Worth It All

by Claudia Connor

  He sat on the toilet seat and slid them down past his knees, then rolled the silicone liner down far enough to disengage the suction. After that the leg and pants came off together, and he grabbed the prosthesis he wore in the shower. He could wear his everyday leg, but then he’d have to dump the water out of the foot and make sure it dried completely, so when he was home and it was convenient, he used this one.

  The first streams of cold water hit his skin and he sucked in a breath. This was good. Almost impossible to think about the taste of Paige, the shape of her breast in his palm, or her sexy inhale when his thumb brushed over her nipple.

  Damn it. He slapped his hand against the cold tile. He wanted to be inside her, and not just to have sex, though that would be beyond-his-dreams amazing. He mostly just wanted to be as close to her as possible, to lose himself in her.

  His thoughts turned more vivid, and he closed his eyes and imagined her standing in front of him, her ass pressing back against his groin. Running soap-slicked hands up and over her breasts as he licked the beads of water from her neck. He’d tell her to put her hands against the wall and she’d do it, bending over, pushing her hips back even more, begging him to take her from behind.

  Blood throbbed through his erection and he groaned, resting his forehead against the tile. So much for a cold shower.

  He’d never felt this way, shouldn’t feel this way now, but he did. When he looked into Paige’s ocean-blue eyes, he wanted everything. But even if she changed her mind about fairy tales, he sure as hell was no prince.

  He stood there another few minutes before getting out. Then, still damp from the shower, he pulled on boxers and lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. No matter how many times he replayed his past, trying to conjure up a different outcome, it was always the same. Even eight years later he could still hear the church bells ringing, still feel the tie of his tux choking his neck as he’d jogged down the steps outside Saint Sebastian’s after Matt and Abby’s wedding.

  The sun burned bright in a blue sky, the January air was crisp and cool. He’d needed to crank up some music, have a moment to himself before talking to his billion relatives.

  He cleared the last step, turned right down the sidewalk, and—Shit. Rachel, his very much ex-girlfriend, stood, leaning against his red Mazda. Double shit. She’d be good and pissed he hadn’t caved in time to take her to his brother’s wedding. She had a thing for weddings.

  A year behind him in school, they’d taken an angry break when he’d gone off to college last fall. The end of a long battle because he’d refused to turn down a football scholarship to a D1 college instead of staying local and waiting for her to graduate. As if he’d ever consider doing something so stupid.

  But six weeks ago he’d come home for Christmas break and they’d gotten together, all the way together.

  For about ten seconds he’d thought a long-distance thing might actually work. But as soon as their clothes were back on, Rachel’s claws came out, and it was right back to where they’d left off.

  “Have you been with other girls since you left? You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?”

  He wasn’t a cheater, but they’d been broken up. Wrong answer.

  “I’ll forgive you if you come home,” she’d said, like she was doing him a favor.

  She really thought he’d quit football? Transfer schools? Was she crazy? He’d choked out a laugh, not because it was funny, but just from shock.

  “We’re never getting back together!” she’d screamed. “Ever! I mean it!” Then she’d slapped him across the face.

  That had pissed him off. The slap, not the words, because he was done with this shit. He’d never made her promises, never led her on. They’d been high school sweethearts, teenagers with a teenage love who did the breakup, makeup every other weekend.

  But now here she was, waiting for him, two months after that ultimatum, Christmas break throwdown, and she didn’t even look mad. A trickle of unease slid down his spine as he stopped in front of her.

  “Hey,” she said, looking up at him with an almost shy smile.

  He slipped off the tie and released the top button. “Hey. What’s up?”

  “I wanted to talk to you.” She brushed back her long, dark hair that he knew to be silky soft. “My sister dropped me off. I told her you’d take me home.”

  Nope, she definitely didn’t look mad. She looked hot in tight jeans and a tighter red sweater, and, as always, it was hard to say no to her. “Sure.” She was already halfway around to the passenger side before he hit the unlock button.

  Hot or not, they were not getting back together. No way. College classes were too hard, winter workouts were kicking his ass. He was done with drama. Done with girls for a while. He slid behind the wheel and she got in beside him.

  “How was the wedding?”

  “Good. Long.” He started the car, revved the engine once, then pulled out, wondering what her game was. Maybe she wanted to apologize for slapping him. Rachel could be sweet, but she was also spoiled and conceited, and so beautiful he hadn’t cared.

  “How’s football?”

  “It’s good.” Great, actually.

  Stephen and Matt had seen him play in the last game, which was cool, and next fall chances were good they’d see him take the field as a starter. See him do something big, like maybe be the first wide receiver in nineteen years to win the Heisman. Even his coaches thought it was possible if he worked hard enough. He was one step closer to his dreams of playing pro football.

  She fiddled with her purse strap. “That’s good. I’m really proud of you.”

  He made the turn that wound through the woods to Rachel’s house. They were both quiet a minute. Another thing not at all like her.

  “I have something to tell you,” she finally said.

  Okay. He drew the word out in his mind, gave her a sideways glance, no idea what to expect. I’m sorry? I’m moving? I’m going to UNC instead of South Carolina?

  “I’m pregnant.”

  He stopped breathing. His lungs seized until the pressure in his chest became too much and he sucked in a breath. He hadn’t heard her right. They used a condom. Always. Almost always. But she was on the pill. “That’s impossible.”

  “Well, it’s not impossible because I am,” she said, a touch of haughty impatience in her voice before it softened again and she smiled sweetly. “I just found out, and I knew you’d be coming home for the wedding, so I wanted to tell you in person.”

  “You said you were still on the pill.”

  “I am. Or I was.” She bit her lip. “I might have missed a few. But it’s too late now, right?” She turned in her seat to face him. “I’m due in September. We should get married soon. Before or after I tell my parents? They’re going to freak, so maybe we should get married before we tell them about the baby. What do you think?”

  He couldn’t process, his brain in complete denial. “What?”

  “What do you mean, ‘what’? Did you hear me? I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.”

  “Are you sure it’s mine?” Please, God, don’t let it be mine.

  “I cannot believe you would ask me that! You’re the one that hooked up with another girl!”

  This isn’t happening. His arms shook, he was gripping the steering wheel so hard. Sweat dripped down his spine and the wheel slid through his tight grip as he took another turn.

  He was going to be a father. A husband. He’d get a job. No more college. No more football. No being something great. No catching up to his brothers, who were always ten steps ahead of him.

  “It’ll be fine. You’ll see.”

  His stomach rolled with nausea and…she was smiling. Smiling! He stared out at the road, barely seeing it.

  “We won’t fight anymore, and both our moms will help with the baby. It won’t even be that hard. It’ll be fun.”

  No. It won’t. It won’t be fun. He couldn’t breathe.

  “I’m nineteen years old,” he muttered under his
breath, knowing she was just as young, but…this is what she’d wanted. This is what she’d asked him for. To stay home, to get married.

  My brothers would have never done something like this.

  “Slow down.”

  Bare winter trees flew past on his left, but he didn’t slow down, as if maybe he could outrun this. His car the only thing he had to hold on to, the speed the only thing he could control.

  Rachel went on and on. Where they would live, job ideas she had for him, and he was sick. He had the tedious and fleeting thought he should pull over so he didn’t puke in his car.

  “Aren’t you excited?”

  He struggled to breathe.

  Quit football. Quit school. Get a job. Support a family.

  His heart pounded painfully and his chest squeezed. Rachel was hammering at him, screaming at him. I don’t want this. I don’t. He needed air.

  “You should be happy! It’s your baby!”

  “Well, I’m not! I’m not happy!”

  He snapped like he always did when Rachel screamed at him, pushed him. Always backing him into a corner. They rounded a sharp turn and he saw an instant too late he was going too fast to make it, and then they weren’t on the road anymore.

  Trees on both sides. Nowhere to go. The screeching of metal losing the battle against wood. When he’d come to, he was in the woods, the front end of his Mazda molded around a tree. His legs alternated between a burning fire and no feeling at all. Rachel moaned beside him, her head lolled to the side. A thin line of blood trickled from her forehead down to the tip of her nose.

  And then there was nothing.

  Over the next days, he’d drifted through a morphine haze, waking to voices of family members and hands of nurses.

  The seatbelts and airbags had saved them, reducing certain death to only minor injuries. Except for his leg. It seemed unreal. It felt like he was moving both feet, both legs. But he wasn’t. Because from five inches below his right knee, one leg was gone. The shock of it overrode everything else until the door opened and Rachel walked in. He knew she was okay—his mother had told him that days ago—but he didn’t want to see anyone. Didn’t want her pity.

  Good thing, because he didn’t get it.

  Her gaze fell to the sheet covering the lower half of his body and remained there a long while before finally raising to meet his eyes. And it all came rushing back. Those last seconds. The road. The news. Rachel didn’t move closer, but he felt her energy like a bomb seconds from detonation.

  “I’m not pregnant anymore,” she’d blurted, her eyes angry. “Did you know that?”

  No. He hadn’t known.

  “So, you got what you wanted. I hope you’re happy now.”

  Happy? No. Just sick at all that had happened in an instant. All that had been lost. And even sicker looking into Rachel’s accusing eyes.

  She turned to go, then stopped at the door and seared him with one last look. She shook her head slowly. “You don’t deserve a family.” Her tone was harsh, unforgiving. Not that he was asking for any.

  He was alive and the baby, the child he hadn’t wanted, was dead.

  Chapter 15

  JT held Casey up for a clear view of the 3-D printing machine. She literally vibrated with excitement as she watched what looked like a robotic arm make the mold for her new prosthesis right before her eyes. She’d had a laser-guided scan for the most precise fitting a couple of hours ago. With that information, the computer was building the mold. Next, a clear sheet of thermoplastic would be heated and vacuum-formed around that mold to make a test socket.

  “And after this it’s ready?”

  “Not quite. After we make sure it fits, we’ll make the real one.”

  “The purple part?”

  “Yes.” For the socket, she’d chosen black polypropylene with specs of purple that glittered in the light.

  Casey had miraculously run out of questions five minutes ago and was now content to watch. He was content, too, as he adjusted her in his arms. He’d done better with her today than he would have thought. She’d eaten and laughed and hadn’t cried for Paige even once.

  Month after month, as Lynn’s unborn child grew, so had his guilt and regret over the child he’d lost and the man he hadn’t been. He’d assumed it’d be the same with Casey, but it wasn’t. Instead, he was filled with an overwhelming sense of protectiveness, even pride.

  A door opened and closed behind him, and he turned to see Lynn ambling toward him.

  “Hey. You okay?”

  “No. I’m going into labor and came to find you.” She rolled her eyes at his panicked expression and reached down to pet Boulder on the head. “I’m kidding. I was looking for you, though, but I see you’re busy. Who’s this?”

  “This is Casey. Casey, this is Lynn.” He’d told her about Casey and that he was reworking her prosthetic leg, but that didn’t explain why he had her here in the lab with him.

  Casey finally tore her gaze from the machine and found something else interesting. “Hi. You’re going to have a baby!”

  “Yes, I am.” Lynn patted Casey’s little back, smiling even as her eyes filled. “Hush,” she told him before he could comment. “It’s hormones.”

  “I love babies,” Casey went on. “I never held one, but I love them. They’re like kittens. Maybe I can hold yours.” She cupped her hands together like she was holding water.

  Lynn gathered herself and rubbed Casey’s back again. “You are just the sweetest thing.”

  “Thank you. We’re making my new leg, and it’s gonna be like Jake’s except more sparkly because he’s a boy. I’m going to name it.”

  “Really?” Lynn asked. “Do you have any ideas?”

  “Maybe Leggy.”

  “I like that,” Lynn said, nodding, then sent him a questioning look.

  “Paige had to go back—Casey’s mom,” he corrected when Lynn’s eyebrows shot up, “had to get back to work.” Back for an extra half shift she shouldn’t have worked today. He hadn’t seen her since Sunday, and damn, she’d looked tired. “I suggested Casey stay after we got the scans we needed so she could see how a prosthesis is made.”

  “Interesting.”

  Yes. It was interesting, but Paige’s stress and the shadows under her eyes combined with Casey’s enthusiasm to spend time at Evolution had prompted him to insist. He’d even stretched the truth a bit, telling Paige that Casey had to stay in order to finish the scans. He just opened his mouth and the words were out before he could talk himself out of it. A perpetual problem around Paige that he was beginning to expect.

  “Are you having fun?” she asked Casey.

  “Yes. I’m going swimming with Marcy and now we’re doing this, but it won’t be done today, and we’re going to ride horses.”

  “Horses?” Lynn’s surprised gaze swung to his.

  JT looked at Casey. “Um…”

  “He said we maybe would at his brother’s,” Casey added.

  “Ah. I see.” Lynn sent him a teasing glance, knowing full well he was in over his head.

  Shit. He’d already talked to Stephen and Hannah and had everything worked out except the timing. He hated not telling Casey, but he couldn’t say anything before he talked to Paige. He just had to find the right time to present it. “Right. I’ll get on that.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Casey said, nodding. “Sometimes you just gotta make it happen.”

  Now Lynn did laugh and so did he. She really was the sweetest thing, JT thought, holding her a little tighter, feeling special that even with the glorious Lynn standing here—easily one of the top five human beings on the planet—Casey chose to stay in his arms.

  He held her a little closer, his chest feeling a lot tighter, as they went back to their task of creating something he prayed would make her happy.

  It was almost seven thirty when Paige appeared in his office doorway, looking decidedly more strung out than she had just four hours earlier.

  “I’m sorry. The girl on the next
shift was late, and then I hit a crazy amount of traffic.”

  He stood and crossed the room, stopping a foot in front of her. The shadows under her eyes cut right through him, and he ached to pull her into his arms.

  “How was Casey?”

  “Good. She just went for round two in the pool with Marcy about an hour ago. Lucky you had her suit in the car. She’s had a big day.”

  Paige closed her eyes in a long, exhausted blink. “I’m so sorry. It’s late. I know everyone doesn’t work this late.”

  “I told you, we’re always here late. A lot of people come for PT after work. Stop worrying.” God knew she had enough to worry about.

  “Okay.” She breathed out a long sigh.

  “Bad day?”

  “No. You know.” She shrugged. “Just the usual.”

  “Like?”

  “Like I have a test in two days and I’m not ready, for one thing.”

  He brushed back a few strands of hair that had slipped from her ponytail. Who worried about Paige? Who made sure she ate and rested and smiled? For someone who didn’t want to take care of anybody but himself, he had this urgent need to take care of her.

  “Let me take you home. I’ll feed you, you can study.”

  She gave him a suspicious look, and after his thoughts in the shower he didn’t blame her, but he could do what was best for her. “I’m serious. Best behavior.” He held his hand up like a Boy Scout. “I promise. You’ll eat, Boulder and I will entertain Casey.”

  “She does love Boulder,” Paige said with a small smile. “I mean you’re right up there, but…”

  “Are you saying I’m second to my dog?”

  She smiled and the muscle between her eyes relaxed a little.

  “That’s okay. I can take it. Boulder does have a certain charm.” He studied her a moment. “Paige. You’re tired. You’re going to burn yourself out if you keep going like this, and then what good will you be?”

  She bit her bottom lip and he could see her wavering.