and listening to him was akin to a museum tour of his brain. Topics included the 1984 Chrysler LeBaron; the marital status of Heather Locklear; whether it would be possible to open a Smithsonian Hotel & Casino; what Jake Tapper’s “deal” was; Nobel Prize categories he felt he might win; whether I thought space aliens existed, and if so, whether they “liked to party.”
Suddenly, the conversation shifted where I hoped it would not.
The President wanted to know what I thought of “this whole golden-showers mess.” He asked if the FBI had a “Jason Bourne guy” who could “parachute into Russia” and “prove that the tape does not exist.” I remarked that it would be difficult to prove that something did not exist.
“I would just hate it if this lovely woman, the love of my life, thought I did that disgusting thing,” the President said.
“I can talk to Melania,” I offered.
“I meant Ivanka,” the President said.
Later in the dinner the President asked if I would put out a statement clearing him of “the golden cloud” over his head. I asked him not to use the phrase “golden cloud” ever again. I then said that it would be inappropriate for me to clear him in the middle of an investigation. He handed me a sheet of paper with a statement already typed up. It read:
This is Comey speaking. I have served as Chief Executive of the FBI for the past 67 years and in those 5 decades I have never met a man as innocent or entrepreneurial as Big Infrastructure President Donald J. Trump, King of America and Defeater of Lazy Chuck Schumer.
It is my expert opinion, having reviewed Files and Looked through Binoculars, that the Golden Showers tape does not exist and that it is part of a FRAUDULENT DOSSIER drummed up by Sore Loser Hillary “EMAILS” Clinton to explain her historic and boneheaded loss in the election. Mr. Trump is a Great Patriot and I would certainly live in one of his beautifully appointed condos in Trump Tower–Chicago, on sale now to both citizens and noncitizens.
It is my recommendation that we shut down the Russia investigation and move those resources to the full prosecution of real criminals, like Chuck Todd and the cast of Hamilton.
Let us move past these petty squabbles and begin a bipartisan era of cooperation where we give Mr. Trump whatever he wants, including all of Michael Bloomberg’s money.
Sincerely,
Comey, CEO of the FBI
I told the President I would not put my name on the statement. The President growled. The dinner was clearly over.
I said good night to the President and he shook my hand. It was like shaking the hand of a Muppet Baby. That ended my second meeting with the President.
My Third Meeting with President Trump
I went to the Oval Office at 4 p.m. today for what COS Reince Priebus called a “meet-and-greet” with President Trump. I suspected that the President wanted to discuss Michael Flynn, whom President Trump had recently fired and who was now a target of our investigation.
Mr. Priebus assured me that Mr. Trump in no way would discuss the Flynn investigation. He said the President “was new to D.C. and wanted to ask if I had a good barber, my favorite ice cream shop, things of that nature.” When I turned to ask a follow-up question, Mr. Priebus had vanished.
I sensed that I was being ambushed. Nonetheless I entered the Oval Office and found President Trump alone, typing something on his phone. I felt my own phone buzz in my pocket. It was a tweet from President Trump that read:
Meeting with Can’t-Take-a-Hint Comey today. Will ask him to let up on General Flynn (Hero!) and Members of Trump family. Comey must drop investigation—or else. (Remember AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!!)
I sat down across from President Trump. Before I could say hello, he began talking.
“I hope you can make this Flynn investigation go away,” Mr. Trump said. “He’s a good guy: always retweets me, comes to my improv shows, offered tons of great suggestions about policies toward Ukraine.”
I agreed that Mike Flynn was a good guy but said nothing more.
“What are you doing this weekend?” the President asked.
I started to explain that my wife and I were planning to take a canoe trip but the President interrupted me.
“Maybe you should cancel those plans and also cancel the investigation into Mike Flynn,” he said.
I said I was very much looking forward to my canoe trip and said nothing more.
“You know, Comey,” the President said, leaning forward. “If you find a way to drop this Flynn thing, I could make life sweeter than honey for you. Whatever you want, it’s yours: A top-of-the-line Toyota Supra, a VIP table at the Rainbow Room, you name it. You ever smoke an authentic Cuban cigar with Tim Allen at Bobby Van’s?”
I replied that I had not. I told the President that the FBI would investigate any case it received to its conclusion and that justice would be served.
The President put his phone to his ear, even though it clearly had not rung.
“President speaking? Oh, hello, Stephen Hawking, yes I do have time to help you with math,” he said into the receiver. He motioned for me to leave with a gesture of the shrunken little kitten’s paw he calls a hand. The President then received an actual phone call, which I noticed was from Pat Sajak.
I exited the room. As I left I heard the President say, “Patty, baby, I haven’t made a decision on a Comey replacement, but you’re at the top of the list, and that’s my final answer.”
That was my last meeting with the President.
Interview with James Comey (Cont’d)
MUELLER: One month later you were testifying before the Senate.
COMEY: I got some excellent, intelligent questions, and I also got questions from Marco Rubio.
MUELLER: Six days after that you were fired. Did you hear anything from the president immediately following your testimony?
COMEY: I received a text message from Mr. Trump at the beginning of my testimony that read “BIG ratings for you right now; push TRUMP GOLF MEMBERSHIPS.” I never responded.
MUELLER: After the Senate testimony, did you feel that you were about to be terminated?
COMEY: I saw hints. Breitbart started styling my name as James Comey . One night I woke up at around 4 a.m. and Steven Miller was on my front lawn holding a Tiki torch and a scythe; when he saw me, he shouted, “Your end is nigh, Deep State!” The next day I was fired.
MUELLER: The writing was on the wall.
COMEY: And very much in the New York Times.
A New York Times Story About the Firing of James Comey, Three Days Before It Happened
* * *
May 4, 2017
This is the New York Times article referenced by Mr. Comey, published three days before he was fired.
* * *
Alone and Cornered, Trump Lashes Out and Considers Changes
By Maggie Haberman and Glenn Thrush
WASHINGTON—President Trump stomped around the White House, howling like a moose. He flung a bowl of hot chowder at the head of Steven Mnuchin. He sat alone in the darkness, screaming at a replay of Morning Joe and firing golf balls through a portrait of Rutherford B. Hayes.
The reason for his anger? FBI Director James Comey.
Following damning testimony by Mr. Comey in front of the Sena
te, President Trump lashed out this weekend and is in one of the worst moods of his fledgling presidency.
This is according to interviews with more than three dozen Trump associates, confidants, hangers-on, tie manufacturers, and White House pastry chefs.
He has been described as “irate,” “rattled,” “roiled,” and “discomfited.” At a staff meeting Wednesday morning, several cabinet members wore bicycle helmets in order to protect themselves from flying coffee mugs.
“The President is madder than Ancient Greek ruler Perdiccas II of Macedon,” said one anonymous Trump advisor. “This country needs a street warrior to fight the globalist hordes, not a Tasmanian devil who I watched stress-eat four pounds of lasagna.”
The dark cloud hanging over Mr. Trump’s increasingly sweaty head comes from Mr. Comey’s ongoing investigation into whether the President’s campaign colluded with Russian officials. The President has called the investigation “FAKE NEWS,” a “WITCH HUNT,” “TOTAL NONSENSE,” and “WORSE THAN CHUCK TODD!”
During recent Senate testimony, Mr. Comey confirmed that there was “at least one U.S. person or persons” being investigated but would not say whether the President was one of them. Mr. Comey also declined to say whether he considered the President a “true friend” or “just some guy he knows from work who is all right, I guess.”