The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 297
there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
purse when he looks so merrily.
Enter Host
How now, mine host!
Here comes the landlord of the Garter, chuntering away:
he's either got booze in his belly or money in his
purse, he looks so happy.
What's up, mine host!
Host
How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter SHALLOW
Hello there, my fine fellow! You are a gentleman.
A gallant lad, I say!
SHALLOW
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
with us? we have sport in hand.
I'm with you, mine host, I'm with you. Good day
twenty times over, good Master Page! Master Page, will you
come with us? We've got some fun going.
Host
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Tell him about it, gallant fellow; tell him about it, my dear chap.
SHALLOW
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Sir, there is going to be a duel between Sir Hugh
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
Drawing him aside
My dear landlord of the Garter, may I have a word with you?
Host
What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
What is it you want, old chap?
SHALLOW
[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My
merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
They converse apart
Will you come with us to see it? My
jolly host has examined their weapons;
I think he has also set the place for the fight;
for, believe me, I hear the parson is very much in earnest.
Listen, I'll tell you what fun we'll have.
Host
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavaleire?
You haven't any quarrel with my knight,
my brave guest?
FORD
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
my name is Brook; only for a jest.
None, I assure you: but I'll give you half a gallon of
sweet sherry to let me in to see him and tell him
my name is Brook; just for a joke.
Host
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
Shake on it, lad; I'll let you come and go freely;
–was that a good phrase?–and you shall be called Brook. He is
a jolly knight. Will you come along, gentleman?
SHALLOW
Have with you, mine host.
I'm with you, mine host.
PAGE
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
his rapier.
I've heard the Frenchman is pretty handy with
his sword.
SHALLOW
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Tut, sir, I could do better than him. These days
they toe the line, they make all sorts of fancy moves:
good fighting comes from the heart, Master Page; it
is in here, here. I can remember the days when I could
have made you four big fellows jump like rats with my long sword.
Host
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
Here, boys, come on, come on! Shall we go in?
PAGE
Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE
I'll come with you. I would rather hear them arguing than fight.
FORD
Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
Exit
Although Page is foolishly overconfident, and puts so much faith
in his wife's weakness, I can't be quite so
confident; she was with him at Page's
house; and what they got up to there, I don't know. Well,
I will investigate it further: I have a plan by which I shall
quiz Falstaff. If I find she's faithful, that won't
be a waste of time; if she is not, it will be time well spent.
Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL
FALSTAFF
I will not lend thee a penny.
I won't lend you a penny.
PISTOL
Why, then the world's mine oyster,
Which I with sword will open.
Well then, I shall have to get my living
with my sword.
FALSTAFF
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour thou hadst it not.
Not a penny. I've been happy, sir, to let you
borrow using my good name; three times I have
pestered my friends to get reprieves for you and your
fellow traveller Nym; otherwise you would be looking
through the bars of a cage, like a pair of baboons. I will
go to hell for swearing to these gentlemen, my friends, that you were
good soldiers and brave fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost her fan holder, I gave my word of honour
that you didn't have it.
PISTOL
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Didn't you get a share of the profits? Didn't we give you fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beati
ng oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you!
Wasn't that deserved, you scoundrel? Do you think I'll
risk my soul for nothing? I'm telling you, don't try
to hang anything else on me; I am not your scaffold.
Go and pick pockets in a crowd, off to the slums!
You won't carry a letter for me, you scoundrel? You say
it's a question of honour? Why, you infinite
lowness, it's as much as I can do to keep
my own honour: even I sometimes have to
put away my fear of heaven and make my needs
more important than my honour; I have had to cheat,
scam and steal; and yet you, you scoundrel, protect
your rags, your cat's whiskers, your bar room
speech and your grating oaths under the
shield of honour?
PISTOL
I do relent: what would thou more of man?
Enter ROBIN
I give in: what more can you ask for?
ROBIN
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Sir, there's a woman here who wants to speak to you.
FALSTAFF
Let her approach.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
Send her in.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Give your worship good morrow.
Good day to your worship.
FALSTAFF
Good morrow, good wife.
Good day, good madam.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Not so, an't please your worship.
Not madam, if your worship doesn't mind.
FALSTAFF
Good maid, then.
Good miss, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
I'll swear that I'm
as much of a maid as my mother was, the day I was born.
FALSTAFF
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
I'll believe you. What can I do for you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Can I give your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF
Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
the hearing.
Two thousand, fair woman: and I will lend you
my ear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,--
There is a woman called Mistress Ford, sir–please, come
a little closer:–I myself live with master
Doctor Caius.
FALSTAFF
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
Right, move on: Mistress Ford, you say–
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways.
That's right, your worship: please your worship,
come a little closer.
FALSTAFF
I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
own people.
I promise you, nobody is listening; these are all
my own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!
Are they indeed? May God bless them and take them into heaven!
FALSTAFF
Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
Now then, Mistress Ford; what about her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray!
Well, sir, she is a good woman. Good Lord! Your
worship is a randy devil! Well, may heaven forgive you
and forgive all of us, I hope!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--
Mistress Ford; come on, about Mistress Ford–
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Well, this is the long and the short of it; you have
thrown her all into confusion.
The best of all the courtiers, when the court
was at Windsor, could never have got her in such a state.
There were knights, lords, and
gentlemen, in their coaches–I promise you,
coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift–
smelling so sweetly, all perfumed, and rustling, I
assure you, with silk and cloth of gold, speaking in such elegant
terms, with such honeyed words
that they would have won any woman's heart;
and, I promise you, they could never get so much as a wink
out of her; I was given twenty gold coins
this morning; not that I would let that sway me of course;
and I promise you, they could never get her to have so much
as a drink with them, even the greatest of them, and there have been
earls, and even better, pensioners, but
I promise you, they're all the same to her.
FALSTAFF
But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she-Mercury.
But what does she want to say to me? Be quick, my good
female Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his
house between ten and eleven.
Well, she got your letter, for which
she sends you a thousand thanks; and she wants you to know
that her husband will not be in his house
between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven?
Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.
Yes, indeed; and at that time you can come and see
the picture that she says you know about: Master Ford,
her husband, will be away. Alas! The sweet woman
has a very poor life with him: he's a very
jealous man: she has a very turbulent life with
him, the good lady.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
not fail her.
Ten and eleven. Woman, give her my compliments; I will
not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Well said. But I have another message
for your worship: Mistress Page has also sent her warm
wishes to you; and let me whisper
to you, she's as good, polite and modest a wife,
who I can tell you never misses morning or evening prayers,
as any in Windsor, whomever you compare her
with; and she told me to tell your worship that her
husband is not often away, but she hopes that there
will be an opportunity. I never knew a woman to be so
fascinated by man; it's as if you have a magic charm;
I really think you must have.
FALSTAFF
Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my