The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 309
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Green
Sleeves, hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; let
there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
My doe with the black tail! Let the sky rain
potatoes; let the thunder play the tune of Greensleeves,
let the hail be breath fresheners and the snow aphrodisiacs;
let there be a storm of temptation, I will shelter here.
MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Mistress Page has come with me, sweetheart.
FALSTAFF
Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: I will
keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow
of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.
Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter?
Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes
restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!
Noise within
Split me between you like a poached deer, a haunch each: I will
take my sides for myself, give the gamekeeper my shoulders
and your husbands can have the horns.
Am I a hunter, eh? Do I speak like Herne the hunter?
Why, Cupid is showing that he has a conscience; he's making
up for the past. Welcome from a faithful spirit!
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, what noise?
Oh no, what's that noise?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven forgive our sins!
May heaven forgive our sins!
FALSTAFF
What should this be?
What's going on?
MISTRESS FORD MISTRESS PAGE
Away, away!
They run off
Run, run!
FALSTAFF
I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the
oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would
never else cross me thus.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS, disguised as before; PISTOL, as Hobgoblin; MISTRESS QUICKLY, ANNE PAGE, and others, as Fairies, with tapers
I don't think the devil wants me to be dammed, in case the
oil inside me sets hell on fire; so he is stopping
my fun on earth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moonshine revellers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.
Fairies, black, grey, green and white,
you dancers in the moonshine and ghosts of night,
you solitary performers of your duties,
attend to your professions.
Crier hobgoblin, make the fairy announcement.
PISTOL
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry:
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.
Elves, answer the register; quiet, you airy beings.
Cricket, you shall inspect the chimneys of Windsor:
when you find fires unranked and hearths unswept,
pinch the maids until they are blue as bilberries;
our shining Queen hates slack girls and laziness.
FALSTAFF
They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die:
I'll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.
Lies down upon his face
They are fairies; anyone who speaks to them will die:
I'll close my eyes and hide: no man must look on their works.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Where's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid
That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,
Raise up the organs of her fantasy;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy:
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.
Where's Bede? You go, and when you find a girl
who has said her prayers three times before bed,
give her sweet dreams;
she can sleep as soundly as a carefree baby:
but those who go to sleep without thinking of their sins,
pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
About, about;
Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out:
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room:
That it may stand till the perpetual doom,
In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the owner, and the owner it.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower:
Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,
With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!
And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,
Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring:
The expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write
In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white;
Let sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee:
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
Away; disperse: but till 'tis one o'clock,
Our dance of custom round about the oak
Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.
Come on, come on;
search through Windsor Castle, elves, inside and out;
throw good luck, fairies, into every sacred room
so that it can stand until Judgement Day
in as healthy condition as suits its dignity,
deserving the owner, and the owner deserving it;
polish the chairs of the Knights of the Garter
with the juice of every scented flower and tree;
every fair seat, coat of arms, and different crests,
should be blessed, as well as their banners;
and every night, meadow fairies, you should sing,
in a circle like the symbol of the Garter:
let the impression it makes in the grass be green,
more fertile than the rest of the field; and
write, ‘Evil be to him who evil thinks’
in green tufts, purple, blue and white flowers,
like the sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery
that the knight has on his garter:
fairies use flowers as their typeface.
Go to your work; but until it is one o'clock,
don't let us forget our traditional dance
around the oak of Herne the Hunter.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.
Now please join hands; put yourselves in order
and our lanterns shall be twenty glowworms,
to lead our dance around the tree.
But wait; I can smell a mortal man.
FALSTAFF
Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he
transform me to a piece of cheese!
God save me from that Welsh fairy, in case he
should change me into a piece of cheese!
PISTOL
Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.
You vile worm, you were destined for evil from birth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
With trial-fire touch
me his finger-end:
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend
And turn him to no pain; but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
Let me touch his fingertip with a testing flame:
if he is chaste, the flame will die down
and give him no pain; but if he flinches,
that proves he has a corrupted heart.
PISTOL
A trial, come.
A trial, let's do it.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Come, will this wood take fire?
They burn him with their tapers
Let's see, will this wood catch fire?
FALSTAFF
Oh, Oh, Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!
About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
SONG.
Fie on sinful fantasy!
Fie on lust and luxury!
Lust is but a bloody fire,
Kindled with unchaste desire,
Fed in heart, whose flames aspire
As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villany;
Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,
Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.
During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a boy in green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a boy in white; and FENTON comes and steals away ANN PAGE. A noise of hunting is heard within. All the Fairies run away. FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises
Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, and MISTRESS FORD
Corrupt, corrupt, and with filthy desires!
Dance round him fairies; sing a mocking song;
and as you skip, pinch him to the rhythm.
Away with sinful fantasy,
enough of lust and luxury!
Lust is just a fire in the blood,
lit with impure desires,
burning in the heart, whose flames reach,
as they are fanned by thoughts, higher and higher.
All of you fairies pinch him;
pinch him for his villainy;
pinch him, and burn him, and spin him round,
until the candles and the starlight and the moonshine burn out.
PAGE
Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now.
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?
No, do not run; I think we have trapped you now.
Will only Herne the Hunter do for you?
MISTRESS PAGE
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
See you these, husband? do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town?
Please, come along, don't carry on the joke any further.
Now, good Sir John, what do you think of the wives of Windsor?
Do you see these horns, husband? Don't these lovely things
look better in the forest than in the town?
FORD
Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook,
Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his
horns, Master Brook: and, Master Brook, he hath
enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket, his
cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be
paid to Master Brook; his horses are arrested for
it, Master Brook.
Now, sir, who is a cuckold with horns now? Master Brook,
Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his
horns, Master Brook: and, Master Brook, he has
enjoyed nothing of Ford's except his laundry basket, his
stick, and twenty pounds in cash, which he must
pay to Master Brook; his horses are being held in lieu
of payment, Master Brook.
MISTRESS FORD
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet.
I will never take you for my love again; but I will
always count you my deer.
Sir John, we had bad luck; we never managed to meet.
I will never have you as my lover; but I will
always think of you as my deer.
FALSTAFF
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
I begin to see that you've made an ass of me.
FORD
Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.
Yes and an ox too: the proof is here, quite plain.
FALSTAFF
And these are not fairies? I was three or four
times in the thought they were not fairies: and yet
the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my
powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a
received belief, in despite of the teeth of all
rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now
how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent, when 'tis upon
ill employment!
And these are not fairies? I suspected it
three or four times: and yet
with my guilty mind, and the sudden shock to my
senses, the silly fantasy became reality and
in spite of all rhyme or reason I believed they were fairies.
See how fun can be made of a Halloween pumpkin,
when he's up to no good.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your
desires, and fairies will not pinse you.
Sir John Falstaff, serve God, put aside your
desires, and the fairies will not pinch you.
FORD
Well said, fairy Hugh.
Well said, fairy Hugh.
SIR HUGH EVANS
And leave your jealousies too, I pray you.
And you lay off your jealousies, please.
FORD
I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art
able to woo her in good English.
I will never mistrust my wife again until you can
chat her up in good English.
FALSTAFF
Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, that
it wants matter to prevent so gross o'erreaching as
this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? shall I
have a coxcomb of frize? 'Tis time I were choked
with a piece of toasted cheese.
Have I put my brain out and shrivelled it in the sun,
so that I'm not clever enough to stop such a terrible
defeat as this? Am I teased by a Welsh goat too? Shall I
wear a Welsh jester's cap? It's time I was choked
with a piece of toasted cheese.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all putter.
You shouldn't have butter with it, your belly is all butter.
FALSTAFF
'Seese' and 'putter'! have I lived to stand at the
taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This
is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking
through the realm.
‘Seese' and 'putter'! Have I sunk so low I can be mocked
by someone who murders the English language? This
should be enough to put down lust and late nights
throughout the kingdom.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why Sir John, do you think, though we would have the
virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders
and have given ourselves without scruple to hell,
that ever the devil could have made you our delight?
Why Sir John, do you think that even if we
threw away all our virtues
and gave ourselves unconditionally to hell
<
br /> that the devil would have ever made us want you?
FORD
What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
What, a blood sausage? A sack of oily seeds?
MISTRESS PAGE
A puffed man?
A puffed up man?
PAGE
Old, cold, withered and of intolerable entrails?
Old, cold, withered and with a revolting stomach?
FORD
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
And one who is as big a liar as Satan?
PAGE
And as poor as Job?
And as poor as Job?
FORD
And as wicked as his wife?
And as wicked as his wife?
SIR HUGH EVANS
And given to fornications, and to taverns and sack
and wine and metheglins, and to drinkings and
swearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles?
And devoted to fornication, taverns, sherry,
wine, mead, drinking,
swearing, ogling, chatter and gossip?
FALSTAFF
Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me; I
am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh
flannel; ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me: use
me as you will.
Well, I am the butt of your jokes: you have the whip hand; I
am cast down; I am not able to reply to the Welsh
blabbermouth; stupidity is many levels above me: do
what you want with me.
FORD
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one