The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Uneducated, unpruned, untrained, or rather,unlettered, or ratherest, unconfirmed fashion, to

  Unlettered, or unconfirmed way, toinsert again my haud credo for a deer.

  interpret again my ‘haud credo’ to mean a deer.DULL I said the deer was not a haud credo; twas a pricket.

  I said the deer was not a haud credo; it was a young buck.HOLOFERNES Twice-sod simplicity, his coctus!

  Twice boiled simplicity, twice cooked!O thou monster Ignorance, how deformed dost thou look!

  O you monster, Ignorance, how deformed you look!

  SIR NATHANIEL Sir, he hath never fed of the dainties that are bred

  Sir he has never fed from the foods that are bredin a book; he hath not eat paper, as it were; he

  In a book; he has not eaten paper, as it were; hehath not drunk ink: his intellect is not

  Has not drunk ink: his intellect is notreplenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in

  Replenished; he is only an animal, only capable of perception inthe duller parts:

  The duller parts:And such barren plants are set before us, that we

  And just like the barren plants that are set before us, that wethankful should be,

  Should be thankful for.Which we of taste and feeling are, for those parts that

  We who have taste and feeling are, for those parts thatdo fructify in us more than he.

  Do grow fruitful in us more than in him.For as it would ill become me to be vain, indiscreet, or a fool,

  Just as it would not be becoming for me to be vain, indiscreet or a fool,So were there a patch set on learning, to see him in a school:

  It would be the same to set a dolt or fool to start learning: But omne bene, say I; being of an old father's mind,

  But I say all is well; being of the opinion of an ancient sage,Many can brook the weather that love not the wind.

  Many can put up with the weather that do not love the wind.DULL You two are book-men: can you tell me by your wit

  You two are smart men: can you tell me by your witWhat was a month old at Cain's birth, that's not five

  What was a month old when Cain was born, but that’s not fiveweeks old as yet?

  Weeks old as of yet?HOLOFERNES Dictynna, goodman Dull; Dictynna, goodman Dull.

  Dictynna, my good man Dull; Dictynna, my good man.DULL What is Dictynna?

  What is Dictynna?

  SIR NATHANIEL A title to Phoebe, to Luna, to the moon.

  Another name for Phoebe, Luna, for the moon.HOLOFERNES The moon was a month old when Adam was no more,

  The moon was a month old when Adam was no more,And raught not to five weeks when he came to

  And hadn’t reached five weeks when he becamefive-score.

  Fifty years old.The allusion holds in the exchange.

  The riddle remains valid in the substitution of Adam for Cain.DULL 'Tis true indeed; the collusion holds in the exchange.

  It’s true indeed; the conspiracy stays in the exchange.HOLOFERNES God comfort thy capacity! I say, the allusion holds

  God comfort your tiny brain! I said, the riddle still applies in the exchange.

  If you exchange the names.DULL And I say, the pollusion holds in the exchange; for

  And I say, the pollution stays in the exchange; forthe moon is never but a month old: and I say beside

  The moon is never more than a month old: and I say besides that, 'twas a pricket that the princess killed.

  That, it was a young buck that the princess killed.HOLOFERNES Sir Nathaniel, will you hear an extemporal epitaph

  Sir Nathaniel, will you hear an improvised epitaphon the death of the deer? And, to humour the

  On the death of the deer? And, to humor theignorant, call I the deer the princess killed a pricket.

  Ignorant one, I’ll call the deer the princess killed a young buck.SIR NATHANIEL Perge, good Master Holofernes, perge; so it shall

  Proceed, good Master Holofernes, proceed; so it willplease you to abrogate scurrility.

  Please you to refrain from any obscene abuse.HOLOFERNES I will something affect the letter, for it argues facility.

  I will somewhat make use of alliteration, for it requires skill.The preyful princess pierced and prick'd a pretty

  The princess intent upon a prey, pierced and shot a prettypleasing pricket;

  Pleasing young buck;Some say a sore; but not a sore, till now made

  Some say a sore, a deer of four years; but it was not a sore, until just now sore with shooting.

  Made sore with being shot.The dogs did yell: put L to sore, then sorel jumps

  The dogs yelled; put fifty to sore, then sorel, a dear of three years, jumpsfrom thicket;

  From the thicketOr pricket sore, or else sorel; the people fall a-hooting.

  Either a young buck of four years, or else three; the people start hooting.If sore be sore, then L to sore makes fifty sores

  If sore is sore, the fifty to sore makes fifty soresone sorel.

  One sorel.Of one sore I an hundred make by adding but one more L.

  I can make one sore into a hundred by adding one more fifty.SIR NATHANIEL A rare talent!

  A rare talent!DULL [Aside] If a talent be a claw, look how he claws

  [Aside] If a talent were a claw, look how he flattershim with a talent.

  Him with his talons.HOLOFERNES This is a gift that I have, simple, simple; a

  This is a gift that I have, simple, simple; afoolish extravagant spirit, full of forms, figures,

  Foolish extravagant spirit, full of forms, figures,shapes, objects, ideas, apprehensions, motions,

  Shapes, objects, ideas, apprehensions, motions,revolutions: these are begot in the ventricle of

  Revolutions: these come from the part of the brain used formemory, nourished in the womb of pia mater, and

  Memory, nourished in the womb of the membrane surrounding the brain, anddelivered upon the mellowing of occasion. But the

  Is delivered when the moment is ripe. But thegift is good in those in whom it is acute, and I am

  Gift is good for those people that have it acutely, and I amthankful for it.

  Thankful for it.SIR NATHANIEL Sir, I praise the Lord for you; and so may my

  Sir, I praise the Lord for you; and so are theparishioners; for their sons are well tutored by

  people in my parish; for their sons are well tutored byyou, and their daughters profit very greatly under

  you, and their daughters profit very greatly underyou: you are a good member of the commonwealth.

  Your teaching: you are a good member of the community.HOLOFERNES Mehercle, if their sons be ingenuous, they shall

  By Hercules, if their sons are naïve they willwant no instruction; if their daughters be capable,

  Not Lack instruction; I their daughters are capable,I will put it to them: but vir sapit qui pauca

  I will put it to them: but he is a wise man wholoquitur; a soul feminine saluteth us.

  Speaks little; a feminine soul is saluting us.Enter JAQUENETTA and COSTARDJAQUENETTA God give you good morrow, master Parson.

  God give you a good day, master Parson.HOLOFERNES Master Parson, quasi pers-on. An if one should be

  Master Parson, you mean person. And if one should bepierced, which is the one?

  The pierced-one, which is the one?COSTARD Marry, master schoolmaster, he that is likest to a hogshead.

  Well, master schoolteacher, he that is the most alike to a hogshead.HOLOFERNES Piercing a hogshead! a good lustre of conceit in a

  Getting drunk! A good spark of fancy in a

  tuft of earth; fire enough for a flint, pearl enough

  tuft of earth; enough fire for a flint, enough pearlfor a swine: 'tis pretty; it is well.

  For a swine: it’s pretty, it is good.JAQUENETTA Good master Parson, be so good as read me this

  Good master Person, if you would be so good as to read me thisletter: it was given me by Costard, and sent me

  Letter: it was given to me by Costard, and sent to mefrom Don Armad
o: I beseech you, read it.

  From Don Armado: I beg you, read it.HOLOFERNES Fauste, precor gelida quando pecus omne sub umbra

  Faustus, I beg, while all the cattle chew their cudRuminat,--and so forth. Ah, good old Mantuan! I

  In the cool shade—and so forth. Ah good old Mantuan! Imay speak of thee as the traveller doth of Venice;

  Could talk about you the way a traveler talks of Venice;Venetia, Venetia,

  Venice, Venice,Chi non ti vede non ti pretia.

  He who sees you not, loves you not.Old Mantuan, old Mantuan! who understandeth thee

  Old Manuan, old Mantuan! Who understands younot, loves thee not. Ut, re, sol, la, mi, fa.

  Not, loves you not. Do, re, mi, fa so , la, ti, do.Under pardon, sir, what are the contents? or rather,

  I beg pardon, sir, what are the contents of this letter? or rather,as Horace says in his--What, my soul, verses?

  As Horace says in his—What, my soul, verses?SIR NATHANIEL Ay, sir, and very learned.

  Yes, sir, and very educated.HOLOFERNES Let me hear a staff, a stanze, a verse; lege, domine.

  Let me hear a staff, a stanza, a verse; read, master.SIR NATHANIEL [Reads]If love make me forsworn, how shall I swear to love?

  If love makes me break my oath, how can I swear to love?

  Ah, never faith could hold, if not to beauty vow'd!

  Oh, faith could never hold, if it is not vowed to beauty!Though to myself forsworn, to thee I'll faithful prove:

  Though I have broken my promise to myself, I’ll prove to be faithful to you;Those thoughts to me were oaks, to thee like

  Those thoughts that were like strong oak trees, that have bowed likeosiers bow'd.

  Willow branches.Study his bias leaves and makes his book thine eyes,

  Study leaves his normal inclination, and makes his book your eyes,Where all those pleasures live that art would

  Where all the pleasures live that art wouldcomprehend:

  Understand:If knowledge be the mark, to know thee shall suffice;

  If knowledge is the goal, to know you will suffice;Well learned is that tongue that well can thee commend,

  I know very well the language that can praise you,All ignorant that soul that sees thee without wonder;

  Anyone who looks at you without wonder is ignorant;Which is to me some praise that I thy parts admire:

  Which in a way praises me for admiring you:Thy eye Jove's lightning bears, thy voice his dreadful thunder,

  In your eyes, Zeus’ lightning, in your voice, his dreadful thunder,Which not to anger bent, is music and sweet fire.

  Which is not full of anger, it’s full of music and sweet fire.Celestial as thou art, O, pardon, love, this wrong,

  Celestial as you are, O, pardon me love, for this wrong,That sings heaven's praise with such an earthly tongue.

  That tries to sing heaven’s praise with such an earthly tongue.HOLOFERNES You find not the apostraphas, and so miss the

  You didn’t see the apostrophes, so you missed theaccent: let me supervise the canzonet. Here are

  Accent: let me glance over the poem. Here the language isonly numbers ratified; but, for the elegancy,

  Merely made metrical; but as for elegance,facility, and golden cadence of poesy, caret.usefulness and golden cadence of poetry, it’s lacking.

  Ovidius Naso was the man: and why, indeed, Naso,

  Ovidius Naso was the man. And indeed he was Nasalbut for smelling out the odouriferous flowers of

  In order to smell the odorous flowers offancy, the jerks of invention? Imitari is nothing:

  Fantasy, the stroke of imagination? To imitate is nothing:so doth the hound his master, the ape his keeper,As the hound does what his master commands, the ape obeys his keeper

  the tired horse his rider. But, damosella virgin,

  the tired horse obeys his rider. But, girlwas this directed to you?was this meant for you?

  JAQUENETTA Ay, sir, from one Monsieur Biron, one of the strange

  Yes, sir, from Monsier Biron, one of the foreignqueen's lords.

  Queen’s lords.HOLOFERNES I will overglance the superscript: 'To the

  I will take a look at the address: ‘To the snow-white hand of the most beauteous Ladysnow-white hand of the most beautiful Lady

  Rosaline.' I will look again on the intellect of

  Rosaline.’ I will look again at the meaning ofthe letter, for the nomination of the party writing

  The letter, for the naming of the person writingto the person written unto: 'Your ladyship's in allto the person written to: ‘Your ladyship’s much

  desired employment, BIRON.' Sir Nathaniel, thisdesired service, Biron.’ Sir Nathaniel, this

  Biron is one of the votaries with the king; and hereBiron is one of the king’s party; and here

  he hath framed a letter to a sequent of the strangerhe has written a letter to the attendant of the foreign

  queen's, which accidentally, or by the way of

  queen’s, which accidentally, or by process of progression, hath miscarried. Trip and go, my

  delivery, was delivered to the wrong person. Hurry and go, mysweet; deliver this paper into the royal hand of the

  sweet; get this letter to the royal hand of theking: it may concern much. Stay not thy

  king: it may be important. Don’t worry about compliment; I forgive thy duty; adieu.

  Ceremony; No need to curtsy; Goodbye. JAQUENETTA Good Costard, go with me. Sir, God save your life!

  Good Costard, go with me. Sir, God will grace you for it! COSTARD Have with thee, my girl.I’ll go with you, my girl.

  Exeunt COSTARD and JAQUENETTASIR NATHANIEL Sir, you have done this in the fear of God, very

  Sir, you have done this with respect of God, veryreligiously; and, as a certain father saith,--

  Religiously; and, as a certain priest has said, --HOLOFERNES Sir tell me not of the father; I do fear colourable

  Sir please do not speak of the priest; I do fear plausiblecolours. But to return to the verses: did they

  Reasons. But to return to the letter: Did theyplease you, Sir Nathaniel?

  please you, Sir Nathaniel?SIR NATHANIEL Marvellous well for the pen.

  Marvellous penmanship. HOLOFERNES I do dine to-day at the father's of a certain pupil

  I will have dinner today at the house of the father of a certain studentof mine; where, if, before repast, it shall please

  Of mine; where, if before feasting, it would pleaseyou to gratify the table with a grace, I will, on my

  You to grace the table with a prayer, I willprivilege I have with the parents of the foresaid

  Have with the parents of the aforementionedchild or pupil, undertake your ben venuto; where I

  child or student, ask for your welcome; where I will prove those verses to be very unlearned,

  will prove those verses to be very dull, neither savouring of poetry, wit, nor invention: Iand not poetic, witty, or imaginative: I

  beseech your society.

  Ask for your company.SIR NATHANIEL And thank you too; for society, saith the text, isAnd thank you too; for company, says the bible, is

  the happiness of life.

  What makes life happy. HOLOFERNES And, certes, the text most infallibly concludes it.And, certainly, the text most reliably affirms it.

  To DULLSir, I do invite you too; you shall not

  Sir, I invite you too; you will notsay me nay: pauca verba. Away! the gentles are attell me no: Few words. Come on! The gentlefolk are at

  their game, and we will to our recreation.

  Their game, and we will entertain ourselves as well. Exeunt

  Enter BIRON, with a paper

  BIRON The king he is hunting the deer; I am coursingThe king is out hunting deer; I am pursuing

  myself: they have pitched a toil; I am toiling inmyself: they have set a trap; I am trapped

  a pitch,--pitch that defiles: defile! a foul

  in Rosaline’s eyes,-- the trap that defiles: defile! An awfulword. Well, set thee
down, sorrow! for so they say

  word. Well, sit down with me, sorrow! For so they saythe fool said, and so say I, and I the fool: well

  the fool says, and I say as well, so I must be a fool: wellproved, wit! By the Lord, this love is as mad as

  proved, wit! By Lord, this love is as mad asAjax: it kills sheep; it kills me, I a sheep:

  Ajax: it kills sheep; it kills me, so I must be a sheep:well proved again o' my side! I will not love: ifwell proved again for my credit! I will not love: if

  I do, hang me; i' faith, I will not. O, but her

  I do, hang me; I promise, I will not. O, but hereye,--by this light, but for her eye, I would not

  Eye,--in this light, if not for her eye, I would not

  love her; yes, for her two eyes. Well, I do nothing

  love her; yes, for both her eyes. Well, I do nothingin the world but lie, and lie in my throat. By

  in the world but lie, and lie through my teeth. Byheaven, I do love: and it hath taught me to rhyme

  heaven, I do love: and it has taught me to write rhymesand to be melancholy; and here is part of my rhyme,

  and feel melancholy; and here is part of my poem,and here my melancholy. Well, she hath one o' myand here my melancholy. Well, she has one of my

  sonnets already: the clown bore it, the fool sent

  sonnets already: the clown delivered it, the fool sentit, and the lady hath it: sweet clown, sweeter

  it, and the lady has it: sweet clown, sweeter fool, sweetest lady! By the world, I would not care

  fool, sweetest lady! By the world, I would not carea pin, if the other three were in. Here comes one

  at all, if the other three were involved. Here comes onewith a paper: God give him grace to groan!

  With a letter: God give him grace to groan!Stands asideEnter FERDINAND, with a paperFERDINAND Ay me!

  Oh me!BIRON [Aside] Shot, by heaven! Proceed, sweet Cupid:

  Shot, by heaven! Come on, sweet Cupid:thou hast thumped him with thy bird-bolt under theyou have hit him with your arrow under the

  left pap. In faith, secrets!

  Left breast. He thinks he’s alone, so he will tell secrets!FERDINAND [Reads]So sweet a kiss the golden sun gives not

  So sweet a kiss the golden sun cannot giveTo those fresh morning drops upon the rose,

  To the fresh dew drops on the rose,As thy eye-beams, when their fresh rays have smoteAs my eye-beams, when their fresh rays have seen