The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  letter to you; I should have given't you to-day

  morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels,

  so it skills not much when they are delivered.

  He is doing as well as could be expected. Here is a letter.

  OLIVIA

  Open't, and read it.

  Open it, and read it.

  Clown

  Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers

  Look then to be pleased when the fool saves

  the madman.

  the insane man.

  Reads

  'By the Lord, madam,'--

  'By God, madam,'--

  OLIVIA

  How now! art thou mad?

  What now! Are you insane?

  Clown

  No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship

  No, madam, I am only reading insanity: and if your ladyship

  will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.

  will have it as it should be, you must allow it.

  OLIVIA

  Prithee, read i' thy right wits.

  Please, read in your right mind.

  Clown

  So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to

  So I do, madam; but to read in his right mind is to

  read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

  read like this; therefore prepare yourself, my princess, and listen.

  OLIVIA

  Read it you, sirrah.

  You read it, man.

  To FABIAN

  FABIAN

  [Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the

  world shall know it: though you have put me into

  darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over

  me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as

  your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced

  me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt

  not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.

  Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little

  unthought of and speak out of my injury.

  THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'

  I have been wronged and your drunken cousin has put me in darkness,

  simply because I followed the instructions in the letter that you wrote,

  and that I can show you. I have been treated terribly.

  OLIVIA

  Did he write this?

  Did he write this letter?

  Clown

  Ay, madam.

  Yes, madam.

  DUKE ORSINO

  This savours not much of distraction.

  This does not seem like insanity.

  OLIVIA

  See him deliver'd, Fabian; bring him hither.

  She him rescued, Fabian; bring him here.

  Exit FABIAN

  My lord so please you, these things further

  My lord if it may please you, these things further thought on,

  thought about,

  To think me as well a sister as a wife,

  To think as well of me as a sister as you would have a wife,

  One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you,

  One day shall celebrate the alliance, if it pleases you

  Here at my house and at my proper cost.

  Here at my house and at my expense.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.

  Madam, I am most pleased to accept your author.

  To VIOLA

  Your master quits you; and for your service done him,

  Your master releases you; and for your service done him,

  So much against the mettle of your sex,

  So much against the inclinations of your sex,

  So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,

  So far beneath your station in life,

  And since you call'd me master for so long,

  And since you called me Master for so long,

  Here is my hand: you shall from this time be

  Here is my hand: you shall from now on be

  Your master's mistress.

  Your master's wife.

  OLIVIA

  A sister! you are she.

  Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO

  DUKE ORSINO

  Is this the madman?

  Is this the insane man?

  OLIVIA

  Ay, my lord, this same.

  Yes, my lord, this is him.

  How now, Malvolio!

  How are you, Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO

  Madam, you have done me wrong,

  Madam, you have done me wrong,

  Notorious wrong.

  A terrible wrong.

  OLIVIA

  Have I, Malvolio? no.

  Have I, Malvolio? No.

  MALVOLIO

  Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.

  Lady, you have. Please, read that letter.

  You must not now deny it is your hand:

  You must not now deny it is your handwriting:

  Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;

  Write differently from it, if you can, in handwriting or style;

  Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention:

  Or say it is not your seal, or something you came up with:

  You can say none of this: well, grant it then

  You can say none of this: well, going from there

  And tell me, in the modesty of honour,

  And tell me, honorably,

  Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,

  Why you have made such indication of liking me,

  Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you,

  Telling me to come smiling and wearing crossed-garters to you,

  To put on yellow stockings and to frown

  To put on yellow socks and to frown

  Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;

  At Sir Toby and the less-important people;

  And, acting this in an obedient hope,

  And, doing as I was told, hoping for reward,

  Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd,

  Why have you allowed me to be imprisoned,

  Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,

  Kept in a dark room, visited by the priest,

  And made the most notorious geck and gull

  And been the victim of the worst prank

  That e'er invention play'd on? tell me why.

  That anyone ever had to deal with? Tell me why.

  OLIVIA

  Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,

  Unfortunately, Malvolio, this is not my handwriting,

  Though, I confess, much like the character

  Though, I admit, very similar

  But out of question 'tis Maria's hand.

  But unquestionably it is Maria's handwriting.

  And now I do bethink me, it was she

  And now it occurs to me, it was her

  First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling,

  Who first told me you were insane; then came in smiling,

  And in such forms which here were presupposed

  And in such a way that were hinted at

  Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:

  To you in the letter. Please, be calm:

  This practise hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee;

  This prank has very cleverly been done to you;

  But when we know the grounds and authors of it,

  But when we know the reasons and culprits behind it,

  Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge

  You shall be both the plaintiff and the judge

  Of thine own cause.

  Of your own case.

  FABIAN

  Good madam, hear me speak,

  Good lady, hear me speak,

  And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come

  And let no argument or fighting come

 
Taint the condition of this present hour,

  Ruin the happiness of this time,

  Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not,

  Which has amazed me. Hoping it won't,

  Most freely I confess, myself and Toby

  I freely confess that myself and Toby

  Set this device against Malvolio here,

  Pulled this trick on Malvolio here,

  Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts

  Because of some stubbornness and rudeness

  We had conceived against him: Maria writ

  We had dealt with from him: Maria wrote

  The letter at Sir Toby's great importance;

  The letter for Sir Toby's sake;

  In recompense whereof he hath married her.

  In return for which he has married her.

  How with a sportful malice it was follow'd,

  It was all in good fun,

  May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;

  Please find it funny rather than worth revenge;

  If that the injuries be justly weigh'd

  If it is considered fair the troubles

  That have on both sides pass'd.

  That both sides have endured.

  OLIVIA

  Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

  Oh, poor fool, how they have outdone you!

  Clown

  Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness,

  Why, 'some are born great, some reach greatness,

  and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was

  and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was

  one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but

  a part, sir, of this business; one Sir Topas, sir; but

  that's all one. 'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.'

  that's all the same. 'By the Lord, clown, I am not insane.'

  But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such

  But do you remember? 'Madam, why do you laugh at such

  a barren rascal? an you smile not, he's gagged:'

  an unfunny rascal? If you do not smile, he's gagged:'

  and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

  and in that way the wheel of time brings in his revenge.

  MALVOLIO

  I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.

  I'll have revenge on the whole bunch of you.

  Exit

  OLIVIA

  He hath been most notoriously abused.

  He has been most terribly treated.

  DUKE ORSINO

  Pursue him and entreat him to a peace:

  Follow after him and calm him down:

  He hath not told us of the captain yet:

  He has not told us about the captain yet:

  When that is known and golden time convents,

  When that is known and the time is right,

  A solemn combination shall be made

  A serious union shall be made

  Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,

  Of our precious souls. Meanwhile, sweet sister,

  We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;

  We will not separate from here. Cesario, come;

  For so you shall be, while you are a man;

  For that is what you are, while you are a man;

  But when in other habits you are seen,

  But when in other clothes you are seen,

  Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.

  Orsino's wife and his love's queen.

  Exeunt all, except Clown

  Clown

  [Sings] When that I was and a little tiny boy,

  When I was just a little tiny boy,

  With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

  With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

  A foolish thing was but a toy,

  A foolish thing was just a toy,

  For the rain it raineth every day.

  For the rain it rains every day.

  But when I came to man's estate,

  But when I came to be a man

  With hey, ho, & c.

  With hey, ho, etc.

  'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,

  Against villains and thieves men shut the gate,

  For the rain, & c.

  For the rain, etc.

  But when I came, alas! to wive,

  But when I came, oh no! To marry,

  With hey, ho, & c.

  With hey, ho, etc.

  By swaggering could I never thrive,

  By showing off I could never succeed,

  For the rain, & c.

  For the rain, etc.

  But when I came unto my beds,

  But when I came to my beds,

  With hey, ho, & c.

  With hey, ho, etc.

  With toss-pots still had drunken heads,

  I was still drunk out of my mind,

  For the rain, & c.

  For the rain, etc.

  A great while ago the world begun,

  A great while ago the world began,

  With hey, ho, & c.

  With hey, ho, etc.

  But that's all one, our play is done,

  But that's all the same, our play is done,

  And we'll strive to please you every day.

  And we'll try to please you every day.

  Exit

  DUKE OF MILAN, father to Silvia

  VALENTINE, one of the two gentlemen

  PROTEUS, one of the two gentlemen

  ANTONIO, father to Proteus

  THURIO, a foolish rival to Valentine

  EGLAMOUR, agent for Silvia in her escape

  SPEED, a clownish servant to Valentine

  LAUNCE, the like to Proteus

  PANTHINO, servant to Antonio

  HOST, where Julia lodges in Milan

  OUTLAWS, with Valentine

  JULIA, a lady of Verona, beloved of Proteus

  SILVIA, beloved of Valentine

  LUCETTA, waiting-woman to Julia

  SERVANTS

  MUSICIANS

  An open place.

  Enter VALENTINE and PROTEUS

  VALENTINE

  Cease to persuade, my loving Proteus:

  Stop trying to convince me, my dear Proteus:Home-keeping youth have ever homely wits.

  Young people who stay at home have very dull minds.Were't not affection chains thy tender days

  If passion didn’t chain your youthful daysTo the sweet glances of thy honour'd love,

  To the sweet glances of the woman you love,I rather would entreat thy company

  I would ask for your companyTo see the wonders of the world abroad,

  To see the wonders of the world abroad,Than, living dully sluggardized at home,

  Instead of you living lazily and idly at home,Wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness.

  And wearing out your youth with aimless spare time.But since thou lovest, love still and thrive therein,

  But since you are in love, continue to love and let your love flourish,Even as I would when I to love begin.

  Just as I would when I fall in love.

  PROTEUS

  Wilt thou be gone? Sweet Valentine, adieu!

  Are you leaving? Sweet Valentine, farewell!Think on thy Proteus, when thou haply seest

  Think of your friend Proteus, who you see by chanceSome rare note-worthy object in thy travel:

  Something rare and note-worthy in your travels:Wish me partaker in thy happiness

  Wish that I could join in on your happinessWhen thou dost meet good hap; and in thy danger,

  When you meet with good fortune; and in your danger,If ever danger do environ thee,

  If ever danger surrounds you,Commend thy grievance to my holy prayers,

  Entrust your suffering to my holy prayers,For I will be thy beadsman, Valentine.

  For I will pray for you, Valentine.

  VALENTINE

  And on a love-book pray for my success?

  A
nd will you pray on a book of love that I will succeed?

  PROTEUS

  Upon some book I love I'll pray for thee.

  I’ll pray for you on some book that I love.

  VALENTINE

  That's on some shallow story of deep love:

  That would be the silly story of true love:How young Leander cross'd the Hellespont.

  Of young Leander who swam across the Hellespont, which connects the Aegean and Marmara Seas.

  PROTEUS

  That's a deep story of a deeper love:

  That’s a deep story of a truer love:For he was more than over shoes in love.

  For he was more than shoe deep in love.

  VALENTINE

  'Tis true; for you are over boots in love,

  It’s true; for you more than boot deep in love,And yet you never swum the Hellespont.

  And you still have never swum across the Hellespont.

  PROTEUS

  Over the boots? nay, give me not the boots.

  More than boot deep? No, don’t make fun of me.

  VALENTINE

  No, I will not, for it boots thee not.

  No, I won’t, because it won’t help you.

  PROTEUS

  What?

  What?

  VALENTINE

  To be in love, where scorn is bought with groans;

  To be in love is to be where whimpers lead to ridicule;Coy looks with heart-sore sighs; one fading moment's mirth

  Heart-sick sighs are given disdainful looks; where one brief moment of happinessWith twenty watchful, weary, tedious nights:

  Is paired with twenty wide-awake, sleepless and tedious nights:If haply won, perhaps a hapless gain;

  If by chance your love is won, perhaps it is an unfortunate achievement;If lost, why then a grievous labour won;

  And if it is lost, then he has only achieved a sorrowful struggle;However, but a folly bought with wit,

  Whatever happens, it’s only a mistake gained with wisdom,Or else a wit by folly vanquished.