The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  BIRON White-handed mistress, one sweet word with thee.

  White-handed mistress, I ask for one sweet word with you.PRINCESS Honey, and milk, and sugar; there is three.

  Honey, milk, sugar; there that’s three words.BIRON Nay then, two treys, and if you grow so nice,

  No then, two threes, and if you are going to be so subtle,Metheglin, wort, and malmsey: well run, dice!

  Tea, beer, wine: that was a good roll of the dice!There's half-a-dozen sweets.

  That makes half a dozen sweet things we have listed.PRINCESS Seventh sweet, adieu:

  The seventh sweet is goodbye:Since you can cog, I'll play no more with you.

  Since you can cheat, I’ll play no more with you.BIRON One word in secret.

  One word in secret.PRINCESS Let it not be sweet.

  As long as it’s not sweet.BIRON Thou grievest my gall.

  You sadden my boldness.PRINCESS Gall! bitter.

  Gall! Gall is bitter.BIRON Therefore meet.

  Therefore fitting.They converse apart

  DUMAIN Will you vouchsafe with me to change a word?

  Will you grant me the privilege of changing words with me?MARIA Name it.

  Name it.DUMAIN Fair lady,--

  Fair lady,--MARIA Say you so? Fair lord,--

  Is that the word? Fair lord,--Take that for your fair lady.

  That’s what I’ll change Fair lady to.DUMAIN Please it you,

  If it please you,As much in private, and I'll bid adieu.

  You can say that much in private and I’ll say goodbye afterwards.They converse apartKATHARINE What, was your vizard made without a tongue?

  What, was your mask made without a tongue?LONGAVILLE I know the reason, lady, why you ask.

  I know why you say that, my lady.KATHARINE O for your reason! quickly, sir; I long.

  O, let me hear your reason! quickly sir, I long to hear it.LONGAVILLE You have a double tongue within your mask,

  You have a double tongue within your mask,And would afford my speechless vizard half.

  And talk enough for the both of us.

  KATHARINE Veal, quoth the Dutchman. Is not 'veal' a calf?

  ‘Veal’ said the Dutchman. Isn’t veal a calf?LONGAVILLE A calf, fair lady!

  A calf, fair lady!KATHARINE No, a fair lord calf.

  No, a fair lord calf.LONGAVILLE Let's part the word.

  Let’s split that word between us.KATHARINE No, I'll not be your half

  No I won’t be your other halfTake all, and wean it; it may prove an ox.

  Take the whole calf and it could turn out to actually be an ox. LONGAVILLE Look, how you butt yourself in these sharp mocks!

  Look how you injure yourself with these sharp insults! Will you give horns, chaste lady? do not so.

  Will you act so agressively, abstinent lady? Please don’t.KATHARINE Then die a calf, before your horns do grow.

  Then die a calf, before you’ve grown up. LONGAVILLE One word in private with you, ere I die.

  One word in private with you, before I die. KATHARINE Bleat softly then; the butcher hears you cry.Bleat softly then little calf; or else the butcher will find you.

  They converse apartBOYET The tongues of mocking wenches are as keen

  The tongues of joking women are as sharply insulting As is the razor's edge invisible,

  As the razor’s edge is invisible, Cutting a smaller hair than may be seen,and can cut a hair so small it can’t be seen,

  Above the sense of sense; so sensiblebeyond the ability of the senses; so quick-witted

  Seemeth their conference; their conceits have wingsseems their conversation; their desires have wings

  Fleeter than arrows, bullets, wind, thought, swifter things.faster than arrows, bullets, wind, thought and things swifter than that even.

  ROSALINE Not one word more, my maids; break off, break off.

  Don’t speak another word, my maids; break off this conversation, break it off. BIRON By heaven, all dry-beaten with pure scoff!

  By heaven, we’re all beaten soundly without blood drawn by your scoffing. FERDINAND Farewell, mad wenches; you have simple wits.

  Goodbye, crazy ladies; you are dim-witted. PRINCESS Twenty adieus, my frozen Muscovits.

  Twenty goodbyes, my cold Muscovites. Exeunt FERDINAND, Lords, and BlackamoorsAre these the breed of wits so wonder'd at?Are these guys so witty as everyone says?

  BOYET Tapers they are, with your sweet breaths puff'd out.Diminished they are, when you speak.

  ROSALINE Well-liking wits they have; gross, gross; fat, fat.

  Their wits are plump and in good-condition; gross, gross; fat, fat. PRINCESS O poverty in wit, kingly-poor flout!

  O poor in wit, poor mockery of the king! Will they not, think you, hang themselves tonight?Don’t you think they will hang themselves tonight?

  Or ever, but in vizards, show their faces?

  Or ever show their faces without masks on?

  This pert Biron was out of countenance quite.This impertinent Biron seemed quite upset.

  ROSALINE O, they were all in lamentable cases!

  O, they were all in pathetic states! The king was weeping-ripe for a good word.The king was ready to weep to earn a kind word.

  PRINCESS Biron did swear himself out of all suit.

  Biron did swear himself excessively and to no avail. MARIA Dumain was at my service, and his sword:

  Dumain claimed to be at my service, and his sword: No point, quoth I; my servant straight was mute.I said was dull and blunted; that shut him up.

  KATHARINE Lord Longaville said, I came o'er his heart;

  Lord Longaville said, I came over his heart;And trow you what he called me?

  And can you guess what he called me? PRINCESS Qualm, perhaps.

  A heartsickness, perhaps. KATHARINE Yes, in good faith.

  Yes, you guessed it. PRINCESS Go, sickness as thou art!Go, sickness that you are!

  ROSALINE Well, better wits have worn plain statute-caps.Well, one could find better wits among apprentices.

  But will you hear? the king is my love sworn.But will you listen to me? The king swore his love to me.

  PRINCESS And quick Biron hath plighted faith to me.

  And fast-talking Biron has claimed to be faithful to me. KATHARINE And Longaville was for my service born.

  And Longaville was born to serve me. MARIA Dumain is mine, as sure as bark on tree.Dumain is mine, as bark is to a tree.

  BOYET Madam, and pretty mistresses, give ear:Madam, and pretty mistresses, please listen:

  Immediately they will again be hereThey will soon be here again

  In their own shapes; for it can never beWithout masks; for they will never be

  They will digest this harsh indignity.able to deal with this humiliation.

  PRINCESS Will they return?

  Will they return? BOYET They will, they will, God knows,

  They will, they will, God knows, And leap for joy, though they are lame with blows:and they will leap for joy, though they have been beaten down:

  Therefore change favours; and, when they repair,Therefore switch the charms that they will identify you by, and when they come back,

  Blow like sweet roses in this summer air.You will bloom like sweet roses in the summer air.

  PRINCESS How blow? how blow? speak to be understood.

  What do you mean bloom? bloom? Speak so I can understand you. BOYET Fair ladies mask'd are roses in their bud;

  Fair ladies, roses are concealed in their bud; Dismask'd, their damask sweet commixture shown,Unmasked their mingling red and white mixture is shown,

  Are angels vailing clouds, or roses blown.As are angels in the clouds, or roses blooming.

  PRINCESS Avaunt, perplexity! What shall we do,

  Away, riddler! Tell us what to do, If they return in their own shapes to woo?If they return without their masks to woo us?

  ROSALINE Good madam, if by me you'll be advised,

  Good madam, if you’ll let me advise you, Let's, mock them still, as well kno
wn as disguised:Let’s continue to mock them, as we know they are disguised:

  Let us complain to them what fools were here,Let us complain to them about the fools that were here,

  Disguised like Muscovites, in shapeless gear;Disguised like Muscovites, in unshapely apparel;

  And wonder what they were and to what endAnd we will wonder aloud who they were and what they wanted

  Their shallow shows and prologue vilely penn'dTheir shallowness shows and their actions vilely motivated

  And their rough carriage so ridiculous,And the way they carry themselves so ridiculous,

  Should be presented at our tent to us.Should be shown to us at our tent.

  BOYET Ladies, withdraw: the gallants are at hand.Ladies, go to your tents: the men are coming back.

  PRINCESS Whip to our tents, as roes run o'er land.

  Quickly let’s go to our tents, as swiftly as deer run over land. Exeunt PRINCESS, ROSALINE, KATHARINE, and MARIARe-enter FERDINAND, BIRON, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAIN, in their proper habitsFERDINAND Fair sir, God save you! Where's the princess?

  Fair sir, God save you! Where’s the princess? BOYET Gone to her tent. Please it your majesty

  She’s gone to her tent. Would it please your majestyCommand me any service to her thither?

  To command me to go ask anything of her there? FERDINAND That she vouchsafe me audience for one word.

  That she would allow me to speak to her.BOYET I will; and so will she, I know, my lord.I will; and I know she will too, my lord.

  ExitBIRON This fellow pecks up wit as pigeons pease,This guy gathers wit as pigeons eat peas,

  And utters it again when God doth please:And is able to speak wittily whenever God pleases:

  He is wit's pedler, and retails his waresHe is a salesman of wit, and sells his goods

  At wakes and wassails, meetings, markets, fairs;At funerals and parties, meetings, markets, and fairs;

  And we that sell by gross, the Lord doth know,And we that buy it at cost, the Lord knows,

  Have not the grace to grace it with such show.Don’t have the grace to do it justice

  This gallant pins the wenches on his sleeve;He flaunts his success with women like they were charms on a bracelet

  Had he been Adam, he had tempted Eve;If he had been Adam, he would have tempted Eve with the apple;

  A' can carve too, and lisp: why, this is heAnd he can woo with his affability too: why, this is he

  That kiss'd his hand away in courtesy;that gives his hand as a courtesy

  This is the ape of form, monsieur the nice,This is the ape of manners, master of the demanding,

  That, when he plays at tables, chides the dice

  That, when he gambles, he lectures the diceIn honourable terms: nay, he can sing

  About their honor: No, he can singA mean most meanly; and in usheringwith a fairly decent voice; and in being a gentleman

  Mend him who can: the ladies call him sweet;allows anyone who can improve him to do so: the ladies say he’s sweet;

  The stairs, as he treads on them, kiss his feet:The stairs kiss his feet as he walks on them:

  This is the flower that smiles on every one,This is the flower that smiles at every one,

  To show his teeth as white as whale's bone;To show how his teeth are as white as a whale’s bone;

  And consciences, that will not die in debt,And anyone who doesn’t want to be in debt to anyone,

  Pay him the due of honey-tongued Boyet.Pay what is owed to sweet-talking Boyet

  FERDINAND A blister on his sweet tongue, with my heart,I hope he gets a blister on his sweet tongue,

  That put Armado's page out of his part!Since he put Armado’s page out of his part!

  BIRON See where it comes! Behavior, what wert thou

  Look where Boyet comes! What were your manners likeTill this madman show'd thee? and what art thou now?before you started acting like a madman? And how do you behave now?

  Re-enter the PRINCESS, ushered by BOYET, ROSALINE, MARIA, and KATHARINEFERDINAND All hail, sweet madam, and fair time of day!All hail, sweet madam, and what a great day it is!

  PRINCESS 'Fair' in 'all hail' is foul, as I conceive.

  I believe you mean ‘hail’ as in a hail storm. FERDINAND Construe my speeches better, if you may.

  Please understand I mean to speak well for you.PRINCESS Then wish me better; I will give you leave.

  Then greet me better; or I will leave. FERDINAND We came to visit you, and purpose now

  We came to see you, with the purpose ofTo lead you to our court; vouchsafe it then.bringing you to our court; Please grant me that.

  PRINCESS This field shall hold me; and so hold your vow:

  We can speak here just as well; and so keep your promise:Nor God, nor I, delights in perjured men.

  Neither God, nor myself, take pleasure in liars. FERDINAND Rebuke me not for that which you provoke:

  Don’t get on to me for that which you instigated:The virtue of your eye must break my oath.

  The power of your eye makes me break my promise.PRINCESS You nickname virtue; vice you should have spoke;

  You use the word virtue; but you should have said vice;For virtue's office never breaks men's troth.For virtue never causes a man to break his promise.

  Now by my maiden honour, yet as pureNow as I am a lady, and a pure virgin

  As the unsullied lily, I protest,like a lily, I refuse,

  A world of torments though I should endure,Even if I had were tortured,

  I would not yield to be your house's guest;I wouldn’t go to your house;

  So much I hate a breaking cause to beBecause I hate to be the reason for breaking

  Of heavenly oaths, vow'd with integrity.heavenly promises, that were sworn with integrity.

  FERDINAND O, you have lived in desolation here,O, you don’t get out much,

  Unseen, unvisited, much to our shame.You don’t see anyone, no one visits you, which is a shame.

  PRINCESS Not so, my lord; it is not so, I swear;

  That’s not true, my lord; It’s not the case, I swear;We have had pastimes here and pleasant game:We have entertained here and played games:

  A mess of Russians left us but of late.Four Russians have only just left.

  FERDINAND How, madam! Russians!

  What! Russians! PRINCESS Ay, in truth, my lord;

  Yes, it’s true, my lord; Trim gallants, full of courtship and of state.Fit, gallant men of stature who wanted to court me.

  ROSALINE Madam, speak true. It is not so, my lord:

  Madam, tell the truth. That’s not the case, my lord: My lady, to the manner of the days,My lady, like the days pass,

  In courtesy gives undeserving praise.gives praise where it is undeserved just to be nice.

  We four indeed confronted were with fourThe four of us did meet four men

  In Russian habit: here they stay'd an hour,In Russian clothes: they stayed here an hour,

  And talk'd apace; and in that hour, my lord,And talked a bit; and in an hour, my lord,

  They did not bless us with one happy word.They did not say one nice thing to us.

  I dare not call them fools; but this I think,I wouldn’t say they were fools; but I do think,

  When they are thirsty, fools would fain have drink.When fools are thirsty they would like to have a drink.

  BIRON This jest is dry to me. Fair gentle sweet,

  That’s a harsh joke. Beautiful gentle sweet, Your wit makes wise things foolish: when we greet,Your wit makes smart things sound dumb: when we look at each other,

  With eyes best seeing, heaven's fiery eye,Though our eyes see well, the sun’s light,

  By light we lose light: your capacitydulls our vision: your intellectual ability and beauty

  Is of that nature that to your huge storeis of the same nature as the sunlight

  Wise things seem foolish and rich things but poor.Causing wise things to become foolish, and rich to appear poor.

  ROSALINE This proves you wise and rich, for in m
y eye,--Well, you must be both wise and rich to say such things, because to me--

  BIRON I am a fool, and full of poverty.

  I’m stupid and poor. ROSALINE But that you take what doth to you belong,

  If you would take what belongs to you, It were a fault to snatch words from my tongue.

  It’s a shame you took the words right out of my mouth. BIRON O, I am yours, and all that I possess!

  O, I am yours completely, please tell me! ROSALINE All the fool mine?

  All your stupidity is mine? BIRON I cannot give you less.

  That’s all I have.

  ROSALINE Which of the vizards was it that you wore?Which mask did you wear?

  BIRON Where? when? what vizard? why demand you this?

  Where? When? What mask? What are you talking about?ROSALINE There, then, that vizard; that superfluous case

  There, then, that mask; that pointless maskThat hid the worse and show'd the better face.

  That hid your ugly face and showed a better one. FERDINAND We are descried; they'll mock us now downright.

  We’ve been spotted; they’ll make fun of us now for sure. DUMAIN Let us confess and turn it to a jest.

  Let’s just own up to it and make a joke of it. PRINCESS Amazed, my lord? why looks your highness sad?Are you surprised, my lord? Why do you look so sad?

  ROSALINE Help, hold his brows! he'll swoon! Why look you pale?Help, hold his hair! He’ll faint! Why do you look so pale?

  Sea-sick, I think, coming from Muscovy.I bet you’re sea-sick, if you came from Muscovy.

  BIRON Thus pour the stars down plagues for perjury.

  This is how the universe punishes us for breaking our oathsCan any face of brass hold longer out?

  Can any bolder personality hold out any longer? Here stand I

  Here I standlady, dart thy skill at me;lady, aim your wit at me;

  Bruise me with scorn, confound me with a flout;Hurt me with your scorn, destroy me with your lack of caring;

  Thrust thy sharp wit quite through my ignorance;Stab my ignorance with your sharp wit;

  Cut me to pieces with thy keen conceit;Cut me to pieces with the pride you take in yourself;

  And I will wish thee never more to dance,And I will never again ask you to dance,

  Nor never more in Russian habit wait.Or ever again be in attendance wearing Russian clothes.

  O, never will I trust to speeches penn'd,O, never will I trust my own written words,