The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 298
good parts aside I have no other charms.
I don't, I can promise you: apart from my
good looks and good qualities I have no other magic.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing on your heart for't!
Bless you for it!
FALSTAFF
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
But, please, could you tell me this: have Ford's wife and
Page's wife told each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a
marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
That would be a good joke! I don't think they would be
so unsubtle; goodness that would be a joke! But
Mistress Page would like you to send her your young
servant, for the sake of love: her husband is very
keen on the little chap; and it's a fact
that Master Page is an honest man. There is no wife
in Windsor who has a better lifestyle than her: she does
whatever she wants, says what she wants, gets whatever she wants, has it paid for,
goes to bed when she wants, gets up when she wants, everything
is how she wants it: and she really does deserve it; for if there
is a single good woman in Windsor, she's one. You must send her
your page, there is no alternative.
FALSTAFF
Why, I will.
Well, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any
wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world.
Well, do so, then: and, you see, he can be your
go-between; and so you should have a
password, so that you can know what the other one is thinking, and
the boy will never understand a word; because
it is not good for children to know of any wickedness:
older people, as you know, can be discreet,
as they have knowledge of the world.
FALSTAFF
Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's
my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman.
Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN
This news distracts me!
Goodbye: give my regards to both of them: here's
my purse; I am still in your debt. Boy, go with
this woman.
PISTOL
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit
This slut is one of Cupid's ships:
put on more sail; chase her; put up your shields:
fire away: she is my trophy, or let the ocean swallow them all up!
FALSTAFF
Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
fairly done, no matter.
Enter BARDOLPH
So that's what the old Falstaff would say, is it? On your way,
I'll make better use of your old body than you have.
Will they now look after you? Will you, after laying out
so much money, make a profit? My good body, I
thank you. They can say that it is gross, but
who cares as long as it gets results.
BARDOLPH
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Sir John, there's a Master Brook downstairs who wants
to meet you and speak to you; he has
sent your worship a morning drink of sherry.
FALSTAFF
Brook is his name?
He's called Brook?
BARDOLPH
Ay, sir.
Yes, sir.
FALSTAFF
Call him in.
Exit BARDOLPH
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
have I encompassed you? go to; via!
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised
Send him in.
I'll always welcome a Brook, if it's running
with such liquor. Aha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page,
have I snared you? Come on then, let's hurry up!
FORD
Bless you, sir!
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
And you, sir! You want to talk to me?
FORD
I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
you.
If I might be so bold as to impose on you with so little
introduction.
FALSTAFF
You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.
Exit BARDOLPH
You're welcome. What is it you want? Leave us alone, barman.
FORD
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
Sir, I am a gentleman who has spent much; my name
is Brook.
FALSTAFF
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Good Master Brook, I would like to know you better.
FORD
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
for I must let you understand I think myself in
better plight for a lender than you are: the which
hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.
Good Sir John, I'd like to know you: not to sponge off you,
for I must tell you that I am in a better position
to lend money than you are: that's why
I'm cheeky enough to make this uninvited
intrusion; they do say that money opens all doors.
FALSTAFF
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and marches on.
FORD
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
Well I tell you, I have a bag of money here which is weighing me down:
if you will help me to carry it, Sir John, take it all, or
half, as payment for lifting the weight off me.
FALSTAFF
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
Sir, I don't know why you would choose me as your porter.
FORD
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
I will tell you, sir, if you will allow me.
FALSTAFF
Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
your servant.
Speak, good Master Brook: I will be glad to be
your servant.
FORD
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own; that I
may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
Sir, I hear that you are a scholar–I'll be as quick
as I can–and I have known about you for a long time,
although my means never matched my desire
to make your acquaintance. I shall reveal
something to you by which I will very much show
my own faults: but, good Sir John, as you hear about
my mistakes, bear in mind the list of your own;
that will make you more indulgent towards me, since you
yourself know how easy it is to slip up.
FALSTAFF
Very well, sir; proceed.
Very good, sir; carry on.
FORD
There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
name is Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
name is Ford.
FALSTAFF
Well, sir.
Go on, sir.
FORD
I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many to know
what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'
I have loved her for a long time, and, I must tell you,
have given her many things; paid attention to her every need;
taken every opportunity to meet her;
paid for any opportunity which might just give me
a glimpse of her; not only bought many presents
for her, but have paid a lot to other people to know
what sort of presents she would like; in short, I have
chased her as love chased me; it was that which
always spurred me on. But whatever I
deserved, either for myself or my gifts, I have
definitely got no reward; unless experience
is a jewel, that I have bought for an infinite price
and that has taught me to say this:
Love flies away like a shadow when money chases it;
it runs away and takes at the same time.
FALSTAFF
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
Hasn't she promised to give you what you want?
FORD
Never.
Never.
FALSTAFF
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Have you ever suggested such a thing to her?
FORD
Never.
Never.
FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love, then?
What was your love like, then?
FORD
Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it.
Like a good house built on somebody else's land;
so I have lost my building by putting it up
in the wrong place.
FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
And why are you telling me this?
FORD
When I have told you that, I have told you all.
Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
place and person, generally allowed for your many
war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
Once I have explained that, I've told you everything.
Some say that although she seems pure with me,
with others she lets her passions have free rein,
and there is plenty to be got from her. Now, Sir
John, this is the heart of the matter: you are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
speech, you are welcomed everywhere, you are
a very genuine person, universally admired
for all your soldierly, courtly and scholarly virtues.
FALSTAFF
O, sir!
Oh, sir!
FORD
Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend
it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to
consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
any.
You know it's true. Here is some money;
spend it, spend it; spend more; spend everything I have;
all I ask in exchange is enough of your time
to make a good attack on the honesty
of Ford's wife: use your seductive arts; get her
to give in to you: if any man can do it it's you.
FALSTAFF
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
What good would it do your love
if I got what you want?
I don't think you're doing yourself any favours.
FORD
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves: I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
other her defences, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?
Oh, understand my plan. She is so concerned with
upholding her virtue that I dare not show her my
foolish desires: she is too good for me to
try that. Now, if I could approach her
with evidence that she was not that good, my desires
would have an example to follow: I
> could then get her away from the shelter of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage vows, and her thousand
other defences, which at the moment are too strong
for me to overcome. What do you say, Sir John?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
Master Brook, first I'll take your money;
next, I'll shake your hand; and lastly, I promise as I am
a gentleman that you shall, if you want to, have Ford's wife.
FORD
O good sir!
Oh good sir!
FALSTAFF
I say you shall.
I tell you you will.
FORD
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
Don't worry about money, Sir John; you shall have all you want.
FALSTAFF
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want
none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I
shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
that time the jealous rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
know how I speed.
Don't worry about Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you will have