The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 304
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Brook, you come to know what hath passed
between me and Ford's wife?
Now, Master Brook, have you heard of what happened between
myself and Ford's wife?
FORD
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Indeed Sir John, that is why I have come.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
house the hour she appointed me.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
house at the time she instructed.
FORD
And sped you, sir?
And did you get on well, sir?
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
Very badly, Master Brook.
FORD
How so, sir? Did she change her determination?
Why was that, sir? Did she change her mind?
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our
encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,
and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;
and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither
provoked and instigated by his distemper, and,
forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.
No, Master Brook; but that slinking cuckold, her
husband, Master Brook, who lives in a continuous
jealous fear, came to me just as things were coming
to the boil, after we had hugged, kissed, spoken our feelings,
and, as it were, gone through the prologue of the comedy;
he had with him a mob of friends, who were
ordered and egged on by his temper
to search his house for his wife's lover.
FORD
What, while you were there?
What, while you were there?
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
While I was there.
FORD
And did he search for you, and could not find you?
And he searched for you, and could not find you?
FALSTAFF
You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's
approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's
distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
I'll tell you. As good luck had it, in came
one Mistress Page; she gave warning of Ford's
coming; and with her cunning and Ford's wife's
panic, they put me into a laundry basket.
FORD
A buck-basket!
A laundry basket!
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.
By God, a laundry basket! They shoved me in with dirty
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
napkins; Master Brook, together they made the most disgusting
mixture of smells that ever revolted anyone's nose.
FORD
And how long lay you there?
And how long were you in there?
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.
Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's
knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their
mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to
Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met
the jealous knave their master in the door, who
asked them once or twice what they had in their
basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave
would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he
should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he
for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But
mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs
of three several deaths; first, an intolerable
fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten
bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good
bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,
like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes
that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a
man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject
to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution
and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.
And in the height of this bath, when I was more than
half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be
thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,
in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of
that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.
You shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
endured to turn this woman bad, for your good.
As I was squashed in this basket, a couple of
Ford's scoundrels, his servants, were ordered by their
mistress to take me, disguised as dirty clothes, to
Datchet Lane; they lifted me on their shoulders;
they met that jealous knave their master in the doorway,
who asked them a couple of times what was in
the basket. I was shaking with fear that the mad
knave would search it; but fate, deciding
that he should be betrayed, held back. Well, he
carried on with his search, and I went off disguised
as dirty clothes. But note what happened afterwards, Master Brook:
I had to put up with the fear of three separate deaths. Firstly
there was the terrible fright that I would be discovered by that jealous
diseased ass; next, I was bent double
like a good sword forced into a jar, hilt to point,
head to heels; I was forced in with stinking clothes
like something being boiled in their own grease–think of that–
a man of my type–think of that–who is as affected by
heat as butter; a man who is always boiling and sweating:
it was a miracle I didn't suffocate. And
at the worst of this boiling, when I was more than
half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, I was
thrown into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot,
into the river, like a horseshoe–think of that–
hissing hot–think of that, Master Brook!
FORD
In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you
have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
I am genuinely sorry that you have suffered
all this for my sake. That's the end of my wooing then;
you won't try her again?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have
been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have
received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into a volcano, as I have
been into the Thames, before I will give up like this. Her
husband has gone hunting this morning: I have
been summoned to another date by her; between
eight and nine is the time, Master Brook.
FORD
'Tis past eight alread
y, sir.
It's gone eight already, sir.
FALSTAFF
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be
crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall
have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall
cuckold Ford.
Exit
Is it? Then I will go and keep my appointment.
Come to me when you can, and I will tell you
how I got on; and the outcome of it all will be
that you shall have her. Goodbye. You shall
have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall
cheat on Ford.
FORD
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I
sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!
there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.
This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my
house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he
should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,
nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that
guides him should aid him, I will search
impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,
yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:
if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I'll be horn-mad.
Exit
Hum! Ha! Is this an hallucination? Is this a dream? Am I
asleep? Master Ford wake up! Wake up, Master Ford!
There is a fault in your perfect life, Master Ford.
This is what marriage is like! This is what it's like to have linen
and laundry baskets! Well, I will reveal myself for
who I am: I will now have the lecher; he is at my
house; he can't escape me; is impossible for him
to do; he can't creep into a change purse,
nor into a pepperpot: but, unless the devil that
guides him helps him, I will search
every possible place. Though I can't help what I am,
I'll be dammed if I become what I am not:
if being cheated on makes one mad, let me be
the proof of it: I shall go mad.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?
Do you think he's already at Master Ford's?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but,
truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing
into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
He surely is by now, or will be very shortly: but,
truly, he's boiling mad about being thrown
into the water. Mistress Ford wants you to come at once.
MISTRESS PAGE
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young
man here to school. Look, where his master comes;
'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?
I'll be with her soon; first I have to take my young
man here to school. Look, here comes his teacher;
it's a holiday, I see.
Hello there, Sir Hugh! No school today?
SIR HUGH EVANS
No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.
No; Master Slender has given the boys the day off.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing of his heart!
Bless his heart!
MISTRESS PAGE
Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in
the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some
questions in his accidence.
Sir Hugh, my husband says that my son is learning
nothing from his books. Please, test him on
his pronunciation.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.
Come here, William: hold your head up: come on.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your
master, be not afraid.
Come on, lad; hold your head up; answer your
teacher, don't be shy.
SIR HUGH EVANS
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
William, how many types of nouns are there?
WILLIAM PAGE
Two.
Two.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Truly, I thought there had been one number more,
because they say, ''Od's nouns.'
Well, I thought there was one more than that,
because they say, “odd nouns."
SIR HUGH EVANS
Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?
Stop your chatter! How do you say ‘fair,’ William?
WILLIAM PAGE
Pulcher.
Pulcher.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.
Polecats! There are certainly fairer things than that.
SIR HUGH EVANS
You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace.
What is 'lapis,' William?
You are a very backward woman: please be quiet.
What is ‘lapis,’ William?
WILLIAM PAGE
A stone.
A stone.
SIR HUGH EVANS
And what is 'a stone,' William?
And what is ‘a stone,’ William?
WILLIAM PAGE
A pebble.
A pebble.
SIR HUGH EVANS
No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.
No, it is ‘lapis:’ please, keep that in mind.
WILLIAM PAGE
Lapis.
Lapis.
SIR HUGH EVANS
That is a good William. What is he, William, that
does lend articles?
Well done William. What's the one, William, that
lends articles?
WILLIAM PAGE
Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus
declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.
Articles are borrowed from the pronoun, and are
declined like this: singular, nominative, hic, haec, hoc.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:
genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?
Nominative, hig, hag, hog; make sure you remember:
genitive, humus. Well, what is the accusative case?
WILLIAM PAGE
Accusativo, hinc.
Accusative, hind.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I pray you, have your remembrance, child,
accusative, hung, hang, hog.
Please make sure you remember correctly, child,
accusative is hung, hang, hog.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
‘Hang–hog’ is Latin for bacon, I'll be bound.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative
case, William?
Stop your gibbering, woman. What is the vocative
case, William?
WILLIAM PAGE
O,--vocativo, O.
Oh, vocative, oh.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Remember, William; focative is caret.
Remember, William; vocative is caret.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And that's a good root.
And that's a good vegetable.
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Oman, forbear.<
br />
Give over, woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Peace!
Quiet!
SIR HUGH EVANS
What is your genitive case plural, William?
What is the genitive case plural, William?
WILLIAM PAGE
Genitive case!
Genitive case!
SIR HUGH EVANS
Ay.
Yes.
WILLIAM PAGE
Genitive,--horum, harum, horum.
Genitive: horum, harum, horum.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never name
her, child, if she be a whore.
The vengeance of Jenny's case! Down with her! Don't name
her, child, if she is a whore.
SIR HUGH EVANS
For shame, 'oman.
For heaven's sake, woman.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
You do ill to teach the child such words: he
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do
fast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you!
You shouldn't be teaching the child such words: he
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll learn