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The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

Page 402

by William Shakespeare


  And when you’ve written it, for my sake read over it,And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.

  And if you like it, so be it; and if not, well, so be it.

  VALENTINE

  If it please me, madam, what then?

  If I like it, madam, what do you want me to do then?

  SILVIA

  Why, if it please you, take it for your labour:

  Well, if you like it, take it as payment for you work;And so, good morrow, servant.

  And with that, good morning, my follower.

  Exit

  SPEED

  O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,

  Oh, what a joke it is that is unseen, mysterious, and invisibleAs a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!

  Just like a nose is on a man’s face, or a weathervane is on a steep roof!My master sues to her, and she hath

  My master pursues her, and she hastaught her suitor,

  Taught her admirer,He being her pupil, to become her tutor.

  Since he is her student, to become her teacher.O excellent device! was there ever heard a better,

  Oh what an excellent scheme! Has a better one ever been heard of,That my master, being scribe, to himself should write

  That my master, being a writer, should write to himselfthe letter?

  The letter?

  VALENTINE

  How now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself?

  What’s this, sir? What are you talking to yourself about?

  SPEED

  Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.

  No, I was just muttering; it’s you who has the good sense.

  VALENTINE

  To do what?

  To do what?

  SPEED

  To be a spokesman for Madam Silvia.

  To speak on the behalf of Madam Silvia.

  VALENTINE

  To whom?

  But who am I speaking to?

  SPEED

  To yourself: why, she wooes you by a figure.

  To yourself: why, she courts you with a scheme.

  VALENTINE

  What figure?

  What scheme?

  SPEED

  By a letter, I should say.

  With a letter, I should have said.

  VALENTINE

  Why, she hath not writ to me?

  But she hasn’t written to me?

  SPEED

  What need she, when she hath made you write to

  What should she need to, when she has made you write a letter toyourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?

  Yourself? What, do you not get the joke?

  VALENTINE

  No, believe me.

  No, I don’t, believe me.

  SPEED

  No believing you, indeed, sir. But did you perceive

  There’s no believing you, indeed, sir. But did you notice her earnest?

  Her repayment?

  VALENTINE

  She gave me none, except an angry word.

  She gave me nothing but angry words.

  SPEED

  Why, she hath given you a letter.

  Why, she has given you a letter.

  VALENTINE

  That's the letter I writ to her friend.

  That’s the letter that I wrote to her lover.

  SPEED

  And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.

  And she has delivered that letter to that friend, and that’s the end of it.

  VALENTINE

  I would it were no worse.

  I wish that were so.

  SPEED

  I'll warrant you, 'tis as well:

  I promise you, it’s just that:For often have you writ to her, and she, in modesty,

  For you have often written to her, and she, in her modesty,Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;

  Or else not having free time, could not sent a reply;Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,

  Or else being afraid that a messenger might find out her feelings,Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.

  She has taught the man she loves to write to on her behalf to her lover, which is he.

  All this I speak in print, for in print I found it.

  Everything I say is very specific, since I found it specifically.Why muse you, sir? 'tis dinner-time.

  What are you wondering about, sir? It’s dinner time.

  VALENTINE

  I have dined.

  I have already eaten.

  SPEED

  Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can

  Yes, but listen, sir; although Love itself is said to change its shapefeed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my

  And feed on air, I am a man that is fed by myvictuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not like

  Food, and would gladly have some meat. Oh, don’t be like your mistress; be moved, be moved.

  Your mistress; be persuaded, sympathize.

  Exeunt

  JULIA'S house.

  Enter PROTEUS and JULIA

  PROTEUS

  Have patience, gentle Julia.

  Be patient, kind Julia.

  JULIA

  I must, where is no remedy.

  I must be, there is nothing else I can do.

  PROTEUS

  When possibly I can, I will return.

  Whenever I can, I will return.

  JULIA

  If you turn not, you will return the sooner.

  If you don’t change your mind about me, you will return all the sooner because of it.Keep this remembrance for thy Julia's sake.

  Keep this love-token to remember your Julia.

  Giving a ring

  “[JULIA give PROTEUS a ring]”

  PROTEUS

  Why then, we'll make exchange; here, take you this.

  Whell then, we’ll exchange love-tokens; here, take this.

  “[PROTEUS gives JULIA a ring]”

  JULIA

  And seal the bargain with a holy kiss.

  And we’ll seal the exchange with a holy kiss

  PROTEUS

  Here is my hand for my true constancy;

  Here is my promise for my honest loyalty;And when that hour o'erslips me in the day

  And if an hour passes unnoticed in a dayWherein I sigh not, Julia, for thy sake,

  Where I don’t sigh, for you Julia,The next ensuing hour some foul mischance

  May the hours after that contain some dreadful misfortuneTorment me for my love's forgetfulness!

  To punish me for forgetting my love!My father stays my coming; answer not;

  My father is waiting for me to arrive; don’t answer;The tide is now: nay, not thy tide of tears;

  The time has come: no, not the time of tears;That tide will stay me longer than I should.

  For your tears will not keep me longer than I can stay.Julia, farewell!

  Julia, goodbye!

  Exit JULIA

  What, gone without a word?

  What, she leaves without a word?Ay, so true love should do: it cannot speak;

  Yes, that’s how true love should be: it cannot speak;For truth hath better deeds than words to grace it.

  For the truth is shown in actions, not in words.

  Enter PANTHINO

  PANTHINO

  Sir Proteus, you are stay'd for.

  Sir Proteus, they are waiting for you.

  PROTEUS

  Go; I come, I come.

  Go on; I’m coming, I’m coming.Alas! this parting strikes poor lovers dumb.

  Sadly, this departure makes us unfortunate lovers speechless.

  Exeunt

  A street.

  Enter LAUNCE, leading a dog

  LAUNCE

  Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping;

  Now, I will have finished crying before this hour is over:all the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I

  My whole family of Launces suffer fr
om this same weakness. Ihave received my proportion, like the prodigious

  Have received my payment, like the son who leaves and returns again, son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's

  And I am going with Sir Protues to the emperor’scourt. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured

  Court. I think my dog, Crab, is the most grumpy-natureddog that lives: my mother weeping, my father

  Dog that lives: my mother was weeping, my fatherwailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat

  Sobbing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat waswringing her hands, and all our house in a great

  Holding her paws in grief, and our whole house was in a greatperplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed

  Confusion, but this cruel-hearted mutt didn’t shed aone tear: he is a stone, a very pebble stone, and

  Single tear: he is made of stone, a very worthless stone, andhas no more pity in him than a dog: a Jew would have

  Is as pitiless as a dog: even a pitiless Jew would havewept to have seen our parting; why, my grandam,

  Wept if he had seen our goodbyes: why, my grandmother,having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my

  Who has no eyes, you understand, wept until she was blindparting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This

  When I left. No, I’ll demonstrate how it happened. Thisshoe is my father: no, this left shoe is my father:

  Shoe represents my father: no, this left shoe is I my father:no, no, this left shoe is my mother: nay, that

  No, no, this left shoes is my mother instead: no, it cannot be so neither: yes, it is so, it is so, it

  Can’t be either of them: yes, it’s like this, it’s like this, ithath the worser sole. This shoe, with the hole in

  Has a worse sole than the other. This shoe, with the hole in it, is my mother, and this my father; a vengeance

  It, is my mother, and this other one is my father; curseon't! there 'tis: now, sit, this staff is my

  It! There it is: now, stay like that, this cane is mysister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and

  Sister, since, look at this, she is as white as a lily andas small as a wand: this hat is Nan, our maid: I

  As slender as a pole: this hat is our maid, Nan: Iam the dog: no, the dog is himself, and I am the

  Represent the dog: no, the dog represents me, Launce, and I am thedog--Oh! the dog is me, and I am myself; ay, so,

  Dog—Oh! The dog represents me, and I am myself; yes, that’s how it is,so. Now come I to my father; Father, your blessing:

  That’s how it is. Now I’m getting to talking about my father; First, I asked him for permission:now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping:

  Then, the shoe that is my father couldn’t say a word because he was crying:now should I kiss my father; well, he weeps on. Now

  Then I kissed my father goodbye; he continued to cry. Thencome I to my mother: O, that she could speak now

  I went to my mother: Oh, if only she could speak nowlike a wood woman! Well, I kiss her; why, there

  Like a mad woman! Well, I kissed her; well, there'tis; here's my mother's breath up and down. Now

  It is; that’s how my mother smells exactly. Then come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now

  I went to my sister; notice how she was wailing. Thenthe dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a

  That whole time this dog didn’t shed a tear or say aword; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.

  Word; but notice how I’m laying in the dirt with my tears.

  Enter PANTHINO

  PANTHINO

  Launce, away, away, aboard! thy master is shipped

  Launce, come on, come one, get on board! Your master is on the shipand thou art to post after with oars. What's the

  And you are to quickly follow after him. What’s thematter? why weepest thou, man? Away, ass! You'll

  Matter? Why are you crying, man? Come on, you ass! You’lllose the tide, if you tarry any longer.

  lose the sea current if you wait any more.

  LAUNCE

  It is no matter if the tied were lost; for it is the

  It’s be no big deal if the dog were lost; for he is theunkindest tied that ever any man tied.

  Meanest dog that any man ever tied up.

  PANTHINO

  What's the unkindest tide?

  What’s the meanest dog?

  LAUNCE

  Why, he that's tied here, Crab, my dog.

  Well, this one here, Crab, my dog.

  PANTHINO

  Tut, man, I mean thou'lt lose the flood, and, in

  Shame on you, man, I mean you’ll lose the current and bylosing the flood, lose thy voyage, and, in losing

  Losing the current, you’ll miss the trip, and by missingthy voyage, lose thy master, and, in losing thy

  The trip, you’ll lose your master, and but losing yourmaster, lose thy service, and, in losing thy

  Master, lose your job, and by losing yourservice,--Why dost thou stop my mouth?

  Job—why are you shushing me?

  LAUNCE

  For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.

  Because I’m afraid you’ll lose your tongue.

  PANTHINO

  Where should I lose my tongue?

  Why would I lose my tongue?

  LAUNCE

  In thy tale.

  From telling that story.

  PANTHINO

  In thy tail!

  It’s your ass on the line!

  LAUNCE

  Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and

  Lose the current, and the trip, and the master, andthe service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river

  The job, and the dog! Well, man, if the riverwere dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the

  Were dry, I would be able to fill it with my tears; if thewind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.

  Winds were gone, I could sail the boat with my sighs.

  PANTHINO

  Come, come away, man; I was sent to call thee.

  Come on, come on, man; I was sent here to bring you.

  LAUNCE

  Sir, call me what thou darest.

  Sir, call me whatever your dare to

  PANTHINO

  Wilt thou go?

  Will you go?

  LAUNCE

  Well, I will go.

  Well, I’ll go.

  Exeunt

  The DUKE's palace.

  Enter SILVIA, VALENTINE, THURIO, and SPEED

  SILVIA

  Servant!

  Followers!

  VALENTINE

  Mistress?

  Mistress?

  SPEED

  Master, Sir Thurio frowns on you.

  Mister, Sir Thurio is not happy with you.

  VALENTINE

  Ay, boy, it's for love.

  Yes, boy, it’s because of my love.

  SPEED

  Not of you.

  Not your love.

  VALENTINE

  Of my mistress, then.

  The love of my mistress, then.

  SPEED

  'Twere good you knocked him.

  It would be good if you beat him.

  Exit

  SILVIA

  Servant, you are sad.

  My follower, you are sad.

  VALENTINE

  Indeed, madam, I seem so.

  Yes, madam, I seem to be sad.

  THURIO

  Seem you that you are not?

  Do you think you are not sad?

  VALENTINE

  Haply I do.

  Perhaps I am.

  THURIO

  So do counterfeits.

  So are liars.

  VALENTINE

  So do you.

  So are you.

  THURIO

  What seem I that I am not?

  What did I do to seem that way?

  VALENTINE

  Wise.

  You’re wise
r />   THURIO

  What instance of the contrary?

  What proof is there against that?

  VALENTINE

  Your folly.

  Your mistakes.

  THURIO

  And how quote you my folly?

  And what mistake did you notice?

  VALENTINE

  I quote it in your jerkin.

  I notice it in your jacket.

  THURIO

  My jerkin is a doublet.

  My jacket is a coat.

  VALENTINE

  Well, then, I'll double your folly.

  Well, then, that’s twice the mistake.

  THURIO

  How?

  How so?

  SILVIA

  What, angry, Sir Thurio! do you change colour?

  What, are you angry, Sir Thurio! Do you change moods like that?

  VALENTINE

  Give him leave, madam; he is a kind of chameleon.

  Let him go, madam; he changes moods like a chameleon changes color.

  THURIO

  That hath more mind to feed on your blood than live

  You had better make sure that you take care of your body rather than livein your air.

  In your head.

  VALENTINE

  You have said, sir.

  You speak the truth, sir.

  THURIO

  Ay, sir, and done too, for this time.

  Yes, sir, and done with that too, for now.

  VALENTINE

  I know it well, sir; you always end ere you begin.

 

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