The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 393
Forgive me, I killed a bunch of the count's men in a fight,
and if I were killed here it would not be punished.
SEBASTIAN
Belike you slew great number of his people.
So you killed a large number of his people.
ANTONIO
The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
It might have since been answer'd in repaying
What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.
Not particularly, I am more of a scapegoat in a larger fight.
SEBASTIAN
Do not then walk too open.
Don't walk too obviously then.
ANTONIO
It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.
It doesn't fit me. Hold, sir, here's my wallet.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
In the south part of the city, at the Elephant inn,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
Is the best place to stay: I will fetch out dinner,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
While you pass the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
With seeing the sights: there you shall meet me.
SEBASTIAN
Why I your purse?
Why give me your wallet?
ANTONIO
Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase; and your store,
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
It is possible you will find something you want to buy,
and I know you have little money.
SEBASTIAN
I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you
I'll carry your wallet and leave you
For an hour.
For an hour.
ANTONIO
To the Elephant.
To the Elephant inn.
SEBASTIAN
I do remember.
I will remember.
Exeunt
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
OLIVIA
I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
I have invited him here: he says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
How shall I feast him? What gifts give him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
For youth is bought more often than begged or borrowed.
I speak too loud.
I speak too loudly.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
Where is Malvolio? He is sad and polite,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
And is good for my reputation:
Where is Malvolio?
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
He is coming, madam; but is acting very strange. He
is, sure, possessed, madam.
is surely possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
Why, what's the matter? Is he ranting?
MARIA
No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your
No, madam, all he does is smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
ladyship would be safest to have some guards around you, if
he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
he comes; for, sure, he has lost his mind.
OLIVIA
Go call him hither.
Go call him here.
Exit MARIA
I am as mad as he,
I am as insane as he is,
If sad and merry madness equal be.
If sadness and madness are equal.
Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO
How now, Malvolio!
What's going on, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Sweet lady, ho, ho.
Sweet lady, hello, hello.
OLIVIA
Smilest thou?
You're smiling?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
I asked for you to come on a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO
Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
Sad, lady? I could be sad: it does make for some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
loss of circulation, this cross-gartering; but
what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
who cares? If it pleases one person, it is
with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
with me as the very true poem says, "Please one, and
please all.'
you please all.'
OLIVIA
Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
Why, what is going on, man? What is the matter with you?
MALVOLIO
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
My thoughts are not dark, though my legs are yellow. It
did come to his hands, and commands shall be
came to his hands, and commands shall be
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
followed: I think we do know the sweet handwriting.
OLIVIA
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
Will you go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
To bed! Yes, sweetheart, and I'll come to you.
OLIVIA
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
God comfort you! Why do you smile like that and kiss
thy hand so oft?
your hand so often?
MARIA
How do you, Malvolio?
What are you doing, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
At your request! yes; nightingales answer crows.
MARIA
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
Why are you appearing so ridiculously and cheekily in front of my lady?
MALVOLIO
'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
'Do not be afraid of greatness:' it was well written.
OLIVIA
What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
What do you mean by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
'Some are born great,'--
'Some are born great,'--
OLIVIA
Ha!
Ha!
MALVOLIO
'Some achieve greatness,'--
'Some reach greatness,'--
OLIVIA
What sayest thou?
What are you saying?
MALVOLIO
'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
'And some have greatness pushed upon them.'
OLIVIA
Heaven restore thee!
Heaven heal you!
MALVOLIO
'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'--
'Remember who praised your yellow stockings,'
OLIVIA
Thy yellow stockings!
Your yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO
'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
'And wished to see you cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA
Cross-gartered!
Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO
'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--
'Go to you are made, if you want it to be that way;'=
OLIVIA<
br />
Am I made?
Am I made what?
MALVOLIO
'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
'If not, let me see you a servant still.'
OLIVIA
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant
Servant
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino has
returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
returned: I could hardly tell him to go back; he
attends your ladyship's pleasure.
wishes to please your ladyship.
OLIVIA
I'll come to him.
I'll go to him.
Exit Servant
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked after. Where's
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
my relative Toby? Let some of my people take special
care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the
care of him: I would not have him be ill for the
half of my dowry.
half of my fortune.
Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA
MALVOLIO
O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
Oh, hey! Are you coming near me now? No worse man than
Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
Sir Toby to look after me! This agrees directly with
the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may
the letter: she sends him to me on purpose, that I may
appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that
appear stubborn to him; for she encourages me to that
in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;
in the letter. 'Remove your humble character,' she says,
'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
'be contrary with a kinsman, rude with the servants;
let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put
thyself into the trick of singularity;' and
consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad
face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the
habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me
thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this
fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing
that can be can come between me and the full
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
and in general be outrageous, and she will love me!
What luck, and Jove is to be thanked.
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
Where is he? Even if he's possessed by a thousand
devils from hell, I will speak to him.
FABIAN
Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
Here he is, here he is. How is it with you, sir?
how is't with you, man?
how is it with you, man?
MALVOLIO
Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go
off.
Go away, leave me alone.
MARIA
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
See, how evilly the devil speaks from inside him! Did I not
I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
tell you? Sir Toby, my lady begs you to take
care of him.
care of him.
MALVOLIO
Ah, ha! does she so?
Ah ha! Does she now?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently
with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how
is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:
consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
We must be gentle with him, even if he's possessed!
Fight the devil, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO
Do you know what you say?
Do you know what you're saying?
MARIA
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes
Look, when you speak badly of the devil, he takes
it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
it personally! Please God may he not be cursed!
FABIAN
Carry his water to the wise woman.
Take him to the wise woman [a kind of good doctor/witch combination of the time].
MARIA
Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I
By Mary, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I
live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
live. My lady does not want to lose him for more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO
How now, mistress!
Hello, miss!
MARIA
O Lord!
Oh Lord!
Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
Get him to say prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO
My prayers, minx!
My prayers, [insult]!
MARIA
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
No, I swear to you, he will not hear of godliness
MALVOLIO
Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
Go hang yourselves, all of you! You are useless, shallow
things: I am not of your element: you shall know
things: I am not like you : you shall know
more hereafter.
more afterwards.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Is't possible?
Is it possible?
FABIAN
If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
speak badly of it as something way too unlikely.
SIR TOBY BELCH
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
His very genius has been infected by the trick, man.
MARIA
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
No, run after him now, so that the trick doesn't go too far.
FABIAN
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
Why, we shall make him actually insane.
MARIA
The house will be the quieter.
The house will be quieter if we do.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
Come, we'll tie him up and put him in a dark room. My
niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
niece already believes that he's insane, we
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
may carry it out like that, for our amusement and his punishment,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
until our fun has run its course, and we decide
us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
to have mercy on him, at which time we will
bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
reveal the trick and honor you asa
finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Enter SIR ANDREW
F
ABIAN
More matter for a May morning.
More fun to have on a morning in May.
SIR ANDREW
Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's
Here's the challenge, read it: I bet there's
vinegar and pepper in't.
vinegar and pepper in it.
FABIAN
Is't so saucy?
Is it that saucy?
SIR ANDREW
Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.
Yes, it is, I do believe: just read.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Give me.
Give it to me.
Reads
'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
'Young man, whatever you are, you are nothing but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN
Good, and valiant.
Good, and brave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,
'Do not be surprised, or confused in your mind,
why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'
why I call you that, for I will not show you any reason for it."
FABIAN
A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
A good point; that keeps you safe from the law.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
You come to the lady Olivia, and in my
sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
sight she uses you kindly: but you lie in your