The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 299
all of her that you want. I can tell you that I will be visiting her
at her own invitation; just as you came in to see me, her
assistant or messenger was leaving; I'll tell you I
will be with her between ten and eleven; at that
time the jealous rascally knave, her husband,
will be out. Come to me at night; I'll let you know
how I get on.
FORD
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,
sir?
I'm lucky to know you. Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:
yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
and there's my harvest-home.
Damn him, poor cheated on knave! I don't know him:
but I shouldn't call him poor; I hear that the
jealous blameworthy knave has pots of money; and his
wife seems very willing for me to have some. I will
use her as the key to get into the cuckolded scoundrel's money chest;
that's where I'll reap my harvest.
FORD
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
if you saw him.
I wish you knew Ford, sir, so that you could avoid him
if you saw him.
FALSTAFF
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the
cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and
cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit
Damn him, the vulgar social climbing scoundrel!
I will stare the fellow down; I will intimidate him
with my club; it will hang like a falling star over
his cheated head. Master Brook, I promise you
that I will triumph over this peasant, and you shall
sleep with his wife. Come to me one night soon.
Ford's a knave, and I shall make him worse;
you, Master Brook, will see that he is a knave
and a cuckold. Come and see me one night soon.
FORD
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the
hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under
the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
devils' additions, the names of fiends: but
Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath
not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be
praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.
I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit
What damned dirty rascal is this? My
heart is ready to burst with anger. Nobody can say
that this is unreasonable jealousy. My wife has written to
him, the time has been fixed, the match has been made. Would
any man have imagined this? You see the hell of having
a false woman: my bed will be polluted, my money chests
ransacked, my reputation ruined, and I shall not
only suffer this disgraceful wrong, but be called
revolting names, by the one who is doing it to me.
Terms! Names! Amaimon sounds good, and Lucifer,
and Barbason, but they are all names of the devil.
But cuckold! Willing cuckold! The devil himself
isn't called such things. Page is a fool, a complacent fool:
he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I would rather
trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the
Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
whiskey bottle, or a thief to exercise my walking
horse, than trust my wife with herself. Now she plots,
then she thinks, then she invents; and what
they think in their hearts they will do,
they will break their hearts to achieve. May heaven
be praised for making me jealous! Eleven o'clock is the time:
I will stop this, catch out my wife, have revenge on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I'll get going; better
to be three hours early than one minute too late. Damn,
damn, damn; cheated, cheated, cheated!
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
DOCTOR CAIUS
Jack Rugby!
Jack Rugby!
RUGBY
Sir?
Sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat is de clock, Jack?
What's the time, Jack?
RUGBY
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
It is past the time, sir, that Sir Hugh promised he would be here.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he
has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
By God, he has saved his soul by not coming;
he has prayed wisely, by not coming: by God,
Jack Rugby, he's a dead man, if he comes here.
RUGBY
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
him, if he came.
He is sensible, sir; he knew your worship would kill
him, if he came.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
By God, there's no herring as dead as I would kill him.
Take your sword, Jack; I'll show you how I will kill him.
RUGBY
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Villany, take your rapier.
You villain, take your sword.
RUGBY
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE
Stop it; we have company.
Host
Bless thee, bully doctor!
God bless you, good doctor!
SHALLOW
Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
God save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE
Now, good master doctor!
Now, good mast
er doctor!
SLENDER
Give you good morrow, sir.
Good day to you, sir.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
What have you four all come here for?
Host
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee
traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to
see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is
he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is
he dead, bully stale? is he dead?
To see you fight, to see you lunge, to see you
dance from side to side and see you here, to see you there;
to see you thrust, stick, slash, keep your distance,
thrust upwards. Is he dead, my black bearded one?
Is he dead, my Frenchman? Ha, good! What do you say,
Aesculapius? Galen? My elderflower? Ha! Is
he dead, my joke? Is he dead?
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he
is not show his face.
By God, he is a cowardly monkey of a priest; he
doesn't dare to show his face.
Host
Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!
You are a Spanish pisspot. Hector of Greece, my boy!
DOCTOR CAIUS
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or
seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
Please, be my witnesses that I have waited six or
seven, two, three hours for him, and he has not come.
SHALLOW
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of
souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions.
Is it not true, Master Page?
He has more sense than you, master doctor: he takes care
of souls, and you take care of bodies; if you fight
you're both going against your trades.
Don't you agree, Master Page?
PAGE
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.
Master Shallow, you yourself have been a great
fighter, though now you are a man of peace.
SHALLOW
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of
the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one. Though we are justices and doctors and
churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our
youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
My goodness, Master Page, although I am now old and
peaceful, if I see a drawn sword my fingers itch to
join in. Although we are justices and doctors and
clergymen, Master Page, we still have a bit of our
youthful strength in us; we are still human, Master Page.
PAGE
'Tis true, Master Shallow.
That's true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor
Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of
the peace: you have showed yourself a wise
physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise
and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
It will be proved, Master Page. Master Doctor
Caius, I have come to take you home. I am sworn
to keep the peace: you have shown yourself to be a wise
physician, and Sir Hugh has shown himself to be a wise
and careful clergyman. You must come with me, master doctor.
Host
Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.
Excuse me, my magistrate guest. A word, Mr Stalepiss.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Mock-vater! vat is dat?
Stalepiss? What does that mean?
Host
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
Stalepiss, in English, means bravery, old chap.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de
Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me
vill cut his ears.
By God, then, I have as much stale piss as the
Englishman. Rascally mongrel priest! By God, I
shall cut his ears off.
Host
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
He'll give you a good whopping, old man.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Whopping! What is that?
Host
That is, he will make thee amends.
It means that he will apologise to you.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;
for, by gar, me vill have it.
By God, he certainly shall give me a good whopping;
I'll insist on it.
Host
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
I'll make him do it, or he'll have to run for it.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Me tank you for dat.
Thank you for that.
Host
And, moreover, bully, [aside]--but first, master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
And, what's more, old chap [aside]–but first, master guest, and
Master Page, and also the gallant Slender, go through
the town to Frogmore.
PAGE
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
That's where Sir Hugh is, is it?
Host
He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
He is: see what sort of mood he is in; and I will
bring the doctor round the long way. Can you play your part?
SHALLOW
We will do it.
We will do it.
PAGE SHALLOW SLENDER
Adieu, good master doctor.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
Goodbye, good master doctor.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a
jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
By God, I will kill the priest; he spoke like a
monkey to Anne Page.
Host
Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold
water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou
shalt woo her. Cried game; said I well?
Let him die: put away your anger, throw cold
water on your temper: come round the fields with me
to Frogmore: I will lead you to where Mistress
Anne Page is, dining at a farmhouse; and you
will woo her. Are you up for it? Do you like the idea?
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;
and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
By God, I thank you for that: by God, I like you;
I'll get you some good guests, earls,
knights, lords, gentlemen, all my patients.
Host
For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page. Said I well?
And in return I'll ruin your chances with Anne
Page. How does that sound?
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
&nbs
p; By God, that sounds good; well said.
Host
Let us wag, then.
Let's go then.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt
Follow on behind, Jack Rugby.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE
SIR HUGH EVANS
I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
Now I ask you, good master Slender's servant,
who I understand is called Simple, whereabouts have you
looked for Master Caius, who calls himself a doctor of medicine?
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every
way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town
way.
Well, sir, in the church district, the park district, every
place; out towards old Windsor, and everywhere except
for the town.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way.
I certainly want you to look there
as well.
SIMPLE
I will, sir.