Noah

by Justine Elvira

  His eyes widen in shock as he pulls away from me. "Where were you? I've been worried sick."

  "That's none of your damn business. You lost the privilege of knowing where I am every second of the day the minute you started fucking around on me."

  He moves to reach out for me again and I step further away, my back landing against the back of the door. "It's not what you think, baby. Please let me explain."

  Since I can't move any further back, I move around him and walk into the living room. "You can't explain away what I saw. The texts were indisputably clear."

  "But the context wasn’t."

  I turn around to look at him. "What are you talking about?"

  "Paula is a colleague. She works hard and I respect her opinion at work, and after several months working in close proximity with her we became friends. She–"

  "For fuck's sake, can you just stop," I scream, dragging a hand through my short hair. "I don't want to hear about how your relationship started with Paula. I just want to get my things and go. I didn't even think you'd be here."

  "You were going to grab your things without even talking to me first?"

  "There's nothing to talk about, Caleb. We're over."

  "You can't just decide that–"

  I interrupt him. "You're right, I can't, but you did. You decided that the minute you started screwing another woman."

  He takes a step forward and then stops himself. Clasping his hands together in front of him, he takes a couple of deep breaths, attempting to calm himself. Our conversation escalated quickly and was on the verge of getting out of hand. I think we both need the silence to calm down before we say things that can't be taken back or before the cops are called.

  I really wish he wasn’t here and would have just gone into work. I don’t know why he's fighting so hard for this. And speaking of work, I should probably call both of my jobs and explain why I didn't come in today before they fire me, too, and I'm completely unemployed.

  "Will you at least sit down long enough so I can...explain what you read last night?" I start to object but he raises his hand, gesturing for me to stop. "I know it won't change anything, but I want you to know the truth before you decide to end six years together."

  I didn't end six years together, he did, but he seems determined to tell me his side of the story and if it gets him to shut up and leave so I can grab my things then I'll listen to his excuse.

  “Okay," I agree and sit down on the large chair in our living room. There is no way I'm sitting next to him on the couch right now. He hesitantly sits down on the couch and faces me.

  "Like I was saying, Paula and I became friends. We were able to talk about all aspects of the job, because she was a new hire at the firm, too. We were together so much that the term work-husband was tossed around. We thought it was funny that people were saying that so we rolled with it. Soon that joke got old and new jokes were made. Things escalated quickly. I'm not sure when the jokes turned sexual or why, but that's all they were, Skye. We were joking. I've never hooked up with Paula. I've never slept with her, I've never kissed her, and I’ve never even hugged her. We work together, that's it. There is nothing going on between us."

  I can't believe Noah and Kendall were right. He thinks I'll believe whatever excuse he comes up with. "You're kidding me, right? That's the best you've got?"

  "It is, Skye, because it's the truth. I'd never cheat on you. Joking around about it with Paula was a way for me to lighten my work situation. It eased the tension and frustration a little and I was able to joke around about never being home with you. It was inappropriate and wrong but I swear it was innocent." He's looking at me with the most sincere blue eyes and even though I know everything he just said is most likely bullshit, it's hard for me to believe he's lying right now when his eyes are telling me differently.

  "I...I don't believe you. How can you expect me to believe you?"

  "I don't know but it's true, Skye. I'll call her and prove it to you if you want. You can come into my work and verify all the days I said I was working late, and you can even ask everyone at the firm if something is going on between Paula and me. They'll all tell you the same thing. They'll tell you no way, never. They know how much I love you, Skye."

  He slides off the edge of the couch and onto his knees and then wobbles over towards the chair until he's kneeling in front of me. "Because I do, Skye. I love you so much it physically hurts. When I found your note this morning I’ve never felt worse in my life. I hurt you and you walked out on me. The pain that caused in my gut was the most excruciating thing I've ever felt and I never want to feel it again.

  "I want a life with you and only you. When I look at my future, you're beside me every step of the way. There's no one else in my bed at night." His palms fall on my knees and he squeezes softly. "You have to believe me, baby. I would never do that to you."

  His pleading is hard to watch, because if he is telling the truth then I was the one who ruined our relationship because I spent last night in another man's bed. I'm trying to rationalize all of this–what Caleb's said versus what I saw on his phone, and the attentive Noah from last night versus the absent Noah this morning.

  What if Caleb is telling the truth? Should I just take him back like nothing ever happened even though I know what I feel for him will never compare to what I feel for Noah? I love Caleb, but the love I have for Noah is deep in my bones. I wouldn’t be me without him, and I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

  But then I remember that he left me. This morning he left me with no real reason why. If he felt the same way for me as I feel for him, shouldn’t he have stayed? What if I follow through and end things with Caleb just for Noah to tell me he doesn't want me anymore? I would have thrown everything away, six years with someone, for nothing. I'd be alone.

  Yes, I'm being whiny and bitchy right now but that's because I'm in a battle between my head and my heart. I wish I was a stronger woman and picked no one–screw them both–but I'm not.

  I don’t want a life of solitude and loneliness. I want a life where I'm loved and cherished and adored. I want to love someone who loves me back. It would be nice if that person were Noah, but sometimes you don't get to keep the man you have crazy, explosive passion and love for. Sometimes you have to settle on a lesser love, still beautiful but not as colorful as the one before. I'd be settling if I stayed with Caleb, but at least we'd still have love between us.

  None of this even matters if Caleb cheated on me because I deserve better than a man who would screw another woman behind my back.

  "Okay, prove it," I tell him as my hands come down on his and I move them off my knees. I stand up in front of him and demand, "Give me your phone."

  Staying on his knees he reaches to take it off the couch and hands me the small electronic device. I put in his passcode and then go to his contacts, scrolling down until I land on Paula's name.

  "Call Paula and put her on speaker."

  "What good will that do?"

  "I want to know if you slept with her. Without her knowing I'm here listening I need you to get her to prove your innocence."

  "That's crazy, Skye. How am I going to be able to do that?"

  "You'll figure it out."

  He turns the phone over and over again in his hand. He's either trying to find a way out of this phone call or trying to figure out a way to get Paula to say they aren't sleeping together. Either way, I'll have my answer soon enough because the only reason he wouldn't make this phone call is because he's guilty.

  His finger taps on the phone twice–first to hit call and second to hit speakerphone. After a few rings a soft, feminine voice answers the phone. She sounds sweet, yet something about her voice screams sex as she greets Caleb.

  “Hey, hubby. Where are you? I wanted to get lunch but you're not in your office."

  Caleb's eyes shoot to me and then he looks down at the phone. "I took a personal day. Had to deal with some stuff."

  “Well, it's crazy here with
everyone getting all the files together for the Brown case. I could have really used your help fielding questions from the senior partners."

  "I'm sorry about that, Paula, but I'll be in tomorrow."

  "You sound down," she comments.

  "I'm fine, it's just, and listen I know this is crazy, but Skye and I got in a huge fight because she thinks we're sleeping together. She left me last night."

  "Oh, Caleb.” She sighs low into the phone. "I'm so sorry. Why does she think we're sleeping together?"

  "She saw our text messages." Paula is quiet on the other end of the line and as the silence stretches out it's starting to piss me off. "Paula, are you there?" Caleb asks.

  “Yeah...Do you want me to talk to her, Caleb? I'll explain everything to her. I know the texts were probably inappropriate but we were just clowning around. I'll make her understand. She needs to know how much you love her and that you would never cheat on her."

  Paula's denial shocks me because even though Caleb dialed her number, I thought for sure it was just a stall tactic and he was hoping I'd tell him to hang up. Instead, Paula just confirmed his story. They never slept together. He never cheated, which means I cheated on him last night. I'm the scum in this relationship.

  "That's okay, Paula. Listen, I’ve got to go but I'll be back in tomorrow."

  "Okay, call me if you change your mind. I really don’t mind calling her, Caleb."

  "I know, thanks."

  He taps the phone to hang up and places it back on the couch. He's still kneeling in front of me but I'm frozen in place, wondering where to go from here. Do I try and make it work with him, do I end it and plead with Noah to give us a chance, or should I try being on my own for a while? I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

  I'm a confident woman and I should be more independent. Just because Paula confirmed his story doesn't mean I need to take him back. I'm glad Caleb was faithful but it doesn't explain away every text I saw. It doesn't make it okay, and I should desire to be with someone who will never make me feel this way again. I have a lot to offer someone and I need to remember that.

  I do know one thing–I need to let Caleb know about last night. It’s not fair to keep this from him after he's been honest with me.

  "Caleb, there's something I need to tell you. Last night–"

  He interrupts my confession. "Where were you last night?"

  "I was upset. Those texts looked really bad. I went across the hall and slept at Noah's."

  "I should have known you'd be over there. At least I know you were safe and not wandering the city somewhere. I was worried when I saw you left your phone, purse, and keys here."

  "There's more–" I try to explain, but he keeps interrupting.

  "I'm so sorry for everything, Skye. You have to know that I would never cheat on you or do anything to hurt you. I was stupid. Participating in those texts was stupid, but it will never happen again. I won't text Paula ever again unless it has something to do with a case. I'll prove to you I'm worthy of your devotion. Just give me another chance, please."

  It's ironic. As he's down on his knees begging me to forgive him and take him back, I realize I should be the one groveling. I'm the one who cheated. We've spent the last six years together and I caved into my desires for Noah an hour after reading those texts. What does that say about me?

  Am I willing to throw away this relationship over a one-night stand with Noah? Because that's all it was. Noah didn't even bother to stick around in the morning. I was just another notch on his ever-growing bedpost.

  Caleb loves me and wants to spend his life with me. Caleb's the one who committed to me all those years ago. He's the one who has taken care of me and helped support me all these years. He's a really great guy. I shouldn't just throw what we have away.

  "Okay, Caleb. We can try."

  He shoots up to his feet and wraps me in his arms, hugging me tightly as he picks me off the ground and spins us around in a circle. He sets my feet back down on the floor and kisses me chastely on the lips. "You won't regret this. I'm never going to put you through anything like this again."

  Reaching into the small pocket in his monogrammed button-up pajama top, he pulls out a beautiful diamond solitaire ring and I gasp. The ring is not in a box. He had it just resting in his pocket. Did he know I'd take him back? Was I that much of a forgone conclusion?

  The ring is beautiful, though, and I'm lost in the romantic, fairytale ideals of my childhood. I was one of those girls who dreamt of being married since my mom gave me Wedding Barbie. Now today, I am Barbie and Caleb is hoping to be my Ken.

  "What are you doing, Caleb?"

  "What I should have done the day I bought this ring five months ago, but I was waiting until I got some time off so I could propose the right way. After waking up and thinking I lost you this morning, I realized there will never be a wrong way because marrying you is the only thing that's right. So, Skye, will you do me the honor of marrying me and being my wife?"

  I don’t know if I'm considering his proposal because it's Caleb or because I just like the idea of being married to someone. The ring in his hand is blinding. It's so gorgeous it's hypnotizing, so I push all thoughts of Noah and last night aside and respond, "Yes. Yes, I'll marry you, Caleb."

  His smile spreads from ear to ear and he slips the ring on my left ring finger before pulling me in for a long, excited kiss. When our lips finally part he says, "Let's elope. We can be in Vegas in six hours and be married tonight. I don't want to waste another minute not being your husband."

  "What's the rush?" This is too fast, too soon. I'm just starting to process all that's happened. Last night I was done with Caleb, and now not only are we back together, we're engaged. I think that's enough changes in my life for one day. I need some time to process it all, and I want to plan a wedding, not get married in some cheesy chapel in Vegas. "No."

  I'm firm in my denial and the smile on Caleb's face quickly fades. "No, why?" As I'm trying to figure out the right way to respond to his reasonable question he adds, "Is this about Noah?"

  Oh my God, he knows. How does he know? Were we so loud he could hear us from across the hall? As I recall my impulsive sex last night wasn't loud enough for the neighbors to hear. "No, this has nothing to do with Noah. Why would you ask me that?"

  "You spent the night there last night and I don’t want him getting in your head."

  "How would he have gotten in my head?" I ask, still confused on why Caleb thinks Noah has something to do with my refusal to elope. Why would he think his best friend would want to get in my head?

  "Because he's in love with you."

  My eyes widen as I take in Caleb's assumptions. Noah is not in love with me. I'm in love with Noah, sure, but Noah is not in love with me. He loves sex, he loves women, but he'll never love sex with one woman for the rest of his life. "Noah is not in love with me."

  “Yes, he is. I've known it since the first time he talked about you all those years ago when we were in Prague. It's one of the reasons I wanted to come with him the weekend you and I met. I wanted to meet the girl he spoke so highly of."

  "Caleb, it's sweet you think that Noah was in love with me, but I can promise you he was not and is not. I would know, trust me. I think you have such blinders on for me that you think everyone feels the same way about me as you do."

  "How could they not? You're amazing. Um...you haven't..." He trails off, clearing his throat. "Have you ever had feelings for Noah?"

  Up until recently I would have told you Caleb and I had a relationship built on honesty and trust. I was almost always truthful with him, and gave him honest answers to whatever he asked. We had an unbreakable bond because of our honesty, but I started lying when I began working for Noah's company. Then those texts messages ruined it all because I had a hard time believing him and he shouldn't have trusted me. I slept with Noah, ultimately breaking any trust he could ever have towards me if he found out.

  Because I'm no longer honest in this relationship.<
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  I agreed to marry Caleb and I want to try and spend the rest of my life with him. That will never happen if he found out I cheated on him last night so I'm not going to tell him. Caleb never has to know about Noah, which makes me a liar and untrustworthy.

  Lying is a tricky thing. There are never good reasons to lie if you really think about it. People deserve to hear the truth even if it will break their heart or hurt their feelings. Even white lies are bad...but sometimes it's necessary to lie in order to hold some semblance of a happy life together. Lying to the man you love doesn’t negate the way you feel about him. Unfortunately, if Caleb were to ever find out about the truths I've kept from him or the lie I'm about to tell him, he probably would feel like it does.

  "No, I've never had feelings for Noah apart from a childhood crush when I was seven. Noah is like a big brother to me." The words feel so wrong passing my lips, but they have to be said. Caleb needs to feel secure in this relationship and if he knew Noah might possibly threaten our happily ever after, it would destroy him.

  He lets out a sigh of relief. "Okay, good."

  "I still don't want to elope, Caleb. I want a ceremony with our family and friends. My dad would be devastated if he couldn't walk me down the aisle. I've dreamt of my wedding since I was a little girl and I want it to be just as magical as my fantasy."

  He leans it to kiss me again and then mumbles against my lips, "If a big wedding is what you want, then a big wedding is what you'll get. We can start planning tomorrow because I want to spend today celebrating."

  His lips fall back on mine urgently and I return the kiss, but pull back before it leads to something more. "I'll meet you in the bedroom in a minute," I whisper softly. "I need to call work and let them know why I missed today and pray I still have a job."

  "Okay," he says, kissing me on the cheek. "Don't make me wait too long."

  He walks down the hall and into our back bedroom and I fall down on the chair, taking in deep breaths and trying to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I'm on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.