The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 307
we two shall run away in fear;
then let them circle round him,
and pinch the dirty knight like fairies do,
and ask him why he dares to
walk upon their sacred paths in their
festival time, in such an unholy shape.
MISTRESS FORD
And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound
And burn him with their tapers.
And until he tells the truth,
let the pretend fairies pinch him hard
and burn him with their candles.
MISTRESS PAGE
The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Once he's told the truth,
we'll all show ourselves, take off his horns,
and make fun of him all the way home to Windsor.
FORD
The children must
Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
The children must be well drilled
in this, or they'll never get it right.
SIR HUGH EVANS
I will teach the children their behaviors; and I
will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the
knight with my taber.
I will teach the children what to do; and I
will dress up as an evil spirit too, so I can burn
the knight with my candle.
FORD
That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them vizards.
That will do nicely. I'll go and buy them masks.
MISTRESS PAGE
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
My Nan shall be the Queen of the fairies,
beautifully dressed in a white robe.
PAGE
That silk will I go buy.
Aside
And in that time
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight.
I will go and buy the silk for it.
And while I'm doing so
Master Slender will steal my Nan away
and marry her at Eton. Go and send for Falstaff at once.
FORD
Nay I'll to him again in name of Brook
He'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll come.
I'll go to him again disguised as Brook,
he'll tell me all his plans: he'll definitely come.
MISTRESS PAGE
Fear not you that. Go get us properties
And tricking for our fairies.
Don't you worry about that. Go and get us props
and costumes for our fairies.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and fery
honest knaveries.
Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS
Let's do it: it's great fun and very
honest trickery.
MISTRESS PAGE
Go, Mistress Ford,
Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
Exit MISTRESS FORD
I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;
And he my husband best of all affects.
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
Exit
Go, Mistress Ford,
send a message to Sir John at once, to see what he's thinking.
I'll write to the doctor: he's the one I favour,
no one but him, to marry Nan Page.
That Slender, though he has plenty of property, is an idiot;
he's the one my husband favours most of all.
The doctor is rich, and his friends
are influential at court: he, and no other, shall have her,
even if twenty thousand better men came to ask for her.
Enter Host and SIMPLE
Host
What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?
speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
What do you want, you cad? What, you clod?
Come on, spit it out and make it snappy.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
from Master Slender.
Why, sir, I have come from Master Slender to speak with
Sir John Falstaff.
Host
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go
knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian
unto thee: knock, I say.
There's his bedroom, his house, his castle, his
main bed and daybed; the hangings are all painted
with the story of the prodigal son, freshly done.
You go and knock and call for him; he'll treat you
like a cannibal: go on, knock.
SIMPLE
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
There's an old woman, a fat woman, who went up into
his room: I think that I will wait, sir, until she comes
back down; in fact I've come to speak with her.
Host
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from
thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine
host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Ha! A fat woman! The knight may be robbed: I'll
call. Good knight! Good Sir John! Give us one of your
parade ground shouts: are you there? This is your
landlord, your good friend, calling.
FALSTAFF
[Above] How now, mine host!
Hello there, mine host!
Host
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of
thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?
fie!
Enter FALSTAFF
There is a savage here waiting for your fat woman
to come down. Let her come down, old man, let her
come down; this is a respectable place: no secret
goings-on here!
FALSTAFF
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with
me; but she's gone.
Landlord, I did have an old fat woman with me
just now; but she's gone.
SIMPLE
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Excuse me, sir, wasn't it the wise woman of
Brentford?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
Yes, certainly, it was, you gaping fool: what do you want with her?
SIMPLE
My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing
her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether
one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the
chain or no.
My master, sir, Master Slender, enquired after her, seeing
her walk through the streets; he wanted to know, sir, whether
a man called Nym, sir, that tricked him out of a chain,
had the chain or not.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
I spoke to the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Please can you tell me what she says, sir?
Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of
it.
Well, she says that the same man who
tricked Master Slender out of his chain stole
it from him.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
I had other things to have spoken with her too from
him.
I wish I could have spoken with the woman herself;
there were other things he wanted me to ask.
FALSTAFF
What are they? let us know.
What are they? Tell us.
Host
Ay, come; quick.
Yes come on, tell us.
SIMPLE
I may not reveal them, sir.
I can't disclose them, sir.
Host
Reveal them, or thou diest.
Disclose them or you're dead.
SIMPLE
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to
have her or no.
Well, sir, they were only about Mistress Anne
Page; my master wanted to know if it was his fate
to have her or not.
FALSTAFF
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Yes it is, it is his fate.
SIMPLE
What, sir?
What, sir?
FALSTAFF
To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
To have her, or not. Go on, tell him the woman told me so.
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
Dare I say this?
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
Yes, sir; be as bold as you like.
SIMPLE
I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
with these tidings.
Exit
Thank you your worship: this news will make my master glad.
Host
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
You're a scholar, a scholar, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with you?
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught
me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH
Yes there was, landlord; one who taught
me more sense than I have ever learned in my life;
and I didn't pay for it either, but was paid
for learning.
BARDOLPH
Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Oh, alas, sir! Cheating, straightforward cheating!
Host
Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.
Where are my horses? You'd better give me good news, scoundrel.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Gone with the cheaters; for as soon as we got
past Eton they threw me off from where I sat behind one of
them, into the mud; they dug in their spurs and set off,
like three German devils, three Dr Faustuses.
Host
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
They've only gone to meet the Duke, scoundrel: don't
say that they've bolted; Germans are honest men.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Where is mine host?
Where is the landlord?
Host
What is the matter, sir?
What's the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
Be careful who you welcome in: a friend
of mine has come to town and tells me that there are three
fake Germans who have conned all the landlords of
Reading, Maidenhead and Colebrook out of horses
and money. I tell you as a goodwill gesture, you note: you
are smart and full of jokes and mockery, but
you shouldn't be conned. Goodbye.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Where is the landlord of the Garter?
Host
Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
Here, master doctor, worried and confused.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit
I don't know what you're talking about: but I have been told
that you are making great preparations to welcome a German duke:
upon my word, no such duke is expected at court.
I tell you this out of goodwill: goodbye.
Host
Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH
Raise the alarm, you scoundrel! Help me, knight. I am
tricked! Hurry, run and raise the alarm, you scoundrel! I am tricked!
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
and how my transformation hath been washed and
cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
Now, whence come you?
I wish all the world could be tricked; for I have
been tricked and beaten as well. If the court should get to
hear about how I have been changed
and how in the process I have been soaked and
beaten, they would melt me down for fat
and grease fisherman's boots with me; I
guarantee they would beat me with their great wits
until I was as shrivelled as a dried pear. I never
have had any luck since I cheated at cards.
Well, if I had enough breath to do it, I would
repent.
Now, where have you come from?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
From the two parties, forsooth.
Why, from the two ladies.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
of man's disposition is able to bear.
The devil take one of them and his mother the other!
That will take care of them both. I have suffered more
for their sakes than the useless weakness of
man is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
white spot about her.
And haven't they suffered? They certainly have,
especially one of them; Mistress Ford, my dear,
has been beaten black and blue, so you can't see
an inch of white skin.
FALSTAFF
What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the
stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.
Who cares about black and blue? I was
beaten all the colours of the rainbow;
it seemed I was going to be arrested for being the witch of