The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 308
Brentford: if it hadn't been for my admirable quick-wittedness,
impersonating an old woman,
the rascally constable would have put me in the
stocks, in the common stocks, as a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
you are so crossed.
Sir, let me speak with you in your room: I
shall tell you how things stand; I promise you will be
pleased to hear it. Here is a letter which explains a little.
My dears, how difficult it is to bring you together!
I'm sure one of you must have upset heaven for
things to be so awkward.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt
Come up to my room.
Enter FENTON and Host
Host
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy: I
will give over all.
Master Fenton, don't talk to me; I'm depressed: I
give up.
FENTON
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Just listen to me. Help me with my plans,
and I swear as I am a gentleman that I'll make up
your losses and give you a hundred pounds in gold on top.
Host
I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at the
least keep your counsel.
I will listen to you, Master Fenton; and I will
at least keep your secrets.
FENTON
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who mutually hath answer'd my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the show of both; fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene: the image of the jest
I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.
To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
She seemingly obedient likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,
The better to denote her to the doctor,
For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
From time to time I have told you about
the dear love I have for beautiful Anne Page,
who in as much as she can make her own choice
has returned my affection as well
as I could wish for. I have a letter from her,
the contents of which will amaze you,
the joke of which is so mixed up with my affair
that I can't tell you about one
without the other. Fat Falstaff
plays a great part; I will outline the
idea of the joke for you. Listen, my good landlord.
Tonight at Herne's oak, just between twelve and one,
my sweet Nan will appear as the Fairy Queen–
this explains why–and in this disguise,
whilst other jokes are afoot,
her father has ordered her to slip
away with Slender, and to marry him at once
at Eton; she has agreed.
Now, sir, her mother, who is very much against that match
and favours Doctor Caius, has arranged
that he too should steal her away,
while other matters keep people distracted,
and go to the chapel, where a priest is waiting,
and marry her once; she has pretended
to be obedient to this plot of her mother's as well
and made a promise to the Doctor. Now, this is how it stands:
her father intends for her to be dressed all in white;
in that dress, when Slender sees the opportunity
to take her by the hand and tell her to go,
she shall go with him: her mother intends,
in order to mark her out better for the Doctor–
for they will all be wearing masks and face coverings–
that she will be neatly dressed in green,
with ribbons hanging down around her head;
and when the Doctor sees his opportunity,
to grab her by the hand, that will be the sign
on which the girl has agreed to go with him.
Host
Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
Who does she mean to deceive, her father or her mother?
FENTON
Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Both, good landlord, so that she can come with me:
and what I want is for you to get the vicar
to wait for me at the church between twelve and one,
so that our hearts can be joined together
in the lawful name of matrimony.
Host
Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Well, you do your part; I'll go to the vicar:
if you produce the girl, you won't lack the priest.
FENTON
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I'll make a present recompense.
Exeunt
I shall be indebted to you for ever;
and also, I'll reward you at once.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY
FALSTAFF
Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll hold. This is
the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd
numbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity in
odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!
Please, no more chatter; go. I'll be there. This is
the third time; I hope good luck comes with odd
numbers. Off I go. They say that there is fate
in odd numbers, in birth, luck or death. Go!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can to
get you a pair of horns.
I'll get you a chain; and I'll do what I can to
get you a pair of horns.
FALSTAFF
Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince.
Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY
Enter FORD
How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter
will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the
Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall
see wonders.
Go, I say; time is passing: lift up your head and trot off.
Hello there, Master Brook! Master Brook, the thing
will be decided tonight or never. Be in the
Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall
see amazing things.
FORD
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me
you had appointed?
Didn't you go to see her yesterday, sir, as you told me
you had arranged?
FALSTAFF
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor
old man: but I came from her, Master Brook, like a
poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband,
hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,
Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell
you: he beat me grievously, in the shape of a
woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear
not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know
also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along
with me: I'll tell you all, Master Brook. Since I
plucked geese, played truant and whipped top, I knew
not what 'twas to be beaten till lately. Follow
me: I'll tell you strange things of this knave
Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I
will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow.
Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.
Exeunt
I went to see her, Master Brook, as you see me now, a poor
old man: but I came away, Master Brook, like a
poor old woman. That rascal Ford, her husband,
has the most amazing angry jealous daemon in him,
Master Brook, that ever drove a man mad. I will tell
you: he beat me very roughly, when I was disguised as
a woman; when I am a man, Master Brook, I wouldn't
be afraid of Goliath armed with a tree trunk, because I know
that life is fragile as a twig. I'm in a hurry; come along
with me: I'll tell you all about it, Master Brook. I haven't
experienced such a beating since I was a
naughty schoolboy. Follow me:
I'll tell you strange things about this rascal
Ford, on whom I will get my revenge tonight. Come with me.
Strange things are afoot, Master Brooke! Come with me.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
PAGE
Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch till we
see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender,
my daughter.
Come on; we'll hide in the castle moat until we
see the light of our fairies. Remember, Slender my son,
my daughter.
SLENDER
Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her and we have a
nay-word how to know one another: I come to her in
white, and cry 'mum;' she cries 'budget;' and by
that we know one another.
Yes, indeed; I have spoken to her and we have a
password to recognise each other with: I will come to her (she'll be in
white) and say ‘mum;' she will say ' budget;' and
that will let us know who we are.
SHALLOW
That's good too: but what needs either your 'mum'
or her 'budget?' the white will decipher her well
enough. It hath struck ten o'clock.
That's a good plan: but why do you need to say ‘mum'
or her say ‘budget'? Her white clothes will show her
well enough. It's gone ten o'clock.
PAGE
The night is dark; light and spirits will become it
well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil
but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns.
Let's away; follow me.
Exeunt
It's a dark night; lights and ghosts will suit it
well. May heaven help our joke! No man means evil,
just the devil, and we shall recognise him by his horns.
Let's go; follow me.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS
MISTRESS PAGE
Master doctor, my daughter is in green: when you
see your time, take her by the hand, away with her
to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before
into the Park: we two must go together.
Master doctor, my daughter is dressed in green: when you
see the opportunity, take her by the hand, go with her
to the chapel, and get the business done quickly. Go ahead
into the park: we two must go together.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
I know what I have to do. Goodbye.
MISTRESS PAGE
Fare you well, sir.
Exit DOCTOR CAIUS
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of
Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying
my daughter: but 'tis no matter; better a little
chiding than a great deal of heart-break.
Good luck, sir.
My husband will not be as happy at tormenting
Falstaff as he will be angry with the doctor marrying
my daughter: but never mind; better a little
telling off than a great deal of heartbreak.
MISTRESS FORD
Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies, and the
Welsh devil Hugh?
Where is Nan now and the troop of fairies, and the
Welsh devil Hugh?
MISTRESS PAGE
They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak,
with obscured lights; which, at the very instant of
Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once
display to the night.
They are all hidden in a hollow right by Herne's oak,
with shaded lights; as soon as we meet
Falstaff they will let them blaze into the night.
MISTRESS FORD
That cannot choose but amaze him.
That can't help but astonish him.
MISTRESS PAGE
If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be
amazed, he will every way be mocked.
If it doesn't bewilder him, he will be mocked; if he is
bewildered, he will be even more mocked.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll betray him finely.
We'll set him up nicely.
MISTRESS PAGE
Against such lewdsters and their lechery
Those that betray them do no treachery.
When dealing with such rude men and their lechery
it's no treachery to expose them.
MISTRESS FORD
The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!
Exeunt
The time is coming near. Let's get to the oak!
Enter FALSTAFF disguised as Herne
FALSTAFF
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute
draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me!
Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love
set on thy horns. O powerful love! that, in some
respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a man
a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love
of Leda. O
omnipotent Love! how near the god drew
to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in
the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault! And
then another fault in the semblance of a fowl; think
on 't, Jove; a foul fault! When gods have hot
backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a
Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i' the
forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can
blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my
doe?
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
The clock at Windsor has struck twelve; the time
is coming near. Now, may the lusty gods assist me!
Remember, Jupiter, you became a bull for your Europa;
you aimed at love with your horns. Oh powerful love that sometimes
can make an animal into a man; at other times it makes a man
an animal. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love
of Leda. Oh all-powerful love, how nearly the God became
the goose! It was a sin first done in the
shape of a beast: O Jupiter, a beastly sin! And then
another sin when you were shaped like a fowl: think of it,
Jupiter, a foul sin! When even gods get lustful, what
shall poor men do? As for me, here I am, a Windsor
stag, and I think I'm the fattest in the forest. Please make
my mating season cool, Jupiter, or I swear my fat will melt.
Who is this coming? My mate?
MISTRESS FORD
Sir John! art thou there, my deer? my male deer?
Sir John! Are you there, my dear? My buck?
FALSTAFF