The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
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quickly enough for themselves, and to call for ‘horum’, shame on you!
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no
understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the
genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as
I would desires.
Woman, are you a lunatic? Don't you understand
cases, and the numbers of the genders? You are
as foolish a Christian as one could wish for.
MISTRESS PAGE
Prithee, hold thy peace.
Please, be quiet.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.
Now William, decline some pronouns for me.
WILLIAM PAGE
Forsooth, I have forgot.
I'm afraid I've forgotten.
SIR HUGH EVANS
It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your 'quies,'
your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must be
preeches. Go your ways, and play; go.
It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your ‘quies,’
your ‘quaes,’ and your ‘quods,’ you must be
whipped. Off you go and play; go.
MISTRESS PAGE
He is a better scholar than I thought he was.
He's a better student than I thought he was.
SIR HUGH EVANS
He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.
He has a good lively memory. Goodbye, Mistress Page.
MISTRESS PAGE
Adieu, good Sir Hugh.
Exit SIR HUGH EVANS
Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.
Exeunt
Goodbye, good Sir Hugh.
Get back home, boy. Come on, we've been away too long.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,
and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple
office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
complement and ceremony of it. But are you
sure of your husband now?
Mistress Ford, your regrets have softened my suffering.
I see that your love is anxious to please,
and I offer back just the same; not
only, Mistress Ford, in the basic form
of love, but in all its trappings. But are you
sure we're safe from your husband?
MISTRESS FORD
He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
He's bird hunting, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
[Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
Hello there, my old friend Ford! Hello there!
MISTRESS FORD
Step into the chamber, Sir John.
Exit FALSTAFF
Enter MISTRESS PAGE
Step into the bedroom, Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?
How's it going, sweetheart! Who's home apart from you?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
Why, nobody but the servants.
MISTRESS PAGE
Indeed!
Really!
MISTRESS FORD
No, certainly.
Aside to her
Speak louder.
Yes, really.
Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
I must say, I am so glad you are alone.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:
he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer
out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but
tameness, civility and patience, to this his
distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
Why, woman, your husband has his old madness back:
he is so angry with my husband over there; he rants
against all marriage; he curses all women
of all types; and he bashes himself
on the forehead, shouting, ‘show yourself, show
yourself!’ in such a way that any other madness I've seen
seemed just tame calm manners, compared to this
madness he has now: I'm glad the fat knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
Why, is he talking about him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the
last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests
to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
the rest of their company from their sport, to make
another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad
the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
Him and no other; he swears that he was carried out, the
last time he searched for him, in a basket; he insists
to my husband that he is here now, and has taken him and
the rest of their group away from their hunting, to put
his suspicions to the test again: but I'm glad
the knight is not here; now he'll see how stupid he is.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
How close is he, Mistress Page.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.
Very near; at the end of the street; he'll be here in a moment.
MISTRESS FORD
I am undone! The knight is here.
I am lost! The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead
man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away
with him! better shame than murder.
Well then you are completely shamed, and he's as good as
dead. What a woman you are! Get him out, get
him out! Better that there should be shame rather than murder.
FORD
Which way should he go? how should I bestow him?
Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter FALSTAFF
Which way should he go? What shall I do with him?
Shall I put him into the basket again?
FALSTAFF
No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go
out ere he come?
No, I won't go in the basket again. Can't I go
before he gets here?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door
with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise
you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers are watching the door
with pistols, so nobody can get out; otherwise
you could have slipped away before he came. But what are you doing here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
What shall I do? I'll hide up the chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge their
birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
They always fire their bird guns
up there. Creep into the oven.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
coffer, chest, trunk
, well, vault, but he hath an
abstract for the remembrance of such places, and
goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
He'll look there, I'm sure. Whether you hide in the cupboard,
strongbox, chest, trunk, well or cellar, he has a
list to help him remember all these places, and
he goes to them in turn: we can't hide you in the house.
FALSTAFF
I'll go out then.
Then I'll leave.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir
John. Unless you go out disguised--
If you go out with your usual appearance, you will die, Sir
John. Unless you go out disguised–
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
How can we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown
big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,
a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.
Alas, I can't think! There is no dress
big enough for him, otherwise he could put on a hat,
a scarf and a bandanna, and so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather
than a mischief.
Dear women, think of something: I'll do anything to avoid
being wounded.
MISTRESS FORD
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
gown above.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
dress upstairs.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he
is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler
too. Run up, Sir John.
I swear, that will do him; she's as big as he
is: there's her fringed hat and her scarf
too. Run up there, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will
look some linen for your head.
Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will
find some covering for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put
on the gown the while.
Exit FALSTAFF
Hurry! We'll come and dress you in a moment: in
the meantime put on the dress.
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he
cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath
threatened to beat her.
I hope my husband meets him in this disguise: he
hates the old woman of Brentford; he's convinced
she's a witch; he's banned her from the house and has
threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the
devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
May heaven lead him to your husband's stick, and may the
devil control the stick after that!
MISTRESS FORD
But is my husband coming?
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket
too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Yes, in all seriousness, he is; he is talking about the basket
too, however he found out about that.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the
basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as
they did last time.
We'll put that to the test; I'll tell my men to carry the
basket again, and meet him at the door with it, like
they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him
like the witch of Brentford.
Well, he'll be here shortly: let's go and dress him
like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.
Exit
First I'll tell my men what they should do with the
basket. Go upstairs; I'll bring linen for him in a moment.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
Exit
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants
Hang him, the dishonest scoundrel! We can't treat him badly enough.
What we do will prove
that wives can be merry and still honest:
we don't often play tricks and laugh;
the old proverb is true, the quietest pig gets the most food.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
Exit
Gentlemen, lift the basket onto your shoulders again:
your master is almost at the door; if he tells you to put it
down, do as he asks: quickly, get going.
First Servant
Come, come, take it up.
Come on, pick it up.
Second Servant
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
Please God let it not to be full of knight again.
First Servant
I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
I hope not; I would just as soon carry lead.
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!
O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a
pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil
be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
Yes, but if I'm right, Master Page, will you still
call me a fool then? Put down the basket,
you rascal! Somebody call my wife. The lover thinks he's won!
Oh you pimping rascals! There's a gang, a pack, a
mob, a conspiracy against me: now the truth
will out. Where are you, wife! Come out, come out!
Let's see the simple clothes you send out to be bleached!
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
Why, this is too much, Master Ford; you should not be
allowed out; you must be tied down.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!
Why, this is lunacy! He's as mad as a mad dog!
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not good, not good.
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD
Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest
woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that
hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect
without cause, mistress, do I?
That's what I say as well, sir.
Come here, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest
woman, the
modest wife, the virtuous creature, who
has a jealous fool as a husband! My suspicions
are groundless, are they, mistress?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in
any dishonesty.
As heaven is my witness they are, if you suspect me
of any dishonesty.
FORD
Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!
Pulling clothes out of the basket
Well said, brass neck! Keep it up. Come out, sir!
PAGE
This passes!
This beats everything!
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.
Aren't you ashamed? Leave the clothes alone.
FORD
I shall find you anon.
I'll find you soon.
SIR HUGH EVANS