The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 302
MISTRESS FORD
'Tis not so, I hope.
I hope not.
MISTRESS PAGE
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,
with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a
one. I come before to tell you. If you know
yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you
have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not
amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your
reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
Please God it may not be true, that you have a man here
as they say! But it's certainly true that your husband is coming,
with half of Windsor following him, to look for such a
man. I ran ahead to tell you. If you know
that you are innocent, why, I'm very glad; but if you
have a friend here you had better get him out. Don't be
panicked; get your wits about you; defend your
reputation, or say goodbye to your pleasant life for ever.
MISTRESS FORD
What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear
friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his
peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were
out of the house.
What shall I do? There is a man here, my dear
friend; and I'm not so worried about my own shame as
the danger for him: I would give a thousand pounds
for him to be out of the house.
MISTRESS PAGE
For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you
had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink
you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot
hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here
is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he
may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as
if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time
--send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
For heaven's sake! Don't waste time saying ‘I wish this’ and
‘I wish that.’ Your husband is right here, think
of some way to get him away: you can't hide him
in the house. Oh how you have misled me! Look, here
is a basket: if he's any reasonable size, he
can creep in here; throw the dirty linen on top of him
as if it was going to the wash; or–it is the time of year for bleaching–
send him with your two men to Datchet Meadow.
MISTRESS FORD
He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?
He's too big to get in there. What shall I do?
FALSTAFF
[Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let
me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's
counsel. I'll in.
Let me see it, let me see it quick, let me see it!
I'll get in, I'll get in. Do as your friend
says, I'll get in.
MISTRESS PAGE
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
FALSTAFF
I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
I'll never--
Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen
I love you, help me escape. Let me get in here.
I'll never–
MISTRESS PAGE
Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
Helped cover up your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You cheating knight!
MISTRESS FORD
What, John! Robert! John!
Exit ROBIN
Re-enter Servants
Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet-mead; quickly, come.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Hello, John! Robert! John!
Go and take away these clothes, quickly. Where's the
carrying pole? Look how you dawdle! Take them to
the laundress in Datchet Meadow; quickly, get going.
FORD
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;
I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?
You stick close to me: if my suspicions are groundless,
then you can make fun of me; let me be the bottom of your jokes;
I would deserve it. What's this! Where are you taking this?
Servant
To the laundress, forsooth.
To the laundress, of course.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You
were best meddle with buck-washing.
What's it got to do with you where they're taking it?
You should be thinking about washing bucks.
FORD
Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;
and of the season too, it shall appear.
Exeunt Servants with the basket
Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my
chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant
we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.
Locking the door
So, now uncape.
Bucks! I wish I could wash away the buck!
Buck, buck, buck! Yes, buck; I should think it is a buck;
it's the season for it as I'll show.
Gentlemen, I had a dream last night; I'll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here are my keys: go up to my
bedrooms, search, seek, discover: I swear
we'll unearth the fox. Let me block up this escape first.
So, now let's uncover him.
PAGE
Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
Good Master Ford, calm down: you are getting in a state.
FORD
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see
sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
Exit
That's true, Master Page. Up you go, gentlemen:
you'll see the quarry soon: follow me, gentlemen.
SIR HUGH EVANS
This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
These are amazing moods and jealousies.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France.
By God, we are not like this in France; we are not
jealous in France.
PAGE
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Come on and follow him, gentlemen; let's see the results of his search.
MISTRESS PAGE
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Isn't this doubly good?
MISTRESS FORD
I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
is deceived, or Sir John.
I don't know which pleases me more, that my husband
has been tricked, or that Sir John has.
MISTRESS PAGE
What a taking was he in when your husband asked who
was in the basket!
Imagine what he must have felt when your husband asked what
was in the basket!
MISTRESS FORD
I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so
throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
My
only regret is that he will need a wash; so
throwing him into the water will do him good.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same
strain were in the same distress.
Hang him, the dishonest rascal! I wish everyone like him
was in the same boat.
MISTRESS FORD
I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross
in his jealousy till now.
I think my husband had some special reason to think
that Falstaff was here; I never saw him so openly
jealous before.
MISTRESS PAGE
I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have
more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will
scarce obey this medicine.
I'll play a trick to find that out; and we'll have
some more fun with Falstaff: he's so awful
that this alone won't be enough to teach him.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the
water; and give him another hope, to betray him to
another punishment?
Shall we send that silly bitch, Mistress
Quickly, to him, apologise for his being thrown into
the water, and hold out more hope, to trap him
into another punishment?
MISTRESS PAGE
We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,
eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Let's do it: let's send for him tomorrow
at eight o'clock, to apologise.
FORD
I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that
he could not compass.
I can't find him: maybe the scoundrel was boasting of things
that he couldn't manage.
MISTRESS PAGE
[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?
Did you hear that?
MISTRESS FORD
You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
This is a good way to treat me, is it Master Ford?
FORD
Ay, I do so.
Yes, it is.
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
May heaven make you better than your thoughts!
FORD
Amen!
Amen!
MISTRESS PAGE
You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
You have done yourself a great wrong, Master Ford.
FORD
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Yes, yes; I must put up with it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
If there is anybody in the house, in the
bedrooms, in the chests, in the drawers,
then may heaven forgive my sins on Judgement Day!
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
By God, mine neither: there's nobody here.
PAGE
Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What
spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I
would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.
Come now, Master Ford! Aren't you ashamed? What
spirit, what devil stirred up your imagination? I
wouldn't want to have your sort of feelings
for all the treasure in Windsor Castle.
FORD
'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
I'm in the wrong, Master Page: I suffer for it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as
honest a 'omans as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.
You're suffering from a bad conscience: your wife is as
honest a woman as one could hope to find amongst five
thousand, or even five hundred.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
By God, I can see she's an honest woman.
FORD
Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter
make known to you why I have done this. Come,
wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;
pray heartily, pardon me.
Well, I promised you a dinner. Come on, we'll walk in
the Park until it's ready: please forgive me; I will tell you
later why I have done this. Come,
wife; come, Mistress Page. Please, forgive me;
I'm begging you, forgive me.
PAGE
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock
him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house
to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I
have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, believe me, we'll make fun
of him. I'd like to invite you to come to my house for breakfast
tomorrow morning; afterwards, we'll go hunting together; I
have a good hawk for flushing out game.
FORD
Any thing.
Whatever you like.
SIR HUGH EVANS
If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
If anyone is going, I will be a second member of the party.
DOCTOR CAIUS
If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
If there are going to be one or two, I shall be the third.
FORD
Pray you, go, Master Page.
Come on, Master Page.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy
knave, mine host.
Now don't forget, tomorrow we will take revenge on that
lousy scoundrel, the landlord.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!
That's good; by God, definitely!
SIR HUGH EVANS
A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
Exeunt
A lousy scoundrel, with his sneers and jokes!
Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE
FENTON
I see I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
I see I'll never get your father's approval;
so don't ask me to approach him again, sweet Anne.
ANNE PAGE
Alas, how then?
Alas, what shall we do then?
FENTON
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth--,
And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.
Well, you must decide for yourself.
His objection is that I am too high born,
and that as my estate is loaded with debt
I am trying to improve it with his wealth:
besides that, he has other objections to me,
my former riotous behaviour and my wild company;
he tells me that he'll never believe
that I love you for anything but your money.
ANNE PAGE
May be he tells you true.
Perhaps he's right.
F
ENTON
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
He's not, may heaven strike me dead if he is!
I must admit that your father's wealth
was what inspired me to woo you, Anne:
but in the process I found you are worth more
than golden coins or moneybags;
it is the riches of your personality
which I want now.
ANNE PAGE
Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!
They converse apart
Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY
Gentle Master Fenton,
carry on trying for my father's approval: