The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  great neighbor, faithful, and a very goodbowler: but, for Alisander,--alas, you see how

  bowler: but, for Alexander,-- well, you see how 'tis,--a little o'erparted. But there are Worthiesit is,--the part is a little too difficult for him. But there are other Worthies

  a-coming will speak their mind in some other sort.on their way that will speak better.

  Enter HOLOFERNES, for Judas; and MOTH, for HerculesHOLOFERNES Great Hercules is presented by this imp,

  The role of Great Hercules is being acted by this demon child, Whose club kill'd Cerberus, that three-headed canis;Whose club killed Cerberus, the three-headed dog;

  And when he was a babe, a child, a shrimp,And when he was a baby, a child, a shrimp,

  Thus did he strangle serpents in his manus.He strangled snakes with his hands

  Quoniam he seemeth in minority,This is him as a baby,

  Ergo I come with this apology.That’s why I come with this apology.

  Keep some state in thy exit, and vanish.Have some dignity in your exit, and be gone.

  MOTH retiresJudas I am,--I am Judas,--

  DUMAIN A Judas!

  A traitor!HOLOFERNES Not Iscariot, sir.Not Judas Iscariot, the traitor, sir.

  Judas I am, ycliped Maccabaeus.I am Judas, called Maccabaeus.

  DUMAIN Judas Maccabaeus clipt is plain Judas.

  Judas Maccabaeus is the same as plain Judas. BIRON A kissing traitor. How art thou proved Judas?

  Judas was a kissing traitor. How do you prove to be Judas? HOLOFERNES Judas I am,--I am Judas,--

  DUMAIN The more shame for you, Judas.Too bad for you, Judas.

  HOLOFERNES What mean you, sir?

  What do you mean, sir?BOYET To make Judas hang himself.He means to make Judas hang himself.

  HOLOFERNES Begin, sir; you are my elder.

  You are my elder, so you should speak first. BIRON Well followed: Judas was hanged on an elder.

  Good one: Judas was hanged on an elder tree. HOLOFERNES I will not be put out of countenance.

  I will not break character. BIRON Because thou hast no face.

  Because you don’t have a face. HOLOFERNES What is this?What do you call this? (points to his face)

  BOYET A cittern-head.A guitar-head.

  DUMAIN The head of a bodkin.The head of a hairpin.

  BIRON A Death's face in a ring.

  A death’s head worn on a ring. LONGAVILLE The face of an old Roman coin, scarce seen.

  The face on some old Roman coin that’s been worn smooth. BOYET The pommel of Caesar's falchion.The butt of Caesar’s sword.

  DUMAIN The carved-bone face on a flask.The carved-bone face on a powder horn flask.

  BIRON Saint George's half-cheek in a brooch.

  Saint George’s profile in a brooch. DUMAIN Ay, and in a brooch of lead.

  Yeah, and a cheap brooch at that. BIRON Ay, and worn in the cap of a tooth-drawer.Yeah, and a brooch worn in the cap of a lowly dentist.

  And now forward; for we have put thee in countenance.Now keep going; we have to establish your character.

  HOLOFERNES You have put me out of countenance.

  You have made me break character. BIRON False; we have given thee faces.

  False; we have given you many characters. HOLOFERNES But you have out-faced them all.

  And you have taken the character out of all of them. BIRON An thou wert a lion, we would do so.

  And if you were a lion, we would do the same. BOYET Therefore, as he is an ass, let him go.

  Therefore, since he is an ass, let him go on his way. And so adieu, sweet Jude! nay, why dost thou stay?

  And so goodbye, sweet Jude! No, why do you still stand there? DUMAIN For the latter end of his name.

  He’s waiting to hear his last name. BIRON For the ass to the Jude; give it him:--Jud-as, away!For the ass of Jude; give it to him:--Jud-ass, away!

  HOLOFERNES This is not generous, not gentle, not humble.

  That is not nice, not gentle, not humble. BOYET A light for Monsieur Judas! it grows dark, he may stumble.

  Get Master Judas a light! It’s getting dark, and he may stumble on his way out. HOLOFERNES retiresPRINCESS Alas, poor Maccabaeus, how hath he been baited!

  Well, poor Maccabaeus, how he was taunted!Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, for HectorBIRON Hide thy head, Achilles: here comes Hector in arms.

  Watch out, Achilles: here comes Hector with weapons. DUMAIN Though my mocks come home by me, I will now be merry.Though I am mocked, I will now be cheerful.

  FERDINAND Hector was but a Troyan in respect of this.Hector was just a Trojan in that regard.

  BOYET But is this Hector?

  But is that Hector? FERDINAND I think Hector was not so clean-timbered.

  I didn’t think Hector was so well built. LONGAVILLE His leg is too big for Hector's.

  His leg is too big to be Hector’s leg. DUMAIN More calf, certain.

  A bigger calf, for sure. BOYET No; he is best endued in the small.No; he is best endowed in the ankle.

  BIRON This cannot be Hector.

  This cannot be Hector. DUMAIN He's a god or a painter; for he makes faces.

  He’s either a god or a painter; because look at the faces he’s making.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The armipotent Mars, of lances the almighty,

  The armed power of Ares, of the almighty lancesGave Hector a gift,--

  Gave hector a gift,--DUMAIN A gilt nutmeg.

  An egg-yolk glazed nutmeg. BIRON A lemon.

  A lemon. LONGAVILLE Stuck with cloves.A lemon stuck with cloves.

  DUMAIN No, cloven.

  No, sliced.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Peace!—

  Quiet!--The armipotent Mars, of lances the almightyThe armed power of Ares, of the almighty lances

  Gave Hector a gift, the heir of Ilion;

  Gave Hector a gift, the heir of Troy;A man so breathed, that certain he would fight; yeaA man in such good condition, that he would certainly fight; yes

  From morn till night, out of his pavilion.From morning until night, out of his camp.

  I am that flower,--I am that flower,--

  DUMAIN That mint.

  That mint. LONGAVILLE That columbine.

  That columbine flower.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Sweet Lord Longaville, rein thy tongue.

  Sweet Lord Longaville, please control your tongue. LONGAVILLE I must rather give it the rein, for it runs against Hector.

  I’ll have to let it go, since it competes against you. DUMAIN Ay, and Hector's a greyhound.

  Yeah, and Hector’s fast.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The sweet war-man is dead and rotten; sweet chucks,

  The sweet warrior is dead and rotten; sweet chucks, beat not the bones of the buried: when he breathed,

  Don’t beat the bones of the buried: when he was breathing, he was a man. But I will forward with my device.he was a man. But I will continue with my monologue.

  To the PRINCESSSweet royalty, bestow on me the sense of hearing.

  Sweet royalty, please grant me the ability to be heard. PRINCESS Speak, brave Hector: we are much delighted.

  Speak then, brave Hector: we are enjoying this.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO I do adore thy sweet grace's slipper.

  I adore your sweet shoe. BOYET [Aside to DUMAIN] Loves her by the foot,--

  He loves her for her foot,--DUMAIN [Aside to BOYET] He may not by the yard.

  But not for the yard.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO This Hector far surmounted Hannibal,--

  In this Hector was far superior to Hannibal,--COSTARD The party is gone, fellow Hector, she is gone; she

  Jaquenetta is gone, Hector, she is gone; sheis two months on her way.

  has been gone for two months.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO What meanest thou?

  What do you mean? COSTARD Faith, unless you play the honest Troyan, the poorHave faith, unless you play the honest Trojan, the poor

  wench is cast away: she's quick; the child brags inwo
man has been cast out: she’s pregnant; the unborn child brags in

  her belly already: tis yours.her womb already: It’s your child.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Dost thou infamonize me among potentates? thou shalt

  Do you slander me among statesmen? You will die. die.COSTARD Then shall Hector be whipped for Jaquenetta that is

  Then Hector will be whipped in Jaquenetta’s place since she is made quick by him and hanged for Pompey that is dead bypregnant by him and hanged for killing Pompey.

  him.DUMAIN Most rare Pompey!

  What a unique Pompey!BOYET Renowned Pompey!

  The best Pompey!BIRON Greater than great, great, great, great Pompey!

  Greater than great, great, great, great Pompey!Pompey the Huge!Pompey the Huge!

  DUMAIN Hector trembles.

  Look at Hector trembling. BIRON Pompey is moved. More Ates, more Ates! stir them

  Pompey is moved emotionally. More mischief, more mischief! Stir them!on! stir them on!

  Stir them!DUMAIN Hector will challenge him.

  Hector’s going to challenge him. BIRON Ay, if a' have no man's blood in's belly than will

  Yeah, if he’s enough of a man to sup a flea.

  feed a flea.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO By the north pole, I do challenge thee.By the north pole, I challenge you to a duel.

  COSTARD I will not fight with a pole, like a northern man:

  I will not fight with a pole, like a ruffian:I'll slash; I'll do it by the sword. I bepray you,

  I’ll slash at you; I’ll do it with a sword. I promise you, let me borrow my arms again.

  Let me find my weapons again. DUMAIN Room for the incensed Worthies!Make room for the angry characters!

  COSTARD I'll do it in my shirt.

  I’ll strip down to my shirt. DUMAIN Most resolute Pompey!

  Pompey is so decisive!MOTH Master, let me take you a buttonhole lower. Do you

  Master, let me undress you a bit more. Don’t younot see Pompey is uncasing for the combat? What meansee Pompey is undressing for battle? What do you mean?

  you? You will lose your reputation.He will humiliate you.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Gentlemen and soldiers, pardon me; I will not combat

  Gentlemen and soldiers, forgive me; I will not battlein my shirt.

  In my shirt. DUMAIN You may not deny it: Pompey hath made the challenge.

  You can’t refuse: Pompey accepted your challenge.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Sweet bloods, I both may and will.

  Sweet brothers, I can and I will. BIRON What reason have you for't?

  What’s your reason for denying the challenge?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt; I go

  The truth is, I’m not wearing any underwear; I letwoolward for penance.

  the wool punish my flesh as a penance. BOYET True, and it was enjoined him in Rome for want of

  True, and when Hector was challenged in Rome he had a lack oflinen: since when, I'll be sworn, he wore none butunderwear: when, I swear, he wore nothing but

  a dishclout of Jaquenetta's, and that a' wears nexta dishcloth of Jaquenetta’s and that he wore next to

  his heart for a favour.his heart as a charm.

  Enter MERCADE

  MERCADE God save you, madam!God save you, madam!

  PRINCESS Welcome, Mercade;

  Welcome in, Mercade; But that thou interrupt'st our merriment.

  But you’re interrupting our enjoyment. MERCADE I am sorry, madam; for the news I bring

  I am sorry, madam; but the news I haveIs heavy in my tongue. The king your father--is hard to say. The king your father--

  PRINCESS Dead, for my life!

  Is he dead? Oh my life!MERCADE Even so; my tale is told.I’m afraid so; now you know.

  BIRON Worthies, away! the scene begins to cloud.

  Actors, get out of here! This is not a good time.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO For mine own part, I breathe free breath. I have

  For myself, I am a free man. I nowseen the day of wrong through the little hole of

  Perceive my true situationdiscretion, and I will right myself like a soldier.and will carry on like a trooper.

  Exeunt WorthiesFERDINAND How fares your majesty?

  How are you doing princess? PRINCESS Boyet, prepare; I will away tonight.

  Prepare yourself, Boyet; I need to leave tonight. FERDINAND Madam, not so; I do beseech you, stay.

  Madam, you do not; I beg of you, please stay. PRINCESS Prepare, I say. I thank you, gracious lords,

  Get ready, I say. Thank you, gracious lords, For all your fair endeavors; and entreat,

  For all the fun; and allow meOut of a new-sad soul, that you vouchsafe

  With my broken heart, that you promiseIn your rich wisdom to excuse or hide

  In your wisdom to let me be excused or overlookThe liberal opposition of our spirits,

  Our disagreeing, If over-boldly we have borne ourselves

  If we have portrayed ourselves too boldlyIn the converse of breath: your gentleness

  In our conversation: you Was guilty of it. Farewell worthy lord!were guilty too. Farewell worthy lord!

  A heavy heart bears not a nimble tongue:A heavy heart can’t stand a quick talker:

  Excuse me so, coming too short of thanksExcuse me, for being so ungrateful

  For my great suit so easily obtain'd.but my mission was already accomplished.

  FERDINAND The extreme parts of time extremely forms

  When time is short, it All causes to the purpose of his speed,

  requires quick decisions, And often at his very loose decidesAnd often at time’s very release a decision is reached

  That which long process could not arbitrate:That if I had thought about it a long time I would not be able to decide:

  And though the mourning brow of progenyAnd though the princess is in mourning

  Forbid the smiling courtesy of love

  And will not see my love’s argumentThe holy suit which fain it would convince,

  And the love which I would like to give her, Yet, since love's argument was first on foot,

  Yet, since the argument was running first, Let not the cloud of sorrow justle it

  Don’t allow sorrow to obstruct itFrom what it purposed; since, to wail friends lostFrom what it wanted; since, to cry about lost friends

  Is not by much so wholesome-profitableis not good for anything

  As to rejoice at friends but newly found.as it is to rejoice at making new friends.

  PRINCESS I understand you not: my griefs are double.I don’t understand you: that doubles my grief.

  BIRON Honest plain words best pierce the ear of grief;

  If you want to reach her through her grief use simple wordsAnd by these badges understand the king.when you do so she will understand you.

  For your fair sakes have we neglected time,For your sake, we have forgotten about time,

  Play'd foul play with our oaths: your beauty, ladies,and nearly broke our promises: your beauty, ladies

  Hath much deform'd us, fashioning our humoursHas greatly deformed us, making our moods

  Even to the opposed end of our intents:Opposite from what we intended:

  And what in us hath seem'd ridiculous,--And what to us seemed ridiculous,--

  As love is full of unbefitting strains,as love gives you strange impulses,

  All wanton as a child, skipping and vain,As carefree as a child, skipping and vain,

  Form'd by the eye and therefore, like the eye,Formed by the eye and therefore, like the eye

  Full of strange shapes, of habits and of forms,

  It is full of strange shapes, habits and forms, Varying in subjects as the eye doth roll

  From one thing to the other as the eye rollsTo every varied object in his glance:

  To every object the eye can see: Which parti-coated presence of loose love

  With the foolish appearance that lovePut on by us, if, in your heavenl
y eyes,gives us, if, in your heavenly eyes,

  Have misbecomed our oaths and gravities,We have become unsuitable for our promises and positions,

  Those heavenly eyes, that look into these faults,Your heavenly eyes, that see these mistakes

  Suggested us to make. Therefore, ladies,tempted us to make. Therefore, ladies,

  Our love being yours, the error that love makesSince our love is yours, the mistakes love makes

  Is likewise yours: we to ourselves prove false,is also yours: we prove ourselves false,

  By being once false for ever to be trueIf we are false once we will forever be true

  To those that make us both,--fair ladies, you:to those that make us both false and true,-- fair ladies, that means you:

  And even that falsehood, in itself a sin,And even that falsehood, which is in itself a sin,

  Thus purifies itself and turns to grace.will purify itself and turn in to grace.

  PRINCESS We have received your letters full of love;

  We have received your love letters; Your favours, the ambassadors of love;Your tokens, the symbols of love;

  And, in our maiden council, rated themAnd, when we spoke about it privately, decided it

  At courtship, pleasant jest and courtesy,Was only dating, pleasant jokes and manners

  As bombast and as lining to the time:As a way to fill time,

  But more devout than this in our respectsBut serious in this respect

  Have we not been; and therefore met your loveswe have not been; and for this reason saw your loves

  In their own fashion, like a merriment.In that way, as a joke or a pleasant way to pass time.

  DUMAIN Our letters, madam, show'd much more than jest.

  Our letters, madam, were more than just joking around. LONGAVILLE So did our looks.

  And our looks were serious as well. ROSALINE We did not quote them so.

  That’s not how we perceived it. FERDINAND Now, at the latest minute of the hour,Now, before we are out of time,

  Grant us your loves.Give us your loves.

  PRINCESS A time, methinks, too shortI think there’s not enough time

  To make a world-without-end bargain in.To make that kind of everlasting bargain.

  No, no, my lord, your grace is perjured much,No, no, my lord, your grace has been betrayed,

  Full of dear guiltiness; and therefore this:you are full of guilt; and therefore I say this:

  If for my love, as there is no such cause,If you would, for my love, as there is nothing like it,