The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 328
LEONATO
O Lord! my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.
Oh Lord! My lord, after only a week of marriage they would talk themselves crazy.
DON PEDRO
Count Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
Count Claudio, when do you mean to have the wedding?
CLAUDIO
To-morrow, my lord. Time goes on crutches till love have all his rites.
Tomorrow, my lord. Time crawls until love has what it wants.
LEONATO
Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just seven-night; and a time
too brief too, to have all things answer my mind.
Not till Monday, my dear son, which is only a week from now; and too brief a time, actually, to get everything done.
DON PEDRO
Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing; but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of Hercules' labours, which is, to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection the one with the other. I would fain have it a match; and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.
Come, you shake your head at such a long wait; but, I promise you, Claudio, the time will not go dully by us. I will in the meantime take up a task worthy of Hercules, which is to bring Sir Benedick and the Lady Beatrice to fall in love with each other. I would like for it to be a match; and I do not doubt that it can be done, if you three will only give me the help doing as I tell you.
LEONATO
My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights' watchings.
My lord, I am for your cause, even if it costs me ten nights’ sleep.
CLAUDIO
And I, my lord.
DON PEDRO
And you too, gentle Hero?
HERO
I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good husband.
I will do any humble work, my lord, to help my cousin get a good husband.
DON PEDRO
And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble strain, of approved valour, and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.
And Benedick is one of the better possible husbands I know. I can praise him in these things: he is a nobleman, known to be brave, and is confirmed as honest. I will teach you how to behave towards your cousin, that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with you two helping, will act on Benedick so that, despite his reluctance to marry and his sarcastic nature, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we will be the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my plan.
[Exeunt.]
Another room in LEONATO'S house.
[Enter DON JOHN and BORACHIO.]
DON JOHN
It is so; the Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.
BORACHIO
Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.
Yes, my lord; but I can prevent it.
DON JOHN
Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be medicinable to me: I am sick in displeasure to him, and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?
Any obstacle, any prevention, any impediment will be like medicine to me: I am sick with displeasure with him, and anything that can stop his affection will have my affection. How can you prevent this marriage?
BORACHIO
Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me.
Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that I will not appear to be dishonest.
DON JOHN
Show me briefly how.
Explain briefly.
BORACHIO
I think I told your lordship, a year since, how much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting-gentlewoman to Hero.
I think I told your lordship a year ago how much I am beloved by Margaret, Hero’s lady-in-waiting.
DON JOHN
I remember.
BORACHIO
I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night, appoint her to look out at her lady's chamber window.
I can, at any time of the night, ask her to look out at her lady’s chamber window.
DON JOHN
What life is in that, to be the death of this marriage?
What good is that in the destruction of this marriage?
BORACHIO
The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to the prince your brother; spare not to tell him, that he hath wronged his honour in marrying the renowned Claudio,--whose estimation do you mightily hold up,--to a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.
Poisoning it is up to you. Go to the prince your brother; acting as if you are making a confession, that he has wronged his honor in marrying the renowned Claudio – whom you highly respect – to a contaminated slut like Hero.
DON JOHN
What proof shall I make of that?
How can I prove it?
BORACHIO
Proof enough to misuse the prince, to vex Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you for any other issue?
You will have enough proof to upset the prince, distress Claudio, destroy Hero, and be the death of Leonato. Is there anything else you want?
DON JOHN
Only to despite them, I will endeavour anything.
Just to cause them trouble, I will try anything.
BORACHIO
Go then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to the prince and Claudio, as--in love of your brother's honour, who hath made this match, and his friend's reputation, who is thus like to be cozened with the semblance of a maid,--that you have discovered thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial: offer them instances, which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber-window, hear me call Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding: for in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent; and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero's disloyalty, that jealousy shall be called assurance, and all the preparation overthrown.
Go then; find me a good time to get Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know Hero loves me; pretend to be devoted to both the prince and Claudio, as – in love of your brother’s honor, who has made this match, and his friend’s reputation, who is likely to be tricked into marrying an impure woman – that you have discovered this. They will not believe it without evidence: offer them this proof, where they see me at her chamber-window, hear me call Margaret “Hero”, hear Margaret call me “Claudio”; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding: I will make sure Hero is absent; and there will appear such a seeming truth of Hero’s disloyalty that jealousy will find confirmation, and all the preparation will be overthrown.
DON JOHN
Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and thy fee is a thousand ducats.
Make this happen; I will put it into practice. Be cunning in bringing this about and I will pay you a thousand ducats.
BORACHIO
Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunning shall not shame me.
As long as you are consistent in the accusation my cunning will not fail me.
DON JOHN
I will presently go learn their day of marriage.
I will now go le
arn their day of marriage.
[Exeunt.]
LEONATO'S Garden.
[Enter Benedick.]
BENEDICK
Boy!
[Enter a Boy.]
BOY
Signior?
BENEDICK
In my chamber-window lies a book; bring it hither to me in the orchard.
In my chamber-window there is a book; bring it here to me in the orchard.
BOY
I am here already, sir.
BENEDICK
I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again. [Exit Boy.] I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviours to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known, when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile afoot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted, and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour. [Withdraws.]
I know that; but I would have you go there, and come back again. [Exit Boy.] I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates himself to love, will, after he has laughed at such silliness in others, becomes the very thing he scorns by falling in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known him when there was no music in him but the drum and the fife; and now he would rather hear the tabor and the flute: I have known him when he would have walked ten miles on food to see a good set of armor; and now he will lie awake for ten nights, cutting a nice new suit. He preferred to speak plainly and straight to the point, like an honest man and a soldier; now he uses flowery words, like a fantastical banquet with so many strange dishes. Will I be changed like that, and see with those eyes? I cannot tell; I do not think so: I will not swear that love will not transform me into an oyster; but I’ll take an oath that, till love makes an oyster of me, he will never make me such a fool. One woman is beautiful, yet I am unaffected; another is wise, yet I am unaffected; another virtuous, yet I am unaffected; but until all these good qualities are in one woman, not one woman will be high enough quality for me. Rich she shall be, that’s certain; wise, or I’ll have nothing to do with her; virtuous, or I’ll never tough her; beautiful, or I’ll never look at her; mild, or I won’t let her near me; noble, or she would be out of the question; a good conversationalist, an excellent musician, and her hair can be whatever color pleases God. Hah! The prince and Mister Love! I will hide myself in the tree. [Withdraws.]
[Enter DON PEDRO, LEONATO, and CLAUDIO, followed by BALTHAZAR and Musicians.]
DON PEDRO
Come, shall we hear this music?
CLAUDIO
Yea, my good lord.
Yes, my good lord.
How still the evening is,
How quiet the evening is,
As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!
As if hushed on purpose for harmony!
DON PEDRO
See you where Benedick hath hid himself?
Do you see where Benedick has hidden himself?
CLAUDIO
O! very well, my lord: the music ended,
Oh, very well, my lord: once the music ends,
We'll fit the kid-fox with a penny-worth.
We’ll set a trap for the young fox.
DON PEDRO
Come, Balthazar, we'll hear that song again.
BALTHAZAR
O! good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
Oh! My good lord, please to not trouble such a bad voice
To slander music any more than once.
To ruin music any more than once.
DON PEDRO
It is the witness still of excellency,
It is a sign of excellence
To put a strange face on his own perfection.
To be unable to see its own perfection.
I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.
Please, sing, and let me woo no more.
BALTHAZAR
Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;
Since many a wooer doth commence his suit
Since many a wooer begins his courtship
To her he thinks not worthy; yet he wooes;
To her he thinks unworthy; yet he woos;
Yet will he swear he loves.
Yet he will swear he loves.
DON PEDRO
Nay, pray thee come;
No, please, sing;
Or if thou wilt hold longer argument,
Or if you will argue any longer,
Do it in notes.
Do it in song.
BALTHAZAR
Note this before my notes;
There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.
DON PEDRO
Why these are very crotchets that he speaks;
Why, this is meaningless talking;
Notes, notes, forsooth, and nothing!
Notes, notes, indeed, and nothing!
[Music.]
BENEDICK
Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when all's done.
Now, divine music! Now his soul is overcome! Isn’t it strange that sheep’s guts should bring joy and draw the souls out of men’s bodies? Well, a horn for me money, when all’s done.
[Balthazar sings.] Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever;
Men have always been liars;
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Never faithful to one thing.
Then sigh not so,
Then do not sigh that way,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
And be happy and pretty,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Turning all your sad sounds
Into, ‘Hey nonny, nonny.’
Into glad cheers.
Sing no more ditties, sing no more
Sing no more sad songs, sing no more
Of dumps so dull and heavy;
Of sorrows so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
The tricks of men have always been this way,
Since summer first was leavy.
Since summer first began.
Then sigh not so,
Then do not sigh that way,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
And be happy and pretty,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Turning all your sad sounds
Into, ‘Hey nonny, nonny.’
Into glad cheers.
DON PEDRO
By my troth, a good song.
By the truth, a good song.
BALTHAZAR
And an ill singer, my lord.
And a bad singer, my lord.
DON PEDRO
Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.
Ha, no, no, by my faith; you sing well enough for the time being.
&
nbsp; BENEDICK
[Aside.] An he had been a dog that should have howled thus, they would have hanged him; and I pray God his bad voice bode no mischief. I had as lief have heard the night-raven, come what plague could have come after it.
[Aside.] If he had been a dog that howled that way, they would have hanged him; and I pray God his bad voice means no bad luck. I would have been as willing to have heard the night-raven, whatever plague could have come after it.
DON PEDRO
Yea, marry; dost thou hear, Balthazar? I pray thee, get us some excellent music, for to-morrow night we would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber-window.
Yes, definitely; do you hear, Balthazar? Please, get us some excellent music, for tomorrow night we would like it at the Lady Hero’s bedroom window.
BALTHAZAR
The best I can, my lord.
DON PEDRO
Do so: farewell.
[Exeunt BALTHAZAR and Musicians.]
Come hither, Leonato: what was it you told me of to-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love with Signior Benedick?
Come here, Leonato: what was it that you told me about today, that your niece Beatrice was in love with Sir Benedick?
CLAUDIO
O! ay:-- [Aside to DON PEDRO] Stalk on, stalk on; the fowl sits. I did never think that lady would have loved any man.
Oh yes! [Aside to DON PEDRO] Continue, continue; the bird is listening. I did never think that lady would have loved any man.
LEONATO
No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in all outward behaviours seemed ever to abhor.
No, and I didn’t think so either; but it is strange that she should have a crush on Sir Benedick, whom she has always acted as though she hated.
BENEDICK
[Aside.] Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?
[Aside.] Is it possible? Is that the way the wind is blowing?
LEONATO
By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think of it but that she loves him with an enraged affection: it is past the infinite of thought.
Truthfully, my lord, I cannot tell what to think of it except that she loves him with an enraged affection: it is past what I can fathom.
DON PEDRO
May be she doth but counterfeit.
Maybe she is faking it.
CLAUDIO