The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 306
'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's
clothes? Come away.
This is ridiculous! Will you throw around your wife's
clothes? Come away.
FORD
Empty the basket, I say!
I'm telling you, empty the basket!
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
Why, man, why?
FORD
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may
not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:
my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.
Pluck me out all the linen.
Master Page, as sure as I'm standing here, someone was carried
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why shouldn't
he be in there again? I am positive he is in my house:
my information is true; my jealousy is justified.
Take out all the linen.
MISTRESS FORD
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
If you find a man in there, he'll be small enough to be crushed like a flea.
PAGE
Here's no man.
There is no man here.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this
wrongs you.
I swear, this is bad, Master Ford; this
puts you in the wrong.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not be led by
your own suspicions: this is jealousy.
FORD
Well, he's not here I seek for.
Well, the one I'm looking for isn't here.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
No and he's nowhere else except in your brain.
FORD
Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let
me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of
me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow
walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;
once more search with me.
Help me search my house this one time. If I don't
find what I'm looking for, never defend my madness; let
me forever be a joke; let them say of
me, ‘Chat searched in a hollow walnut for his wife's
lover, as jealous as Ford.’ Indulge me one more time;
make one more search with me.
MISTRESS FORD
What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman
down; my husband will come into the chamber.
Hello there, Mistress Page! You and the old woman must
come down; my husband wants to come into the bedroom.
FORD
Old woman! what old woman's that?
Old woman! What old woman is that?
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Just my maid's aunt from Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not
forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does
she? We are simple men; we do not know what's
brought to pass under the profession of
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,
by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond
our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,
you hag, you; come down, I say!
A witch, a harlot, a cheating old harlot! Haven't I
banned her from my house? She comes on errands, does
she? We are simple men; we don't know what
goes on under the disguise of
fortune-telling. She works with charms, spells,
pentagrams and other trickery which is beyond
our understanding. Come down, you witch,
you hag, you; come down, I order you!
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him
not strike the old woman.
Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE
No, good sweet husband! Good gentleman, don't let him
hit the old woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
Come, Mother Prat; give me your hand.
FORD
I'll prat her.
Beating him
Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you
polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,
I'll fortune-tell you.
Exit FALSTAFF
I'll prat her.
Out of my house, you witch, you hack, you baggage, you
polecat, you bitch! Get out, out! I'll give you magic,
I'll tell your fortune.
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the
poor woman.
Aren't you ashamed? I think you have killed the
poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.
It looks like he will. There's a fine thing.
FORD
Hang her, witch!
Hang her, the witch!
SIR HUGH EVANS
By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch
indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;
I spy a great peard under his muffler.
Well absolutely, I think the woman is certainly
a witch: I don't like it when a woman has a great beard;
I saw a great beard under his scarf.
FORD
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;
see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus
upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Will you chase him, gentlemen? I beg you, chase;
come and see the result of my jealousy: if this proves
to be a false scent, never trust me again when I call.
PAGE
Let's obey his humour a little further: come,
gentlemen.
Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Let's go along with him for a while longer: come on,
gentlemen.
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
I swear, he beat him very pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most
unpitifully, methought.
Well I can swear that he didn't; he beat him most
unpitifully, I thought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the
altar; it hath done meritorious service.
I'll have the stick blessed and hung over the
altar; it's done good work.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? may we, with the warrant of
womanhood and the witness of a good conscience,
pursue him with any further revenge?
What do you think? May we, with the licence of
womanhood and the witness of a clear conscience,
take any more revenge on him?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of
him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with
fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
way of waste, attempt us again.
I think his lustful feelings have certainly been scared
out of him: if the devil hasn't got him completely under his control,
with a watertight contract, he will never, I think,
/>
try his unlawful attempts on us again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
Shall we tell our husbands what we did to him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the
figures out of your husband's brains. If they can
find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight
shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be
the ministers.
Yes, certainly; if nothing else to stop
your husband imagining such things. If they
decide that the poor badly behaved fat knight
should have any more punishment, we two will still
hand it out.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and
methinks there would be no period to the jest,
should he not be publicly shamed.
I'll bet they'll want him to be publicly shamed: and
I don't think the joke will have a proper ending,
unless he is publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would
not have things cool.
Exeunt
Come on then, let's strike while the iron's hot:
I don't want things to cool down.
Enter Host and BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your
horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.
Sir, those Germans want to have three of your
horses: the Duke himself will be at court
tomorrow and they are going to meet him.
Host
What duke should that he comes so secretly? I hear
not of him in the court. Let me speak with the
gentlemen: they speak English?
What sort of Duke is this that comes so secretly? I haven't
heard him spoken of at court. Let me speak with the
gentlemen: do they speak English?
BARDOLPH
Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.
Yes, sir; I'll call them for you.
Host
They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;
I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week at
command; I have turned away my other guests: they
must come off; I'll sauce them. Come.
Exeunt
They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;
I'll overcharge them: they have had my house to themselves
for a week; I have turned away my other guests: they must
pay the price; I'll overcharge them. Come on.
Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as ever
I did look upon.
It's one of the best descriptions of a woman
I have ever seen.
PAGE
And did he send you both these letters at an instant?
And he sent you both these letters straight away?
MISTRESS PAGE
Within a quarter of an hour.
Within a quarter of an hour.
FORD
Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt;
I rather will suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand
In him that was of late an heretic,
As firm as faith.
Forgive me, wife. From now on do what you want;
I would rather suspect the sun of being cold
than you of being unfaithful: I was an unbeliever,
now your honour is as solid to me as my faith.
PAGE
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more:
Be not as extreme in submission
As in offence.
But let our plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.
Good, good; that's enough:
don't go as overboard in apologising
as you did in offending.
But let's get on with our plan: let our wives
once again, for everybody's fun,
arrange a meeting with this old fat fellow
where we can grab him and humiliate him for it.
FORD
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
There's no better plan than the one they mentioned.
PAGE
How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park
at midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come.
That one? To send him word that they'll meet him in the park
at midnight? Hogwash! He'll never come.
SIR HUGH EVANS
You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has
been grievously peaten as an old 'oman: methinks
there should be terrors in him that he should not
come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have
no desires.
You say he has been thrown in the river and has
been severely beaten as an old woman: I think
he will be too frightened to come;
I think his flesh has been punished, his lust
will have died.
PAGE
So think I too.
I think so too.
MISTRESS FORD
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
You just plan what you'll do with him when he comes,
leave it to us to get him there.
MISTRESS PAGE
There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle
And makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed eld
Received and did deliver to our age
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
There is an old story that Herne the Hunter,
who was once a gamekeeper in Windsor Forest,
in the winter, at the dead of midnight,
walks around an oak, with great shaggy horns;
he explodes trees and possesses the cattle
and makes the milk cows give blood and rattles a chain
in a most hideous and dreadful manner:
you have heard of this spirit, and you well know
that the superstitious weak minded people of olden times
swallowed this tale of Herne the Hunter and passed it
down to our times as being true.
PAGE
Why, yet there want not many that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:
But what of this?
Well, there are still many who are scared
to walk past Herne's oak in the depths of night:
but so what?
MISTRESS FORD
Marry, this is our device;
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
Well, this is our plan;
that Falstaff shall meet us at that oak.
PAGE
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come:
And in this shape when you have brought him thither,
What shall be done with him? what is your plot?
Well, let's assume that he does come:
what will you do with him once you'
ve
got him there, dressed as Herne as you order? What's your plan?
MISTRESS PAGE
That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter and my little son
And three or four more of their growth we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands: upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once
With some diffused song: upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about
And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight,
And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape profane.
We've thought of that as well, it's this:
Nan Page my daughter and my little son
and three or four more of their size we'll dress up
as urchins, elves and fairies, green and white,
with stubs of wax candles on their heads
and rattles in their hands: all of a sudden,
just as she and I meet Falstaff,
let them jump out of a hollow
singing some wild song; seeing them,