The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

If a man like that will smile, and stroke his beard;

  Bid sorrow wag, cry 'hem' when he should groan,

  Tell sorrow to go, say ‘hem’ when he should wail,

  Patch grief with proverbs; make misfortune drunk

  Overcome his grief with proverbs

  With candle-wasters; bring him yet to me,

  Bring him to me,

  And I of him will gather patience.

  And I will take patience from him.

  But there is no such man; for, brother, men

  Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief

  Which they themselves not feel; but, tasting it,

  Their counsel turns to passion, which before

  Their advice turns to emotion, which before

  Would give preceptial medicine to rage,

  Would give soothing medicine to rage,

  Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,

  Try to chain strong madness in a silken thread,

  Charm ache with air and agony with words.

  Magic away ache with air and agony with words.

  No, no; 'tis all men's office to speak patience

  No, no; all men are supposed to speak patience

  To those that wring under the load of sorrow,

  Those that struggle under the load of sorrow,

  But no man's virtue nor sufficiency

  But no man’s virtue can be enough

  To be so moral when he shall endure

  The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel:

  The similar problem himself. Therefore give me no advice:

  My griefs cry louder than advertisement.

  I am in more grief than I show.

  ANTONIO

  Therein do men from children nothing differ.

  Men are not different from children in that respect.

  LEONATO

  I pray thee peace! I will be flesh and blood;

  Please, stop talking! I will be a human being;

  For there was never yet philosopher

  For there has never yet been a philosopher

  That could endure the toothache patiently,

  However they have writ the style of gods

  No matter what godlike writings they have done

  And made a push at chance and sufferance.

  And talked about fortune and endurance..

  ANTONIO

  Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself;

  Yet do not inflict all the harm on yourself;

  Make those that do offend you suffer too.

  LEONATO

  There thou speak'st reason: nay, I will do so.

  Now you’re being reasonable: indeed, I will do so.

  My soul doth tell me Hero is belied;

  My soul tells me Hero has been lied about;

  And that shall Claudio know; so shall the prince,

  And all of them that thus dishonour her.

  And all of them that dishonor her in that way.

  ANTONIO

  Here comes the prince and Claudio hastily.

  The prince and Claudio are rushing here.

  [Enter DON PEDRO and CLAUDIO.]

  DON PEDRO

  Good den, good den.

  Good day, good day.

  CLAUDIO

  Good day to both of you.

  LEONATO

  Hear you, my lords,--

  DON PEDRO

  We have some haste, Leonato.

  We are in a hurry, Leonato.

  LEONATO

  Some haste, my lord! well, fare you well, my lord:

  Some hurry, my lord! Well, fare you well, my lord:

  Are you so hasty now?--well, all is one.

  Are you in such a hurry now? – Well, it is all the same to me.

  DON PEDRO

  Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.

  ANTONIO

  If he could right himself with quarrelling,

  If he could make things right with quarrelling,

  Some of us would lie low.

  Some of us would be dead.

  CLAUDIO

  Who wrongs him?

  LEONATO

  Marry, thou dost wrong me; thou dissembler, thou.

  By Mary, you wrong me; you liar, you.

  Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword; I fear thee not.

  No, never place your hand on your sword; I am not afraid of you.

  CLAUDIO

  Marry, beshrew my hand,

  By Mary, I will hold my hand still,

  If it should give your age such cause of fear.

  If it should give your oldness a reason to fear.

  In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.

  LEONATO

  Tush, tush, man! never fleer and jest at me:

  Enough, enough, man! Do not run away and joke at me:

  I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,

  I am not talking like a senile old man or a fool,

  As, under privilege of age, to brag

  As, in the privilege of the elderly, to brag

  What I have done being young, or what would do,

  What I did when I was young, or what I would do,

  Were I not old. Know, Claudio, to thy head,

  If I were not old. Know, Claudio, to your head,

  Thou hast so wrong'd mine innocent child and me

  You have so wronged my innocent child and me

  That I am forc'd to lay my reverence by,

  That I am forced to put aside my dignity,

  And, with grey hairs and bruise of many days,

  And, with gray hairs and the marks of my years,

  Do challenge thee to trial of a man.

  Do challenge you to a duel.

  I say thou hast belied mine innocent child:

  I say you have lied about my innocent child:

  Thy slander hath gone through and through her heart,

  Your false accusation has gone through her heart,

  And she lied buried with her ancestors;

  O! in a tomb where never scandal slept,

  Oh! In a tomb where scandal never slept,

  Save this of hers, fram'd by thy villany!

  Except for this one of hers, created by your villainy!

  CLAUDIO

  My villany?

  LEONATO

  Thine, Claudio; thine, I say.

  Yours, Claudio; yours, I say.

  DON PEDRO

  You say not right, old man.

  LEONATO

  My lord, my lord, I'll prove it on his body, if he dare,

  Despite his nice fence and his active practice,

  Despite his good swordsmanship and his regular practicing,

  His May of youth and bloom of lustihood.

  His youthfulness and young energy.

  CLAUDIO

  Away! I will not have to do with you.

  Go away! I will have nothing to do with you.

  LEONATO

  Canst thou so daff me?

  Can you reject me like that?

  Thou hast kill'd my child;

  You have killed my child;

  If thou kill'st me, boy, thou shalt kill a man.

  If you kill me, boy, you shall kill a man.

  ANTONIO

  He shall kill two of us, and men indeed:

  But that's no matter; let him kill one first:

  Win me and wear me; let him answer me.

  Fight against me; let him answer me.

  Come, follow me, boy; come, sir boy, come, follow me.

  Sir boy, I'll whip you from your foining fence;

  Sir boy, I’ll whip your skills out of you;

  Nay, as I am a gentleman, I will.

  LEONATO

  Brother,--

  ANTONIO

  Content yourself. God knows I lov'd my niece;

  Quiet. God knows I loved my niece;

  And she is dead, slander'd to death by villains,

  And she is dead, slandered to death by villains,

  That dare as well answer a
man indeed

  That have as much daring to answer to a real man

  As I dare take a serpent by the tongue.

  As I dare to grab a snake by its tongue.

  Boys, apes, braggarts, Jacks, milksops!

  [A series of insults.]

  LEONATO

  Brother Antony,--

  ANTONIO

  Hold your content.

  Quiet.

  What, man! I know them, yea,

  What, man! I know them, yes,

  And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple,

  And what they are worth, even to the furthest virtue,

  Scambling, out-facing, fashion-monging boys,

  [Another series of insults]

  That lie and cog and flout, deprave and slander,

  That lie and think and reject, do depraved things and wrongfully accuse,

  Go antickly, show outward hideousness,

  Do all sorts of antics, show outward hideousness,

  And speak off half a dozen dangerous words,

  How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst;

  How they might hurt their enemies, if they dared;

  And this is all!

  LEONATO

  But, brother Antony,--

  ANTONIO

  Come, 'tis no matter:

  Come, it is no matter:

  Do not you meddle, let me deal in this.

  Do not meddle, let me deal with this.

  DON PEDRO

  Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.

  Both of you gentlemen, we will not test your patience.

  My heart is sorry for your daughter's death;

  But, on my honour, she was charg'd with nothing

  But on my honor, we charged her with nothing

  But what was true and very full of proof.

  But what was true and well proven.

  LEONATO

  My lord, my lord--

  DON PEDRO

  I will not hear you.

  LEONATO

  No? Come, brother, away. I will be heard.--

  ANTONIO

  And shall, or some of us will smart for it.

  And shall, or some of us will suffer pain for it.

  [Exeunt LEONATO and ANTONIO.]

  [Enter BENEDICK.]

  DON PEDRO

  See, see; here comes the man we went to seek.

  See, see; here comes the man we went to look for.

  CLAUDIO

  Now, signior, what news?

  Now, sir, what’s happening?

  BENEDICK

  Good day, my lord.

  DON PEDRO

  Welcome, signior: you are almost come to part almost a fray.

  Welcome, sir: you have almost managed to end what was almost a conflict.

  CLAUDIO

  We had like to have had our two noses snapped off with two old men without teeth.

  We were likely to have had both our noses snapped off by two old men without teeth.

  DON PEDRO

  Leonato and his brother. What think'st thou? Had we fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.

  Leonato and his brother. What do you think? If we had fought, I doubt we would have turned out to be too young for them.

  BENEDICK

  In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came to seek you both.

  In a false quarrel there is no true courage. I came looking for both of you.

  CLAUDIO

  We have been up and down to seek thee; for we are high-proof melancholy, and would fain have it beaten away. Wilt thou use thy wit?

  We have been up and down looking for you; for we are in terrible melancholy, and would like to have it beaten away. Will you say something witty?

  BENEDICK

  It is in my scabbard; shall I draw it?

  My wit is in my scabbard; shall I pull it out?

  DON PEDRO

  Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?

  Do you wear your wit by your side?

  CLAUDIO

  Never any did so, though very many have been beside their wit. I will bid thee draw, as we do the minstrels; draw, to pleasure us.

  No one ever did, though very many have been beside their wit. I will tell you to pull it out, as we do tell minstrels; pull it out, to please us.

  DON PEDRO

  As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thou sick, or angry?

  As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Are you sick, or angry?

  CLAUDIO

  What, courage, man! What though care killed a cat, thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.

  Have courage, man! Even if worry killed a cat, you have enough strength enough in you to kill worry.

  BENEDICK

  Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, an you charge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.

  Sir, I shall meet your wit in due time, if you charge it against me. Please choose another subject.

  CLAUDIO

  Nay then, give him another staff: this last was broke cross.

  Give him another staff: this previous one has broken crossly.

  DON PEDRO

  By this light, he changes more and more: I think he be angry indeed.

  By this light, he changes more and more: I think he actually is angry.

  CLAUDIO

  If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.

  If he is, he knows how to turn it around.

  BENEDICK

  Shall I speak a word in your ear?

  CLAUDIO

  God bless me from a challenge!

  God save me from a challenge!

  BENEDICK

  [Aside to CLAUDIO.] You are a villain, I jest not: I will make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice. You have killed a sweet lady, and her death shall fall heavy on you. Let me hear from you.

  You are a villain, I am not joking: I will show how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice. You have killed a sweet lady, and her death shall fall heavy on you. Let me hear from you.

  CLAUDIO

  Well I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.

  DON PEDRO

  What, a feast, a feast?

  CLAUDIO

  I' faith, I thank him; he hath bid me to a calf's-head and a capon, the which if I do not carve most curiously, say my knife's naught. Shall I not find a woodcock too?

  In faith, I thank him; he has called me to a calf’s-head and a neutered rooster, which if I do not carve most strangely, say my knife is worth nothing. Shall I not find a woodcock too?

  BENEDICK

  Sir, your wit ambles well; it goes easily.

  Sir, your wit is walking well.

  DON PEDRO

  I'll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the other day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit. 'True,' says she, 'a fine little one.' 'No,' said I, 'a great wit.' 'Right,' said she, 'a great gross one.' 'Nay,' said I, 'a good wit.' 'Just,' said she, 'it hurts nobody.' 'Nay,' said I, 'the gentleman is wise.' 'Certain,' said she, ‘a wise gentleman.' 'Nay,' said I, 'he hath the tongues.' 'That I believe' said she, 'for he swore a thing to me on Monday night, which he forswore on Tuesday morning: there's a double tongue; there's two tongues.' Thus did she, an hour together, trans-shape thy particular virtues; yet at last she concluded with a sigh, thou wast the properest man in Italy.

  I’ll tell you how Beatrice praised your wit the other day. I said you ad a fine wit. ‘True,’ she says, ‘a fine little one.’ ‘No,’ said I, ‘a large wit.’ ‘Right,’ she said, ‘a large crude wit.’ ‘No,’ I said, ‘a good wit.’ ‘Fair,’ she said, ‘it hurts nobody.’ ‘No,’ I said, ‘the gentleman is wise.’ 'Certain,' she said, ‘a wise gentleman.' 'No,' I said, 'he has the tongues.' 'That I believe' said she, 'for he swore a thing to me on Monday night, which he took back on Tuesday morning: there's a double tongue; there's two tongues.' In this way she, an hour together, speak of your partic
ular virtues; yet at last she concluded with a sigh that you were the best man in Italy.

  CLAUDIO

  For the which she wept heartily and said she cared not.

  At which point she cried hard and said she didn’t care.

  DON PEDRO

  Yea, that she did; but yet, for all that, an if she did not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly. The old man's daughter told us all.

  Yes, that she did; but yet, for all that, if she did not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly. The old man’s daughter told us all.

  CLAUDIO

  All, all; and moreover, God saw him when he was hid in the garden.

  All, all; and in addition, God saw him when he was hidden in the garden.

  DON PEDRO

  But when shall we set the savage bull's horns on the sensible Benedick's head?

  But when shall we place the savage bull’s horns on the sensible Benedick’s head?

  CLAUDIO

  Yea, and text underneath, 'Here dwells Benedick the married man!'

  Yes, and text underneath, ‘Here lives Benedick the married man!’

  BENEDICK

  Fare you well, boy: you know my mind. I will leave you now to your gossip-like humour; you break jests as braggarts do their blades, which, God be thanked, hurt not. My lord, for your many courtesies I thank you: I must discontinue your company. Your brother the bastard is fled from Messina: you have, among you, killed a sweet and innocent lady. For my Lord Lack-beard there, he and I shall meet; and till then, peace be with him.

  Farewell, boy: you know how I feel. I will leave you now to your gossiping mood; you break jokes the way braggers break their blades, which, God be thanked, do not hurt. My lord, for your many favors I thank you: I must leave your company. Your brother born out of wedlock has run from Messina: you have, among you, killed a sweet and innocent lady. For my Lord No-beard there, he and I shall meet; and till then, peace be with him.

  [Exit.]

  DON PEDRO

  He is in earnest.

  CLAUDIO

  In most profound earnest; and, I'll warrant you, for the love of Beatrice.

  In most serious earnest; and, I predict to you, for the love of Beatrice.

  DON PEDRO

  And hath challenged thee?

  And he has challenged you?

  CLAUDIO

  Most sincerely.

  DON PEDRO

  What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his doublet and hose and leaves off his wit!

  What a pretty thing man is when he puts on his clothes and leaves off his intelligence!

  CLAUDIO

  He is then a giant to an ape; but then is an ape a doctor to such a man.

  DON PEDRO

  But, soft you; let me be: pluck up, my heart, and be sad! Did he not say my brother was fled?

  But, be quiet please: leave me alone: pluck up, my heart, and be sad! Did he not say my brother had run away?