The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 301
borrowed veil of modesty from the innocent looking
Mistress Page, show up Page himself as an overconfident and
blameworthy cuckold; and in all these rowdy events
my neighbours will praise my efforts. [Clock strikes] The
clock says that it is time, and my certainty tells me
to look: I shall find Falstaff there. I would rather
be applauded for this than mocked, for I am on
very solid ground thinking Falstaff is there. I will go.
SHALLOW PAGE & C
Well met, Master Ford.
Hello there, Master Ford.
FORD
[aside] Trust me, a good knot: [aloud] I have good cheer at home;
and I pray you all go with me.
[ aside] Well, here's a pretty mob: [aloud] I've plenty to eat and drink at home;
please, why don't you all come with me.
SHALLOW
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
You must excuse me, Master Ford.
SLENDER
And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with
Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for
more money than I'll speak of.
And me, sir: we have a date to dine with
Mistress Anne, and I wouldn't break it off for
the world.
SHALLOW
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and
my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
We have been hoping for a match between Anne Page and
my cousin Slender, and today we'll know the answer.
SLENDER
I hope I have your good will, father Page.
I hope I have your support, father Page.
PAGE
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:
but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
You have, Master Slender; I'm completely on your side:
but my wife, master doctor, is completely on yours.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush.
Yes, by God; and the girl loves me: Mistress
Quickly told me as much.
Host
What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he
dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will
carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he
will carry't.
What would you say to young Master Fenton? He can leap,
he can dance, he has a young man's eyes, he writes verses,
he speaks in a jolly way, he has the freshness of spring:
he'll win, he'll win; you can see it in his face; he
will win.
PAGE
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
of no having: he kept company with the wild prince
and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too
much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance: if he take her,
let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on
my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
Not with my agreement, I can assure you. The gentleman is
no catch: he used to hang out with the wild Prince of Wales
and Poins; he moves in too high circles; he is too
experienced. No, he will not patch up his fortunes
with my material: if he wants her
he can have her on her own; my wealth depends on
my decision, and I don't decide that way.
FORD
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me
to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,
you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
I really must insist that some of you come home with me
for dinner: besides the food and drink, you shall be
entertained; I'll show you a freak. Master doctor,
you shall come; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW
Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing
at Master Page's.
Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER
Well, have a good time: this will give us more freedom
to woo at Master Page's place.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Exit RUGBY
Go home, John Rugby; I'll come in a while.
Host
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Exit
Goodbye, dear boys: I'm going to my good knight
Falstaff, to drink sherry with him.
FORD
[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first
with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
I think I shall have a little tipple with him;
I'll make him dance. Are you coming, gentlemen?
All
Have with you to see this monster.
Exeunt
We'll come with you to see this freak.
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS FORD
What, John! What, Robert!
Hello, John! Hello, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE
Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--
Quickly, quickly! Is the laundry basket–
MISTRESS FORD
I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket
I'm sure of it. Hello, Robin, where are you!
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, come, come.
Come on, hurry up.
MISTRESS FORD
Here, set it down.
Here, put it down.
MISTRESS PAGE
Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
Give your men your orders; we must hurry.
MISTRESS FORD
Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause
or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
Now, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
ready close by in the outhouse; and when I
suddenly call you, come out and without pausing
or hesitating take this basket on your shoulders.
When you've done that, walk off with it quickly, and carry it
to the bleachers in Datchet Meadow, and there
tip the contents into the muddy ditch by the side of the Thames.
MISTRESS PAGE
You will do it?
You'll do it?
MISTRESS FORD
I ha' told them over and over; they lack no
direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
Exeunt Servants
I've told them over and over again; they don't need
any more orders. Go, and come when you are called.
MISTRESS PAGE
Here comes little Robin.
Enter ROBIN
Here comes little Robin.
MISTRESS FORD
How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
Hello, my baby hunting hawk! What's the news?
ROBIN
My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
My master, Sir John, has come in by the back door,
Mistress Ford, and wants to s
ee you.
MISTRESS PAGE
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
You little imp, have you stayed loyal to us?
ROBIN
Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he
swears he'll turn me away.
Yes, I'll swear it. My master doesn't know that
you're here and has threatened to sack me
permanently if I tell you he is; he swears
he'll lay me off.
MISTRESS PAGE
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be
a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet
and hose. I'll go hide me.
You're a good boy: your discretion will be
a tailor for you and get you a new jacket
and stockings. I'll go and hide.
MISTRESS FORD
Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
Exit ROBIN
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
Do that. Go and tell your master I'm alone.
Mistress Page, don't forget your cue.
MISTRESS PAGE
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
Exit
I promise I won't; if I miss it, boo me.
MISTRESS FORD
Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,
this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know
turtles from jays.
Enter FALSTAFF
Off you go then: we'll trick this unhealthy sweatbag,
this gross watery pumpkin; we'll teach him the difference
between tarts and respectable women.
FALSTAFF
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let
me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Have I got you, my heavenly jewel? Why, now
I can die, for I have lived long enough: this is the
pinnacle of my dreams: oh what a happy time!
MISTRESS FORD
O sweet Sir John!
Oh sweet Sir John!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the
best lord; I would make thee my lady.
Mistress Ford, I cannot lie, I don't have a silver tongue,
Mistress Ford. Now I shall be a sinner by wishing: I wish
your husband was dead: I'll say it in front of the
highest in the land; I want you to be my lady.
MISTRESS FORD
I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!
Me your lady, Sir John! I'm afraid I would be a very poor lady!
FALSTAFF
Let the court of France show me such another. I see
how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast
the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of
Venetian admittance.
Let the French court show me one as good. I can see
that your eyes are like diamonds: you have
the perfect curves to your brow that would suit
the most elaborate headdresses of the Venetian fashion.
MISTRESS FORD
A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing
else; nor that well neither.
A plain headscarf, Sir John: nothing else suits my brow;
and that doesn't look particularly good.
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou
wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm
fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion
to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see
what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature
thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
By God, it's treason to say so: you
would make a perfect courtier; and your
perfect posture would make you look very good
as you walked in a fashionable dress. I can see
what you should have been, if fortune had been as kind to you
as nature has been. Come on, you can't hide it.
MISTRESS FORD
Believe me, there is no such thing in me.
Believe me, I have no such qualities.
FALSTAFF
What made me love thee? let that persuade thee
there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I
cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury
in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none
but thee; and thou deservest it.
What made me fall in love with you? That should show you
there's something wonderful in you. Come, I
cannot lie and say you are this and that, like
so many of these mincing poets, who are like
women dressed as men, and smell like a perfume shop
in summertime; I cannot: but I love you; nobody
but you; and you are worthy of my love.
MISTRESS FORD
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
Don't lie to me, sir. I'm afraid you love Mistress Page.
FALSTAFF
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek
of a lime-kiln.
You might as well say that I like to walk past
the debtors' prison, which smells as bad to me as the stench
of a lime kiln.
MISTRESS FORD
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one
day find it.
Well, God knows how much I love you; and one day
you shall know it too.
FALSTAFF
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Remember that; I'll earn it.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not
be in that mind.
No, I must tell you, so you do; otherwise I couldn't
think that way.
ROBIN
[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's
Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and
looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here is
Mistress Page at the door, sweating and puffing and
staring madly, and she says she must speak to you at once.
FALSTAFF
She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.
She can't see me: I will hide behind the curtain.
MISTRESS FORD
Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.
FALSTAFF hides himself
Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
What's the matter? how now!
Please, do: she's a terrible gossip.
What's all this? What's going on!
MISTRESS PAGE
O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,
you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!
Oh Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,
you're ruined, you're lost forever!
MISTRESS FORD
What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
Whatever is the matter, good Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man
to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
Oh what a terrible thing, Mistress Ford! With a good man
as your husband, you give him such grounds for suspicion!
MISTRESS FORD
What cause of suspicion?
What grounds have I given him?
MISTRESS PAGE
What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I
mistook in you!
What grounds have you given him! Don't play the innocent:
how mistaken I was about you!
MISTRESS FORD
Why, alas, what's the matter?
Why, whatever can the matter be?
MISTRESS PAGE
Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that
he says is here now in the house by your consent, to
take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.
Your husband is coming here, woman, with all the
officers of Windsor, to look for a gentleman that
he says is in the house now with your permission
in order to get up to no good while he's gone: you are lost.