The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 303
if the circumstances and humble pleading
cannot get it, why then–listen to me!
SHALLOW
Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall
speak for himself.
Break up their conversation, Mistress Quickly: my relative
will speak for himself.
SLENDER
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but
venturing.
I'll have a stab at it, I'll succeed
one way or the other.
FALLOW
Be not dismayed.
Don't despair.
SLENDER
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,
but that I am afeard.
No, she can't make me despair: the only thing that can set me back
is my own fear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.
Listen; Master Slender would like to speak to you.
ANNE PAGE
I come to him.
Aside
This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!
I'm coming.
This is the one my father wants for me.
Oh, how many revolting ugly flaws
can be covered up by three hundred pounds a year!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.
And how is good Master Fenton? Please, I want a word with you.
SHALLOW
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!
She's coming; go to her, cousin. Oh boy, you had a father!
SLENDER
I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you
good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress
Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of
a pen, good uncle.
I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you
some good stories about it. Please, uncle, tell Mistress
Anne the story of how my father stole two geese out of
a pen, good uncle.
SHALLOW
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
SLENDER
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
Yes I do; as much as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
SHALLOW
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
He will keep you like a gentlewoman.
SLENDER
Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the
degree of a squire.
Yes I will, come what may, as befits the title
of a squire.
SHALLOW
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.
He will set up a legacy of one hundred and fifty pounds for you.
ANNE PAGE
Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Good Master Shallow, let him do his own wooing.
SHALLOW
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good
comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.
Thank you for saying that; thank you for those
kind words. She is asking for you, cousin: I'll leave you.
ANNE PAGE
Now, Master Slender,--
Now, Master Slender–
SLENDER
Now, good Mistress Anne,--
Now, good Mistress Anne–
ANNE PAGE
What is your will?
What is your will?
SLENDER
My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest
indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I
am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
My will! By God, that's a nice joke!
I have never made a will, thank heavens;
thank heavens, I am not ill.
ANNE PAGE
I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?
I mean, Master Slender, what are your intentions towards me?
SLENDER
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing
with you. Your father and my uncle hath made
motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be
his dole! They can tell you how things go better
than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.
Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, for my part, I have no intentions towards
you. Your father and my uncle have set this
up; if I have the luck to get you, good; if not, good luck
to the one who does! They can tell you better than I
how matters progress: you can ask your father; here he comes.
PAGE
Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.
Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
Why, what's this! What is Master Fenton doing here?
You're doing wrong, sir, to still hang around my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is spoken for.
FENTON
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
No, Master Page, don't be so hasty.
MISTRESS PAGE
Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
Good Master Fenton, don't make advances to my child.
PAGE
She is no match for you.
You shan't marry her.
FENTON
Sir, will you hear me?
Sir, will you listen to me?
PAGE
No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, let's go in.
You know my intentions, and so you are insulting me, Master Fenton.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Speak to Mistress Page.
Speak to Mistress Page.
FENTON
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love
And not retire: let me have your good will.
Good Mistress Page, as I love your daughter
so completely,
I must carry on pressing my suit
in the face of all censure, rebukes and conventions,
and I cannot retreat: give me your blessing.
ANNE PAGE
Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
Good mother, do not marry me to that fool over there.
MISTRESS PAGE
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
I don't intend to; I'm looking for a better husband for you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
That's my master, master doctor.
She means my master, the master doctor.
ANNE PAGE
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth
And bowl'd to death with turnips!
Oh no, I would rather be buried up to the neck in the ground
and stoned to death with turnips!
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in
;
Her father will be angry.
Now now, don't trouble yourself. Good Master Fenton,
I will be neither your friend nor your enemy:
I will question my daughter about her love for you,
and I will act accordingly.
Until then farewell, sir: she must go inside;
her father will be angry.
FENTON
Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE
Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast
away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on
Master Fenton:' this is my doing.
I sorted this out: ‘No,’ I said, ‘will you throw
your daughter away on a fool and a doctor?
Look at Master Fenton.’ This is my doing.
FENTON
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night
Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.
Thank you; and please, at some point tonight
give my sweet Nan this ring: take this for your trouble.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Now heaven send thee good fortune!
Exit FENTON
A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I
would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would
Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master
Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all
three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good
as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,
I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!
Exit
May Heaven bless you with good luck!
He has a kind heart: a woman will run through
Fire and water for such a kind heart. And yet I
would like my master to have Mistress Anne; or
for Master Slender to have; or, in fact, for Master
Fenton to have her; I will do what I can for all three of them;
that's what I've promised, and I'll be as good
as my word; but I'll work especially hard for Master Fenton.
Well, I must run another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
my two mistresses: what a slowcoach I am to have left it until now!
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say,--
Bardolph, I want–
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
I'm here, sir.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
Exit BARDOLPH
Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a
barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,
I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give
them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,
fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the
bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells
a man; and what a thing should I have been when I
had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack
Go and get me a quart of sherry; put some toast in it.
Has it come to this, for me to be carried in a basket
like a barrowful of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
Thames? Well, if I ever fall for trick like that again,
I'll have my brains taken out and buttered, and give
then to a dog as a New Year's present. The scoundrels
chucked me into the river caring as little
as if they were drowning the puppies of a blind bitch,
with fifteen in the litter; and you can see from my size that
I'm rather good at sinking: if the bottom
went as far down as hell, I would reach it. I would have been
drowned except down the shore shelved and was shallow–
I would hate to die like that: drowned men swell up; and
what should I look like swollen up!
I would look like a mountain of meat.
BARDOLPH
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
FALSTAFF
Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my
belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for
pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Let me add some sherry to the Thames water; my
belly is as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs as
pills to cool my kidneys. Tell her to come in.
BARDOLPH
Come in, woman!
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
Come in, woman!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship
good morrow.
With your permission; I thank you for it: good day
to your worship.
FALSTAFF
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of
sack finely.
Take away these thimble sized cups. Go and brew me
a good two quarts of sack.
BARDOLPH
With eggs, sir?
With eggs, sir?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
Exit BARDOLPH
How now!
I'll take it straight; I don't want chicken sperm in my drink.
Now then!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.
Well, sir, I have come to your worship from Mistress Ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown
into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
Mistress Ford! I have had enough of fords; I was thrown
into the ford; my belly is full of ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:
she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
A bad business! Dear man, that was not her fault:
she is furious with her men; they misunderstood their instructions.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.
So did I, setting store by a foolish woman's promise.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her
between eight and nine: I must carry her word
quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Well, she is very sorry for it, sir, it would break
your heart to see it. Her husband is going out hunting
this morning; she wants you to come to her again
between eight and nine: I must take her your answer
quickly: she'll make it up to you, I promise you.
FALSTAFF
Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
Well, I will visit: tell her I will; and tell her
to think how frail men can be,
and to judge my merits i
n that context.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
I will tell her.
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?
Do so. Between nine and ten, did you say?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Eight and nine, sir.
Eight and nine, sir.
FALSTAFF
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Well, on your way: I'll be there.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace be with you, sir.
Exit
Peace be with you, sir.
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word
to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
Enter FORD
I'm surprised I haven't heard from Master Brook; he sent me a message
to wait for him: I'm keen on his money. Oh, here he comes.
FORD
Bless you, sir!