The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Nor to the motion of a schoolboy's tongue,Nor my immature way of speaking,

  Nor never come in vizard to my friend,Nor ever come in a mask to see my sweetheart,

  Nor woo in rhyme, like a blind harper's song!Nor woo you with poems, like a blind man’s harp song!

  Taffeta phrases, silken terms precise,Phrases like taffeta, silky terms chosen carefully,

  Three-piled hyperboles, spruce affectation,Luxurious hyperboles, tidy behavior and feeling,

  Figures pedantical; these summer-fliesAcademic figures of speech; these summer-flies

  Have blown me full of maggot ostentation:have laid maggot eggs of vulgarity in me:

  I do forswear them; and I here protest,I give them up; and here I beg,

  By this white glove;--how white the hand, God knows!--By this white glove;--how white the hand underneath, God knows!--

  Henceforth my wooing mind shall be express'dFrom now on, I will only speak my mind

  In russet yeas and honest kersey noes:In simple ‘yeses’ and honest plain ‘no’s

  And, to begin, wench,--so God help me, la!--And, as a start, woman,--so Gold help me, law!--

  My love to thee is sound, sans crack or flaw.My love to you is unbreakable, without a crack or a flaw.

  ROSALINE Sans sans, I pray you.

  Don’t say “without,” please. BIRON Yet I have a trickStill I have a trace

  Of the old rage: bear with me, I am sick;of the old fever: bear with me, for I am sick;

  I'll leave it by degrees. Soft, let us see:but slowly getting better. Softly then, let’s see:

  Write, 'Lord have mercy on us' on those three;Write, ‘Lord have mercy on us’ on my companions;

  They are infected; in their hearts it lies;They are sick too; they have sickness in their hearts;

  They have the plague, and caught it of your eyes;They have a plague, which they caught from your eyes;

  These lords are visited; you are not free,These men are infected; you are not free from blame,

  For the Lord's tokens on you do I see.Their love-wounds from you are visible.

  PRINCESS No, they are free that gave these tokens to us.

  No, the ones who gave us these tokens were free of infection. BIRON Our states are forfeit: seek not to undo us.

  We’ve given up ourselves to you: please don’t destroy that by saying we’re ‘free.’ ROSALINE It is not so; for how can this be true,

  It’s not true; How can it be, That you stand forfeit, being those that sue?

  That you are ready to give yourself up, when you are all prosecutors? BIRON Peace! for I will not have to do with you.Peace, please! For I don’t want to have anything to do with you.

  ROSALINE Nor shall not, if I do as I intend.

  Neither do I, that’s what I intended. BIRON Speak for yourselves; my wit is at an end.You guys speak now; I’ve said all I can say.

  FERDINAND Teach us, sweet madam, for our rude transgression

  Sweet madam, give us, for our crimes Some fair excuse.some kind of pardon.

  PRINCESS The fairest is confession.

  Just confess. Were not you here but even now disguised?

  Was it you that was here before in a disguise? FERDINAND Madam, I was.

  Yes, madam, I was. PRINCESS And were you well advised?

  And were you in your thinking clearly? FERDINAND I was, fair madam.

  I was, fair madam. PRINCESS When you then were here,

  When you were here before, What did you whisper in your lady's ear?

  What did you whisper in my ear? FERDINAND That more than all the world I did respect her.That I loved her more than the whole world.

  PRINCESS When she shall challenge this, you will reject her.

  If I were to disbelieve you, you would reject me. FERDINAND Upon mine honour, no.

  Upon my honor I would not. PRINCESS Peace, peace! forbear:

  Calm, calm! Please refrain: Your oath once broke, you force not to forswear.Once you break a promise, you won’t hesitate to do it again.

  FERDINAND Despise me, when I break this oath of mine.

  If I break a promise, you can hate me. PRINCESS I will: and therefore keep it. Rosaline,

  I will hate you: so keep your promise. Rosaline, What did the Russian whisper in your ear?

  What did the ‘Russian’ whisper in your ear? ROSALINE Madam, he swore that he did hold me dear

  Madam, he promised that he loved meAs precious eyesight, and did value methat I was as precious as sight, and that he valued me

  Above this world; adding thereto moreoverabove all else in the world; adding also

  That he would wed me, or else die my lover.that he would marry me, or die as my lover.

  PRINCESS God give thee joy of him! the noble lord

  Well, enjoy him! The noble lordMost honourably doth unhold his word.

  Will most honorably keep his promise. FERDINAND What mean you, madam? by my life, my troth,

  What do you mean by that, madam? By my life, my truth, I never swore this lady such an oath.

  I never said that to her. ROSALINE By heaven, you did; and to confirm it plain,

  By heaven, yes you did; and I’ll prove it, You gave me this: but take it, sir, again.

  You have me this: but take it back now, sir. FERDINAND My faith and this the princess I did give:

  I gave this and my faith to the princess: I knew her by this jewel on her sleeve.

  I knew it was her by this jewel on her sleeve. PRINCESS Pardon me, sir, this jewel did she wear;

  Pardon me, sir, she did wear that jewel; And Lord Biron, I thank him, is my dear.And Lord Biron, thankfully, is my love.

  What, will you have me, or your pearl again?What will it be? Would you rather have me or your pearl back?

  BIRON Neither of either; I remit both twain.

  I don’t want either; I refuse both together. I see the trick on't: here was a consent,

  I see the trick you’re playing: here you’ve plotted, Knowing aforehand of our merriment,

  Knowing ahead of time of our happiness, To dash it like a Christmas comedy:

  Only to destroy it like some Christmas play:Some carry-tale, some please-man, some slight zany,You are some story-teller, a bootlicker, a stooge,

  Some mumble-news, some trencher-knight, some Dick,a piece of bad news, a parasite, a Schmo,

  That smiles his cheek in years and knows the trickthat smiles so hard he wrinkles his cheeks and knows the plot

  To make my lady laugh when she's disposed,So you can laugh about it when you’re alone,

  Told our intents before; which once disclosed,You guessed what we wanted ahead of time, and once you figured it out,

  The ladies did change favours: and then we,You swapped your garments; and then we,

  Following the signs, woo'd but the sign of she.fell for your trap, since we were so moonstruck by the sight of our beloved.

  Now, to our perjury to add more terror,Now, to our lies you’ve added more fear,

  We are again forsworn, in will and error.We are again promised, though each to the wrong woman.

  Much upon this it is: and might not you

  It must have happned this way: and couldn’t you

  To BOYETForestall our sport, to make us thus untrue?

  have told us what was going on, so we knew the lies? Do not you know my lady's foot by the squier,

  Don’t you know how to suit my lady’s fancy, And laugh upon the apple of her eye?

  And know how to keep her eye amused? And stand between her back, sir, and the fire,And stand between her and the fire,

  Holding a trencher, jesting merrily?Holding a bowl, and joking around?

  You put our page out: go, you are allow'd;You betrayed us: Go, you’re a fool;

  Die when you will, a smock shall be your shroud.Go and die, you can wear a dress since you’re always in the company of women.

  You leer upon me, do you? there's an eyeYou glare at me, do you? Your eye

  Wounds like a leaden sword.hu
rts like a fake sword.

  BOYET Full merrily

  Full and cheerfullyHath this brave manage, this career, been run.Has this maneuver, this gallop, run its course.

  BIRON Lo, he is tilting straight! Peace! I have done.

  Oh, listen to his comeback! Enough! I’m done with this. Enter COSTARDWelcome, pure wit! thou partest a fair fray.

  Welcome, witty one! You’ve interrupted a good fight. COSTARD O Lord, sir, they would know

  O Lord, they’ll knowWhether the three Worthies shall come in or no.Whether the three worthy ones shall come in or not.

  BIRON What, are there but three?

  What, are there only three? There’s supposed to be nine. COSTARD No, sir; but it is vara fine,

  No, sir; but it is very fine, For every one pursents three.

  because every one of them represents three. BIRON And three times thrice is nine.

  And three times three is nine. COSTARD Not so, sir; under correction, sir; I hope it is not so.

  No, sir; If I may correct you, sir; I hope not. You cannot beg us, sir, I can assure you, sir we know

  You cannot ask us, sir, I assure you, sir, that we knowwhat we know:what we know:

  I hope, sir, three times thrice, sir,--I hope, sir, that three times three, sir, is---

  BIRON Is not nine.

  Is not nine. COSTARD Under correction, sir, we know whereuntil it doth amount.

  If I may, sir, we have know way of knowing what it will amount to. BIRON By Jove, I always took three threes for nine.

  By God, I’ve always thought three times three was nine. COSTARD O Lord, sir, it were pity you should get your living

  O lord, sir, it’s a shame that you make a livingby reckoning, sir.from your math skills, sir.

  BIRON How much is it?

  How much is three times three then? COSTARD O Lord, sir, the parties themselves, the actors,

  O Lord, sir, the people themselves, the actors, sir, will show whereuntil it doth amount: for mine

  Sir, will show what it amounts to: for myown part, I am, as they say, but to parfect one manpart, I am, as they say, required to perform a role

  in one poor man, Pompion the Great, sir.of one poor man, Pompion the Great, sir.

  BIRON Art thou one of the Worthies?

  Are you one of the Worthy ones? COSTARD It pleased them to think me worthy of Pompion the

  It pleased them to think that I was worthy of the role of Pompion theGreat: for mine own part, I know not the degree of

  Great: for my own part, I don’t know to what degree ofthe Worthy, but I am to stand for him.

  Worthiness, but I am to play the role. BIRON Go, bid them prepare.

  Go, tell them to get ready. COSTARD We will turn it finely off, sir; we will take

  We will pull it off finely, sir; we will be some care.careful to do so.

  ExitFERDINAND Biron, they will shame us: let them not approach.

  Byron they will be a disgrace to us: don’t let them come. BIRON We are shame-proof, my lord: and tis some policy

  We can’t be shamed any more than we already are, my lord: and it’s good strategyTo have one show worse than the king's and his company.To have someone else around more disgraceful than the king and his company.

  FERDINAND I say they shall not come.

  I say they cannot come. PRINCESS Nay, my good lord, let me o'errule you now:

  No, my good lord, let me overrule your command: That sport best pleases that doth least know how:

  The most fun plays are acted by those who don’t know how to act:Where zeal strives to content, and the contents

  With an enthusiasm to perform, and the substance of the playDies in the zeal of that which it presents:

  Is overshadowed by the enthusiasm to perform it. Their form confounded makes most form in mirth,Watching them make a mess of the performance has it’s own pleasure,

  When great things labouring perish in their birth.when great works of art are destroyed in their performance.

  BIRON A right description of our sport, my lord.

  That’s an accurate description of what we do, my lord. Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADODON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Anointed, I implore so much expense of thy royal

  Dear anointed one, I ask if you can spare a moment sweet breath as will utter a brace of words.

  To speak with me. Converses apart with FERDINAND, and delivers him a paperPRINCESS Doth this man serve God?

  Is this a man of God? BIRON Why ask you?

  Why do you ask? PRINCESS He speaks not like a man of God's making.

  He doesn’t speak like a man that God made.

  DONADRIANO DE ARMADO That is all one, my fair, sweet, honey monarch; for,That is all the same, my fair, sweet, beautiful highness; for,

  I protest, the schoolmaster is exceedingI must disagree, the teacher is far too

  fantastical; too, too vain, too too vain: but wefantastical; too, too vain, too too vain: but we

  will put it, as they say, to fortuna de la guerra.will say, as the saying goes, to the fortune of war.

  I wish you the peace of mind, most royal couplement!I wish you peace of mind, most royal couple!

  ExitFERDINAND Here is like to be a good presence of Worthies. He

  Here it’s like being in the presence of the Worthy. Hepresents Hector of Troy; the swain, Pompey theacts like he’s Hector of Troy; the country boy like Pompey the

  Great; the parish curate, Alexander; Armado's page,Great; the parish priest like Alexander; Armado’s assistant,

  Hercules; the pedant, Judas Maccabaeus: And ifHercules; the teacher, Judas Maccabaeus: And if

  these four Worthies in their first show thrive,These four Worthy ones in their first show perform well,

  These four will change habits, and present the other five.They will change their clothes, and act out the other five roles too.

  BIRON There is five in the first show.

  There are five characters in the first play. FERDINAND You are deceived; 'tis not so.

  You must be deceived; that’s not the case. BIRON The pedant, the braggart, the hedge-priest, the fool

  The teacher, the braggart, the illiterate priest, the fooland the boy:--

  And the boy:--Abate throw at novum, and the whole world againAll chance aside, and the whole world

  Cannot pick out five such, take each one in his vein.couldn’t pick out five, they are each such fantastical characters.

  FERDINAND The ship is under sail, and here she comes amain.

  It’s too late now, here they come. Enter COSTARD, for PompeyCOSTARD I Pompey am,--

  I am Pompey, --BOYET You lie, you are not he.You lie, you’re not Pompey.

  COSTARD I Pompey am,--

  I am Pompey,--BOYET With libbard's head on knee.With your coat of arms on your knee rather than your shield.

  BIRON Well said, old mocker: I must needs be friends

  Good one, old heckler: I should be friendswith thee.with you.

  COSTARD I Pompey am, Pompey surnamed the Big—

  I am Pompey, Pompey nicknamed the Big--DUMAIN The Great.

  The Great. COSTARD It is, 'Great,' sir:--

  It is, “Great,” sir:--Pompey surnamed the Great;

  Pompey nicknamed the Great; That oft in field, with targe and shield, did make

  That often in the battlefield, with sword and shield, did makemy foe to sweat:

  My enemies sweat: And travelling along this coast, I here am come by chance,

  And travelling along the coast, I happen to come hereAnd lay my arms before the legs of this sweet lass of France,And lay my shield in front of legs of a sweet girl from France,

  If your ladyship would say, 'Thanks, Pompey,' I had done.If she would only say, ‘Thanks, Pompey,’ I would be done.

  PRINCESS Great thanks, great Pompey.

  Great thanks, great Pompey. COSTARD 'Tis not so much worth; but I hope I was perfect: I

  It isn’t worth much; but I hope I was perfect: I made a little fault in 'Great.'

 
Forgot part of my line.BIRON My hat to a halfpenny, Pompey proves the best Worthy.

  I tip my hat to you, Pompey seems to be the best Character. Enter SIR NATHANIEL, for AlexanderSIR NATHANIEL When in the world I lived, I was the world's

  When I lived in the world, I was the world’scommander;commander;

  By east, west, north, and south, I spread myEast, west, north, and south, I

  conquering might:conquered.

  My scutcheon plain declares that I am Alisander,--My shield clearly states that I am Alexander,--

  BOYET Your nose says, no, you are not for it stands too right.

  Your nose says that you’re not, for Alexander’s was crooked and yours is straight. BIRON Your nose smells 'no' in this, most tender-smelling knight.

  You don’t think it’s him then, you sensitive knight. PRINCESS The conqueror is dismay'd. Proceed, good Alexander.

  The conqueror has been interrupted. Keep going, Alexander. SIR NATHANIEL When in the world I lived, I was the world's

  When I lived in the world, I was the world’s commander,--commander,--

  BOYET Most true, 'tis right; you were so, Alisander.That is most true, ‘tis right; you were, Alexander,

  BIRON Pompey the Great,--

  Pompey the Great,--COSTARD Your servant, and Costard.At your service, and Costard too.

  BIRON Take away the conqueror, take away Alisander.

  Get rid of this conqueror, take away Alexander. COSTARD [To SIR NATHANIEL] O, sir, you have overthrown

  O, sir you have been overthrownAlisander the conqueror! You will be scraped out of

  Alexander the conqueror! You will be removed fromthe painted cloth for this: your lion, that holdsthe painting of the characters for this: your lion, holding

  his poll-axe sitting on a close-stool, will be given

  a battle axe sitting on a toilet, will be given to Ajax: he will be the ninth Worthy. A conqueror,to Ajax: and he will become the ninth Worthy. A conqueror,

  and afeard to speak! run away for shame, Alisander.and you’re afraid to speak! Run away in shame, Alexander.

  SIR NATHANIEL retiresThere, an't shall please you; a foolish mild man; an

  There if it will please you; a foolish and mild man; anhonest man, look you, and soon dashed. He is a

  Honest man, look if you will, and soon he is destroyed. He is a marvellous good neighbour, faith, and a very good