The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  No, my perfect master: but to do a jig off a tune atthe tongue's end, canary to it with your feet, humour

  The tongue’s end, dance to it with your feet, humorit with turning up your eyelids, sigh a note and

  It by turning up your eyelids, sigh a note andsing a note, sometime through the throat, as if you

  Sing a note, sometimes through the throat, as if youswallowed love with singing love, sometime through

  Swallowed love with singing love, sometimes throughthe nose, as if you snuffed up love by smelling

  The nose, as if you sniffed up love by smellinglove; with your hat penthouse-like o'er the shop of

  Love; with your hat like a balcony over the shop ofyour eyes; with your arms crossed on your thin-belly

  Your eyes; with your arms crossed on your thin bellydoublet like a rabbit on a spit; or your hands in

  Jacket like a rabbit on a spit; or your hands inyour pocket like a man after the old painting; and

  Your pocket like a man in an old painting; andkeep not too long in one tune, but a snip and away.

  Don’t keep singing one tune for too long, but do snippets of different songs.These are complements, these are humours; these

  These are gentlemanly accomplishments, these are amusing; thesebetray nice wenches, that would be betrayed without

  Betray coy girls, that would be betrayed withoutthese; and make them men of note--do you note

  These; and make them noteworthy men—are you notingme?--that most are affected to these.

  What I’m saying?—that are the most drawn to these.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO How hast thou purchased this experience?

  Have you yourself purchased this experience?MOTH By my penny of observation.

  With my penny of observation.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO But O,--but O,--

  But oh,--- but oh,---MOTH 'The hobby-horse is forgot.'

  ‘The hobby-horse has been forgotten.’

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Callest thou my love 'hobby-horse'?

  Are you calling my love a ‘prostitute’?

  MOTH No, master; the hobby-horse is but a colt, and your

  No, master, the prostitute is only a slut, and yourlove perhaps a hackney. But have you forgot your love?

  Love is maybe just promiscuous. But have you forgot your love’s name?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Almost I had.

  I almost did.MOTH Negligent student! learn her by heart.

  Neglectful student! Learn her by heart.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO By heart and in heart, boy.

  By heart and in heart, boy.MOTH And out of heart, master: all those three I will prove.

  And out of heart, master: all those three I will prove.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO What wilt thou prove?

  What will you prove?MOTH A man, if I live; and this, by, in, and without, upon

  I will prove to be a man, if I live; and this, by, in, and without, onthe instant: by heart you love her, because your

  The instant: by heart you love her, because yourheart cannot come by her; in heart you love her,heart cannot get close to her; you love her in your heart

  because your heart is in love with her; and out of

  Because your heart is in love with her; and out ofheart you love her, being out of heart that you

  Heart you love her, being out of spirits since youcannot enjoy her.

  Cannot enjoy her.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I am all these three.

  I am all these three.

  MOTH And three times as much more, and yet nothing at

  And three times as much more, and yet nothing atall.

  All.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Fetch hither the swain: he must carry me a letter.

  Fetch me the country boy: he must carry a letter for me.MOTH A message well sympathized; a horse to be ambassador

  A message well matched; a horse to be an ambassdorfor an ass.

  For an ass.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Ha, ha! what sayest thou?

  Ha, Ha! What did you say to me?MOTH Marry, sir, you must send the ass upon the horse,

  Only, sir, that you must send that ass on horseback,for he is very slow-gaited. But I go.

  Since he is so slow. But I’ll go.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The way is but short: away!

  The way is very short: go!MOTH As swift as lead, sir.

  As fast as lead, sir.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The meaning, pretty ingenious?

  And what’s the meaning of that, smart guy?Is not lead a metal heavy, dull, and slow?

  Isn’t lead a heavy metal, dull and slow?MOTH Minime, honest master; or rather, master, no.

  Not at all, master; or rather, no, master.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I say lead is slow.

  I say lead is slow.MOTH You are too swift, sir, to say so:

  You are too swift to say so, sir.Is that lead slow which is fired from a gun?

  Is lead slow that is fired from a gun?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Sweet smoke of rhetoric!

  Sweet smoke of rhetoric!He reputes me a cannon; and the bullet, that's he:

  He calls me a cannon; and him a bullet:I shoot thee at the swain.

  I shoot you at the country boy!MOTH Thump then and I flee.

  “Boom” then and I run away.ExitDON ADRIANO DE ARMADO A most acute juvenal; voluble and free of grace!

  A very keen young man; quick-witted and charming!By thy favour, sweet welkin, I must sigh in thy face:

  By your favor, sweet sky, I must sigh in your face:Most rude melancholy, valour gives thee place.

  And such rude melancholy, courage gives way to you.My herald is return'd.

  My herald has retunred.Re-enter MOTH with COSTARDMOTH A wonder, master! here's a costard broken in a shin.

  It’s a mystery, master! Here is Costard, with a bruised shin.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Some enigma, some riddle: come, thy l'envoy; begin.

  Some puzzle, some riddle: come, tell us your l’envoy.

  COSTARD No enigma, no riddle, no l'envoy; no salve in the

  No puzzle, no riddle, no l’envoy; there’s no salve in themail, sir: O, sir, plantain, a plain plantain! No

  Mail, sir: O, sir, an ointment, a plain ointment! Nol'envoy, no l'envoy; no salve, sir, but a plantain!

  l’envoy, no l’envoy; no salve, sir, but an ointment!

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO By virtue, thou enforcest laughter; thy silly

  My word, you make me laugh; my spleenthought my spleen; the heaving of my lungs provokes

  Thinks you’re silly; the heaving of my lungs provokesme to ridiculous smiling. O, pardon me, my stars!

  Me to smile ridiculously. O, pardon me, my stars!Doth the inconsiderate take salve for l'envoy, and

  Does the fool think that ointment means l’envoy, andthe word l'envoy for a salve?

  The word l’envoy means ointment?MOTH Do the wise think them other? is not l'envoy a salve?

  Do the wise think that they’re not? Isn’t a l’envoy an ointment?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO No, page: it is an epilogue or discourse, to make plain

  No, young one: it is an epilogue or conversation, to make understoodSome obscure precedence that hath tofore been sain.

  Some hidden moral.I will example it:

  Here’s an example:The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,

  The fox, the ape, and the humble bee,Were still at odds, being but three.

  Were still at odds, since there were only three of them.There's the moral. Now the l'envoy.

  There’s the moral. Now the l’envoy.MOTH I will add the l'envoy. Say the moral again.

  I will add the l’envoy. Say the moral again.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,

  The fox, the ape, and the humble bee,

  Were still at odds, being but three.

  Were still at odds, since there were only three of them.MOTH Until the goose came out of door,

&
nbsp; Until the goose came out the door,And stay'd the odds by adding four.

  And fixed the odds by making them four.Now will I begin your moral, and do you follow with

  Now I will begin your moral, and you follow withmy l'envoy.

  My l’envoy.The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,

  The fox, the ape, and the humble bee,Were still at odds, being but three.

  Were still at odds, since there were only three of them.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Until the goose came out of door,

  Until the goose came out the door,Staying the odds by adding four.

  And fixed the odds by making them four.MOTH A good l'envoy, ending in the goose: would you

  A good l’envoy ending in the goose: would you desire more?

  Desire more?COSTARD The boy hath sold him a bargain, a goose, that's flat.

  The boy has sold him a bargain, a goose, that’s flat.Sir, your pennyworth is good, an your goose be fat.

  Sir, your contribution is good, and your goose is fat.To sell a bargain well is as cunning as fast and loose:

  To sell a bargain well is as cunning as it is fast and loose.Let me see; a fat l'envoy; ay, that's a fat goose.

  Let me see, a fat l’envoy; yes, that’s a fat goose.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Come hither, come hither. How did this argument begin?

  Come now, come now. How did this argument begin?

  MOTH By saying that a costard was broken in a shin.

  By saying that Costard had a broken shin.Then call'd you for the l'envoy.

  Then you asked for the l’envoy.COSTARD True, and I for a plantain: thus came your

  True, and I asked for an ointment: then yourargument in;

  Argument started;Then the boy's fat l'envoy, the goose that you bought;

  Then the boy’s fat l’envoy, the goose that you bought;And he ended the market.

  And he ended the market.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO But tell me; how was there a costard broken in a shin?

  But tell me; how did Costard break his shin?MOTH I will tell you sensibly.

  I will tell you.COSTARD Thou hast no feeling of it, Moth: I will speak that l'envoy:

  You can’t even feel it, Moth: I will speak that l’envoy:I Costard, running out, that was safely within,

  I, Costard, running out, from where I was safely within,Fell over the threshold and broke my shin.

  Fell over the doorway and broke my shin.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO We will talk no more of this matter.

  We will talk no more of this matter.COSTARD Till there be more matter in the shin.

  Until there is more matter in the shin.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Sirrah Costard, I will enfranchise thee.

  Slave Costard, I will free you.

  COSTARD O, marry me to one Frances: I smell some l'envoy,

  O, marry me to Frances: I smell some l’envoy,some goose, in this.

  Some goose, in this.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO By my sweet soul, I mean setting thee at liberty,

  By my sweet soul, I mean setting you free,enfreedoming thy person; thou wert immured,

  Freeing your person; you were confined,restrained, captivated, bound.

  Restrained, held captive, bound.COSTARD True, true; and now you will be my purgation and let me loose.

  True, true; and now you will be my purification and let me loose.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I give thee thy liberty, set thee from durance; and,

  I give you your freedom, end your long imprisonment; andin lieu thereof, impose on thee nothing but this:

  Instead of that, impose on you nothing but this:bear this significant

  Take thisGiving a letterto the country maid Jaquenetta:

  To the country maid Jaquenetta:there is remuneration; for the best ward of mine

  There is remuneration; for the best guard of myhonour is rewarding my dependents. Moth, follow.

  honor is rewarding my dependents. Moth, go with him.ExitMOTH Like the sequel, I. Signior Costard, adieu.

  I will be like the sequel. Mister Costard, goodbye.COSTARD My sweet ounce of man's flesh! my incony Jew!

  You sweet ounce of man’s flesh! You rare and pretty Jew!Exit MOTH

  Now will I look to his remuneration. Remuneration!

  Now I will look for his remuneration. Remuneration!O, that's the Latin word for three farthings: three

  O, that’s the Latin word for three pennies: threefarthings--remuneration.--'What's the price of this

  Pennies—payment—‘How much for this inkle?'--'One penny.'--'No, I'll give you a

  Linen?’—‘One cent.’—‘No, I’ll give you a remuneration:' why, it carries it. Remuneration!

  Remuneration:’ it wins the day. Remuneration!why, it is a fairer name than French crown. I will

  It’s has a nicer ring to it that French crown. I willnever buy and sell out of this word.

  Never buy and sell without using this word.Enter BIRONBIRON O, my good knave Costard! exceedingly well met.

  O, my young rogue Costard! Very good to see you.COSTARD Pray you, sir, how much carnation ribbon may a man

  Please, sir, how much pink ribbon may a manbuy for a remuneration?buy for a remuneration?

  BIRON What is a remuneration?

  What is a remuneration?COSTARD Marry, sir, halfpenny farthing.

  Well, sir, three pennies.BIRON Why, then, three-farthing worth of silk.

  Well, then, three pennies worth of silk.COSTARD I thank your worship: God be wi' you!

  I thank you your worship: God be with you!

  BIRON Stay, slave; I must employ thee:

  Wait, slave; I need you to do something for me.As thou wilt win my favour, good my knave,

  If you want to win my good regard, my good rogue,Do one thing for me that I shall entreat.

  Do this one thing for me that I ask.COSTARD When would you have it done, sir?

  When do you need it done, sir?BIRON This afternoon.

  This afternoon.COSTARD Well, I will do it, sir: fare you well.

  Well, I will do it, sir: goodbye.BIRON Thou knowest not what it is.

  You don’t even know what it is.COSTARD I shall know, sir, when I have done it.

  I will know, sir, when I have done it.BIRON Why, villain, thou must know first.

  No, scoundrel, you must know what it is first.COSTARD I will come to your worship to-morrow morning.

  I will come to you tomorrow morning, your worship.BIRON It must be done this afternoon.

  But it must be done this afternoon.Hark, slave, it is but this:

  Listen, slave, it is only this:The princess comes to hunt here in the park,

  The princess comes to hunt here in the park,And in her train there is a gentle lady;

  And with her there is a gently lady;When tongues speak sweetly, then they name her name,

  When tongues speak sweetly, then they say her name,And Rosaline they call her: ask for her;

  And Rosaline they call her: ask for her;And to her white hand see thou do commend

  And into her white hand see that you entrustThis seal'd-up counsel. There's thy guerdon; go.

  This sealed up private letter. There’s your guerdon; go.Giving him a shillingCOSTARD Gardon, O sweet gardon! better than remuneration,

  Gardon, O sweet gardon! This is better than remuneration,a'leven-pence farthing better: most sweet gardon! I

  Eleven pennies better: most sweet gardon! Iwill do it sir, in print. Gardon! Remuneration!

  Will do it sir, most exactly. Gardon! Remuneration!ExitBIRON And I, forsooth, in love! I, that have been love's whip;

  And I, truly, in love! I, who has been love’s whip;A very beadle to a humorous sigh;

  A parish officer, who whips any emotional sigh;A critic, nay, a night-watch constable;

  A critic, no, a night watch officer; A domineering pedant o'er the boy;

  A domineering prude over the boy;Than whom no mortal so magnificent!

  Than whom no mortal so magnifice
nt!This whimpled, whining, purblind, wayward boy;

  This blindfolded, whining, completely blind, wayward boy;This senior-junior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid;

  This older young one, giant-dwarf, Sir Cupid;Regent of love-rhymes, lord of folded arms,

  Regent of love-rhymes, lord of melancholy,The anointed sovereign of sighs and groans,

  The anointed king of sighs and groans,Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,

  Lord of all loiterers and malcontents,Dread prince of plackets, king of codpieces,

  Dreaded prince of petticoats, kind of codpieces,Sole imperator and great general

  Sole commander and great general

  Of trotting 'paritors:--O my little heart:--

  Of trotting apparitors; --O my little heart:--And I to be a corporal of his field,

  And for me to be a corporal of his fieldAnd wear his colours like a tumbler's hoop!

  And wear his colors like a clown!What, I! I love! I sue! I seek a wife!

  What, I?! I love! I sue! I seek a wife!A woman, that is like a German clock,

  A woman, that is like a German clock,Still a-repairing, ever out of frame,

  Always needing repair, always out of order,And never going aright, being a watch,

  And never going to be right, being a watch,But being watch'd that it may still go right!

  Unless it is watched carefully to make sure it doesn’t stray!Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all;

  No, to be guilty of breaking my oath, which is worst of all;And, among three, to love the worst of all;

  And, out of three, to love the worst of all;A wightly wanton with a velvet brow,

  A ghostly-pale, promiscuous woman with a velvet brow,With two pitch-balls stuck in her face for eyes;

  With two pitch-black balls stuck in her face for eyes;Ay, and by heaven, one that will do the deed

  Yes, and by heaven, one that will engage in intercourseThough Argus were her eunuch and her guard:

  Even if Argus, the beast with one hundred eyes were her eunuch and guard:And I to sigh for her! to watch for her!

  And for me to sigh for her! To lose sleep over her!To pray for her! Go to; it is a plague

  To pray for her! Go to; it is a plagueThat Cupid will impose for my neglect

  That Cupid will impose on me for ignoringOf his almighty dreadful little might.